Fair warning; there's triggering issues coming up. Her take on her symptoms mirror mine (can't cop someone else's feelings/experiences) so if you don't agree, that's why. We're two different people. Hopefully you'll continue to read and if you want, give your take on the situation.
Enjoy and review!
NJPNJPNJP
Marcy's eyelashes fluttered before separating. She looked around blearily and realized she was in her room. "What's going on?"
"Be careful." Mal was at her side. He adjusted the wet towel on her forehead. "You fainted."
"I don't do that." She tried to sit up but he wouldn't let her.
"You've fainted plenty of times."
She threw him a glare.
"You need to rest." He ignored it. "Momma Rose told me that you've run out of medicine and haven't been sleeping. You've left the house twice since Rye's been born?"
"She doesn't like being too far from me." She laid still.
"Neither do I but I'm not chaining you to the house."
"Aren't you?" She closed her eyes.
"I deserved that. She told me you haven't even been sleeping up here. That you stay in the den so I can get some sleep. You know that's not fair. You deserve a bed and I need to be helping. We both made her, we both take care of her."
"You were great- the first week."
"I should have been great every week. But we can put that behind us now. I had Mike go get your medicine. You know you need to take it."
"You're a father, not my father."
"Please don't fight me on this. I'm asking you to take your medicine."
She turned away from him.
He sighed and kissed the back of her neck. "The house is clean."
"How?" She turned back and opened her eyes. "Did you-?"
"No, everyone pitched in. I've been up here with you mostly. It doesn't even smell like dog anymore."
"I haven't been able to take them on their walks." She felt bad for neglecting them.
"I walked them. That took up about an hour. They were so happy to be outside that they refused to come anywhere near the building until they felt like it."
She whimpered.
"But they'll get more exercise now. They're fed and asleep now."
"Where?"
He pointed to the end of the bed.
She sat up slowly and crawled to the end of the bed. All three dogs were piled in a heap. She smiled. "My babies. Where are my other babies?"
He got up and went to her. "They're asleep now."
"What time is it?" She looked around. It was dark.
"It's about nine."
"I've been out for six hours?!"
"It's okay." He took her hands. "We have things handled. We fed the twins and gave them baths. Washed their hair and tucked them in. Read them stories and sung them songs. They're out."
"What about Rye? She hasn't been fed in almost eight hours."
"The girls went shopping and got her formula. I know she's used to your breast milk but you needed your rest."
"How was she?" She whispered.
He blinked. "Are you sure that's our kid?"
She smiled. "I'm pretty sure."
"She hates me. I've not held a screaming baby since Maddie. I remember why we did her the way we did. I'm thinking about doing it to Rye."
She giggled. "Stop that."
"She screamed the whole time she was awake and even whimpered in her sleep. She's in her crib now but man, it was a fight."
"She likes to be held until she falls asleep."
"I can't tell! Every time I got near her, she flipped out. She was quieter with Jude and then he left! He had to go back to work."
"I'm sorry you had such a traumatic time with your daughter."
"It's because she doesn't know me. I've been gone most of her life. I swore after the twins, I'd never be away from my children and I abandoned them."
"I know how you feel. About not wanting to miss a moment? When I got them, all I could think of was how I was going to be there for every moment. Now I only see them when they're tearing up something."
He squeezed her hands and let her go. "Are you hungry?"
"Yeah. A little bit."
"Have you been eating? When I carried you up here, you seemed lighter."
"I haven't had time to eat."
"Let's get food in you then I'll run you a bath. Then we'll go to sleep."
"What about your boss? Isn't he angry with you for missing work? I don't want you fired-"
He kissed her. She responded and he wrapped his arms around her and went in deep. They broke apart and stared into each other's eyes. "Screw Antoll."
MMC
Mercedes perked up when Marcy walked into the kitchen the next morning. "How'd you sleep?"
"Uh-? Why are you here?" Marcy looked around her full kitchen.
"We all took the next couple of days off."
"Why?"
"We need to set up a schedule." Quinn said. "Who's going to be with you when?"
"Hmm." She turned on her heel but Mal stopped her from walking out and turned her around again.
"We're not trying to scare you, BT. We just want to make sure you're alright." Artie wheeled over and made her sit on his lap before going back to the table.
"The twins are already dressed and fed." Mercedes promised.
"How was that?" Marcy wanted to know.
"Your kids are Satan." Mike sipped his coffee.
