Meredith pushed the stiff door open and went over to the edge. Sipping on the coffee she could feel the wind messing up her hair. Taking a deep breath in she felt his hands spinning her round. Looking into his eyes, she broke down.

'He was only fourteen. He shouldn't of died. I should of done more,'

'Mere, you did everything you could. His ICP was so high. There was nothing that could have been done,'

'There had to be. Derek, he was young, strong, and healthy. I don't know what caused him to bleed out,'

'Mere some times there's no reason, it just happens. How long have you got left on your shift?'

'Two hours,'

'Make it thirty minutes. Wind up all your other patients. Be on call instead. Take Natalie home and relax. You need time,'

'What I need more is a hug,' Derek smiled and pulled Meredith in against his chest. She grabbed the back of his scrubs and pulled them down. His thick, muscley arms holding her in against him, allowing her to hear his heartbeat.

'Go home and spend time with Natalie, go speak to Chief. Call me if you need anything,' Meredith went on her tip toes and kissed Derek.

'Thank you,' running her hand over his ass, she left him standing on the roof.

'God, I love her,' Meredith went down to the surgical floor to meet Simon's parents. They weren't what she expected. Simon's mother was a tall blonde. Her hair flowing down her back. Her make up perfect, her outfit immaculate. His father, so different. He looked like he had come off a building site. His jeans covered in paint, his arms white with building dust. Meredith wiped her hands on her scrubs and shook away the feeling of dread. When she became a surgeon, this was what she knew she would find difficult but for some reason, this seemed to be the hardest thing she had ever had to do.

'Mr and Mrs Hornthaw?'

'Yes,'

'I'm Dr Meredith shepherd. I phoned you earlier concerning Simon,'

'What's happened?' The tall woman sat down, taking her husbands hand in the process. Meredith kneeled down in front of them.

'Simon was brought in with an intracranial bleed. It basically means he was bleeding into his brain. We performed an emergency craniotomy but it was too far gone. I'm sorry…Simon didn't make it through the surgery,' Meredith held her breath as she muttered the last words. His mom let out a sharp gasp before bursting into a wreck. His father sat, unable to move. He didn't show emotion, just a plain face. Meredith placed her hand onto of their entwined fingers.

'I'm so sorry. If you'd like to see Simon, just let a member of the staff know and I'll take you to him,'

'I want to see him now,' His father stood up next to Meredith.

'Ok, follow me,' Meredith twisted her wedding band around her finger, hoping to find some support from it. Stopping outside the end exam room she slowly opened the door. Simons body lay motionless, a large dressing on the back of his head, the indigo hair still visible. His father walked over to the side of the bed and instantly lifted his son's body up. That's when he broke, the tears falling fast. The tall blonde stood at the end of the bed, holding herself up on the rail.

'Stay as long as you want,' Meredith slipped out the room, closing the door behind her. Leaning against the wall, she shut her eyes, hoping it would block out the feelings she had. Unable to keep herself together she went along to the surgical board and looked for where Derek was operating. OR 4, the gallery. Sitting up the back she watched as Derek performed an epigram, taking out the cancerous nerves in a mans spine. The Interns all left when she went in, leaving the gallery empty.

Derek was totally unaware of Meredith when he left the table, asking a resident to close up for him. Meredith didn't move from the gallery even after the patient had been wheeled out, and the operating theatre lights turned off. She sat with only the gallery lights showing her shaking form.

'Has anybody seen Dr Shepherd?' Derek was becoming concerned. Simon's family had left Simon over an hour ago and Meredith couldn't be found anywhere. She wasn't in the locker room, the on call room, with a patient, on the roof or down in trauma but he knew she hadn't left because Natalie was still with Richard and her name was still up on the board.

'She went in to watch the epigram. We all left her after she shouted for us to go. I've not seen her since,'

'She was in the gallery?'

'Yeah,' Derek signed a chart and headed along to the gallery. Pushing the door open, he could see Meredith sitting in the back row, her hands between her thighs, her body gently shaking. Walking over beside her she turned her head to face him. Her eyes were red and blood shot.

'Mere…' She fell into his chest and let the tears fall. She couldn't do it. She had become involved and now she had gotten hurt. She used to tell Izzie not to get involved with patients but Izzie had said it was the one thing that made being a doctor. Know how you affected a patient's life for the better. But Izzie never said what it was like when it went wrong. She never said what it was like when the patient didn't make. Now Meredith knew why she didn't get involved with patients. She always got hurt.

They sat in the gallery for thirty minutes, when her pager started going off, but she didn't move. Derek pulled it away from her scrub bottoms and checked the message.

'Mere, Simon's mom and dad want to see you,' Meredith sat up and wiped her face.

'Do you want me to see them?'

'No, Derek, I owe them this much,' Meredith fixed her scrub top and her hair. Derek ran the back of his hand over her face.

'You ok?'

'After this, I'm going home. I'll take Natalie with me,'

'Ok,'

'Thank you,' Meredith smiled gently and headed out the gallery. Simon's parents were sitting holding each other in the hospital lobby, their lives shattered.

'Do you's need anything?'

'We asked a nurse what happened with Simon. They said you were the one, who operated,'

'Yes,'

'They also said that when everyone else had given up, you kept going. You couldn't let him go. You fought for him. You tried to bring him back when everyone else had stopped,'

'Yes,' the tears were threatening to spill over but she was determined to keep her professional appearance on.

'Thank you,' Meredith nodded.

'Simon came to see me about two months ago, to show me his hair. He always had a smile on his face,'

'Thank you,'

'Do you need anything?'

