Chapter 36

I went to the mall of all places. Not knowing what to do with myself. Caitlyn was at day-camp today and Jake was busy with Bill. They do a lot of stuff together whenever my dad is home from work long enough. I don't know what they do but once they went fishing. Once they went to the park. Once they went to the library. They go all over the place.

I sat in the food court and got some ice cream. Jess-ee-cah was working, I was originally there for moral support but Jacob had called in sick so she was manning the Pretzel Shack alongside sweaty smelly Tom who I thought looked like Thomas, but then again all pigs look the same to me.

There were people all walking around. Mothers with their little kids all eating fast food and a few indie-rock looking couples eating vegan food next to me. Everyone was so wrapped up in themselves, I wondered if someone watched me and Paul like I am watching everyone else. I bet they do. Just look at us and think about that person in high school they dated.

But that depressed me a little so I looked at my melting cup of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food and decided to give up. I wasn't in the mood. I wasn't hungry and all I wanted to do was listen to the Smashing Pumpkins- which was a completely random and out of the blur feeling.

I got up walking past the indie-rock couple who were smiling eating tofu-whatever. I threw away my ice cream and kept walking. I felt so wallflower-esque I thought I might just turn into a strip of wallpaper and just watch everyone.

I went down the escalators and started walking towards Section Q, when the CD store Bennett worked at caught my eye. I could see if he was working. But then again, I could see if they had any Smashing Pumpkins in the used CD section- or else I'd have to wait until Thursday to borrow it from Paul.

The store always blasts random music. I never know who makes these play-lists but it's pretty good. At least it isn't what's-her-face and her new hit single. I looked at the register which was manned by a kid named Robbie who was pretty annoying. I figured I could still look in the used CD section.

I walked past the vinyl section. In the back is where they keep all the used CDs. They all have bright yellow stickers on them that say 'USED' in case you weren't aware it was the USED section.

The 'S' section was pretty big. I started going through it. Sigur Rus. Sufjan Stevens. They were all mixed together. I didn't know any of them. Sunday Drive. I knew that one. I picked it up and look at it. It was five bucks, which was a good deal I guess. I took it and went on flipping. I came out Smashing Pumpkin-less. Which was a little disappointing.

"Rainie," I turned and it was Bennett. He was walking towards me. A stack of newly yellow-sticker-ed CDs. "Hey."

"Hi," I said.

"What are you doing?" He asked. He looked at the CD in my hand.

I shrugged. "I'm getting to be pretty broke," I said. "So I can't really afford full-priced CDs."

He smiled a little. He put the stack down on the 'X' 'Y' and 'Z' section that was barely anything at all. "I see," He said. He started sorting them. "Sunday Drive?" He looked at it. "Love that record."

I nodded. "I know," I said. "It's pretty cheap. I figured why not."

"What are you looking for?" He asked. Still sorting not looking at me. I watched his hands. They were so familiar to sorting CDs it was like Paul folding sweaters.

"Nothing," I said. I was a little embarrassed because he of all people knew I'm not an original Smashing Pumpkins fan. I only liked them because of Paul.

"Is it something embarrassing?" He asked. "Do I not want to ask?"

"No," I said. "I was just looking."

"Nobody like you just browses." He said. "Do you even have a stereo?"

I looked at him. "I may not have a record player at home," I said. "But give me some credit. Yes, I do have a stereo at home."

He laughed. "Then just tell me." He said. "I can help you."

I looked back at the sections of CDs. "Smashing Pumpkins," I mumbled. I could hear him smirking. I looked at him ready to warn him to not break out into a Rainie-Joseph-and-Paul-Spinella-are-in-love lecture. I've had too many.

"Really?" He said. He dug through his stack. Surely enough he handed me 'Siamese Dream' like it was no big deal. This had a big crack in it so it was only three bucks.

"Thanks," I said looking at it. "Rough shape though."

He shrugged looking at it. "You can switch the covers around no problem." He said. "It isn't a big deal. Rob always marks those way down for some reason."

