Chapter 34 – Out of the frying pan, into the fire

"Donovan. Donovan, you're veering a little..."

"Ohshit," I spat out, quickly correcting my course before I took out a collection of trash cans on the side of the road. That was an unneeded moment of tension.

"Maybe I should be driving after all," Lindsay nervously laughed. I could only imagine she had enough fear running through her with the prospect of getting caught. Trashing her parents' car again must have been a terrifying notion that she wanted to bury in the back of her head.

"Yeah, no. Sorry. I was just a little-" I held my breath and stopped, not being able to hold back the thought that bulldozed out of my mouth next. "What do you think they're talking about?"

I had almost plowed into the garbage because I was lost in thought, trying to figure out how the conversation was going between Kim and Daniel. More than that, I was simply worried about if they were talking at all. That little brat had somehow gotten into my head, though I had no one to blame but myself for my eavesdropping.

"Who? Nick and his dad?"

"No. Kim and Daniel."

"How am I supposed to-" She stopped mid-sentence and her contrary expression fell away. "Are you and Kim- have you guys talked about what went on between you two since she got back?"

"Well..." I looked over at her somewhat nervously, cocking my head to the side for a moment and squinting. "Kinda?" Pointing my gaze back to the road, I decided to clarify my statement a little more. "We've done some talking... and a lot more than just that, honestly."

"Oh, jeez," she groaned and I wasn't exactly sure how to take the response. "So...?"

"So... we're sorta in the same spot we were before," I groaned out, feeling like I was being grilled for some reason or another. "Look, she's just not ready for another relationship yet, Linds. I'm doin' my best to not push her, to give her time to feel like she's ready to do whatever she wants to do."

"Well that's... good, I guess."

"I just... ya know... I'm a little worried. I mean her and Daniel- they have a lot of history, and, shit, I already thought somethin' was happening between us before and she went right back to him."

Lindsay released an angry sounding scoff. "Oh what? Don't you have any faith in her?! If not then why are you even interested in being with her?"

"It's not her I don't trust!"

I did trust Kim, truly, but I also knew just how much of a deep, confusing past she had with her ex, and how he worked. His ability and willingness to manipulate the emotions of those around him and use it for advancement or to get his way was scary (perhaps even bordering on a sociopathic tendency) and he had the charm to pull off the trick with ease. I didn't even know what to think of him at that point. He was understandably angry over the whole situation, but how did he ever expect any of us to move on or coexist if he refused to talk about it?

"Daniel? You're seriously worried about Daniel getting her back?"

"Yes," I nodded without hesitation. "Why is that so ridiculous?"

"Because he's with someone else! People don't just end relationships out of the blue for someone else!"

She didn't even throw a glance my way with her statement, as if she was trying to convince more than just me. Her statement was preposterous and she must have known that. She was smart enough to know that people did all kinds of scummy things, including adultery.

"How do you even know that?"

"I know because we talked a little when he dropped by on the weekend to play that game with Sam and the guys. He- okay, so maybe he still has feelings for her, but how could he not? You said yourself that they have a history. He knows it's over... he just doesn't want to know... ya know?"

I just gave her an odd look, trying to figure out what she was alluding to. At first I thought she was telling me not to worry, but after her explanation I began feeling like there were crossed signals of Daniel moving on and not moving on at the same time.

"You know, even if he wasn't with anyone, Kim wouldn't do that to you. She lo-" Lindsay suddenly gasped and clasp her hand over her mouth to cut herself off.

"She what?" I asked, trying to keep my focus on the road.

"Donovan, you need to really think about your feelings for Kim. I mean really think about them, because... do you remember when you finally came clean with me at school and I teased you about being in love with her?"

"That was teasing? You could have told me that sooner..."

"Good! Maybe if you believed I was serious then you actually thought about it."

I was completely lost in what she was referring to. This wasn't even her smart brain that was flying right over my head, but something else entirely.

"Are you just trying to jump in a relationship with her to be in a relationship? Because you want to have it before it's gone?"

That did it. I couldn't get any more lost if I were in the Bermuda fucking Triangle. What was all of this about? "Linds, how could you even-"

"Because I don't know, Donovan! She's my best friend and I don't want to see her get hurt by you... again."

"Again? That's a bit of a low blow. We both got hurt when that shit went down..."

"All I'm saying is that the last time you were with someone you pretty much just picked out a random girl and went for her. This is bigger than that for Kim, and it better be for you too! Do you remember when you were telling me about how she was acting when you were talking to other girls? That day at Belle Isle?"