'No, everything's sorted,'

'Ok,' Meredith turned and walked away, the sounds of Simon's mother sobbing, ringing in her ears. Going into the locker room she started changing, but couldn't control her anger. Throwing glass vase across the room, she listened as the glass shattered into a thousand pieces and fell to the floor. She hoped no one had heard the smash but there was no such luck. A small nurse pushed the door open and stood at the door watching Meredith.

'What?' The nurse was startled and left Meredith sitting on the floor, with only her scrub trousers on, her bra showing to the world. She expected a psychiatric consult to appear or Derek but she didn't expect who did arrive.

'Meredith…' looking up to figure she let out a small cry. Her head fell into her hands. She was a wreck. Mark walked over. Pulling her in against his chest she grabbed hold of him, not wanting to let go.

'I just got paged saying you had trashed the room. Derek's in trauma with Addison. So they paged me. Do you want me to get Derek?'

'No, I'm going home,'

'Meredith, no offence but your in no fit state to drive anywhere,'

'I can't stay here,'

'Give me a couple of minutes. Go and get Natalie. I'll meet you out side,' Meredith released her grip on Mark's top and pulled herself to her feet, throwing her street clothes on. The janitor came in and started cleaning up the shattered glass. Meredith's embarrassment was nothing compared to how upset she was. Slamming her locker shut she headed down to Richards office.

Walking in she didn't explain to Richard what had happened. Meredith lifted Natalie and walked out, carrying her car seat. Her beige bag started ringing as she sat outside on the bench.

'Mere, where are you?'

'I'm outside,'

'Are you ok?'

'Derek, I'm fine,'

'Mere,'

'No, honestly I'm fine,'

'Ok, phone me when you get home,'

'Ok,'

'Love you,'

'You too,' Meredith slammed the cell phone shut in anger. Throwing it in the bag, she fixed Natalie's blanket around her.

'You ready to go?'

'Yeah and Mark?'

'Yeah,'

'Thanks,' Mark smiled and lifted Natalie's seat, heading over to the four by four, strapping Natalie in the back. Meredith sat in the front and checked her face in the mirror. She looked like she had been beaten up, her eyes puffed out.

'You wanna tell me what's wrong?' Mark turned the engine on, the radio blasting out Snow patrol, Chasing cars. That set Meredith off.

'I had a patient about four months ago called Simon Hornthaw. He was fourteen and a real Character. He was having a cranioplasty done. He pulled through and was fine. The day I went into labour he came to show me the colour of his hair cause we made deal that after the surgery he would come and show me it. He had dyed it the colour of my surgery cap. Today he got brought I with an intracranial bleed. He didn't make it and for some reason it's really bothering me,' Meredith wiped the tears away from her face ferociously.

'You got involved,'

'I know, and now I'm suffering for it,'

'Are you glad you got to know him?'

'Yeah,'

'Then this is all worth it. In a few months time you'll look back and smile. Thinking about him and his hair. You'll see,' Mark unclipped his belt and lifted Natalie out the back of the car.

'You want a coffee?'

'Yeah, thanks,' Mark lifted Natalie into the house and took her out her car seat.

'How's little miss angel?'

'Giving her daddy hell,'

'Really?'

'Yip. He's up every night with her. I never hear her during the night. He does,'

'Good girl,' Natalie opened her eyes and they darted round the room.

'She's getting big now,'

'I know. She was tiny when she was born. Now she huge,'

'You're looking great as well,'

'You had better not be hitting on me,' Meredith placed the mugs down on the table and took Natalie off of Mark.

'I'm happily married. I can't believe Addison's nearly due. It seems like yesterday she was telling me,'

'She told me while I was sitting on the bathroom floor, throwing up,' Mark laughed.

'I'm glad everything's turned out the way it did,'

'Same here. It's impossible for me to think of things with out Derek. It's like he's always been there. I always laugh at the night we met in Joes. I had bought him a single malt scotch because he looked depressed. I didn't know why and I didn't ask but I got him very drunk,'

'Ah so it was you that took advantage,'

'I was drunk too,'

'Yeah right,'

'I'm glad I bought him that drink…How did you know that I took advantage of him?'

'We were at Joes ones night, just after Addison got pregnant. He started talking to Joe after he ordered four shots of tequila. He said that you still think he took advantage of you but that it was really the other way about,'

'He did now did he,' Meredith started laughing.

'You feel any better?'

'Yeah, I just…I don't know. I needed to let him go and I couldn't but i have now so I'm ok. What about you? I heard you had a bit of an upset time just after I had Natalie,' Mark smiled weakly.

'It was a three month old baby. Her mother had made the bottle up, but it was too hot and the bottle couldn't cope with the heat and it burst all over the baby. She didn't make it,'

'Damn,'

'Yeah. Anyway, I have something to ask you,'

'To ask me?'

'One dirty mistress to another,'

'Very funny,'

'No, seriously. It's a thing for Addison. She's kina stressed about giving birth and I was wondering if you minded being there,'

'What do you mean?'

'Like the way she was for you,'

'You mean, deliver the twins?'

'Kind of. Just be beside her, hold her hand. I'm not good with all that kind of stuff and she say's she doesn't mind if I'm there or not but I don't want her to be alone,'

'Mark she's giving birth, to your kids. You should be there,'

'I know but I'm worried about what's going to happen,'

'Talk to Derek. He says being there the entire time she was being delivered is something he wouldn't change for the world. He'll tell you the same thing. You'll want to be there,'

'I don't think I bear to watch Addison in pain,'

'That's what the drugs are for,'

'I don't know,'

'You'll change your mind when she goes into labour. Trust me on that one,' Natalie started whimpering.

'I'll be back in a minute,' Meredith walked out to feed Natalie, leaving Mark sitting in the kitchen thinking about his options. Meredith was sitting the rocking chair, feeding Natalie.

'He'll be there. If he's anything like your daddy, he'll be there,'