Well, here's a new chapter. I'll do my best to update at least one more before I leave for my holiday and hopefully, come back with more ideas :)
Worry not; I can only be mean for so long.
I do have some news. Being the crazy person that I am, I started a new story. Yup, a new one. It's a DanyXRobbXJonXOC love… square? Yup. If anyone is interested, it is called "The Missing Pieces". I will take it slow with that one, but I'd love to know what you think.
So, you know the drill with this one. If you love it, tell me, if you know it, tell me. I hope you love it, tho :)
I watch as the raven flies away with my letter and I cannot help but wonder if Robb will know that something was wrong. I tried to hide it as best as I possibly could, but when I read the letter over, I was not sure if I succeeded or not.
It was dry. Not even my first letters were as dry as this one was. I could not add any emotion to it, because if I did, I would have to tell him everything and that is the last thing I wanted to do. No one likes to admit they have failed, especially not to the person who depended on them the most. Perhaps one day, when this is all over and we get a chance for a normal, happy life, I tell him. I could not do it now. My letter was more like a report than an actual letter and I worry that he might notice it.
I have never dealt with grief, never before in my entire life. And in a way, this was grief. I cannot say if I was grieving a child I lost or if it was grief for a missed opportunity, but it was grief, without a doubt. When you do not have experience in something, you are walking blindly, hitting walls and people who pass you by, hoping that somehow, you will reach that damned door you wanted to open. It was that door, the one from my dream, which I kept reaching for, without actually opening it.
The worst part of it all was actually telling Sansa that it was all a mistake. I was hoping to make her think that we were wrong and that the option of me losing the child was not a possibility. I'm afraid Sansa was a bit too smart for that. She asked only once, and when she saw I could not deny it as a possibility, she did not ask of it again. Nor did she offer any words of comfort; I did not expect him, given that she is still a child. What she did do was something I did not expect; she grabbed my hand and held it firmly, long enough for me to realize that it was her way of silently supporting me.
As for the rest of them, no one knew. And I did not show. I would save my sadness for the night, when the door was closed and a pillow muffled my cries.
"Your Grace," Lana jumps up as soon as she sees me; she was waiting by the door of my chambers, just like she has been doing since that day. "Do you need anything?" she asks me, just like she has been doing since that day. I believe my reaction told her that I was not expecting what had happened. She can only suspect, and her guess would be no better than mine, but I could see her worry.
"If anyone needs me, I will be in my chambers." I say as I close the door behind me, just like I have been doing since that day. Fully aware that keeping to myself might end up being a horrible move, I am not in a good place to be someone's company.
For the most part, they left me alone. Sansa kept her distance, as she knew the truth. Shireen was still sulking at my refusal to allow her to learn how to swordfight. Gendry could hardly walk around the halls and enter the Queen's chambers unannounced and I did not bother with staying in the courtyard longer than I had to. Whatever kept Catelyn away was still a mystery.
I was not locked all day, every day. I would go out, if needed. I would dine with them, knowing that eating my meals in the comfort and silence of my chambers would cause unwanted suspicion. Somewhere along the way, I have learned how to pretend and it is starting to scare me now, when I see just how good I am at pretending. Gods only know how long I have been doing it unconsciously.
Work that needed to be done gave me a perfect excuse. I may be suffering between my own four walls, but at least I am getting some work done. There always has to be some good in the bad.
"Come in," I sigh when I hear a knock. "Good morning, Catelyn," I smile at her as she walks in and closes the door behind her. "I have sent the word to Robb, but I am still waiting for his response regarding the Ironborn." I inform her. It was as if she felt my thoughts and my wonder at her not asking questions. Luckily for me, there were more than enough issues for us to discuss.
Especially the Ironborn. Robb's response to it was simply wait. If I was not battling my own battles, I would be angry at the lack of advice he offered. It did not take me long to realize that there truly isn't much else we can do; we still do not know where they are heading.
"I am sure he will write soon enough," she tells me with a small smile. "I doubt he or King Stannis would let us be here unprotected. I am sure he will send Jon and a part of an army, if they find out that they are heading in Winterfell's direction," she reassures me. That is what I had been hoping for, ever since I realized that that was a legitimate possibility. We cannot do it alone, not if the Ironborn are bringing their entire strength. Fighting on land is not what they are known for, but while that works in our advantage, everything else is the complete opposite. Not only can I not lead an army to stop an attack, but I do not have an army to lead. Whatever our men are doing, they'd better help us here. "Do you mind if I take a seat? I wish to speak to you?" Catelyn asks me.
"Of course," I smile at her. "What is troubling you? Apart from everything?" I let out a dry laughter.
