When Aoi hung up, Yusaku wanted nothing more than to call her back.
But...
Please don't, she had said.
So he didn't.
Even though he wanted nothing more than to speak to her just once more, he chose to obey her wishes. He fought the instinctive need to put his desires first because he at the very least wanted to prove to himself that he could provide genuine care for another human being. After tucking away his cellphone in his desk drawer for the evening, he took a quick shower and went to bed - well, he tried to. The reality was that he spent a good half hour tossing and turning, and the next two hours staring blankly up at the ceiling as he fought to shake off waves of baseless rationale predicting how Aoi would respond to seeing him tomorrow morning.
What if she lashed out at him again? What if she cried? What if she was her usual, flippant, Good morning, Fujiki-kun stone face? What if she completely ignored him? Yusaku didn't think that he would be ready for any of those scenarios simply because he wasn't sure he could come face-to-face with her again.
The next morning rolled in, and Yusaku's head was pounding as he walked to school. Ai was quiet for a change, thank goodness. The Ignis concluded that when concerning matters of the heart, Yusaku was best left to his own devices. Not only was the strongest duelist in all of LINK VRAINS confidential about his emotions, but he was long overdue for an intimate self-examination. Ai decided that if there was a good time to leave Yusaku alone, it was now.
Even if he was at a loss on how to navigate his emotions, Yusaku was still setting out on his own journey of personal discovery. It was a normal for him not to get anywhere in the beginning, but the lack of clarity frightened him. However, he was willing to go through with it to shed the stamp of evil that underlined him as heartless.
Surely enough, Yusaku caught sight of Aoi as he turned the corner on his way to his classroom. As the pair usually bumped into each other at this area, neither were surprised to see the other. Nevertheless, the remnants of Aoi's anger from last night seeped into the unsuspecting morning, manifesting as a hard glare as she wordlessly pushed past him.
So now they weren't on Good morning! terms anymore?
Yusaku looked over his shoulder to watch Aoi march away with a furious kick to her step. The prickling urge to chase after her nipped at him, but he fought it. She wanted to be left alone. He had to give her that. Feeding his ego was no longer worth hurting her. It never really was, but he was too concerned about his own self to fathom just how deeply he was burying a jagged knife into her.
I'm done. I don't want to keep doing this to her.
'Yusaku!' Takeru Homura called, seemingly out of nowhere. Yusaku's attention was brought back to the front as his most trusted confidante made his way over. As usual, Takeru's lavender orbs brimmed with excitement. He was always in a good mood, it seemed.
Takeru was, in general, a good person.
Yusaku wished he could be like that.
'Hey.'
'I saw you with Zaizen-san just now.' Takeru blurted, much to Yusaku's chagrin. The unfriendly student quirked a brow. Takeru wasn't beating around the bush today, was he? 'You guys didn't even talk. What was that about? I mean...' he winced. 'She looks...'
The words trailed off and the air between the two men thickened. Of course, Takeru was genuinely worried. Yusaku was his best friend and Aoi was a girl he liked but was trying to get over (Yikes!). Yusaku knew that Takeru's inquisition was free from malice, but he didn't know how to respond appropriately considering that 1) he was all too aware that Takeru liked Aoi and being truthful meant admitting that he and Aoi were cut clean from each other, and 2) he didn't want to delve much into his love life.
'We had a fight.' Yusaku finally said. 'It was my fault.'
'Oh... You didn't apologise?'
'I did. But that's not what she wanted.'
'Then what can you do to fix it?'
Yusaku shrugged in an effort to look less concerned than he actually was. 'She told me to leave her alone. So that's what I'll be doing from now on.'
'Oh...' Takeru averted his gaze. It was obvious that he was unsatisfied with his friend's response. He flame-themed duelist contemplated dropping the subject, but his brave soul deemed it more helpful if he steamrolled through the hard topics. 'Don't you want to mend your issues with her though? Isn't that why you keep sending her flowers?'
Yusaku's gut twisted. 'How do you know about that?'
'I spoke to her yesterday.' he paused. Then, 'Up until our conversation, she thought that I was the one sending them.'