She smiled.
"We took your dogs out, too." Puck offered.
"And how was that?"
"My feet hurt."
"They like outside."
"Eat up, honey." Rose set a plate in front of her. "You need your strength."
"To do what?" Marcy didn't trust this.
"We're doing spa day!" Mercedes did jazz hands.
Marcy blinked at her. "No."
"I know you hate this stuff but you need to relax." Quinn told her. "It'll do you some good to be pampered."
"No."
"Stop being so mistrusting, Twin!" Karou snapped.
"You don't like it either."
"It's not about me or what I like. It's about you and what you need. You need to relax."
"And doing something I don't like doing will relax me?"
"Not when you say it like that!"
Yuria put a hand on her girlfriend's arm and addressed her friend. "There are spa techniques that are sure to relax you. If you don't trust us, we'll take you to a place that has professionals."
"Outside?" Marcy gulped.
"You do want to go outside, don't you?" Mike led. "You can't tell me you don't. You're a nature girl."
"Outside." She whispered.
"Maybe you can let us do some things and we'll ease you into going outside?" Mercedes suggested.
Marcy took a shuddering breath and nodded. "Where are the twins?"
"Watching a video of ours." Mike replied. "It's that Norwegian film we made when we were like what? six?"
"Where's Riley?"
"She's asleep." Quinn answered.
"Still? Did you feed her more formula? How's she taking that?"
"Relax." Rose put a hand on her back and took deep breaths until Marcy mimicked her. "Yes, we took care of her throughout the night. Jr. was great. He was up more than any of us. And yes, she drank the milk."
Marcy narrowed her eyes. "But…?"
"No buts." Rose went to pour her juice.
"Momma."
Rose hated that Marcy saw through her. "It took her a while to realize she wouldn't get any other milk so she threw it up. All that she even ate in the first place. But we've got her trained now. She barely cries when we feed her."
"Why are you torturing my baby? You know I can just pump? I have a breast pump."
They all facepalmed.
MMC
"This is way better than getting a wax." Santana shuffled into the den and plopped onto a couch.
"I've waxed once." Mercedes shook her head. "Never again."
"I'm sorry." The reason behind that, Quinn mumbled.
Santana smirked. "I gotta hear that story."
"Quinn got us an invitation to a slumber party when we were twelve with these girls that wanted to be so grown up. We barely had any hair and they poured that hot wax on our legs and ripped the strip off with malicious glee. I've hated those girls ever since." Mercedes shuddered.
Santana laughed loudly. "Man, that's hilarious! Way to go, Tubbers!"
Quinn glared at her. "Shut up! We know now that wax is not for us."
"Have you ever seen the 40 Year Old Virgin?" Marcy led.
"Yeah." Santana nodded.
"That told me right there that I didn't want a wax. Didn't need a test strip."
"I'm with you, Patti. Why learn the hard way?"
"You've been waxing for years!" Quinn snapped.
"Yeah but I was copying my mom. She got waxed so I got waxed."
"We know about copying our mothers." Mercedes cut through their fight. "Momma started shaving in college and she had so many problems so she said never again. That's where Nair came in."
"I don't know when it was invented but I'm glad it was." Marcy checked the time. "I don't "shave" often but I like to touch myself when I do. I feel so smooth."
"Me too." Karou crossed her legs but made sure her lower limbs didn't touch. "I just rub like I'm a cat."
Yuria smiled. "I've never done this before. I've always been afraid of wax so I've just been natural. I never even thought of shaving."
"Hey, it's the best." Marcy stood. "I have to wash off."
Mercedes struggled to her feet. "Me too. I was right behind you."
"I got another thirty seconds." Karou checked the time.
"Me too." Quinn flipped a page in her magazine.
"How long does this stuff stay on?" Santana wondered.
"Three to ten minutes." Marcy answered. "It takes at least three and they don't recommend you leaving it on past ten."
"That's kind of a long window."
"The thicker the hair, the longer you need."
"Thick hair?" Santana grinned sheepishly.
"Ethnic girls know all about thick hair."
Santana tossed her head. "Damn right!"
"Let's go, Marce. An ego is among us." Mercedes shook her head at the fiery Latina.
"Time for us, too." Karou stood up.
Marcy, Mercedes, Karou and Quinn went to the full downstairs toilet. They wet towels and wiped away the newly loosened hair and pink lotion. Afterwards, they washed their legs with soap and warm water.
