bleh

I didn't go to the pension the next day. Or the day after that.

I wanted to see my sister. I really did. But the hosts made it too suffocating. They surrounded me and didn't let me talk to my sister freely. There were things I needed to talk about with her that no one else could know. Or, rather, that I didn't want anyone else to know.

Except Kei. He could know and likely already knew.

I wanted to talk to Haruhi about Akame. Haruhi was always someone I went to when I needed advice, and she always gave great advice, especially about princess matters. For some reason, she was better at it than I was. She would make a much better princess than me, but sadly, it didn't work like that and I wouldn't wish this life on anyone.

Kei and Kyoya both visited me in my room, but I rarely left my spot on the bed. It was so comfortable. Not to mention the fact that I wanted to heal faster, so irritating the injuries further was not a very good idea. Resting was what I would do.

Six weeks for broken bones. Two weeks in a sling for my shoulder. Months for my fingernails to grow back.

But at least I was alive, right? Left alive to think about the man that was no longer living because of me; left alive to be a princess that didn't earn what little she had, who had to work so much harder to get what she needed, but not what she wanted. Because what she wanted didn't comply to other people's wishes.

"Akahoshi-sama?" A maid walked into the room. I looked at her, face neutral. I hated that name now. I had asked her to stop calling me that, but she wouldn't listen to me. She said it was my name, and that that was what she was going to call me. "Are you ready for your bath?"

"As I'll ever be." I said. She rolled the wheelchair next to the bed, and with a lot of difficulty, I managed to slide into it. The drop wasn't very far, but it still hurt my leg.

She wheeled me into the bathroom attached to my room. It was a fairly big size, the tiles white, the tub large. She turned the water on, but she didn't need to put the thing in the bottom of the tub that kept the water from draining. I wasn't supposed to take baths because of the stitches in my leg, so she would always just wet a wash rag, put some soap on it—which smelled like lavender—and washed me like that.

I hated it. I hated it so much. I felt so pathetic each time, but if I didn't, I would likely start to stink and that was something I didn't want. I would take the humiliation if it meant being clean.

I stared at the ceiling the entire time, the sound of water running a monotonous lullaby. If the servant thought anything about the amount of scars I had, she didn't say anything. If she thought anything about how disgusting it was to have to take off my bandages and look at all of the red, irritated cuts, she didn't say anything. She just quietly hummed as I bit back a wince at the stings caused by the soap.

"Just grit your teeth, Akahoshi-sama. I'm being as gentle as possible." Her voice was quiet and soft. It got on my nerves. Could she at least spare me the conversations while she was doing this?

My shoulder hurt. I wished I didn't have to take the sling off. My arm was stiff from being in the same spot, sure, but at least it wasn't moving. Now, as she washed that area, she was lifting my arm, causing rotation in the shoulder, and causing pain to flare like she was feeding oxygen to a flame. But, either she was stupid, or just didn't care, because she kept doing it, wary of the stitches on my arm.

Thankfully, she was done in a moment, and moved to my left side. She went to take my brace off but I pulled my hand back to my chest. She reached for it again.

"Stop it." I said. "Don't touch my left hand."

Was I being ridiculous for not letting people touch my left hand? Probably. But I could barely bare to touch the hand; how could I expect others to? Then again, they didn't know what I had done, didn't know that this hand was once covered in the blood of someone I killed.

My stomach rolled.

"Fine." The maid said, grabbing my forearm and pulling my arm away from my body so she could wash it.

Five more minutes. Just five more minutes. I could bare anything for that amount of time, right? After those brutal hours under that hands of that prison guard, this was heaven. One of the easiest things I had ever done.

I was still uneasy though. Every flaw I had was present in my mind, pushing and pulling, trying to get me to shove the servant away and cover myself with a towel. I didn't, however, because that would have been rude especially after she—who had likely been forced to do this—was taking care of me. I wasn't just talking about the bathing; she had actually been feeding me—only when I was struggling—and helping me to the bathroom. I should have been more thankful and grateful.

Her red hair was falling out of her bun, some of the stray strands falling in her face. Her green eyes were concentrated but soft. She seemed nice enough.