Yusaku scoffed bitterly. 'That's why she kept accepting them. Now that she knows, I bet she's thrown them all away.'
Takeru frowned. 'Was she upset that you were sending her flowers?'
'Kind of. Not really.'
'Then...?'
'My persistence irritates her.' Yusaku explained as his eyes narrowed sadly. His companion saw the unmistakable, rare emotion adding vibrance to already intense emerald orbs. Somehow, the blast of sentiment in Yusaku's hardened features made him appear beautifully human. 'I wasn't there for when she wanted me, or when she needed my care the most. Now that the dust has settled, she refuses to let me into her life. I don't blame her. I...' he cleared his throat. 'Well, there's nothing I can do now.'
But Takeru was not about to let go of the conversation. 'I don't get it. I've known for a while that you like her... So what do you mean you weren't there for her when she wanted you? You wanted her back.'
'I pushed her away.'
'Yusaku...' Takeru sighed. 'You've got to stop doing that.'
'I'm not like you.' Yusaku's tone turned defensive and slightly envious. 'Takeru, you effectively dealt with your trauma. I thought getting revenge would help me do that, but I still have a hard time connecting to people.'
'We're friends though, aren't we?'
'But she didn't want to be friends. She wanted to be in love, and I just... It's like...' Yusaku wracked his brain for the right words. 'It's as if I was afraid of letting her in because she would hurt me. And when she didn't back off, I was even more frightened, and...' he inhaled sharply. 'I wish I was a good person.'
'You're the best guy I've ever met.' Takeru replied sincerely. 'It's normal to have fights with girls. What man can honestly say that he's never had an argument with his girlfriend?'
Yusaku shook his head. 'You just don't know.'
After that, Yusaku walked to class. Takeru decided that it was best if he make his way to his classroom as well, although he had a million questions burning at the back of his mind. He made a mental note to ask Yusaku about them later. Seeing as the overly private student had opened up just now, Takeru was confident that he could continue this discussion.
But when the two men met up for lunch at their usual bench, Yusaku was deathly quiet. It was obvious that he was deep in thought, and Takeru dare not interrupt. The pair parted ways to go to their respective lessons, but both of their minds were elsewhere. Yusaku couldn't shake Aoi out of his head, and Takeru couldn't stop wondering how he could get them to make up. In his heart, Takeru held deep care for both of his friends - he only wanted them to be happy, and he couldn't for the life of him understand why they just couldn't get together if they both had feelings for each other.
He didn't have the full story, but Yusaku wasn't about to give it to him.
The morning set the clock of the next day, and Yusaku awoke with an excruciatingly painful back. He groaned when he rolled out of bed. As he stood, his head dizzied. He felt sick, but he had no external symptoms of illness such as a fever or runny nose. While he wouldn't admit it to anyone, he wondered himself if his nerves were truly damaged or if the pain he experienced periodically was psychologically induced.
'Playmaker-sama.' Ai teased from the desk. 'Your back hurting again?'
'Be quiet.'
He quickly showered and dressed before heading to school. The pain was now radiating to his thighs, but he clenched his teeth and continued with his trek. Now that he and Aoi had fallen apart disastrously, he knew that this ache would only worsen. There was no point whining about it. He might as well get used to it. Despite his condition, his pace when climbing the stairs to his classroom was faster than normal.
The reason?
He didn't want to bump into Aoi.
She wanted him to disappear from her sight, and he was going to honour that.
The rest of the day came and went uneventfully. Takeru didn't bring up their conversation from yesterday, which Yusaku appreciated. Then again, when he gave it more thought, Yusaku knew that if Takeru insisted on bringing up the topic that they would get into a disagreement. That was something Yusaku had to face about himself: he was placated so long as his boundaries were respect, but he had to ask himself who branded him king to create those limits in the first place?
Aoi wasn't like Takeru or Kusanagi-san. She didn't want to be a friend, she wanted to be loved and to love without restraint. She didn't want to be shackled by boundaries, and yet Yusaku tried to enforce them on her anyway.
It was the biggest crime he had ever committed.
Aoi was so beautiful, and beautifully unpredictable. For Yusaku to try and cage her was cruelty to the nth degree.