When they were done, Santana and Yuria walked in to do the same. The six went back to the den and sat down.
"Now what?" Santana questioned.
"I want to leave." Marcy piped up.
"You do?" Mercedes was shocked but pleased.
"Yes. I know it never works out for me but I want a massage."
"It never works out for you?" Santana raised a brow.
"Marcy is… delicate." Mercedes explained.
"I am not!" Marcy yelled.
Karou pressed a finger to her arm.
"Ow!" Marcy snatched away.
Quinn grabbed her arm and showed off the red mark left behind.
"She only poked you!" Santana's eyes were wide.
"She bruises really easily but the good thing is that it goes away quickly." Quinn let Marcy go but then grabbed her arm quickly when she saw something. "Hey! You're doing this again?!"
"Leave me alone!" Marcy ripped her arm away.
"Doing what?" Karou took Marcy's other arm. "Cuz!"
"I don't need your concern!" Marcy snapped.
"What's going on?" Santana frowned.
"Look at her arms!" Quinn threw a hand out at her younger sister.
Mercedes, whom she was talking to, held out her hand. "Let me see, Marce."
"No!" Marcy crossed her arms over her chest like an "X" and turned away.
"Do I have to go get Momma?"
"Leave me alone!"
"She's cutting again." Quinn just told it.
"Marcy!" Mercedes stood up. "I'm getting Momma!"
"I never should have opened my mouth! I don't want to see you! Get out and leave me alone!" Marcy shot up and ran out.
"Marcy?! Marcy!"
"She cuts?" Santana was surprised. "She doesn't seem emo to me."
"She's not emo!" Mercedes set her hands on her hips. "And more than emo people cut and not all emo people cut. It's a serious problem that I'd hoped she got over."
"It's our fault." Quinn shook her head. "We stopped checking her."
"How long has this been going on?" Yuria asked. "She's done it since I've known her but she never wanted to talk about it."
"She doesn't do it for attention." Karou blew out a breath. "She said it makes her feel better. Like being cleansed."
"She told you that?" Mercedes was hurt. "She's never told us anything! She just shuts us out."
"We have to tell Momma Rose." Quinn sighed. "We might have to put her back on suicide watch."
"She's suicidal?" Santana couldn't believe it.
"She's had a couple accidents and she's been in the hospital. But every time they brought up a counselor, she always refused."
"The last time, they said she only had one more time to wind up in the hospital again and they were going to put her away." Mercedes chewed on her bottom lip.
"Should we tell your mom?" Santana didn't want her in trouble.
"I-I don't know."
"I do. I've gone through postpartum depression and when you already have problems, it will mess your head up. She'll be angry with us but I'd rather have her here and mad at me then dead." Quinn stood.
"Yes!" Mercedes took her hand. "I agree completely! Where's Momma?"
"I think she's doing laundry." Yuria brought up.
"Let's go."
They all walked out and to the laundry room, where Rose was indeed doing laundry. She was folding the first load. "Hello, girls."
"Momma, we have a problem." Mercedes said straight off.
"Oh no. She doesn't want to leave the house, does she?" Rose dropped her arms.
"It's a bit more serious than that, Mrs. Jones." Yuria was worried. She'd rather have her friend alive but she still didn't want to make her mad at her.
"What's going on?" Rose grew concerned.
"Momma Rose, Marcy's cutting again." Quinn told it.
Rose took a deep panicked breath. "Oh my word!"
"Yes. Go make her stop."
Rose rubbed her hands over her face. She turned around in a circle a few times before dropping her hands. "Okay, I want you girls to go check in on the kids. I want to make sure they don't know anything about this."
"Got it!" They nodded.
"Mercy, I want you to call your father and brother. Quinnie, call your mother. Then I want you two to call Michael and Jeanette. We're dealing with this as a family."
"Got it!" The duo nodded again.
"Karou, I want you to call Marcy's therapist and make an appointment as soon as possible and send Mal up in fifteen minutes."
"Do you want me to tell him what's going on?" Karou asked.
"Not in front of the kids."
"Do we tell the boys?" Mercedes wanted to know.
"Not in front of the kids. I would say not at all but we need to surround her with our love and let her know we are here for her."
"Got it!" The girls ran out.
Rose took another shuddering breath. She just got her daughter back into her life; she wasn't about to lose her again.