She let go of my arm after she finished, and moved on to my stomach. I took a glance at the wash cloth that was once a white, but was now a pink color. Now I was ruining Kyoya's wash cloths too. I was also ninety percent sure that once the maid dried me off with a towel, that towel would also have my blood on it. I was just leaving blood everywhere. At least I wasn't on my period.

"Akahoshi-sama," The maid said as I went back to staring at the ceiling. "When you get your kingdom back…." She trailed off. For a moment, I let myself relax, because that was definitely something I didn't want to talk about, but she just continued talking after debating what she was going to say for a moment. "When you get your kingdom back, can I have a spot as a maid in the palace?"

"Why?" Who would want to serve a vile monster like me? "Doesn't Kyoya pay you enough?"

She only looked to be about twenty years old or so. She was young. Didn't she have any aspirations outside of being a servant to someone else?

"It isn't about the money." She moved on to clean my legs, dipping the rag in the water before doing so. "Kyoya-sama is great, but… But I want to serve someone as brave as you are."

Brave? "I'll let my dad know." I said. She let a small smile onto her face, the only bit of emotion she showed. Well, you could tell just by looking at her eyes that she was ecstatic to hear that I would talk to my dad about her working in the palace. I hated getting her hopes up. I didn't know if she would get the spot. I didn't know if I would have a kingdom.

Brave. I sure as hell didn't feel brave. What she said implied that I was brave and Kyoya wasn't. It was the other way around. Kyoya was brave. He, in the face of his dad, has put all of his faith and trust in me. He had continuously believed that I would be a great princess and would one day rule as queen.

I couldn't believe I had let him down. How could I still be a great princess after what I had done? Sure, I could still be a princess. But how could people look at me?

Not for the first time, I wished I wasn't a princess.

"Akahoshi-sama, let's get you dressed. Lunch should be ready." The maid said. I obliged, moving myself the best I could to help as much I as could. I hated being a burden.

A few minutes later, and a lot of pain later, I was fully dressed and clean. My hair hadn't been washed, but it was still kind of soft from where I had washed it the day previously, so it was okay. The maid was pushing me down the halls and towards the dining room, where I was hoping no one would be waiting. I had avoided people at all costs, and the one time I did eat a meal with them, only Kei would talk to me. Kyoya would just glance up at me every once in a while.

A lot like he did when he was ignoring me. I didn't want to eat a meal with him. I didn't want to confirm that that might be what he was doing again.

That wasn't the only thing making me uneasy, though. I knew he had the resources to figure out what happened. All it would take would be for him to ask someone how I was found, and then he was smart enough to put the rest of the puzzle together.

I braced myself. I had to get used to this. If this was what was happening, then it would happen again. People would leave. It wasn't a big deal. It was not a big deal. I didn't care if Kyoya removed himself from my life. I did not care one bit.

I just ignored the way I felt like someone had stuck a knife in my side.

Right as we were about to round the corner and go into the dining room, I took a deep breath. It was shaky, but it was there. I could hear my own heartbeat in my ears, feel the nerves pricking my skin but making my stomach feel heavy.

But it was all for nothing.

As soon as we turned the corner, there was no one there at the table. I felt relieved but I also kind of felt…. Disappointed? I didn't understand myself a lot of the times. I guess it was where Kyoya was actually going out of his way to avoid me. I didn't know what was worse.

The maid wheeled me up to the dark, wooden table, taking a spot of one of the chairs that were supposed to be there. I assumed that it was the one that was still in my room, which was where Kei sat when he visited me.

I wished I had grabbed my phone from my room. Kei had given it back yesterday, fully charged. I had messages from all of the Hosts that had my number, most recently. Tamaki wanted to play piano with me when I was healed; Kaoru wanted to meet somewhere; Haruhi was checking to make sure I was okay. I only responded to the last one.

I felt like a bitch because of it. I had just spent weeks alone, with no one but Kei, always wanting friends, and yet here I was, ignoring them once again. Even after they had stayed and even offered to help. I didn't know if that made me stupid or selfish or both.

When the plate of food was placed in front of me, the smell of it made my stomach churn. My appetite was gone, of course.

