Her head pressed against the pebbled plastic of the shower wall and hot water streamed over her head and down her back. She ached all over, her head throbbed. She had hoped the hot water would relax her muscles and stop the tension headache which the painkiller hadn't touched. Something wet and cool touched her stomach and she glanced down to check what it was. Small puddles of milk speckled the obscene bulge of her stomach. Her breasts were grotesque, swollen and covered with stretch mark and white droplets formed at the tips. Tears clouded her vision and a knot formed in her gut. She had the body of a mother, but she had no child. She was the very definition of failure.

She slid to the floor of the cubicle, sobs wracking her body. Tears ran unchecked down her cheeks as she curled on the floor and let her grief run free. She cried until her body forced her to stop. The knot in her stomach loosened, leaving a hollow instead. Her throat ached and snot and tears ran from her nose. She could feel her limbs shaking. Her body was weak and useless, it disgusted her.

"Gillian" Spock's smooth baritone voice came from the other side of the door. "Are you alright?"

"I'll never be alright again," Gillian wanted to say but she couldn't force the words through the lump in her throat. She wondered what he was doing here. She had sent him off to work this morning. He had been driving her insane, hanging around the hospital, watching her for the last three days. Now she was home again, she had wanted some privacy. It upset him when she cried, she could tell.

How long had she been crying in the bathroom? Long enough for him to become concerned and either teleport or shuttle down from the Enterprise. The tears had worked; her pain had vanished, replaced by a numb sensation. She pulled herself to her feet and turned the dial to the sonic setting, ignoring Spock's repeated queries. She couldn't deal with him now.

She drew the brush through her hair, smoothing the tangles then pulled it tight into a ponytail. Then slowly, she dressed in a loose workout outfit. Almost nothing else she owned fit her, she was too fat for her normal clothes, those Spock hadn't recycled, and too thin for her maternity clothes, she would have to shop.

She examined herself in the mirror whilst bracing herself to enter the living area. The image confirmed what she knew, she looked horrible. Dark circles round her eyes, which were now red from crying, her face was puffy from residual hormones, her hair, usually her crowning glory scraped back in a ponytail, exposing her naked face. The dark jacket was unflattering to her complexion. She reconsidered, she should make an effort and pretty herself up. In the end, it proved too much effort and she opened the door without changing anything.

Spock almost fell in the door on top of her, he was so anxious. If he'd been human, he would have. She stood in the doorway, waiting while he rebalanced himself and stood back. "Gillian, I was concerned when you didn't answer my calls." She pushed past him, without speaking. Nothing she could think of to say felt like it was worth the effort. He could see she had been in the shower. She tried to remember what her plan had been after the shower. Nothing came to mind, so she sank into the plush cushions on the couch. Spock stared at her. "Gillian, you were to meet me for lunch. It is one o'clock."

Guilt surged through her, mingled with surprise. All she'd done this morning was shower. She looked at him wide eyed. "I didn't realise the time," she whispered.

His gaze softened and he reached for her fingers. "Have you eaten at all today?" He managed a neutral tone with no censure. She shook her head. "Did you drink anything?" another head shake. No wonder she had a head ache. She braced herself for his lecture, but instead, he fetched a glass of water which he held to her lips while she drank. Then, he stripped the messy blood stained bedclothes, dumped them in the shower cubicle and remade it with fresh sheets. A chime at the door interrupted her second glass of water. It proved to be home delivered pizza. "Doctoring not paying well these days, Leonard?"

"A distinct lack of attacks by tentacled aliens in Space Dock," he said, ignoring the fact he was a psychiatrist. She gave him a wan smile. The dinner went better than she expected. Spock, so concerned about proper behaviour in public, sat on the couch beside her and hand fed her the pizza while Leonard kept up a light chatter about current events and gossip which covered the awkward silence between Gillian and Spock. Not that Gillian had a good answer to the 'what have you been doing' question. Afterwards, he left with a quiet 'my condolences' and a peck to her cheek as he left, escorted by Spock. She lay on the couch, disinclined to get up.

Spock followed McCoy up the hallway. "Can you help her, Doctor?"

McCoy stopped and faced the Vulcan. The scene in the apartment had unsettled him. "Don't you want to get back to the Enterprise first for some privacy?" His voice was harsher than he intended. Spock had that effect on him.