MMC
Rose entered the room and crossed it to set the cup of tea on the closest nightstand. "Marcy, honey, are you awake?"
Marcy, face down in her mattress (Rose had Mal strip the bed so she could wash the bedding), nodded.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Marcy shook her head.
"Well that's too bad." Rose pushed her over slightly so she could fit at the edge of the bed. "We need to talk about this."
"No!" Marcy's voice came through muffled.
"It's not going away just because you ignore it. Heaven knows it hasn't worked for me."
Marcy didn't move (that Rose could see).
"We'll get through this together. As a family."
Marcy's words were too muffled to understand.
"What?"
Marcy rolled onto her side- away from Rose. "Some family. We're the very definition of dysfunction."
"How can you say that?" As soon as those words crossed her lips, Rose regretted them.
Marcy sat up and pulling her legs to her chest, looked her mother in the eye. "We're all mad. The kids are on another planet and you guys have weird marriages."
"I know Daddy and I are going through a separation right now-"
"It's not even about the separation- that has been a total trial." She scooted to the other side of the bed and got up.
"What do you mean?"
Marcy picked up a pillow from the chair. "PR cheated on Ms. Judy after months of weirdness. Papa Mike runs over Mrs. C. And you boss Daddy around like he's not German."
Rose opened and closed her mouth before opening it again. "I didn't realize our relationships affected you."
"I don't know." Marcy set the pillow down precisely in the spot she picked it up from. "It's nothing. You didn't come up here for this anyway. They told on me."
"They did but we can talk about that in a moment. Your parents' relationship is the number one relationship you base all other ones on growing up. I learned that in a psych class they made me take before I was able to claim it was against my religion to be forced into it."
Marcy turned to raise a brow at her.
Rose's lips twitched at the (perceived) judgment. "I know. I should have stayed. But I learned about how relationships you're exposed to in your formative years shape how you form your own down the line."
"How did Granddad's and Grandmom's relationship shape all of yours?" Marcy stared at her.
Rose gulped.
Marcy stared steadily.
Rose sighed. "You're aware that Mother is a very Italian woman. Everything is done with passion. Cooking, parenting, singing, arguing."
"Yes?"
"And Daddy- I didn't know too many black men growing up but they all seemed like him. He had a short fuse and he yelled a lot. You know Daddy. He gets angry easily and says hurtful things. Things that stay with you for a while. Marc picked that up from him."
Marcy could admit that.
"But he was quick to say sorry and buy you something until it happened again. Being home was a rollarcoaster. The only good thing about me singing was that I went on tour three years in a row.
My family was big and loud and so embarrassing. Mother and Daddy would have these fights- fights where we thought for sure they would get divorced. Then we'd come down for breakfast one day and they'd be kissing at the table.
It was very unstable. And I hated it. I promised myself that if and when I ever got married, my husband and I would never fight. Ever. If my husband ever raised his voice to me, I was gone."
"Wow." Marcy blinked.
"Yeah. I've started seeing someone and we're going through my adolescence. She thinks it's left "severe scars on my psyche"."
"So you hate fighting? That's why you and Daddy just stop talking to each other when you're mad?"
"Apparently that's not healthy." Rose scowled.
"Fighting can't be healthy."
"Not fighting is worse. If you're fighting, you're talking and getting out what needs to be said instead of holding everything inside."
"Daddy never talks about growing up with his family. Was it like yours? Is that why he never argues with you?"
"Apparently his parents had a marriage like ours. You know your Grandpa. He's a stern, serious man. Very stubborn and proud. Not into talking. Your Grandma is quiet, serious and proud herself.
They usually agreed but when they didn't, your father said it'd be very uncomfortable in the house. Everyone would be on edge and they never knew when things were okay. The cold spell could last weeks."
"Yikes. I don't want that."
"You don't-? Do you think that could happen to you and Mal?"
Marcy sat on the arm of the chair. "I don't know what will happen with us. I'm not that self involved that I didn't notice everyone's marriages in the family. But I guess that class was onto something.
Mrs. C is very subservient to PM. I saw how Ms. Judy bent over backwards for PR, even not working even though she had a business degree just because he wanted her to be a stay-at-home mom. Daddy just always agreed with whatever you said.
I guess I thought I had to- I don't know- be someone else. I know in the Word it says for a woman to be submissive but that's literally not me. If you're wrong, I'm going to tell you you're wrong-"
"That's a good thing. The bible doesn't say to blindly follow your husband."