The entire week was spent avoiding her.
He purposely timed himself so that he wouldn't see her during moments in the day when he normally would. Surprisingly, he was successful. It was almost suspect how good he was at avoiding her. As the days passed, his pain grew. It had gotten to the point where sleep was impossible. Even Ai could no longer poke fun at its master, who was suffering intensely.
Even the weekend was tortuous.
On Sunday, he assisted Shoichi with selling hot dogs from the truck. He tried his best (which wasn't very good) to grill the links of meat without making a show out of his backache, but Shoichi still noticed the hitch in his junior's movements.
'Hey...' the older man spoke. 'What's wrong?'
'Nothing.'
'Ai.' Shoichi turned his attention to the Ignis perched on top of the ice cream machine. 'Care to explain?'
'Trouble in paradise.' Ai squeaked. 'Cutie wasn't so cute to him last week.'
'Meaning?'
'It's nothing, Kusanagi-san.' he sighed. 'I'm fine.'
'You don't look fine.' the vendor frowned. 'You're clearly unwell.'
'I'm fine. Really.'
And that was that. Yusaku went back to his mediocre cooking, and Shoichi watched him in silence. There was no point trying to reason with Yusaku. No matter what, he wasn't going to open up. Shoichi wasn't about to push the envelope and press for more information either. He knew his place in Yusaku's life and dare not overstep the clear lines of what he was permitted to do.
Aoi remained the only one who ignored all boundaries.
Yusaku grit his teeth.
Why was he thinking about her again?
Get out of my head. Get out of my head, get out of my head...
It was impossible.
Suddenly, he swatted his left wrist. He felt a tinge of sharpness just then, as if he had been bitten by a mosquito. However, when he checked the area that he hit, no bite marks or swelling akin of insect bites could be seen.
But now it was just so itchy.
A couple of weeks passed. Yusaku didn't hear from Aoi, nor did he see her on campus. He didn't give it much thought other than they were both probably doing a fantastic job of mutually avoiding each other. He hoped that not physically seeing her would ease his increasingly uncomfortable muscle spasms, but the effect was the opposite. Being deprived of Aoi only inflamed his desire to see her again until he was itchy and sore beneath his skin. Particularly, his left wrist and the entirety of his chest was scratched up from his own nails.
It was like a curse.
The more he thought about Aoi, the greater the urge to dig into his own skin. He wasn't doing it on purpose. He genuinely could feel the mild, irritating burn begin its onslaught, until it was so intense that he could no longer hold himself back. Scratching his flesh was the only way to get relief. Ignoring his symptoms had proven futile.
Thankfully, he eventually acquired some means of distraction.
It was finally the week before the semester's end and he was always up late at night studying. Though he didn't place much importance on his studies on an intrinsic level, he wanted to do well so that the teachers wouldn't bat an eye whenever he took a nap during lectures. Furthermore, he saw no harm in expanding his knowledge outside of technology and computer programming. It gave him something to do other than pine over a girl who wanted nothing to do with him.
But it wasn't enough.
Nothing was ever enough.
'She's gone.' Takeru randomly declared one day during lunch.
'Huh?' Yusaku's heart twisted sickeningly. 'What?'
'I said, she's gone.'
'Who?'
'Zaizen-san. She left Den City.'
Yusaku felt like he had taken a hard punch to the chest. His heart must have stopped momentarily, for the sensation of his soul leaving his body was all too real. The entirety of his being went numb.
'What do you mean?'
'She didn't show up this week at all.' Takeru explained. There was a tinge of sadness in his voice. 'She didn't tell anyone. I tried calling her, but she didn't pick up. Shima-kun said that she had taken her exams early so she didn't need to come to school. I went by her place to see if she was home, but the receptionist said that the Zaizen family had gone out of town.'
'Oh... I see.'
Try as he might to remain composed, Yusaku was bursting inside.
Aoi was gone.
There was no chance of fixing their broken relationship.