I nodded. Taking it and my Sunday Drive CD. "You're pretty good at working here," I said. "I have to admit."

He smiled sticking in about seven CDs into the 'T' section. "Thanks," He said. "Why don't you get a job if you're broke?"

I paused. "I don't know," I said. "They're all too boring."

He smiled sticking another clump into the 'S' section. He stepped around me putting the rest into all different sections in the beginning of the alphabet. "I think that's just and excuse." He said. "If you had a job you could buy your boyfriend un-used CDs."

"These are for me actually." I said. "Paul has all of them already."

He looked at me. "Really?" He said. He put the last CD into the 'O' section. He looked back seeing a misplaced CD. He took it putting it where it belonged. That's when I saw it. I fought it. But it was right there. I reached out and took it. Oasis.

He looked at it. Peaking down and seeing it. "What's that?" He asked.

"Oasis," I said.

"Don't they sing that song 'Wonderwall'?" He asked his eyebrows furrowed.

I nodded. Whenever I hear that song I always think about Paul. That epic day in IHOP when we decided the next song that played would be our song. Which is what I guess a song like that must do to everyone. "Yup," I said.

"And isn't that one of those records you bought Paul way back when on the old one-month?" He asked.

I sighed. "Yep." I said. "What are you getting at?"

He smiled like he had something good to say but was just holding it in to make me want to hear it more. "Someone's missing a certain someone else." He said in a sing song voice.

I tried not to smile. I finally let myself smile and I shook my head. "So what if I am?" I said.

"Nothing," He said. He started walking away. But I followed. He went behind the counter and I went up to his register. He took my CDs and rang them up.

"Where's this party tonight?" I asked.

"It's like 11 Philadelphia Road," He said. "It's right near Route 27. You won't miss it though." He took my money and then pretty a few buttons and I got some discount. I didn't know what it was. I just hoped it wasn't stealing. He gave me back my change and put my CDs into a bag.

That guy Robbie checked me out. It was really obvious and he didn't seem to care. I took my CDs. "See you tonight," I said smiling.

"See you, Mrs. Spinella." He smiled back.

I sipped my beer. I felt weird in line for the keg. Not only that I felt weird having the guy at the keg hitting on me and I just smiled and took my beer and walked away. It's been so long since I went solo to a party. I knew some people, but without Paul something just didn't seem right.

"Rain-ie Jo-seph!"

I turned and it was this boy Jonah. I think that's his name. He was a little drunk. "What are you doing here?" He asked smiling. He was walking over to me.

"Hi," I said. He didn't stop walking he hugged me. I moved my arm out so I didn't dump all of my beer on his back or something. He squeezed me and then moved away.

"Wow," He said grinning. "I haven't seen you without that boyfriend of yours in months!"

I smiled a little. "He's on vacation right now." I said.

The kid's eyebrows went up. "And he left you here all alone?" He asked. "What kind of guy is that?" Yes, this was defiantly that kid Jonah. I remembered how he always acted like this as a joke.

I smiled. "Oh well," I said.

"Are you here to hear Bennett play?" He asked.

I nodded. "Yeah," I said. "Do you know when he does?"

Jonah whipped out his cell phone. "Like five minutes," He said. "Ah, shit, I had to help him like a half hour ago. I'll see you downstairs." He walked away. Slipping into the crowd. I figured I could go downstairs anyway. He'd play any minute.

I met Bennett at a party he played. I had thought he was cute, because Bennett was pretty cute and everything. But I didn't know him. So we just started talking- this was when I was dating that kid Kenny- and we sort of got to know each other. I used to like him until we sort of just became more friends than having any chance of becoming more than that.

But I stood to the side crossing my arm over my chest and sipping my beer watching him set up. He had a microphone set on low probably and a guitar. He was nodding talking to Jonah and this short chubby kid I remembered meeting with Paul a few times. His name was Aaron.

