Chapter Thirty-Six
"Okay, explain this to me again?" Rory asked Jess on their nightly phone call a couple weeks later.
"My mother, the crackpot that she is, has decided to have her baby at home," he repeated.
Liz had announced her pregnancy a few months earlier, though Luke had already told Jess by the time she got around to mentioning it. He still wasn't sure why the woman had tried to hide it from him for so long, but that was besides the point for the time being.
"At home," Rory repeated. "With a..."
"Doula," Jess finished the sentence.
"What the hell is a doula?"
"A witch doctor!" Paris called as she walked past the open door.
"I wasn't asking you," Rory shot back.
"It's some sort of birthing coach," Jess explained. "I'm not really sure. All I actually know, is that she plans to have the thing in her living room and she wants Luke and I to be there."
"Okay," Rory tried to decide which half of that sentence to tackle first. "First of all, it's not a 'thing', it's a baby. And second, ha ha sucks to be you."
"Wow, that's so helpful."
"I'm sorry, what would you like me to say?" Rory asked.
"That you'll brave it with me."
"That's definitely not going to happen," Rory assured him. "But I will point out that you live four hours away. When she calls, just take your time leaving and you'll probably get there too late for the actual thing."
"I guess," he sighed. "That doesn't make this any less weird, though."
"Maybe she'll change her mind," Rory tried to comfort him.
"The woman is of her rocker, there's no way in hell she's going to suddenly decide to take the rational route."
"Yeah..." Rory chewed on her cheek for a minute, then clicked her tongue. "You're screwed."
"Okay, I'm going to go call Luke now. At least he understands where I'm coming from."
"I understand," Rory argued. "But there's nothing I can do to change it, and I'm not the one who has to watch their mother give birth, so I'm obligated to mock."
"Yet."
"Sorry?" Rory asked.
"You're not the one who has to watch their mother give birth, yet," Jess explained.
"That's true, but if that ever happened, my mother wouldn't plan on giving birth in her living room. She would be heavily drugged and in a hospital."
"So you still have no sympathy for me."
"Exactly."
"Well then I'm calling Luke"
"Love you," Rory laughed and hung up the phone.
"So who's using a Doula?" Paris asked, leaning against Rory's door frame. "And why do they hate their unborn child?"
"Jess's mom," Rory sighed.
"That's the one that dresses up and pretends she's still living in the dark ages, right?"
"I don't exactly think she would describe it that way," Rory frowned. "But yes."
"Figures, it's always the crazy hippies that think they can go it without a real doctor. Don't they look at the statistics?"
"I don't think she does."
"Well she should," Paris snapped.
"I'll make sure to tell her that."
"Good." Paris nodded aggressively, then spun around and stomped back into the living room.
Later that week, Rory was hanging out in Lucy and Olivia's room, studying for a test she had coming up in between offering her opinion on Lucy's upcoming birthday party.
"What about drinks?" She asked.
"Boyfriend is a wicked awesome bartender," Lucy assured her. "Drinks are more than taken care of."
As she spoke, there was a knock at the door and Olivia jumped up to answer it.
"Speak of the drunken devil," she smiled at the visitor.
"Boyfriend!" Lucy squealed and ran to the door, throwing it open and jumping into the man's arms.
"Rory, this is Boyfriend," she turned and pulled him into the room, to reveal Marty.
"Oh!" Rory smiled. "Yeah, I-"
"It's Marty, actually," he reached out and offered her his hand.
"Um, hi," Rory accepted the handshake, a confused frown on her face.
"Rory was just helping us plan my party," Lucy explained.
"Oh, yeah? How's it going?"
"Fantastic!" Lucy squealed. "It's going to be so incredibly 2002."
"I'm sure it will," Marty nodded.
The rest of the evening was awkward, but Rory pushed through in the hopes of finding a moment to talk to Marty alone. Unfortunately she didn't get the chance, and ended up leaving just as confused as she had been at the beginning of the night.
"So he just pretended not to know you?" Jess asked when Rory told him about her night.
"Yep. It was like he had never even seen me before," she confirmed. "Which is crazy, because we were really good friends before I met Logan. I've seen the guy naked, for Christ's sakes."
"You know, I wouldn't start with that when you tell Lucy about this."
"What do you mean, when I tell Lucy?"