"Here you go, Akahoshi-sama. It's sashimi, something we heard you liked."

I didn't like sashimi. I liked my meat cooked all the way through, thank you very much.

"Thank you." I said, picking up the chopsticks with my left hand. I struggled to eat, but it was functional. Another small bowl was placed on the table, full of rice, along with a different one that held miso soup. A good enough lunch, I supposed.

I hated the sound of my own chewing. Not because the sound of food being broken down was annoying, but because it was all I heard besides the maid breathing. She was silent, I was silent. There was no one else here. Where was Kei? Where was Kyoya? I didn't know. Probably off theorizing about what happened to me, trying to figure out if I was still worthy enough to be their friend.

No, no. I didn't need to think like that.

I ate some of the sashimi, thinly sliced fish that was just barely cooked. I felt my nose crunch up as I ate it, but I fought to keep the look of disgust off of my face. Firstly, I hated fish. Secondly, barely cooked fish reminded me too much of fugu, the dish that killed my mother.

As I ate the fish, my mother's face was in my mind. My chest constricted. I would have given anything in the world in that moment for a single hug from my mom. For her to pull my head onto her chest, her fingers stroking my soft hair, whispering in my ear that everything would be okay. That she would forgive me. That I wasn't a horrible person. That even though I had done such a bad thing, she would still welcome me home.

I put my chopsticks down. "I'm not hungry." I said, looking at the uneaten food, feeling bad because I couldn't eat due to the thickness in my throat. The maid looked at me, concerned.

"Are you okay?" She asked. I felt something wet go down my cheek.

Of course I was crying again. I was weak. Why was I still alive?

Someone remind me. Please.

"I'm fine." I said. The look on her face was apprehensive. She pushed a strand of her red hair behind her ear and then clasped her hands in front of her.

"Do you want me to get Kei-sama?" She said.

"No."

"Is there anythi—"

"I said I was fine." I said, wishing I could stand and walk away. I didn't want to talk to Kei or Kyoya, because I knew they would try to get me to talk about it. I didn't want to. "Can you get me my phone?"

She nodded, lips pressed tightly together as she turned and left the room. However, hers weren't the only footsteps I heard. Her voice was small and barely audible as she spoke, but then a deeper, distinctly male, voice responded.

"I'll talk to her."

Good luck.

It was Kei. I recognized his voice. Which was why I wasn't the least bit surprised when I saw him round the corner, hands shoved in his pockets, hair uncombed. He sat down across from me and placed his hands on the table, but was completely relaxed and leaned back. I looked down at my hand that was in my lap.

"Don't look away from me." Kei said. "I know you've been crying. You can't hide anything from me. I know you too well."

I didn't say anything. If he knew me so well, then did he know I had killed someone? Had he figured it out? If I couldn't hide anything from him, then he must know. But he still looked at me with those same, caring blue eyes, so I doubted he knew.

"Sachiko." He said, his voice firm. "Look at me."

The tone in his voice… I had never heard it before. It caught me by surprise, causing my eyes to dart up to his.

"Talk to me."

"So demanding." I said, partially surprised when my voice didn't shake. On the inside everything I had felt numb, and Kei seemed far away, like I was submerged under meters and meters of water. Even my own voice seemed to be a fair distance away.

"You can't keep moping around." Kei said, straightening himself in the chair. "You need to get this stuff out."

Talking about it made it real. As if by keeping it in my mind, it didn't happen, it was something I had imagined. A horrible, horrible, nightmare.

"I'm not moping."

"Yes you are." He said. If the table were narrower, I could guarantee he would have leaned across and found a way to coax it out of me. Either by annoying me to the point that I told him, or by guilting me into it. "Do you not trust me?"

Kei sounded kind of hurt. Did he have the right to sound hurt when I had done nothing wrong? I just didn't want to talk about it. Was that a sin?

"I trust you plenty, you idiot. You're like a brother to me." I said, looking back down at my hand. "I just miss my mom, is all. That's it. Is that a crime, to miss my mom?"

That was just the tip of the iceberg. But I wasn't going to tell him the rest.