"Everything, Sophia," she smiles at me. "Everything is troubling me. Some things more than others."
"I am here if you wish to speak about it."
"I was going to offer you the same favor," she tells me. "You have been… different. Ever since you have returned from Riverrun. At first, I thought it was because you are missing Robb."
"It is because I am missing Robb," I admit, although Robb was only one of many reasons. "I miss him. I… I care for your son, very much. I worry about him and I wish we were not kept away from one another. But I know it must be done. If we had a choice, both of us would have done it differently."
"You have grown to love him, haven't you?"
"I… I do not know if I would call it love," I admit to her. "I worry about him, I care for him. And I do not want to be away from him." I tell her.
"You just described love."
"I am still getting to know him," I smile, shaking my head. "I do not think I love him, but I believe I am on the right track." I admit. It has taken me a while to admit it to myself, but I have done it now. This is the right way, the way I am heading. This is how love starts. We did it in a reversed order. We married first and then started caring for one another. But it is care and worry. In time, it will be love. I believe in it more than I did before. Even if I keep secrets from my husband.
"I spoke to Sansa."
I did not need her to go into detail to know exactly what she spoke to Sansa about.
I am glad she stays silent, giving me the time to gather my thoughts and melt my frozen blood. I was not expecting this to happen. I thought I could trust Sansa with that information. Once again, I never should have said anything to her to begin with, not that I thought I was with child, not that I am definitely not with child. She should have kept her mouth shut, but ultimately, it was a mistake I made.
"She should not have done that."
"Do not be angry with her, Sophia."
"I am not," I shake my head. "I am not angry, nor will I say anything about it to her. But that does not change the fact that she never should have said anything to you."
"She spoke out of worry, Sophia," Catelyn tells me; I did not think it was possible, but she looks more worried than she did a moment ago. "We all knew that something was wrong. I thought you were simply missing Robb. Sansa knew what the reason was and she worried with good reason."
"I know she did not do it to spite me," I shake my head. "I truly am not angry. I should have kept it to myself."
"Did you not think that talking to me might be helpful?" she asks.
"No," I respond honestly. "No, I did not."
"Sophia, you are our family now," she tells me and for the first time, I can see traces of anger on her face, as he voice becomes stricter. "I look at you like a daughter. I love you as much as I love the five children I gave birth to. We are a family. We live together and we rule together. If we can consult one another with everything, why could you not trust me enough to share it with me? A woman who gave birth to five children? Sophia, I feel as if I have failed you. You should not have been going through that alone." She shakes her head at me. I was expecting anger, not an emotional confession.
"It has nothing to do with trust, Catelyn," I shake my head. "Of course I trust you. You know that. I do consider you my family, all of you. I accepted you since the day I married Robb and I have grown to love you all since. My choice has nothing to do with my trust. I simply… I simply did not want anyone to know." I admit.
"And why would you chose to go through all of that alone?" she asks me.
"Because I did not want everyone to know that I have failed," I admit. I lost my cool for a moment; I take a deep breath to calm myself down. "Either way we choose to look at it, I have failed. If my moon's blood was simply late, Robb and I lost another chance to have an heir. If I have lost a child… I have failed. I have failed my entire family, I have failed myself and more than that, I have failed Robb."
"He would never look at it in such a way."
"Thank you for saying that, Catelyn, but you do not know that no more than I do."
"I know my son," she sighs. "He would never hold it against you. If he would hold anything, it would be your hand."
"He is a supportive husband, but that does not change the fact that I have failed him."
"Sophia, the ugly truth is that women have miscarriages all the time," Catelyn sighs. "I gave birth to five healthy children but my sister has lost of her children, all but one. Stillborns and miscarriages."
"So has my mother."
"Which is exactly why I am telling you this," she gives me a soft smile. "My mother gave birth to me and my sister before she died during childbirth with Edmure. I gave birth to five healthy and strong children while Lysa lost all but one boy, one boy frail and weak. It has nothing to do with blood, Sophia. The time was not right; it is nothing more than that. I know that it hurts in its own way. Believe me, I do. You needed the time to be right. But it was not. And Maester Luwin truly believes that it was not a miscarriage, but a false hope to begin with. Which is not perfect, not by any means, but it is better."
"As much as it might not be in the blood, it can also be true."
