Disclaimer- I do not have the pleasure of owning Torchwood. If I did, there would be less aliens and more beautiful Welsh vowels. As you can tell by the aliens, the BBC has the honour of owning the show.
Spoilers- None- for once this is absolutely, completely and utterly AU
Rating- T
Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed! Your reviews keep me smiling when uni is getting me down, so thank you. =)

Special thanks to Amethystbutterflys for the beta, the telepathic cheesecake, and that FFTL scene… Love you! xxx

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Casual Feuds

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"Oi! Anyone gonna help me up?"

Jack's semi-irate tones brought Ianto back to his senses, making him instinctively whip round whereupon he only just managed to grab onto the barrier to save himself from becoming reacquainted with the ice. Rhys, appearing to be much steadier on his feet, merely stared at Jack for a long moment, eyebrows raised.

"Nope," he said at length, and made as if to turn to Ianto.

Jack pouted. "I have four words for you, Rhys Alun Williams: Gwen. Cooper. Rolling. Pin."

Already these words were enough to strike fear into the heart of Ianto Gareth Jones; but to the Welshman's astonishment Rhys merely laughed.

"Ah, you see, that's exactly why I'm going to leave you lying there- the missus doesn't like me to go round picking up guys."

"You picked up Ianto!" Jack protested, struggling into a sitting position.

The rugby player shrugged. "I figure guys Gwen's made a play for count as fair game."

Ianto's mouth dropped open even as Jack scowled. "So get down off your high horse and help me up then!"

"But it's so much more fun to humiliate you, Harkness," Rhys returned, relenting and offering Jack a hand. If he hadn't been so dazed by the casual comment about Gwen making a play for him, Ianto would have been quick to note the way the rugby player's other hand clutched the barrier tightly. Evidently the star of the Cardiff Blues had no desire to wind up crotch to crotch with the dripping model.

"At last!" Jack treated Rhys to an exaggerated eye roll. "I was this close to playing the old 'the last time I fell over ice-skating my father was there to pick me up!' card."

Rhys raised his eyebrows again. "You fight dirty, Harkness."

Jack's only answer was a swift engaging grin before he turned his attention to the silent musician. "Y'ok, Yan? You're weirdly silent. Not starstruck, are you? 'Cause I can assure you, this great lump here ain't worthy of it."

Rhys brought his elbows together and clapped the outsides of his fists together twice in a rude gesture borrowed from 'Friends', but Ianto scarcely noticed.

"Erm, dumbstruck would be more accurate, I think," he commented. "Gwen's made a play for me? When?"

The model chuckled. "Oh, Rhys is just exaggerating. If I know my Gwen she won't have made a play for you because she offered you up to me on a silver platter and she sets great store by friendship. But when I was late for drinks at Vigilante the day we met, she did tell me I had about two minutes to show my face or she'd try to turn you. But don't worry, she was joking. For some strange reason she seems oddly committed to this great lump here."

"Oi, 'great lump here' has feelings, you know!" Rhys protested. "And I'll have you know that I'm a great lump of pure muscle, thank you very much. Anyway, Harkness, you're just jealous that for once Gwen got the guy and not you."

"I assume you've switched the conversation onto yourself now?" Jack raised an eyebrow. "Because it may have escaped your notice, but Ianto is quite categorically with me."

The man in question cut across the seemingly endless banter with a frown. "So when we met," he began slowly, "when Gwen introduced us in Vigilante- you were in on that? It wasn't just some chance meeting engineered by her- you planned that?"

"Well- yes," Jack answered, a little taken aback. "I mean, she told me that she'd met you and that you were gorgeous and talented and gay and single. And she offered to set us up, and naturally I said yes. Is that a problem?" He frowned.

Ianto frowned too. "I suppose not. It just never occurred to me, that's all. Makes me feel kind of like a melon in the supermarket or something, where you weigh them all up before you decide which one to buy."

Jack raised an eyebrow. "A melon, Ianto? Really? Of all the analogies you could have sprung on me, you're going with a melon?"

"What's wrong with a melon?" Ianto defended himself. "I suppose now you're going to say you'd have gone with a packet of condoms or something?"

Jack stared. "Is that really what you think of me?" he demanded. "You really see me as the kind of guy who only thinks with his dick?"