"No, it's not. It's normal."

Normal. Missing my mom was the only normal thing about me, and even that was twisted.

"Do you want me to call Akame?" Kei asked. I needed to talk to her. But that didn't mean I wanted to. To her, I was just some useless, expendable princess. The real goal was my dad, who had all of the power. It didn't matter that I was his only heir; he could have more children. I was a pawn.

"No." I said.

When I looked back up at him, he wasn't looking at me, but at my food. A loud growl resonated throughout the room, originating from his stomach. Well, his concentration on my troubles didn't last very long, but I wasn't concerned about that. In fact, I was thankful. At least he would stop trying to get me to talk about it.

"Eat it. I don't want it." I said.

"Are you sure?" He asked as the maid walked back in, my phone in her hand. She set it on the table next to my food, and then went to stand next to the doorway in case I needed her.

"I'm sure." I said, picking the phone up. He smiled as he stood, reaching across the table as far as he could. He pulled the miso soup, rice, and sashimi towards him, and then took the chopsticks from me. I scrolled through my contacts as Kei ate my lunch.

I wanted a distraction. I shouldn't have ignored the Host Club. When I was by myself, those thoughts crept back in, shoving me under freezing water and causing my lungs to seize, making it hard to breathe.

I opened Kaoru's message from earlier that morning.

Kaoru ('人) - You okay?

I sighed at the stupid question. It was obvious I wasn't, and I wasn't going to bother lying.

Sachiko - Give me a day and I will be

Okay, that was kind of a lie.

Kaoru ('人) - Anything I can do to help?

I glanced up at Kei, who was so absorbed in his miso soup that he didn't even notice I was messaging a friend. Geez, that kid. All he ever thought about was food or manga. Of course, there was the fact that he always thought of his father who lived on Chishima, and the fact that he thought about how we would get Chishima back.

What I was really upset about, was the fact that I had lost against Kaoru that day Honey got lost and Haruhi almost got attacked by alligators. I needed to win.

Sachiko - How about a rematch on poker?

Sachiko - I could totally kick your ass now

Kaoru ('人) - Oh, sure you can.

Sachiko - I can. Or are you just too scared to lose?

Kaoru ('人) - ofc not. Because I'm not going to lose

Sachiko - Yes you are.

Kaoru ('人) - no i'm not

Kei moved a bowl aside, the sound of the ceramic scraping against wood piercing my thoughts. I glanced up at him, only to find him shoving his face with the fish, so I looked back down at my phone.

Sachiko - we'll see

Kaoru ('人)- i'll be there in 20 minutes

Sachiko - prepare t

Sachiko - We'll discuss the terms for when I win when you get here~

Kaoru ('人) - I already know what I want

I nearly snorted when I read that. Of course he already knew.

Sachiko - you're not going to get it

Sachiko - see you later

And with that, I shut my phone and put it back on the table. The card games would not only present a distraction because of how much I would have to focus and strategize, but Kaoru would be teasing me the entire time. Hopefully. I was hoping it would steer my thoughts away from my mom, Chishima, and the man I stabbed.

"Thank you for the food." Kei said, but he was looking at the maid. I watched, finally the slightest bit interested, as her face turned red and she nodded as she looked down.

Huh. All Kei had done was said thank you, and her face was as red as the cover of my favorite book—which was the color of a cooler flame, or the color of a delicious apple—and it made me suspicious.

Kei didn't stop looking at the maid. I raised an eyebrow.

"Kei," I said, trying to get his attention. He didn't notice. He was too busy undressing the maid with his eyes.

Finally, she looked up at him, briefly meeting gaze, which caused him to look away and at me.

"Was there something you needed?" He asked, placing his chopsticks next to his empty bowls and plate.

"I could have been dying and you wouldn't have noticed me." I said, looking at the maid and then back at him. Kei rolled his eyes and then stood.

"I'm going to go help Kyoya. I'll see you at dinner."

Wait.

Help Kyoya?

"What are you doing?" I asked. He paused in the doorway.

"To help Kyoya. Didn't I just say that?"

