Author Note: I gave my all for this chapter and held nothing back, hope you all appreciate it.

Disclaimer: Death Note and its characters belong to Tsugumi Ohba.

Chapter 36: Acceptance and Understanding

I slowly returned to consciousness and immediately wished not to; I was sore all over and my head pounded.

That was worse than I thought it would be, I thought with a groan. However, I knew that I wouldn't hesitate to do it again if I needed to.

I carefully brought my arm up to cover my face before slowly opening my eyes. I almost expected there to be burn marks all over my skin but there were no marks to show the pain I had experienced.

I let out a heavy sigh, as I finally understood the gravity of what I had done; I went against Light's plans to save L's life. I saved L…but basically abandoned Light to do it. I regretted my actions but at the same time…I didn't. It wasn't right for L to die that way; he's dedicated his life to catching criminals and is doing what he believes is right with as little sacrifices as possible…unlike Light. The difference between the two was painfully obvious at that point but there were other more important things to focus on.

What do I do now?

I let out another sigh and looked around the infirmary. I was startled to see that I wasn't alone in the room like I had originally thought. L was sitting by my bedside like the last time I was here, though he was just curled up in the chair instead of perched on it. I was shocked to see that he was actually sleeping in the chair. Having never seen him like this, I was captivated by the peaceful expression he wore.

I moved further down the bed and swung my legs over the side. I sat there and took in the unusual but endearing sight. My hand slowly came forward, as if I was in a trance, and gently cupped his cheek. I felt tears form in my eyes as I took in the warmth of his skin.

He's really alive.

I was so relieved to see that I hadn't failed him and that Rem hadn't gone back on her promise. I caressed his cheek and reveled in the feel of it; I could practically feel the life flowing through him. I didn't notice him stir but I definitely noticed when those dark eyes opened and locked with mine. We were stuck at a standstill for a moment then his hand came up to grab hold of mine. He pulled my hand away from his face then brought his own hand up to mine. He continued to hold my hand as he gently brushed away my tears. Looking into those eyes, I saw that he was just as relieved as I was.

"How are you feeling?" His voice was gentle and soft.

"Fine." He gave a faint smile but it faded as he took on a more serious look. He drew his hand back and released his hold on my hand. I was disappointed at the loss of contact but had been prepared for questions.

"How did you get into the control room?"

That's not the question I was expecting.

"I cracked the code on the door." I lied. He frowned at me.

"You're lying."

Damn.

"Watari let me in." I tried again but he just shook his head. I sighed. "What do you expect me to say?" He looked a bit startled and uncertain. He looked away as he contemplated an answer.

"I don't know…but I want the truth." He looked back at me, eyes burning with serious determination.

What do I do now? I can't tell him the truth…or can I?

A plan started forming in my mind. It was risky and would no doubt lead to Light's arrest if it failed but there was no going back at that point.

Light will be arrested even if I do nothing. I took a deep breath and faced L, ready to tell him the truth.

L's POV:

I had never felt such terror, panic and heartbreak before as I did the moment Akishi collapsed to the floor in the control room. It had been so sudden; one moment I was checking on Watari and the next I hear her cry out in extreme pain. I thought she was about to die…and that terrified me.

I held her in my arms, foolishly hoping that would keep her with me, and prayed to the god I didn't believe in. I wanted to scream and plead at her to not leave me but my throat was too clogged up with all my emotions. I felt so powerless…what good was all my intelligence if I couldn't use it to save her? I didn't question why I felt this extreme need to save her; I just knew that I had to.

I felt my heart break even more when she used the last of her strength to caress my cheek and reassure me that she was going to be fine. My heart stopped when those captivating eyes closed and her body went lax in my arms. I felt a scream pushing its way through my clogged throat but it stopped just before my lips when I felt a steady thump in the wrist I was holding against my face.