That was when reality had truly begun to sink in. Dark, unmistakable depression creased Yusaku's face as bags under his eyes and tightly knit brows. He felt rejected in the harshest way. Aoi left him. She abandoned him all alone in the same abyss she claimed she wanted to pull him out from. What he loved about her was that she would always try to care for him despite his protests. She never gave up on him, and that was why he felt a close bond with her.
But now, she was gone.
Could he blame her? After treating her like shit, it was easy to see why she would turn her back on him. The only surprising fact about the situation was that she hadn't done it sooner. Even so, Yusaku couldn't help but wonder... Where had she gone? What was she doing? Was she safe? Was she thinking about him? How was she coping with her miscarriage? Was she in pain?
Did she hate him?
Yusaku never got an answer.
The last day of class had finally arrived. Yusaku was confident that he performed well in his exams despite his deteriorating body hampering his efforts. It was hard to concentrate on academic work when he couldn't get a good night's sleep. His late nights were a product of his incessant itching and debilitating backaches. Nevertheless, he wasn't to defeat his own purpose. He was proud of his performance in his work. He didn't once have to guess an answer, and he found the questions to be straight-forward. Either he knew it or he didn't.
Except, he wasn't Playmaker if he didn't know all the answers.
He knew them all except the one in his head, the one carved into his skull with invisible ink - the words he could read every time he shut his eyes.
Did Aoi hate him?
She really wasn't at school all week. It was just as Takeru said - she had gone on vacation and sat her exams early. Yusaku confirmed this story from Naoki Shima, who flashed a mischievous grin when approached by his mysterious classmate.
'Eh? Fujiki, you don't keep tabs on your own girlfriend?' Naoki had laughed.
'She's not my girlfriend.'
'Right.'
Later that day when the school officially closed its gates for the summer, Yusaku and Takeru walked over to Shoichi's hot dog truck at the Viewing Plaza. They were going to celebrate the end of an academic year. Apparently, Shoichi connived with the Ignises to host a mini-party for the duelists. Ai and Flame convinced their masters to pay Shoichi a visit, while the salesman was busy adding the final touches to a casual after-school buffet of sausages and fries. This time, however, Shoichi stepped his food preparation up a notch.
Usually, he served ketchup and mustard as condiments to his hot dogs.
Today was special, so it was the perfect opportunity to bring out the honey mustard.
'Thank you!' Takeru beamed when the banquet was revealed outside the truck, on a nearby bench. 'Looks good!'
'Thank you, Kusanagi-san.' Yusaku couldn't help but offer a small smile. His heart was breaking inside, but he tried to remind himself that he at the very least had comrades like the two men before him. It eased his pain just a little.
'You didn't have go through all this trouble.' Takeru added. 'We should at least have brought soda so you wouldn't concern yourself over drinks!'
'See?' Shoichi laughed. 'This is exactly why I like taking care of this stuff myself. Everyone knows that coffee's a way better partner for hot dogs. Here...' he picked one up and handed it to Yusaku. 'Don't be shy! Take it!'
'Ah...' Yusaku offered a small smile. 'Thanks.'
As he reached out to take out, Shoichi's eyes widened and he gasped, 'Yusaku! Your wrist...!'
'What?' Takeru chimed in. His attention fell to his friend's wrist and he, too, cried out, 'Whoa! What happened?!'
Yusaku, started by the sudden shift of attention to himself, withdrew his hand. Well, he couldn't blame his companions for noticing it. By now, he had scratched the surface nearly clean off, exposing the sensitive, pale-pink layer beneath. He tried to cover it up with some bandaids, but he was constantly bleeding as he kept reopening his wounds with his persistent scratching. The blood vessels around where he attacked himself were popping as well, dotting the untouched parts of him with angry-looking red splotches.
'It's nothing.' Yusaku brushed the concerns off. 'I'm fine.'
'Sure you are.' Ai quipped. 'It's not like you haven't been eating, sleeping, or brushing your hair.'
'Please tell me that was sarcasm.' Flame groaned. 'Because Yusaku has definitely not been brushing his hair.' it sneered, leering at the messy man on the aforementioned human's head.
'Yusaku, you're sick and you should go to the doctor.' Shoichi put his foot down. This was ridiculous. It was a well-known fact that Yusaku wasn't the best at taking care of himself, but this was just beyond the point of being reasonable. 'I'll take you there myself.'
