You Might Die Trying

AN: I know this took a little bit longer, but I wanted to be completely done with the next chapter before I posted it. With that said, I hope you enjoy this chapter. Slowly but surely we are reaching the end of this fic.

I have to say a big thank you to all of you who reviewed this last chapter. Your support has kept this going. It is the only reason why this fic is still going… otherwise, I shamefully admit, I probably would have abandoned it long ago. But all of you, each one of you who review, who encourage me, you are the reason why this fic is still being written and will be finished.

Also, a quick welcome to my new readers. We're almost at the end!

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Grey's.

Chapter 33: Possibility

"So tell me when you hear my heart stop,

you're the only one who knows.

Tell me when you hear my silence.

There's a possibility, I wouldn't know."

- Lykke Li

They both froze. Derek's back straightened, but his grip remained firm around her.

"Both of you know damn well that you shouldn't be out of bed." Bailey admonished. "Of all the stupid things you two could do, you both decide to get out of bed. Two brain injured people helping each other. Of all the stupid ass things I've seen." She shook her head. Her eyes caught the wet towel in the floor. She groaned. "Do not tell me that you two got in that shower."

Meredith turned in Derek's arms, facing her boss. "It was me. I got in the shower."

"Grey, of all the stupid - "

"Stop." Derek interrupted, unwilling to listen to Bailey berate Meredith for her need to shower. "We were careful. She was careful. I was in here with her to make sure nothing happened. Everyone is fine. Let's leave it at that."

Bailey glanced at Derek, taking in his defensive pose behind Meredith. She immediately knew that nothing more needed to be said. They were all doctors in this room. Surgeons. They all knew what could happen to either one of them. She also knew that Derek would never let Meredith do anything that would put her at danger. It was clear that the shower Meredith had taken was necessary. Something had required them to get out of bed, and Bailey would leave it at that. She would drop it and move on. They both knew what was on the line. Neither one of them needed to be reminded.

"I'll go get you some scrubs." Bailey said before turning and leaving Meredith and Derek alone in the bathroom again.

Derek turned Meredith in his arms so that she faced him. His gaze met hers. "You okay?"

"Yeah." Meredith swallowed.

Derek rubbed his hands up and down against the skin of her arms, attempting to keep her warm. "Better?"

"A little." She said, her teeth chattering.

Bailey appeared back in the doorway, handing the dry scrubs over to Derek. Meredith stayed tucked in Derek's arms, embarrassed by her weakened state. Derek and Bailey shared a look, each knowing that the days ahead were going to be long and emotional for every one involved. Bailey nodded at Derek, offering her silent approval before she exited their quiet sanctuary.

Derek stepped back, his hands slowing on her shaking arms. "Mer?"

She curled into him, her head landing on his solid chest. Tears that she thought had vanished reappeared, splashing onto her cheeks in silence.

Derek tightened his hold on her. "Let it out."

"I can't." She said, shaking her head. "I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be weak."

"Meredith..."

"No." She interrupted as she pushed herself off of Derek's chest and angrily swiped at her tears. "I can't be this person, Derek. I can't be the victim. Not anymore. I've been this... girl for too long. I need this to stop. It has to."

Derek reached for her again, pulling her back into his arms. He knew that they were on a roller-coaster ride, that the ups and downs were just beginning. And he was damn certain that there were going to be a few abrupt turns along the way, but he felt unprepared. He didn't know what to say to her. He didn't know what would make her feel better. He didn't know how to make all of her demons disappear and leave only the two of them again. He was helpless. And his own fear was growing. His own doubt. Would he fail her again?

He swallowed past the bitter taste that had formed in the back of his throat and continued to hold her against him. He could not fail. He was going to have to find a way to push them both through this. There was no other option. She was his life. And that was the way he wanted it to be. He wanted her. He had since the day he saw her in the black dress at Joe's bar. He could not fail her. Not this time. Not after she had grown accustomed to people failing her. Not after all of this. Not after he was the cause of this. The fear inside of him had no place being there. He needed it to disappear, to vanish without a trace. She was more important... she always will be.

No words passed between them as Derek slowly moved her backwards, guiding her to sit down on the closed toilet. He placed a warm kiss on her forehead as she sat down before he slowly began to dress her. She raised her arms, giving him permission to place the scrub top on her. He watched her intently as he moved, looking for any warning signs or fear, but none arose. Gently, he slipped the top through her arms and over her head before he let it fall over her chilled upper body. He let his hands move down her arms, attempting to warm her as he dressed her.

"Better?" He asked as he grabbed the pants and began to move her feet through the legs. He looked up at her after a few seconds had passed without a response. "Meredith?"

She turned her head towards him. "Yeah?"

"Did you hear what I said?"

"Yeah." She blinked. "I'm good."

Derek quickly slipped the pants the rest of the way up her body, tenderly easing her off of the toilet seat for a second as he pulled the pants up over her butt. His hands reached for the drawstring of the pants, pulling equally on both strings before tying it into a loose knot. When he released the strings, he allowed his hands to move up the sides of her body until they reached her cheeks and cupped them gently in the palms of his hands. He leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on her lips. "You in there?"

"Yeah." She nodded. "Just... cold."

Derek didn't need to be told twice. Without a second thought, he reached forward and lifted Meredith in his arms, carrying her and placing her back in their bed. No protests slipped from her mouth as he had moved her, causing him to stare at her with concern. Something was wrong.

"Meredith?"