Filled with hope, I frantically checked for a pulse. It was faint but there was a steady pulse, meaning she was still alive. I informed the others and they rushed to get her to the infirmary. I reluctantly handed her over to Aizawa and Mr. Yagami, knowing I wouldn't have the strength to carry her there myself. I forced myself to stand as Watari regained conciousness. I helped him to the infirmary, ignoring Light, who was staring after the men carrying Akishi, and helped him patch up his forehead. I was then forced to wait in anxious anticipation for the moment Akishi awoke.

I had gone over the survellience footage of Akishi and Rem in the control room many times while Akishi recovered. Unfortunately, there was no audio for the footage but it was clear that Akishi had somehow talked Rem out of killing Watari and me. I wanted to know how and why she did it but for some reason my mind kept going back to the question of how she got into the room in the first place.

I decided to get that question out of the way now that she was awake so I could focus on more important ones. She was clearly caught off guard by the question and, surprisingly, responded with a lie. I was shocked; she rarely lied, in fact I could only recall one time where she had really lied and that was during her confinement. I called her out on her lie but she just lied again.

"What do you expect me to say?" She suddenly asked, looking defeated. I froze.

What do I expect her to say? I wondered. Those are the only ways she could have gotten in but I knew they were lies so how did she? I couldn't think of an answer no matter how hard I tried.

"I don't know." I reluctantly admitted. "But I want the truth." Whatever that may be.

I watched her conflicting emotions flash across her face and waited. She looked back up at me after a moment, clearly determined but also uneasy. I leaned forward slightly when she took a deep breath and opened her mouth. However, no words came out; she was struggling to get the truth out.

Why? Was it really that bad?

She gave a frustrated sigh then gestured for me to raise one of my hands. I was beyond confused at that point but still held my hand up with the palm facing her. She lifted her own hand and slowly reached out towards mine. She kept her eyes locked on our hands and I felt inclined to do the same though I had no idea what she planned to do.

She hesitated momentarily when our hands were about an inch apart then finally closed the distance. To my absolute shock, her hand continued forward…through mine. I couldn't feel her hand but could clearly see that her fingers had passed right through my palm. I yanked my hand back so violently that I fell out of my chair. I didn't register the pain from hitting the floor; I just continued to stare up at her in shock.

How did she…? The sight of Rem phasing through the walls of Watari's control room appeared in my mind. With that memory in mind, the answer was clear to me but I didn't want to believe it.

"You're a…shinigami?" She said nothing but her sad, silent stare was all the answer I needed.

This whole time she's been…that explains so much. She's Light's shinigami; that's how they met…wait that means…

"You gave him the Death Note." I said as I rose to my feet. I won't deny that there was some outrage behind my words.

She's the cause of all this. All my rage faded when I saw the absolute regret and guilt in her eyes.

"Yes…I did. I didn't think that he would use it this way but that's no excuse; I still dropped it, knowing people would die and I never stopped him even though I could have." Tears spilled down her distraught face but I didn't let that distract me from what I had just learned; I had so many questions.

"How can we see you? We never touched your Death Note." That question seemed to upset her even more but she answered anyway.

"I am able to make myself visible to others while in human form whether or not they have touched the notebook." She replied with a resigned sadness.

"Human form? So this is not how you really look?" Having seen Rem, I already knew the answer. She nodded then looked away from me, clearly wishing to escape but making no move to do so. I paused then to really think about all this.

All this time I've been with a shinigami and didn't know it. It was still hard to believe. Looking at her, I wouldn't suspect that she was anything but human.

This is the truth though…I have to accept it and there's only one way to do so.

"Show me your real form." Her head whipped back around and she stared at me with wide eyes. "I want to see it."

I would not let myself be ignorant about this; I didn't want to be able to deny the truth later. She looked so heartbroken and afraid but I would not be deterred. She avoided my gaze as she reached behind her for something I couldn't see. She took a step forward and reached out for my hand again. There was actual contact this time and I felt the smoothness of paper along with her skin.

She dropped the Death Note clipping and walked around the bed so she was no longer boxed in. She faced me and closed her eyes. I watched intently as she clenched her fists and bit her lip, not knowing what to expect.