'What, are you going to strap me down and force me to go?' Yusaku scoffed. 'I'm fine. Don't concern yourself with me.'
Shoichi and Takeru exchanged glances.
Neither dare cross Yusaku's boundaries.
The midsummer heat was close to unbearable.
Yusaku was scorching hot, to the point wherein he had been reduced to a limp mess on his bed. He was wearing even fewer clothes than he liked: just a white t-shirt and blue jeans. His back was killing him, Takeru and the Ignises were chattering away at high volume, and he had scratched his chest and left arm raw. It wasn't a good day. Not at all.
'Oh, yeah!' Takeru turned his attention to Yusaku. He reached into his messenger bag to take out a tube of medical-grade cream. Then, he sat himself on the mattress so that he could hand the goods over to his comrade. 'I brought you some ointment.' he continued. 'It'll help with the wounds.'
'Thanks.' Yusaku grumbled and took the tube. He applied it over his arm first, wincing at the sting. But at this point, he was willing to try anything to relieve himself of this mysterious illness.
'So...' Takeru cleared his throat. 'I spoke to Zaizen-san today.'
Yusaku sat up abruptly, as if burnt by those words. 'What? When?'
'This morning. I called her, and by some miracle, she picked up.'
'Where is she? Is she OK?' he paused. 'Is she coming to school next month?'
'Yeah. She's coming back. And she's doing well. She's in Kyoto with her brother. Apparently, he's on his phone a lot so Zaizen-san gets a lot of time to herself.' Takeru laughed in fond recollection of his conversation with Aoi. 'She sounds more relaxed somehow.' he inhaled deeply. 'She asked about you.'
Yusaku's cold, green gaze softened.
'I lied. I said you were fine.' Takeru continued. 'And she said that she was glad.'
'I see...' Yusaku choked. 'Did she say anything more?'
'Yeah. She said that she was thinking about you a lot.'
Yusaku couldn't speak. Emotion had taken its toll on his ability to form words. His eyes watered with sentimentality, but he never cried. He wasn't going to start now, no matter how shaken his broken heart was. He swallowed a hard lump at his throat and willed himself to remain composed.
'She said that she wanted you to be happy.' Takeru revealed. 'And that she was hurt when she realised that she could never give you that feeling, but that she wanted you to have it. She said that one day, you would learn to smile more often.'
'Ah...'
'So by the time school starts...' he nudged Yusaku. 'You better have your shit together.'
Yusaku shut his eyes and exhaled slowly.
'Don't let her see you like this, Yusaku.'
Yusaku nodded.
It was over.
He and Aoi had closed their chapter together. There was no bitterness on either end, but there was no hope of falling in love at their next reunion either. Or perhaps, ever. Aoi wanted nothing to do with him, but she also wanted him to live a full life free from the trauma that prevented him from loving her in the way she deserved. He hated himself for making Aoi feel like she was incapable of making him happy, but there was nothing he could do to take his sins back. He was paying for them now with his endless thoughts on their failed relationship.
But Aoi shouldn't have to pay for it anymore. He didn't want to make her upset or sad. Or guilty when she'd see his current state. He couldn't do that to her. Even though she had been cold to him, her shamelessly caring nature preceded her emotions.
He was going to take care of himself.
Yusaku vowed to never give Aoi a reason to cry ever again.
Thank you to everyone encouraging me throughout this story. I cannot thank you enough for the support! Aoi will be back next chapter, and her relationship with all of the characters will be quite different considering that she had time away from them. I'm excited to begin the next arc of this story and I hope that you enjoy it!
I also wanted to publicly thank Leechan1993 and Ghostkid33 for always compelling me to consider different approaches to exploring the VRAINS characters. Without their help, this story would have turned out differently... and for the worse!
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Aniki, thank you so much for your reviews and continued support! I truly have missed your insight on the chapters, but I'm glad that I'm now able to enjoy your commentary again. Thank you again for your constant encouragement.
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Yujo0147, thank you so much for your continued encouragement! I hope you're feeling better and I'm glad to hear from you at all.