"Yeah but where's the line? What if it's something I just plain don't want to do but there's no reasonable reason for me not to?"
Rose blinked. "I never even asked that at premarriage counseling."
"Every day there's a new reason for me not to get married. Everything in me says to run. I can see no good in this."
"Then why'd you say yes?"
Marcy gave a quick grin before working her mouth. "Would you believe pregnancy hormones?"
"I heard about your unconventional niceness. But I don't think that's why you said yes."
"To be fair, I asked him first."
"Why?"
"Because I was pregnant and desperately didn't want him to kill me when he found out."
"That's not why."
Marcy blew out a breath. "Because every time I look in his eyes, I just want to be in his arms."
"Then go with that feeling. People said your father and I wouldn't make it. They said we were too different and that we were too young. They said that the likelihood of us surviving past the year was so low that people were starting to take bets on when we divorced. Some even said it'd be an annulment."
"Rude!"
"That's what I say!"
"Who said some crap like that to you?!"
"Friends. Friends that had known me for years. They didn't know him like I did and they didn't know me like he did. I look at my life before I met your father and I can see how lost, alone and scared I was. I didn't know my place in the world and I was hiding from everyone just how insecure I was.
But from the moment I met him, I felt safe, I felt calm, I felt whole."
"Like you're who you were always meant to be?"
Rose smiled. "Like I'm who I was always meant to be."
"Can't you convince Daddy that you're sorry?"
"I've been trying. I broke his trust. I hurt something so precious to his heart and he has to forgive me in his own time."
"Daddy isn't hard-hearted. He'll forgive you. I just hope it's before you get divorced."
"Here's hoping."
Marcy was quiet for a moment. "You can ask me now."
"Ask you what?"
"You didn't start talking about relationships just because you want me to get married. You wanted me to relax before you asked me why I was cutting."
"You were always smarter than me. I used to be so jealous that your IQ was higher than mine at such a young age."
"And it's higher now but you're still not asking."
"Do I have to?"
"Would it hurt you to say the words?"
"I honestly don't know. I never handled it well before. I'm sorry about that. I was thinking of myself again. Thinking about what it meant for me and how it would look. But I promise it'll be different this time.
Any feeling you have, you can tell us. If you want to see a counselor, I won't disapprove. I overtalked you and your father before because I thought it was the beginning step into crazy town but I was wrong.
If you need help, you should get help."
"Thank you."
"So what's going on?"
"Not much more than what I told you yesterday."
"And you feel you have to do this?"
"Yes."
Rose waited but that was all she said. "I had Karou make an appointment with your doctor."
"I'm fine."
"Not your physician."
"Oh. Well that's probably for the best."
"Your father is on his way. So is everyone else. I thought we should handle this as a family."
"Momma!" Marcy whined as she stood up and faced the window.
"I know you hate attention or being seen as weak but you need help and we're going to be here for you."
Marcy remained silent.
"I brought you tea. It's probably cooled by now."
Marcy turned. "What kind?"
"Blueberry."
Marcy unbent. "Alright." She walked to the bed and climbed inside to crawl over to the other side. She folded her legs under herself and picked up the mug.
"Is it cool enough? I didn't put it in the freezer."
"It's a little warm but it's alright."
Rose watched her sip. "I'd never known anyone who drank cold tea before I had you. We all drank it hot and I continued to drink it that way.
When I went to university, I learned there were other ways to have tea but I never tried it and didn't know anyone that did.
I introduced Marc to tea when he was three. I didn't want him scalded. I babied him so much as my firstborn. He was my little prince. I didn't want anything to hurt him."
"Even dirt flavored water…?" Her tone was dry.
Rose laughed unexpectedly. "Dirt flavored water? Wow! I've never heard it that way before!"
Marcy shrugged and sipped.
"Well yes. I didn't even want dirt flavored water to hurt him. I shouldn't have worried. He hated it. Didn't go near it for the next three years."
"He had to grow to like it?"
"Technically. I suspect the only reason he began drinking it was because Laura drank it and he didn't want her upstaging him."
Marcy's lips twitched in amusement.
"I gave tea to you and Mercy at the same time. She was two and you were a year old. I think she liked the idea more than the reality. Every time I picked up my cup, she picked up her sippy cup. Every time I put mine down, she'd put hers down.
