Chapter thirty four: Shock

JPOV

July 7, Friday

Sending her home quickly was hard for me. In fact I wanted to ignore what had happened between us, and keep her with me. Every minute.

But William's mood was not an excuse. It was real. Although apparently my efforts were in vain. When he entered the room, and I gave him a big smile, he didn't even look at me.

Maybe he still couldn't believe that I gave her another chance. The boy hasn't been truly in love.

He removed the covers, and started working on my left foot. Loosening up all the tendons. Without a word or a look. At least he was gentle and not ventilating his frustrations through the exercises.

"Hope is a beautiful feeling, William. I'm not just forgetting everything she did. Only letting her know that I want to."

"Like I said, Jake, it's not my business."

"Then why are you so pissed, if it's not your business?"

He stopped and gave me a glare. "Maybe my mood is not entirely dependent on every single thing you do, Jacob. Maybe I have a life of my own. No matter how impossible this might seem to you now."

"I'm sorry."

His gaze softened.

"It's okay. I don't really have a life of my own," he muttered.

I smiled at him and he gave me a faint smile back.

"What is really bothering you? You know you can talk to me. You've seen me at my worst."

"You don't want to know."

"What if I do?"

"Then I still don't want to talk about it."

"So you admit there is something wrong? Are there trouble at home?"

"No."

"With the pack?"

"No."

"A girl then?"

"Let it go. I told you I don't want to talk about it."

"So it's a girl. Ethan told me you are quite successful with the ladies at the rez." Please don't let it be Ness on your mind. Let it be a simple problem with a simple solution.

"Geez Jacob, has anyone ever told you how completely oblivious you are?"

I chuckled "Actually everybody keeps telling me this, yeah. What should I have noticed? Is it Ness?"

"No it's not Ness." he said, with a little more force. His hands were more forceful now too. Almost too forceful. I cringed a little.

"Sorry," he muttered, and continued the exercise gently.

"Then what is it? You're talking in riddles. How oblivious am I?"

"Let it go Jacob. I swear."

He didn't say it warningly. He only seemed hurt. Maybe some girl broke his heart in these last weeks and I haven't noticed. But I have been pretty preoccupied, with the fever and all. I wasn't going to push him anymore. He obviously really didn't want to talk about it. So I just stared out of the window.

It dawned on me that this might be his big secret he was trying to keep. The thing the other wolves knew but weren't allowed to talk about. Maybe this never really was about Ness.

When I looked back at him, I saw that his face was grimaced. He was fighting tears. I can't just let this go.

"Sit down, William." I pointed at the chair.

He obeyed, but didn't look at me.

"You don't have to be here. Not if you're hurt. Go fix whatever it is, and send someone else here. I'll tell them what to do with the exercises."

"I want to be here," he whispered.

I sighed. Stubborn. I stayed silent and just looked at him. After a while he looked up at me, through his lashes. I saw that his eyes were watery.

If it were anybody else, I would have hugged them now. But I know William doesn't like to be touched, so I didn't know what to do.

"You can't keep hiding secrets in a pack, William. And apparently you're not hiding it from the other wolves, just me. Why don't you trust me? I thought we were friends now?"

"You're right. I can't keep hiding. But I can't tell either. I actually planned to leave the pack. Now I see that you're a great alpha. I don't need to protect the other wolves anymore."

I think I was a little hurt by this.

"You like being a wolf. What could be so bad about me knowing? I might be able to help."

"No you won't... What the hell. If I'm leaving the pack, you might as well know."

He looked up at me. "I think I'm falling for you. And if you laugh now, I swear I'll finish Jasper's job myself."

His eyes were panicked. But I wasn't going to laugh.

I was thoroughly shocked. I never saw this one coming. I didn't know what to say.

He got up to leave, but I grabbed his wrist and this time he didn't shake me off.

"Stay William, talk to me."

He sighed, and sat back in the chair. "There's nothing left to say."

"Of course there is. How long?"

"What? How long have I felt it? How long have I denied it? Hated you for it? Accepted it?"

This was bad. It hit me then. "Shit."

"You bet," he said, still with a serious face.

"So all this time, I thought Nessie…"

"I tried to fall for her. Because I had, in the past. I thought I could pick up where I left. But I was just a kid then."

"I'm sorry I never noticed, William."

"I'm glad for that. I tried to hide it. Just these weeks…"

"Must have been hard."

"Yeah."

"Now what?"

"Now nothing. I know you belong with her. I only have to snap out of it. Just don't tease me with girls anymore. Especially not with her."

"Oh," something else dawned on me "every time I thought you were jealous of me, you were actually jealous of her."

"Sort of."

"Are you really leaving the pack? For this?"

"I can't stay now."

"Of course you can. I figure the other boys know already?"

"They know bits and pieces. Some things are hard to hide."

"They never as much as thought about it, if it's any consolation."

"I forbid them. And I think I was convincing. Especially back then. I really, really hated it."

"And now?"

"These weeks have been hard, but in a way, it was good for me. For one thing because in spending all my time with you, I couldn't deny what I feel anymore. So I just had to accept it. For real. And second, I've been steering our conversation towards Seth and Damian several times, and the way you talk about them, it's almost as if they are normal people."

I laughed at this "of course they are normal people. What century are you from?"

"Things are a bit different if you're right in the middle of it, Jacob."

"Yeah. I guess that makes sense."

Now I also understood why he got mad at me, whenever I tried to touch him. Or whenever I called Nessie. He was right. I had been oblivious.

I sighed deeply.

"I'm sorry," he said, misreading me.

"Don't be sorry, William. I know you would change it if you could. I'm just mad at myself that I didn't notice. I guess the signs were there."

"Maybe I should have told you. Before I lay my hands on you." He looked down.

"The exercises are just revalidation. I don't mind. Not even now. If you don't. You're pretty good at it."

"I was just glad to be able to help. I wanted you to need me. To get to know the real me. Not the arrogant kid you hated."

"I never hated you either, but you're right that we didn't get along. Now I know why you acted the way you did, I understand."

"So you're glad I told you?"

"Sure. I mean. This sucks, obviously. But I guess I'm glad you trust me, yes."

He looked up at me like a pup is supposed to look up at his leader. Apparently he had expected me to send him away for good.

"Thanks for being so open minded."

"I might be old, but I've seen things. I for one have imprinted on a half breed. So yeah, I can be open minded. You think it will pass better now you accepted that you might be gay?"

"Maybe. I hope so."

"You should probably take some distance from me."

"I think so too. But not before the surgery. Let's see after that."

"Alright. Well then. Carry on", I pointed at my right leg. Giving him permission to continue.

I was more shocked than I let on. But I didn't want to show him.

He was obviously still struggling. Not just with his feelings for me, but with homosexuality in general. So I figured if I pretended this was no big deal at all, he would accept it easier. And move on.

He got op and stepped over to my foot, but didn't start.

"If you're not okay, ask someone else. If you are, then I am too."

He nodded and started on the tendons in my ankle. Clearly relieved. And I closed my eyes and pretended to fall asleep.

I needed time to process this.

AN: The secret is out!!! What do you think?