Seeking to diffuse the situation, Ianto shook his head. "No, of course not. I've yet to meet a dick that can pull off a first class degree- and in astrophysics, no less! No, I think it's safe to say that your brain is definitely located further north."

Jack grinned, and the musician felt the warmth of forgiveness flood through him as the model leaned closer to murmur confidentially in his ear: "Not that that takes anything away from my dick…"

Rhys groaned loudly, making a show of covering his ears. "Harkness! There are children present- couldn't you try a little harder to keep this conversation appropriate for public airing? Good grief, man, imagine what a field day the press would have if they were stalking you!"

"It's not like you to be so concerned about my reputation, Rhys…" Jack smirked.

The rugby player rolled his eyes. "To hell with your reputation, Harkness!" he retorted. "But I'll thank you to remember that any bad press you garner reflects negatively on my girlfriend's professional reputation."

"You worry too much!" the model chortled, shaking his head. "Anyway, why would the press be stalking me? I'm sure they all have much more interesting things to be concerning themselves with. Rhys Williams' selection for the Welsh national team, for instance."

"Keep your voice down, idiot!" Rhys hissed, flushing scarlet. "No-one's supposed to know about that yet! Damn Gwen, I told her that in confidence!"

"Jeez, someone's touchy today!" Jack skated backwards a step or two, holding his hands out in front of him as if to ward off the rugby player's strictures. "Gwen and I tell each other everything; I'd've thought you'd've worked that one out by now. There are no secrets in our friendship. Except of course Christmas-gift-related secrets. Those are permitted- just."

As the Cardiff Blues' hooker rolled his eyes again, Jack elected to move the conversation on to safer topics.

"Anyway, we haven't had formal introductions yet! Yan, this is Rhys Williams, Gwen's significant other. Rhys, allow me to proudly- yes, and a little smugly!- present Ianto Jones, my boyfriend. And apparently a musical genius, although I haven't been able to talk him into playing for me yet…"

Ianto raised an eyebrow. "And whose fault is that?" he demanded. "This is only the fifth date, Jack; and so far two have been in restaurants, one at an ice rink, and one in London. On the only date when you were actually in the same building as my violin, you were much more interested in the cheesecake."

The model smirked. "Well going by the logic you've just thrown at me, Ianto, I think it's safe to say that yes, you are indeed to blame."

"How do you work that one out?" the musician frowned.

Jack smirked again. "Well clearly your decision to make cheesecake was a defensive move, designed to distract me from recalling the existence of your violin."

Rhys rolled his eyes. "I'd give up if I were you, mate," he advised Ianto. "Harkness' logic is always creatively twisted and never makes sense to anyone but him. Yet to my amazement, all the times I've seen him in action a casual shrug and an engaging grin seem to have an uncanny way of confusing whoever he's arguing with into deciding that he's right."

"Thanks for your concern, but I'm not so easily defeated," the musician smiled. "I'm not the kind of man who bows to twisted, self-serving logic. You need something a damn sight more intellectual than an engaging grin to beat me in an argument."

Jack raised an eyebrow, moving in close to whisper in the musician's ear softly enough for only him to hear. "You know what I've been fantasising about since I met you? Sucking you off whilst you play for me. I'm pretty good at blow jobs, you know- I have references."

Ianto stiffened, his knuckles turning white as he gripped the barrier more tightly and bit his lip. "Damn you, Jack! That's cheating!" he burst out, shifting uncomfortably.

Rhys looked at Jack with begrudging respect. "How the hell do you do that, Harkness?" he demanded. "Is there anyone you can't force to bow to your logic?"

Jack looked undeniably smug. "I cheat," he informed the other two with a smirk. "I always cheat."

Slightly recovered now, Ianto smirked back. "Just wait 'til I introduce you to Naked Hide and Seek…"

It was Jack's turn to groan. "Something tells me you're a bit of a cheater yourself, Mr Jones…"

The musician grinned. "Excuse me! I prefer to call it creative winning, thank you very much. And if we make it to the seventh date you'll soon find out just how creative I can be…"

Jack bit his lip. "And what are you doing on Thursday?"

"Treating you to an impromptu concert. With my trousers on."

Rhys looked distinctly worried.