Her teeth pierced her lip and blood spilled down from the wound as her arms and legs grew in length, skin tearing at the joints to make it possible. I was able to see the bones in her arms and legs become thin and move around to accommodate the change. It was a horrifying sight but I made myself watch.

The intense grimace on her face and quicken breath showed just how painful this was for her but she didn't utter a sound. The torn skin didn't move to cover the bone once more but instead started rotting around the exposed area. Her skin started rotting in other areas as well and her clothes rotted away entirely. However, nothing indecent was exposed for there were no longer any defining female parts; she was becoming just as genderless as Rem.

Surprisingly, her hair remained, though it had lost some of its luster. I nearly retched when I spotted a rotted, shriveled lung through one of the gaps of her semi-exposed ribs. When her transformation was finally complete I forced myself to finally look at her face.

The first thing I noticed was that I could almost see the entire left side of her jawbone and there was no longer any blood on her chin. I brought my gaze up to look into her eyes but there were no such things. There were dirty, old bandages covering her right eye and the left was just an empty socket.

How can she see anything?

A gleam of familiar red in the socket caught my attention. Looking at it, I was reminded of the red eye of her human form that always captivated me. I looked her over again, lingering slightly on the Death Note strapped to her waist, and saw no real trace of the girl I thought I knew. I felt lied to, betrayed and heartbroken. It hurt terribly knowing that I developed strong feelings, of what kind I still didn't know, for a girl that didn't really exist.

I went to say something, though I wasn't sure what, but stopped when I saw that the being before me was trembling quite violently. Curious, I stepped closer and looked up at the face, which was now turned away from me. It was really hard to recognize any emotion on that face but the slight soaking of the bandages and the clenched fists told me all I needed to know…she was crying but this form couldn't properly express her pain. Despite her appearance, I felt my heart ache at the knowledge that she was hurting.

I couldn't understand why my feelings for her were still there but then I realized…she was still human. She didn't look human in anyway but she still had feelings like one. Her kindness, strength and spirit were still there; everything about her that I was drawn to remained.

How can I reject her now?

I found that I was now more at peace with my feelings towards her and even had some idea about what they were. Determined to accept her for who she really is, I bravely stepped forward and touched the arm closest to me. I shuddered at the horrible, disgusting feel of the skin but didn't let go. She tensed at the touch and looked down at me from her new height. I couldn't see it in her face but knew she was shocked.

"It's okay." I smiled up at her and felt her relax at my words. We stood like that in peaceful silence for a moment.

"You can change back if you want."

She immediately stepped back to do so. I jumped slightly at the loud crack her bones made when they suddenly snapped. Knowing I would not be able to handle anymore, I occupied myself with picking up the Death Note clipping that was dropped earlier. I stared down at small, innocent-looking piece of paper, wondering what I should do with it. It would have probably been best to dispose of it but I ended up slipping it into my back pocket.

I might need this later.

"Ryuzaki." I turned around at Akishi's voice. She was now back in human form, smiling at me.

"Thank you." I gave her a smile of my own as I walked forward to caress her cheek. I was glad to see that I felt no reluctance to do so and she seemed to feel the same for she leaned into my touch.

"Is this why you see yourself as a monster?" I asked, recalling the conversation in the cemetery. She nodded, looking nervously to the side.

"I stand by what I said." I said, drawing her attention. "I don't think you're a monster."

She lunged forward to wrap her arms around me. I pushed all my questions to the side for the moment and held her as she cried out her relief and happiness. The great, soothing warmth in my chest told me that I had made the right choice in accepting her.

Author Note: All that description O_O It was hard but fun to write that part. Hope it was worth all the effort. I pictured Harvey Dent from The Dark Knight when I was describing the jawbone being visible.

Hope L's feelings and thoughts make sense. He is not the type of person to care about appearances so he wouldn't scorn or reject her for being what she is.

I noticed that Akishi has shared big but different things with both Light and L. She discussed the previous owner with Light and told L that she sees herself as a monster. I didn't plan this but I like that both know different things about her.

We'll finally get Light's POV next chapter so you'll have that to look forward to.

Please Review.