I nodded, recalling the day she was referring to and trying to figure out how it connected with the conversation at hand.

"And how I mentioned something like 'she was serious,' when you told me about the first time she stopped your date and I wouldn't tell you what I meant?"

"Yeah," I nodded again, sounding uncertain in my answer.

"Well, I was talking about Kim!"

My eyes widened at the revelation. "What?"

"Yeah! Kim did those things on purpose, but it wasn't because she was trying to be mean to you or anything... she just didn't know what to do with how she felt about you."

That doesn't make any sense! Her relationship with Daniel was doing just fine then...

"She really likes you, really cares about you, Donovan. She has for a while now. Once the subject of you guys came up on our trip, it was like a floodgate opened and I couldn't get her to stop talking about it. I don't know what happened between you two to cause it, but... I think Kim's in-" Again she cut herself off, looking fairly uncertain of if she should say what she intended to. "You mean a lot to her, Donovan. You really do."

'Kim's in-' what?! What were you gonna say? Kim's in love? With me? Am I in love with her?

"I- I-" I was simply at a loss for words. My brain was right back to the state of confusion it was in when the subject was brought up the first time. What was it about the notion of 'love' that was so paralyzing to me? That was, after all, what I felt for Kim, right? We got along damn-near perfectly, always enjoyed each other in every way possible and... I honestly couldn't say that anyone else made me happier or that I wanted to make anyone else happier than her. That was love... right? I was scared of committing to an emotion that I didn't know how to truly define or attach a word to how I felt if I would just be doing a disservice to either.

Suddenly a boost of confidence chimed in my head, right on time.

Who's to say you aren't in love with her, kid? You know what love is, you define it all the time. The only reason you're scared of it is because it is a concept you have to have faith in, something you have to believe in and not something you can simply hold in your hand and know is real. Those feelings you have for Kim are real, and they are love, plain and simple.

A smile began to show on my face, but just like every yang, the yin of paranoia was soon to follow.

So you know how you feel... but what about her? Can you really go by what Lindsay assumes and hope she's right? You heard her- she couldn't even bring herself to say it out loud! Besides, saying someone loves you because someone else thinks they do is a bit of a stretch, don't you think? And what if you do tell her and she doesn't feel the same way about you? Can you handle that? Are you ready to handle that this soon? Listen, just keep your feelings under wraps, cause you'll probably lose it all if you don't.

The back and forth I was creating in my head would have undoubtedly continued if not for Lindsay's voice breaking through.

"Please, Donovan, whatever you two are thinking of doing, whatever this is to you, don't lead her on. Don't hurt her," she urged.

"I won't, Linds. I never would."

Somehow Lindsay knew that our talk had put me into a thoughtful state of mind and she didn't even bother trying to bring up any further conversation with me. Maybe that was her plan all along, to get me thinking.

A slight panic overtook me when we arrived at Nick's and I realized we had not gone over what we were going to say to the Colonel at all. My mind was so completely focused on Kim that Nick came in as a very distant second, if at all. With a sincere smile, Lindsay told me she had already worked out how she would guide the discussion when she was getting ready and how she presented herself was going to be part of the tactic, hence the fancy getup. Mr. Andopolis was one who judged things not only by their contents, but their outward appearance as well... which perfectly explained why he thought so lowly of his son's friends even though he knew next to nothing about them.

Mr. Andopolis looked as patronizing as ever as he greeted us and invited us into the house. I was expecting Nick to be stalking around the house in anticipation of seeing Lindsay for the first time in weeks but his father made it a point to let us know that his son had already left the house for drum practice. To my surprise, Lindsay looked a little dismayed at the news, but she soon found her focus again when the Colonel started talking about why we were there.

It was amazing to see Lindsay figuratively run circles around Nick's dad with her logical retorts to his open skepticism and it got to the point where I thought it may all just backfire, a point where I was almost certain Mr Andopolis would simply say 'fuck it' and send Nick off to the army anyway just to spite the girl who was probably putting a pretty good dent in his masculine mentality. Try as I may, I couldn't even get a word in edgewise or attempt to be a mediator, as neither one of them would give me the time of day to make a noteworthy comment. As I paid closer attention, though, I realize that Mr. Andopolis was listening to what Lindsay was saying and not simply shrugging it off. She presented herself as the young, highly intelligent person that she was and he eventually gave her the benefit of the doubt, even if it was in a deliberately self-righteous way. It wasn't the prettiest debate I had ever witnessed Lindsay enter into, but she was victorious and Nick got his (very) last chance to prove he could apply himself to school.