"If you think in such away, it can," she agrees. "Hold your chin up. There is not a single doubt in my mind that I will see plenty of Stark grandchildren, running round these halls. Born out of love, not duty. You and my son are a strong pair, Sophia. You fit one another perfectly. You might not see it, but I do. I had my doubts; I am not ashamed to admit. It all happened so fast. I did not want him to break a vow for a woman he did not know, just so that he can have a bigger chance of winning a war. You left a good impression; seeming kind and smart and not to mention, beautiful. But I had my worries. While I know that it has been very challenging for the both of you, I see it being a good decision. You are strong where he is weak. You challenge each other in all the right ways. And more than that Sophia, I know my son. I have given birth to him and watch him grow into a man he is now. When he pleads for me to look after you and to make sure that you are getting all the help you might need… I can tell. I say this without a doubt in my mind; the two of you will have a beautiful family. Now it simply… wasn't the right time."
I did not want to cry. These days, I have been crying more than ever before. With Catelyn, I always had a need to pretend to be stronger than I actually am. I cannot explain why; it simply was like that from the start. I did not want to complain about the cold, even if I was freezing. I did not roll my eyes at the sight of all the letters I must read, because I did not want her to think that I was lazy. I did not speak my mind too openly, because I did not want to start a disagreement. While I have always been honest with her, I have always held myself back. She broke that today, as I broke down in tears.
I did not want to cry. I did not want to have this conversation, even if it might be exactly what I needed. And I did not expect her to get up and run toward me, crouch down next to my chair and let me cry on her shoulder. She whispers thing I cannot hear and gently rubs my back as she lets me cry into her hair.
I do not know how long I cried. Probably for too long. I was the one who pulled away, not her.
"It will all fall into it's place," she gives me a soft smile as she wipes away the tears from my cheeks. "It will happen sooner than you expect it. And never hold things back from Robb. Men like that are rare, and I am not saying this because I raised him. His own father was understanding and loving and yet Robb is more. He loves you, Sophia. He might not realize it yet, but he loves you and you love him. And if by some chance I am mistaken, you will reach that sooner than you can imagine."
Once again, Catelyn steps up and becomes the mother I never truly had. Short of words, I don't have anything else to do, other than to pull her in for another hug. This time, I do not cry.
I did not realize how easier it would be. If I had, I would have spoken to Catelyn much earlier.
I am by no means alright. I am still sad and worried, but this time, I am trying to shake away the worry that I might just be my mother's daughter, through and through. I do not really believe in positive thoughts and how they might affect the general outcome, but it did not hurt me to try.
I used it as a mantra. It was not a miscarriage, it was a mistake. Even if it really was a miscarriage, I chose to pretend that it was a mistake. It is easier to live with that. We did not succeed, but that does not mean that we will not succeed in the future. Halls of Winterfell will be filled with children laughing.
I was not there yet, not even close. I had a lot of convincing to do, but at least now, I felt better.
I was not locked up in my room every chance I got to. I would step out, I would talk to people. I even spoke to Sansa, pretending as if she never told my secret to Catelyn. As I reassured her mother that day, I know Sansa had no ill intentions. And ultimately, it did end up helping me. Not everything should be kept a secret and this experience was proof enough to me. However, just because I felt comfortable talking about it with his mother does not mean I was ready to say the same to Robb.
Perhaps one day, when I give him a child. Perhaps then, I will share it with him. He is too far away to help me, and I would only cause him more worry, which was the last thing I wanted to do. I will keep it from him until the time is right. That time may never come, but it matters not. The next time I see him, we will try again. I cannot know when that will be, but whenever it is, I will have a new hope.
One person paid the highest price; a price that was not hers to pay. With all that has happened, I did not have time to make things right with Shireen. I know her like the palm of my hand; even if she was sulking, she was not truly angry at me. While I did have plenty of worries to focus on, I should not have allowed myself to lose my focus when it comes to her. She is my sister, my blood, my family. If I have promised to be there for her, I should bloody well do it.
"Story time?" I peek through her door with a small smile on my face. She frowns at me from where she lied on her bed, but I keep my smile up; in a moment, the frown melts away and a tiny smile shows up as she nods her head. I grin as I walk into her chambers and to her bed; she makes room for me, moving to the side. "What do you feel like hearing? Mermaids? Ice Queen? Something new?"
"Why don't we just talk?" she asks me. "We did not talk much lately. I don't like it."
"Boy, you sure know how to make me feel guilty," I sigh as I ruffle her hair. "I am so sorry, little one. A lot has happened since we moved here. I have not been the big sister I needed to be, have I?"
"You were," she shakes her head. "You still are. You've just been busy."
"That should not be an excuse," I mumble. "Well, I might have a lot of things I need to worry about, but I will not let it happen again. So? What do you want to talk about?"
"Tell me about the things that worry you."
"If I talk about that, I will only worry even more." I laugh.
"Or maybe it will be helpful, since you don't talk much to anyone lately?" she suggests.