She pulled the sheets over her freezing frame. "I'm fine, Derek."

"Every time you say that, it makes me believe you less."

"So, you don't trust me?"

"Mer,.." Derek sighed, sliding into bed next to her. He reached for her, pulling her into his warm embrace. "You know that's not it."

"Then, enlighten me please as to what it is."

"Don't do this, Meredith." Derek said, tightening his hold on her. "Don't push me away. Don't make me the bad guy."

"I'm not doing anything - "

"Bullshit." Derek interrupted. "It's easier for you to push me away, to shut down than it is for you to talk to me about it. I get that. You don't want to deal with it. You don't remember what has happened to you. You don't want to ... think about Taylor anymore," he spat angrily. "But this affects me too, Meredith. What happened to you? It affects me. It kills me. I want to help you. I want to be the person that you allow yourself to cry to about it." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. His hand moved from her back and gently through her silky strands. "You aren't a victim to me, Meredith. You're the woman I love. You are an amazing, strong, intelligent, woman, and I want to help you - "

"Derek - "

"Let me finish." Derek whispered, placing his index finger over her mouth. "I can't not be there for you, Meredith. I can't pretend like there is nothing wrong, when I know there is. I know it's eating you alive, Mer. I know you. I know what it's doing to you. But this is me, and I know, I know, we have been over this, and I will say it until you start to believe it, but I am not leaving you. I will not abandon you. I will not let you down. I will be there. I will hold you when you need held. I will let you hit me when you need to punch something. I will listen to you. I will let you cry on my shoulder. I will help you forget when you just can't take it anymore. I will be there."

Tears pooled in her eyes once more. She buried her head into his chest again, listening to his heartbeat. It was strong and steady just like him. Her hands tightened their grip on his arms and her legs intertwined with his. Tiny droplets of moisture spilled from her eyes as she allowed her barrier to come down once more. This was Derek, she reminded herself. It was Derek. This wasn't Taylor. It wasn't the Chief. It wasn't Finn. This was Derek. The only person that ever really got her. The only person that she had ever really loved.

"Stay with me." She murmured in this chest.

"I couldn't hear you, Mer," Derek said softly.

She pulled her head away from his chest and looked up at him. "I want you to stay with me."

"Of course I'll stay with - "

"No, Derek." Meredith interrupted. "When we're done at the hospital. When we can leave. I want you to come home with me. I don't... I just don't think that I do this alone and you're the only one," she paused, taking a deep breath. "You're the only one that I want to be there with me. You're the one I want to wake up next to. The one I want to tell my nightmares too. You're the one I want to see me cry. No one else."

Derek placed a warm kiss on top of her head. "Of course I'll stay with you. I'll stay as long as you want me to stay."

Meredith pressed herself back against him, allowing herself to enjoy the feel of him beside her, to enjoy how safe and protected she felt in his arms.

"Thank you." She whispered.

"You don't have to thank me."

"I want to."

"Well, you don't." Derek smiled, placed a warm kiss on her unsuspecting lips. "I just love you."

"I love you too, Derek." Meredith breathed.

"When all of this is over." Derek said, his hands running up and down the length of her back. "When we're out of this hospital and back at your house, I'm going to be there, Meredith, until you don't want me to be there anymore. I will be there." His hands slowed on her back as he gently eased her away from his chest. "I just... there are some things, Mer, that I'm not going to be able to help you with. There are some things that you may need to talk to a - "

"No." Meredith denied, shaking her head forcefully. "I don't want to talk to a shrink."

"Meredith." Derek sighed. "It may help. I can't, I'm not adequately equipped to help you in every way that you're going to need help."

"I just need you, Derek. I don't need big words or psychological babble. I just need you. I need you to listen, to hold me, to kiss me, to touch me, to ... make me laugh... to let me cry. I just need you. I don't want a shrink. I won't see a shrink."

Derek closed his eyes. He knew that this was not a battle he was going to win right now. He knew that seeing a shrink for Meredith would be to admit defeat, and she was not going to do that, just like she refused to be a victim. The roller coaster they were on was going to have a low, and that low would come when the nightmares were too strong and he could do nothing to help. That low would be when he would bring this up again, but for now, he had put it out there and that was all he could do. She was going to have to be the one that ultimately decided that she needed to talk to someone, to a professional. He only could hope that she would before the roller coaster got too low, or else it was going to be a long way back up to the top.

"Okay." Derek said, quieting her gently. "We don't have to talk about this anymore."

Meredith nodded. "Thank you."

Derek leaned backwards, pulling Meredith down with him. "Sleep, I'll be right here."

"I don't know if I can."

"He's dead, Mer." Derek said, letting her have a quiet reminder of their reality. "He can't hurt you anymore."

"It's not what he can do." Meredith admitted softly. "It's what he did."

Derek took a deep breath. "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

Meredith instinctively curled closer into Derek's warm body. "Don't leave me, Derek."

"Never." Derek promised, his arms tightening around her trembling frame. "I will never leave you." He placed a kiss atop of her head before settling himself onto his pillow. "Sleep."

Images. Words. Sounds. Voices. They flooded Meredith's brain as she closed her eyes. She moved even closer to Derek, pressing her ear onto Derek's chest, listening to the thump, thump of Derek's heart. She focused on that. She allowed that noise to carry her. To be the wave that brought her down from the cliff that she was nearing as she closed her eyes, until it carried her to sleep and the images, the words, the sounds and the voices, all fell away.

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