It was so cute. She was trying so hard to be a lady."
"She still tries so hard to be a lady. She tries so hard to be perfect."
"There are no perfect people."
"Not walking around down here." Marcy agreed.
"I'll talk to her about that. I don't want her stressed out, trying to obtain the unachievable."
"That'll be a long conversation."
Rose groaned lightly, sounding like Marge Simpson. "She'll be my next pep-talk. Maybe I'll get Marc while I'm at it?"
"About him, Laura and Quad?"
"Quad. That's such a clever name. I'll admit I wasn't sure she would name him after Marc but I'm glad she is."
"I thought she'd name him after Robert just to spite Marc."
"Would you have named Riley after Pierre?"
"Not pregnant. I was too lovey-dovey but my mind is clear now and sometimes I want to make him cry."
"That's disturbing, dear." Rose admitted.
Marcy shrugged as she continued to watch a clump of sugar refuse to dissolve in her lukewarm tea.
"If I tell you how you took tea, will you talk to your therapist about that?"
"About what?"
"Wanting to make Mal cry."
It was quiet for a while until… "Okay."
Rose grimaced. "I put it in your bottle. You could hold cups way before then but I didn't want you to get hurt so I went out to buy you bottles expressly for tea.
Anyway, you ignored it. I waited for you to notice it and after first touching it, you dropped it onto the table and left it there. I got tired of waiting so I began cleaning up the house and when I came back to pour it out, you had it sticking out of your mouth while you played.
So I gathered that it was simply too hot for you. I began trying different temperatures but discovered that the colder the better. I'd make your tea and place it in the freezer for twenty minutes and give it to you in your bottle.
You looked just like Daddy when he drank his beer. He'd be on the couch, reading the newspaper or one of those grisly crime novels, sipping his beer and you'd sit next to him, putting together a puzzle or going over a picture book, sucking on your bottle. It was the cutest thing ever."
Marcy smiled briefly.
"So you promise to talk to your therapist?"
"I promise to talk to my therapist about everything we've talked about here."
Rose was surprised. Marcy was one for loopholes. She got it from Jeanette. "Thank you. There's one thing I don't understand though."
"Hmm?"
"Why hasn't anyone seen your scars before now? Was it just in the last six weeks? Why didn't I see them yesterday?"
"That's more than one thing." She blinked.
"Marcy."
Marcy set the cup on the nightstand and held her arm out. "What do you see?"
"I don't understand. I don't see any scars."
"Because I don't cut on the outside. It hurts more, heals slower and people ask more questions." She turned her arm over.
Rose gasped. The yellow flesh was mostly red and white with new and old scars. Some of the skin was jagged while most was smooth, if a little raised. Still yet were the dark purple lines that were smooth. Most of the scars were just straight lines but she also had words etched into her arm.
"No one pays attention to the inside of the arm. It's rarely shown naturally and there's no real reason to seek it out. Even if I think some person might notice, I wear long sleeves." Marcy rolled her sleeve down.
"Wait. Can I see again?"
Marcy rolled the sleeve back up.
Rose lifted a hand before drawing it back. "Can I- can I touch it?"
"The new ones still burn a bit."
"Burn?" Rose made sure she touched old ones.
"It's like fire when you cut into your own skin. It hurts and it's like flames lick at the slice as you pull it through. Then it'll itch as it heals but sometimes it still burns."
"That's horrible."
"It's bearable."
"How? Why? What joy can you gain from this?"
Marcy took her arm back and rolled down both sleeves.
"No, no! I'm not judging! I just want to understand!"
Marcy played with her toes. "It's euphoric. It's cleansing. It's freeing."
"I don't understand. How?"
"When I begin, I'm giddy because I know how it's going to go. I start and it hurts but I know that that's the hard part and things'll get better. As I continue to cut, I feel free. Like I'm in charge of myself. I can do anything and I'm not afraid of anything.
And then the blood comes and it feels like I've completed a ritual to cleanse myself of demons. It makes me happy to think that for as long as this is happening, evil can't touch me. It's euphoric. You can get drunk off the bravado.
And when it's over, you wipe away the blood and apply ointment and bandages. If you don't need bandages, just choose a long sleeved top that doesn't itch. The wounds will enough, don't help it."
"But it's only temporary."
"But it's only temporary." Marcy agreed as she touched her own arm through her shirt.
"How often do you do it? Did you ever stop?"