Then he started playing. A lot of people listened because of how good he is. He's amazing. He's so good at singing and he writes all of his own songs. He does covers of songs he likes too. Sunday Drive and stuff like that. But he sort of caught me off-guard.

He put a capo on his acoustic guitar. Paul is the only reason I know what a capo is. It's that clamp-y thing that holds down all the strings so it sounds cooler. That's not the straight form the book definition but it's close enough for me. And it makes chords easier. Then he started playing.

I would know it anywhere. I was listening to it all afternoon. He was playing 'Wonderwall' and weirdly enough it sounded so similar. I didn't think he knew I was there but he kept playing singing with his eyes closed tight. He was amazing at it, but it made me miss Paul. And it made me feel sick inside because I was here at a party just to see Bennett of all people.

I told myself this was okay. And I think I started listening to myself because when Bennett finished playing 'Wonderwall' I didn't feel a sick feeling in my stomach anymore.

I was on the back porch drinking beer and I heard the door slid open and shut. I turned and it was Bennett. "Hi," He said.

"Hi," I said.

"What's up?" He came over taking out a cigarette. He lit it and took in a drag. "Want one?" He asked blowing out a trail of smoke. I've never had a cigarette before in my life. But I knew what it felt like to smoke.

"Can I just have one drag?" I asked.

He passed it to me. I inhaled the smoke. It was really calm sinking down into my stomach and forming a warm cloud of smoke in my gut. I exhaled and it slipped out making me feel cold inside. But I passed it back to Bennett and he kept smoking. "You were so good tonight," I said.

"Thanks," He said. "I didn't see you."

"I was off to the side." I said. "But I liked your cover of 'Wonderwall'."

He smiled a little. "I listened to it this afternoon." He said. "It was pretty easy to figure out. Chords were simple anyways."

I nodded. I looked out into the darkness. "That's me and Paul's song." I said. I never told anyone that. I had a feeling he never told anyone either. It was just in between us. But I told Bennett for some reason. It seemed appropriate and even if it's not a big secret there's always a part of you that wants to tell someone.

He nodded. He was quiet. "It's okay if you miss him Rainie." He said. "The guy isn't dead, but it's not a big deal if you miss him."

I shrugged. "It's only been like half a week though and I miss him so much." I said.

Bennett shrugged. "So what?" He said.

"I don't know." I said. "I have no idea what I'm doing right now anyways."

He laughed a little. He smoked and I took in the secondhand smoke. We were quiet. I looked at him. "You seem to know a lot about relationships." I said.

He shrugged. "I just know what it's like to like someone a lot." He said.

I looked at him. "Who do you like?" I asked smiling.

He looked at me. "I'm not telling you." He said.

"Why not?"

"Because it's a personal thing and it's complicated." He said.

I rolled my eyes. "What makes it so complicated?" Everyone makes up that excuse. Whose simple anymore? Everyone can easily say something complicated but we still go so far to try and explain it.

He was quiet. "Because she doesn't like me back. She's in love with someone else."

I looked at him suddenly. I felt bad. "I'm sorry," I said. He looked at me. He shrugged.

"Whatever," He said. "It doesn't hurt so much anymore. I'm moving on."

I pause looking at him. I felt bad. He was my friend. I hugged him. And he hugged me back. I knew rumors would start, but I was convinced there was no way in hell I'd ever cheat on Paul. Especially not with Bennett he was like a brother to me.

I felt better about missing Paul so much. I went home and took Anna's CD player and crawled into bed. I opened my smashed Smashing Pumpkins CD and took out the disk putting it into the CD player. I fell asleep during Mayonnaise and woke up to a loud sudden crash of symbols and music.

Why can't time go faster when we need it to?

A/N: Predictions? Why do I ask when half of you read this before? HAH! Because so many changes are going to happen, you won't have any idea what's going on almost. I feel so strange it's been so long. I've been so blocked lately/super stressed and what not. Next chapter Paul's coming home. What do you think? How has Rainie changed from the beginning of the story? Did you like Jonah's guess appearance?

Review please XD