"You're not going to tell her?" Jess frowned.
"I don't know," she sighed. "I'm just so confused! Maybe I'll try talking to him about it at the party. Are you going to come to that, by the way?"
"I'm going to try, but I don't think I'll be able to spin it," Jess apologized. "We've got a couple performances this weekend and I think Matt and Chris need the help."
"Oh well, I'll just have to find someone else to make out in a corner with," Rory shrugged.
"Well sure," Jess played along. "I couldn't expect you to spend a party by yourself."
"I'm so glad you understand."
She could practically hear Jess rolling his eyes through the phone.
"So, explain the theme Lucy has chosen for this party," Jess changed the subject.
"2002."
"That's not a theme, that's a year."
"Okay, the theme is 2002 Trends," Rory offered. "Does that work for you?"
"It makes more sense, grammatically, but I still think it's a stupid theme."
"Well then it's a good thing it's not your party, now isn't it?"
"I suppose." Jess agreed and Rory heard muffled voices in the background.
"Who's that?"
"Chris. He agrees with me that 2002 is a stupid theme."
"You know, oddly enough, I don't remember asking for either of your opinions," Rory pointed out.
"We offer them freely," Jess shrugged. "Chris says hi, by the way."
"Hi Chris!" She yelled.
"Thank you for that," Rory could hear Jess attempting to pop his ears. "Maybe a little warning before you scream right into my ear."
"I thought you liked it when I screamed," She answered cheekily.
"I'm sorry, did Rory Gilmore just make a dirty joke?" Cynthia's voice suddenly came through the phone.
"She does it a lot, actually," Jess laughed. "Just not in front of other people."
"I wasn't aware I was in front of other people now," Rory blushed. "How about a little warning before you put me on speaker phone?"
"And I refer you back to the permanent hearing loss you just caused me," Jess shrugged.
"Whatever," Cynthia cut into their bickering. "We're not judging."
"I would hope not," Rory scoffed.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Matt asked.
"Oh, good. You're there too," Rory sighed.
"Of course I'm here. We're keeping Jess company while you're gone so he doesn't try to off himself."
"No, you're scrounging food out of my fridge because none of you have grocery shopped in weeks," Jess corrected him.
"That too," Matt agreed. "Now, what do you mean, she can't judge?"
"None of you can judge," Rory laughed. "I know the intimate details of all your sex lives, and I've seen you all naked."
"When have you seen Cynthia naked?!" Matt demanded.
"When has she seen you naked!?" Cynthia countered.
"There was a very drunken night involving tequila and stale donuts when she first moved in," Matt muttered.
"Where was I?!"
"At school, being a responsible adult," Rory offered.
"Interesting... you wouldn't happen to have pictures-"
There was a muffled squeal and the sound of what Rory assumed were pillows, hitting the floor, followed by people running.
"Okay then," Jess put the phone back to his ear. "Now that we're alone again."
"What happened to Chris?"
"He could never say no to a good pillow fight."
"Only true killjoys can," Rory nodded.
"Thank you for that. So, what are you going to do about the whole Naked Guy, thing?"
"His name is Marty," Rory laughed. "And I don't know! That was the entire point of this phone call, before it was completely derailed."
"Well, I hope you figure it out soon."
"Wait, what? Where are you going?!" Rory demanded.
"To make sure Cynthia doesn't kill my business partners, good luck."
"You are a terrible boyfriend!" Rory yelled.
"I love you, too!" Jess laughed as he hung up.
By the time Saturday came around, Rory and Olivia had been able to accumulate boxes upon boxes of 2002 related paraphernalia, much to Lucy's joy. Rory had also been able to convince Paris to attend the party, which was proving to be problematic for her, but Lucy was completely ecstatic.
"I don't get it," Paris had complained earlier in the week, letting herself into Rory's room.
"Don't get what?" Rory sighed.
"2002 Party."
"It's a theme," Rory rolled her eyes.
"How is that a theme?" Paris demanded.
"It's just supposed to be funny."
"I'm not laughing."
"Do you ever?" Rory muttered under her breath. "You don't have to go."
"Why not 2001?" Paris asked. "Space Odyssey- that's a theme. People dress up like astronauts or apes."
"I don't know what to tell you, Paris," Rory shrugged. "That's the theme. Take it or leave it."