"I do it when I feel I need to. When I'm unhappy. After a hospital stay, I'd stop for a few weeks but I'd feel so bad that I'd start again.
When I got the twins back,-" She smiled with a faraway look in her eyes. "I didn't cut for months. I didn't need to. I was so happy to have them. But the pain didn't care that I had something to live for and I started again.
I cut a lot last year."
"When you were home with us? With me?"
Marcy nodded.
"I drove you to do this."
"It's not about you. It's not just about you."
"You're right." Rose fought back against the guilt. "When was the last time you did it?"
"You can say it." Marcy looked up at her. "You won't catch it."
Rose gulped. "When was the last time you cut?"
"Three days ago." Marcy moved the fabric of her shirt and showed off her other arm. She pointed to the new scars.
""Weak"?" Rose read. "Why does it say "weak"?"
"I feel weak."
Rose felt out of her element. "I'm going to make you feel strong."
"So am I." Both turned to see Mal at the door.
"How long have you been there?" Marcy was surprised she didn't notice him. She always knew when someone was near.
"A while."
"I'll let you two talk." Rose stood. She pinched Marcy's cheek before kissing Mal's on her way out.
Mal came to stand next to the bed.
"You're not going to yell at me?" Marcy stared at him.
He sat on the bed and scooted until he was on her side. Then he pulled her into his lap. He wrapped his arms around her.
She didn't really know what to do with that and held still until it hurt to be so stiff. She relaxed and let him hold her.
It was quiet for a long time before he said, "You want to make me cry?"
MMC
"Are you serious?!" Puck was blown away.
"No!" Artie was, too.
"Again?!" Mike was frustrated.
"Mikey!" Mercedes slapped his chest.
"I don't want to see my sister in the hospital again."
"I know it's hard on you to see her like that. It's hard on us, too but this is about her. Not us."
Mike gave a frustrated sigh. "I gotta go."
"Where are you going?"
"I gotta pick Laura up from the airport anyway."
Mercedes knew how miserable he was. She wrapped her arms around his neck. "Things will get better. I promise you."
He nodded and avoided her eyes before breaking away from her. He kissed her head and walked out.
Mercedes watched him leave with a heavy heart.
"He's taking this pretty hard." Artie noted.
"Yeah. They're really close. We always joke about them being twins. They deny it and it's a big thing but they have a special bond. He takes his big brother role seriously and he blames himself when she gets like this."
"So what's going on exactly? She has a line or two on her arm? Maybe she had an accident-?"
"That's not what's happening here, Artie." Quinn shook her head. "It's never what's happening."
"So she's trying to kill herself?" Puck was lost. "Mini Mama seems too strong for that."
"It's not a matter of strength, Puck." Mercedes rubbed her stomach in agitation. "Everyone has their breaking point."
"But she's really that unhappy?"
"I don't know." And Mercedes hated that.
"We don't know if she's trying to kill herself." Karou snapped. "She could just be cutting."
"You think it's for attention?" Yuria was shocked she'd say that.
"No! I don't know. Maybe not? CC isn't like that but what else could it be? Yeah, we ignored her but it's not that bad."
"Are you forgetting everything before these last eight weeks? I was with her at some of those places and it was hell. I still have nightmares and wake up crying. Why wouldn't she?"
"You wake up crying? Why haven't you ever told me?"
"I don't like talking about it."
"But you should definitely tell the person you're sleeping next to that you have nightmares and wake up crying."
"I don't like talking about it."
Karou threw up her hands.
Mercedes hugged her to keep her from blowing up. "We're not trying to have you two on the outs. Yuria can just understand how Marcy feels."
"I do." Yuria said stiffly. "I've been where she's been, often with her."
"Do you do this, too?" Karou demanded.
"It's none of your business."
"Let me see your arms!"
"You're bossy but you're not the boss of me!" Yuria stormed out.
Karou tried to go after her but Mercedes wouldn't let her go. "Let me go! If she thinks-!"
"Rou! Stop!" Mercedes squeezed her. "Don't you think this is why she didn't tell you?!"
Karou gasped as she tried to speak before all the fight left her. "I don't want to lose my favorite person in the world or my girlfriend. What am I supposed to do?"
"I don't know. But this isn't the way."
Next up on This Life I Lead… Marcy and Mal have a blowup following Yuria's and Karou's that leads to Mal making a decision that could cost him his marriage.