"I am not returning to the Enterprise, I will stay with my wife." McCoy was disconcerted.

"No, that's no good. Look, is there a room we can talk in?" Spock nodded and led the way to a plain reception room a short way up the hall. They stood in the centre ignoring the low beige couches.

"You should come back to the Enterprise," he said as Spock locked the door.

"I believe my place is with my wife. My absence disturbs her." Well would wonders never cease, Spock thinking of someone's emotional comfort.

He tried to explain. "Your absence is good for her," Spock cut him off. "It is not, you saw her." He was correct, she had looked terrible. Leonard had never realised how much of her Gillian's beauty was her bubbly vibrant personality.

"She's a human, not a Vulcan. She needs to experience her emotions, work through them. Not suppress them." He expected an argument but did not get it. Spock stood waiting for the rest of the explanation. "When you called you said she had not cried since the first day. She wants to, but she must know it upsets you." It had, Spock had never taken a personal day in his life, much less three. His older sons had been born, and died between missions. "When you're there, she has to keep up a brave face. She can't give in to her emotions. Some people don't cry and that's fine, but Gillian wants to but won't do it in front of you. She had to wait until she was alone."

There was silence and Leonard thought he was going to have to explain further, but Spock inclined his head.

"My mother? Or you?" he suggested in a tentative voice.

"I think she needs to be alone. Isn't your mother off planet?" In any case, Gillian had appeared to be assuring Amanda she was fine the last time he had seen them.

"Yes, there is a crisis in Cardassia."

"She should be fine by herself…"

"She is most undoubtedly not fine, Doctor. I cannot leave her like this. What if she…" They had reached the root of his fear Leonard realised. Spock's fear she would do herself some harm.

"I can authorise Christine to check in on the security feed every hour or so and to stop in if she thinks Gillian needs someone to sit with her. For the next few days" he offered.

Spock considered that, "That would be acceptable. Do you think she will improve so rapidly?"

"This will be the worst few days. Her hormones are settling back to pre-pregnancy levels, she'd be weepy even if she had the baby. You'll have to keep an eye on that next time."

"That will not be necessary, doctor. There will not be a next time," Spock spoke with absolute authority. McCoy thought Spock might be wrong but he didn't argue. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

They walked back to the shuttle, Leonard had beamed down, but since it was not Starfleet business, he had to pay to get back or use the shuttle for free. He decided to use the time to try to help Spock. He didn't have much hope of doing any good, after all these years, he still didn't understand the Vulcan. Liked and respected him, but didn't understand him. Of course, he was coming to the conclusion that Spock didn't quite understand himself. It had taken him years to acknowledge the human part of himself, if not be comfortable with it. These last few years, with Gillian's quiet acceptance, he seemed to acknowledging the Vulcan side as well. He was more rigid than he had been before he died, but at the same time, more at ease with the way he was.

He'd never have predicted those two together. The ego boost he'd gotten from her gushing over his actions during the imprisonment by the Vians had made him think she would pick someone more like him. He'd never tell but Kirk had seen the relationship before he had.

His probing questions found little ground. Spock refused to be drawn until McCoy lost his temper. "I can't believe how cold you are, Spock. Why Gillian picked you I don't know." The response he got surprised him. Spock stared into space a little above McCoy's left ear. "I don't know either. But I will do anything to keep her." There was silence while both men considered the statement. "Did you know doctor, over 80% of marriages fail after the death of a child?" He had known but hadn't considered the fact in relation to Spock and Gillian, they were solid.

"Including term marriages. You two are together forever. The chances are a lot lower for you." He believed with all his heart.

"Just tell me what to do, and I will do it. I did what the book said but it was wrong. She wants me to go to work, not be with her." To work, where Kirk was, McCoy would bet. Kirk had lost his child too, five years before and he was Spock's friend. So was he, he reminded himself.

"How are you coping with your loss?" he asked.

"I am fine, doctor." At McCoy's sceptical look, he amended his statement. "I have Gillian. When she is fine, I will be fine."

Unable to get any more from Spock, McCoy passed him off to Kirk and went to his office to make a call. Christine was full of sympathy and her glance darted to the holo he knew she kept on the desk of her own children, teenagers now.

"I'll go over there and see her,' she promised. "Watching thought the security feed would be weird."