"Gods, I forget how smart you are. I hate that," I mumble as she laughs. "Alright. Which worry do you want to talk about? But be warned; you must choose carefully, as the options are endless."
"Why have you been so sad lately?" she asks me.
Once again, I forgot just how smart she is. And just like I did the night I left for The Wall, I had a choice I needed to make. Do I tell her or do I keep my mouth shut? It won't change much for me and it will not change much for her. But it could be helpful. And perhaps she needs a reminder that I trust her, just as I need a reminder that there are still people I can talk to. Even if they are eleven years old.
"I thought I was with child," I admit, taking a deep breath. "I was wrong. And that made me sad."
"You are not with child?" Shireen asks me and I shake my head. "I'm sorry to hear that. But there is still time, is there not? You have only been married for a few months."
"Aye, and I have been away from my husband for a bigger part of those few months," I nod. "I know we still have time. I know it means nothing. I suppose I just… I really wanted it."
"Do you want to be a mother?" she asks me.
"I think I do," I admit. "See, it is different. At first, I wanted a child only because I needed a child. Then, when I actually thought that I was having a child… I wanted it. I did not know I actually wanted to be a mother until I was faced with the possibility of becoming a mother. I wanted it."
"And you will be a mother," Shireen smiles at me and takes my hand. "A good mother, too."
"I am not so sure about that, little one."
"You might call me little one still, but I am not so little, Sophia," Shireen frowns at me. "I know what you did for me. If you think I never noticed that it was always you who told me stories and not Mother, you are mistaken."
"I have taught you too much," I smile as she chuckles. "Either way, I am glad at least someone thinks that I will be a good mother."
"I am certain your husband thinks the same."
"Shireen, you know him even less than I do."
"Maybe. But maybe I see something you don't."
"Such as?" I ask through laughter. "You haven't seen the two of us together since we left Dragonstone. Shireen, I love you all the way to the stars and back, but you know nothing."
"I do know how happy you were when you were leaving for the Riverlands. I also know you were sad when you returned."
"That tells you more about me than him, but alright."
"Do you truly believe he does not care for you?" Shireen asks me, wide eyed.
"No!" I shake my head. "No, that's not what I said. I know he cares for me, in a way. He told me that. I know it. Caring for me and thinking I would make a good mother are two very different things. Although…" I sigh, realizing that I was wrong, yet again. Shireen had a point.
"What?"
"He did tell me that he wants me to be the mother of his children," I admit. "I suppose he would not want a bad mother for his children. That means you have a point, little one."
"He really told you that?" Shireen asks me and I nod. To my surprise, her smile grows. "So, he is really nice to you, is he? I mean, I know you told me he is a good man, but the way you are talking now, he almost sounds like one of those knights from the fairytales."
"I imagine he is like that, sometimes," I admit, smiling. "He has been nothing but kind. Even when I disagree with him, he listens to what I have to say. He actually wants to hear me out. You know how Father always tells mother to stay silent? Robb never did that." I tell her. Of course, mother and father have been married for a lot longer than Robb and I have. Like everything, resentment grows over time. Even so, I highly doubt I could ever feel such resentment towards Robb, no matter what he did.
"Do you… do you think he is in love with you? Like, real love?" Shireen asks.
As honest as I am with her, some things I will never be able to tell. One of those things is that Robb had a lover he loved dearly and that for a while, I was nothing but a shadow of her. I also cannot say a word to explain the physically need I felt now. I doubt I would do it even if Shireen was my age and married, let alone now, when she is still a child.
"No, little one," I shake my head. "I think he would have told me that. Although, I think we are on the right road to that. In time, I imagine we will get to that."
"He never told you he loves you?" she asks me.
"No, although he did something better," I smile when she raises her eyebrow. "Well, when I was in the Riverlands… it is a long story, but he actually married me again."
"Again?"
"Yes," I nod my head, smiling at the thought of it. "This time, he married me in front of a weirwood tree. In front of his Gods. Gendry gave me away and he and Jon were our witnesses. He might not love me, but I have nothing bad to say of him. He is treating me well. He is kind and… he is a good husband."
"You are crazy in love, aren't you?"
"What? No!" I snap, causing Shireen to start laughing at him. "Alright, Shireen, just because I think he is a good husband and I also believe he is very attractive does not mean I am in love with him."
"You forgot to mention the part where you want to give him children. Ouch!" She gasps when I hit her on her shoulder. After the initially shock, Shireen realized she was pushing my buttons in all the right ways. "Robb, I want to have your children," she teases me. "I want you to love me; I want you to never leave me. I need you, Robb, oh Robb, kiss me Robb…"
"I will cut that tongue out." I warn her, genuinely shocked at her courage.