"Will there be dancing?"
"Yes, there will be dancing."
"What kind of dancing?"
"I don't know," Rory frowned. "2002 dancing?"
"So we're talking mostly hip-hop," Paris nodded.
"Paris, you don't have to hip-hop dance at this party," Rory assured her, a terrifying image appearing in her mind of Paris and Doyle grinding against each other to a J Lo song.
"I can hip-hop dance!" Paris replied testily. "Don't you worry. Doyle and I will be scorching the floorboards."
"Looking forward to it," Rory cringed.
Before Paris could continue to describe her and Doyle's dancing skills, Rory's phone blessedly began to ring, giving her a reason to shoo Paris out of the room.
"Hi Mom," She answered the phone and dropped onto her bed.
"Guess what?" Lorelai asked, sounding slightly morose.
"What?"
"Last night, Anna came to the diner and announced to Luke that she's moving to New Mexico and taking April with her."
"No!" Rory gasped.
"Yes. Just walked in and dropped it on him, no warning, no discussion, nothing!"
"Can she do that?" Rory demanded. "Is that even legal."
"Well, yeah," Lorelai sighed. "She has sole custody, but that doesn't make it any less awful."
"God, of course not! How's Luke doing?"
"I don't think he's really processed it yet," Lorelai admitted. "He seems kind of numb. But April is with him at the diner right now, so I feel like he'll have a stronger opinion by tonight."
"Poor Luke," Rory sighed. "He just got his daughter, and now she's getting sent across the country."
"I know." There was a heavy pause as they both contemplated Luke's current predicament. "Okay, let's talk about something happy. What are you gonna pledge me?"
"For what?" Rory asked, trying to follow her Mom's though process.
"In the Knit-A-Thon!" Her mother cried. "You know, to make money to repair the same bridge we've been repairing for twenty years?"
"Oh, right!" Rory nodded.
"So, what do you say?" Lorelai asked. "10 bucks a skein?"
"How about $5?" Rory countered.
"So, $15?"
"Make it $3."
"$20 a skein," Lorelai continued trying to up sell her.
"$1.50" Rory challenged.
"25 smackeroos?"
"75 cents."
"We have no idea how to haggle, do we?" Lorelai huffed.
"No idea," Rory agreed. "Why don't you put me down for $30 even?"
"I will not take less than $30, and it's a deal," Lorelai returned to her haggling attempts.
"The best I can do is $30," Rory shrugged.
"Alright, you give me $30 and it's a deal."
"Do I have to pledge Luke too?"
"No, he's just a spectator. But I'd like to see you offer to pledge him, that would be fun." Lorelai joked.
As they talked, Paris suddenly cranked the stereo in the living room, playing some sort of rap music that made Rory cringe.
"What are you listening to?" Her mother asked judgmentally.
"That's Paris," Rory got up and closed the door. "She and Doyle are practising so they can scorch the floorboards at Lucy's party this weekend."
"The poor floorboards," Lorelai laughed. "How is the party prep going?"
"Good," Rory shrugged. "We're just about ready to party like it's 2002. There's just on thing- this whole Marty debacle. It's so annoying to be around him."
"Is he still acting all cold and weird?"
"Beyond cold and beyond weird," she confirmed.
"Well, you're a hard one to get over. He probably just feels bad," Lorelai tried to make sense of the boy's actions. "When guys feel rejected they act all cold and weird."
"Yeah, but I rejected him- if that's even what happened- years ago!" Rory argued. "I mean, there's a statute of limitations on being a jerk, isn't there?"
"He probably just feels awkward. Maybe you should try to be nice."
"He's not exactly being nice to me."
"Well, you just have to be the bigger person," Lorelai shrugged.
"Why doesn't he be the bigger person?" Rory asked petulantly.
"Because you're 11 feet tall, and he's a mere mortal."
"I hate being 11 feet tall."
"I know," Lorelai tried to sound sympathetic. "It's hell finding jeans that fit, huh?"
"You said it," Rory huffed. "Okay, I've got to go. Talk to you later?"
"Later," her mother agreed. "And $30 a skein, right?"
"Total! $30 total!" Rory corrected.
"Thanks, Hon!" Lorelai hung up, leaving Rory to yell into the disconnected line.