Sadly, I didn't know whether to feel relieved or terrified at what the victory meant and the possible consequences that could follow. I entered into the whole thing with the slight fear of losing a few years of my life to the army, because I knew I could always apply for West Point Military Academy if I was indeed doomed to enter the service. They had a descent football program... even if chances were slim that an exception would be granted to pursue an NFL opportunity and their acceptance rate was only between ten and twenty percent. Honestly, I didn't even want to think of such a future. I only slightly calmed myself by reasoning that I could just be a complete piece of shit and back out if Nick crumbled. Things seemed so much simpler before I entered into that conversation with Lindsay.

I asked her if she wanted to wait for a bit to see if Nick would come home from practice, but she was insistent upon returning home as soon as possible. Again the girl was sending out crossed signals because, while she wanted to look as if she showed no interest in seeing him, she couldn't stop smiling when his name came up and she would go into this little daze. Was she into Andopolis again? Did she meet some other guy named Nick? I was bad enough at analyzing my best friend's behavior... there was no way I was gonna try with Lindsay.

When we pulled into her driveway we both took notice of my Dodge Challenger parked on the side of the road with Kim leaning against it and smoking a cigarette. I parked in the garage and made my way back to where she was. A quick flip of the smoke into the storm drain and she immediately squeezed my ribs in a fierce hug. Before she buried her face in my shirt I could see that her makeup was smeared and her eyes were very red and puffy. Something or someone had gotten to her in a bad way.

"Hhheeey," my voice wavered, becoming all at once consumed with emotion that I had no idea how to control. Seeing her like that put me into an instant world of hurt and all I wanted to do was make sure she would be okay. "Hey, what's wrong? What's got you so upset?"

She didn't reply and instead just began to sob into my shirt. It was an extremely rare show of vulnerability from someone who, by all accounts, was the toughest of tough girls at our school, a girl who would throw a punch at you before she would break down.

Lindsay had followed behind me. I hadn't even noticed until she shifted uncomfortably and her long, stretched shadow crept right by us. She took a few steps back and mentioned that she was going to give us a little space and went inside the house.

Kim's crying stopped after a minute or two and she turned her head to the side but still kept it practically buried in my chest. I stood there with her in silence while she took whatever time she needed to collect herself. With one arm wrapped firmly around her I gently rubbed her back with my other.

Before long, she pulled back a little and looked up at me. "Are we bad people?" she asked in a hushed tone. The level of seriousness in her voice was so strong that it stopped me dead in my tracks as I began to wipe away the messy makeup.

The question was not one that I was expecting, not in a million years, but I knew the answer right off the bat and answered immediately. "Bad people? No, not at all. What made you think that?"

"When I was talking to Daniel, I just wanted to get it all out there, y'know?"

I nodded, giving up on my attempt to fix the makeup situation when I noticed I was only making it worse than it already was.

"Well, I told him about the first time we kissed and he just lost it right away. He went on this tirade that made me feel horrible, but maybe... maybe we're supposed to feel horrible about it."

"What?" I asked, a touch of stupefaction added to my already overflowing cup of emotions. "He already knew about that. He worked it out himself. We can't be bad people for that; you guys were broken up for crying out loud!"

A look of pain shot across her face as she grimaced and shook her head, "No, not the second time; the first time."

Her words did little to relieve my confusion. "The second time? I thought that was in the school bathroom..."

She shot me a look like I was half-crazy. "What? Look, I know we said we would forget about the first time, but since we're at this point now there really is no reason anymore."

None of this made any sense to me. How the hell could I have completely forgotten about something like that?

"I'm..." I sighed, already feeling rotten about what I was going to say. "I'm sorry, but I- I think I need a refresher here..."

There was that look again and I was really starting to feel self-conscious.

"You know what? Just... fuck it. Just forget about it, Donovan."

"No, hey, I-"

An obviously offended Kim pulled away from me and began wiping at her eyes. There was a dissatisfied 'ugh' from her when he looked at her eye shadow-stained hands. "I've gotta clean up... and say hi to Lindsay."

"Kim..." I tried again, but she ignored me and made her way inside the house. If what I just experienced was what was going to take the place of her 'exploding' on me when she became angry than I would really rather just have had the former. The passive-aggressive-disregarding-you stuff was even worse as far as I was concerned. I was left truly feeling like a bad person.