"I got everything I have from you," she laughs at me. "Besides, if I was not right, you would not be reacting like that. You are the one who told me that people are most defensive when you are right."
"I have created a monster," I calmly state, causing her to laugh even harder. "Oh, shut it. To bed, now." I order, hoping to keep my role as the older sister. I gave her the power to do this. "You are too young to tease me in such ways. So, tuck in and get ready for a bedtime story, since you are still a child."
A horrible noise snaps me awake. For a moment, I look around, confused, until I realize I have fallen asleep next to Shireen, who jumps up right after me, looking at me wide eyed and half asleep at the same time.
"That is the horn." I jump up and run to the window, opening it wide. I see people rushing towards the gate. "I need to see what this is about."
"You cannot go out like that!" Shireen yells after me. "Your hair is messy and you are in a nightgown."
"Shireen, if Winterfell is under attack, I don't have time to stop and do my hair! Stay here!" I order her before I run out of her chambers and down the hallway. I run as fast as I can, running out into the courtyard. I see Catelyn there, looking around. I run to her. "Catelyn! What is going on?"
"I don't know!" she shakes her head. "I don't think it's an attack."
"Open the gates!" a guard yells.
"Oi!" I yell from the top of my lungs. To my complete surprise, he actually hears me and turns around, looking for the source of that yell. "Who the hell do you think you are opening the gate to?!" I yell.
"Your Grace, I…"
"Shut it!" I snap at him. "You do not open the gates unless I give you an order to do so!" I yell as I walk towards him and the gates, fully aware that everyone is looking at me. "How dare you open our gates in the dead of night, knowing we might be under attack, without consulting me or Lady Catelyn?"
"Your Grace, it is not an attack…"
"And how do you know that? Have you seen the future?"
"Your Grace, they are carrying your Father's banners." He tells me.
"Well, than you come to me and tell me that before giving your own orders!" I yell up at him, shaking with anger. "My Father's banners or not, you either ask me or Lady Catelyn if you plan to open our gate to an army in the middle of a night! Don't look at me, open the bloody gate!"
"Sophia, calm down." Catelyn tells me as she stands next to me and takes my hand.
"I'm calm," I lie, and turn around, just in time to notice Shireen running our way. "I thought I told you to stay in bed. Don't you ever listen?" I ask, but the girl simply ignores me and stands next to Catelyn. If I was angry before, I am even angrier now. Shireen is really pushing it with this game of hers. I will deal with that when I do not have strangers knocking on our gate at such an hour.
The idiot that was guarding the gate was right; Father's men march in, carrying his banners first. My eyes go wide as I look at the number of them, before I recognize two faces in the crowd.
"Ser Davos?" I ask in surprise as I walk their way, ignoring the fact that I am marching into an army. I blink my eyes rapidly, waiting for him to fade away as a product of my imagination, but he stays there, sitting on his horse and smiling at me. "Matthos?" I ask, looking at his son next to him. Yes, that was Matthos. Cold and distant, but still the person I called my friend. Unlike his father, he does not smile at me. "What are you doing here? What is going on?" I ask, looking in shock as even more men march inside our walls.
"Your Grace," Ser Davos roars; I forgot how impressive his voice is. "Do you truly think King Stannis would leave his two daughters unprotected? He sent us as soon as he heard about the possible danger from the Ironborn." He tells me. Robb must have told him. I was not keeping it a secret myself, but I did not share it with Father, as I did not find strength in me to do write him.
"If you are here, who is helping Father in the South?" I ask as I watch Davos jump from his horse.
"Your husband's brother and King Stannis are quite capable of doing that on their own."
"Jon?" I ask, looking at him in surprise. "What in the name of seven hells is my husband doing then?"
"He is right behind us, Your Grace," Davos tells me. I do not have a chance to properly react as in that very moment, I watch as Robb rides into Winterfell. Our eyes meet as I stare at him, expecting him to disappear in the same way I expected Davos to disappear. I see Catelyn from the corner of my eye, running towards her son as even more men follow him in. As he gets off his horse and hugs his mother, his eyes never leave mine. No smile, no nod, nothing. He is just… looking at me.
When Catelyn moves away, Robb takes one step in my direction. One step alone. I wait for him to continue, but he does not. Knowing that I am the only one that can do anything about it, I start walking toward him. I do not run. However, with every step I take, I walk faster. He starts walking towards me as well and by the time we get to one another, I do not care that the courtyard is filled with people. I do not care that they are watching us. I do not care that his mother is standing behind him, or that the man I used to love is behind me, probably looking at us as well. I simply do not care.
I kiss him, in front of anyone, because all that mattered now was him.