"You sarcastic little sh—"

"Bye Sachiko~!" He sang and then left before I could finish my sentence. What were Kyoya and Kei doing, together, no less? Didn't they dislike each other? What had happened? Why were they working together? Why was I being left out of it?

It's because you're useless.

"I want to go back to my room." I said, wanting to punch something, but knowing I couldn't because of my injuries. Also, knowing I couldn't because it wouldn't help anything. It would just be another sign of me doing the wrong things at the wrong time for the wrong reasons. Mistake, after mistake, after mistake.

"Yes, Akahoshi-sama." She said.

"I have a friend coming soon. Just send him into my room, with playing cards, preferably."

"Yes, Akahoshi-sama."

So compliant to what I wanted. It was weird. It made me uncomfortable. Someone shouldn't be so willing to follow orders. Especially a fifteen year old girl. I guess, if I wanted to get my kingdom back, I would have to get used to it.

That is, if Akame and my dad would still let me keep my title even with what I had done.

§

"Why does God hate me?" I whined, looking down at my hand. Of course, it was a great hand, but I wasn't about to let Kaoru know that. I had to make it seem like I had a bad hand to get his confidence to waver. Not that that had happened yet, but… I could wish, right?

"God doesn't hate you. He just likes to pick on you." Kaoru said, eyes scanning over his cards as he put two down and then drew two from the deck. He was the dealer, because I couldn't with the way I was crippled, but I trusted him not to cheat.

I hadn't decided yet if that was a mistake or not. We were still on our first hand.

I looked down at the straight flush I had. It was pretty good. He would have to have a royal flush to beat me. I was pretty confident.

"Are you ready?" I said.

"No, wait." Kaoru put a hand up, the other one still holding the cards he had. "The punishments for losing?"

"Are we going by rounds?" I said. "Or the entire game?"

"Both." Kaoru grinned. "Whoever wins the most, has control over the other person for a day. We decide the punishments—small punishments—before each round."

"If you lose this round you have to go kiss Kei on the cheek." I blurted out as the idea came into mind. Kaoru's eyes widened ever so slightly, but he just shook his head.

"Fine. Because I'm not going to lose." He said, sticking his tongue out. I rolled my eyes at the childish gesture. "If you lose, you have to tell Tamaki you want to leave the Host Club."

I nodded. It was easy enough. Probably wouldn't be in the club much longer. I honestly wasn't aware I still had a spot in the club.

"On three." I said. "One,"

Kaoru said, "Two,"

"Three!" We both said simultaneously as we put our cards on the bed. Well, more like he slammed his down and mine just kind of fell out of my hand because of the restricted movement in my fingers. Against the white blankets the only things that really stood out on the cards were the black and red shapes. I felt my lips twitch into a small smile when I saw Kaoru's cards.

"Can I get a picture?" I asked, letting a giggle rise up in my throat at the prospect of him kissing Kei on the cheek. His hand was only three of a kind, something much lower than a straight flush.

Kaoru's face went blood red. I had never seen it happen before, so I was reaching for my phone on the dresser to snap a picture and remember the moment. The only time I had seen his face the slightest bit red—tinged pink, really—was when I told him to drop the honorific on my name.

"N-no." Kaoru said. Stuttering too? Oh, god. Why didn't I think of this sooner?

I couldn't reach my phone, so I gave up and just turned towards Kaoru.

"Kaoru I've never seen you so flustered." I said. "Are you gay? I won't judge you if you are."

"I'm not gay." He mumbled while shuffling the cards back into the deck. I didn't say anything else, but I knew Kaoru was procrastinating. He took his time shuffling. He 'accidentally' dropped a card and took forever picking it up. Then he kept shuffling the cards for longer than a couple of minutes, much more than was needed.

I took a deep breath.

"KEI!" I yelled. Kaoru's head snapped up as cards flew into the air. They landed in the floor and I almost chuckled at how disheveled he was.

"You're seriously making me do this?" He whisper-yelled as footsteps echoed throughout the house. His eyes were pleading for me to change my mind. I thought back to what I had to do, and the fact that he freaking kissed me while I was there, and I decided to be relentless and unmerciful.

"Yes." I said, looking him square in the eyes.

Just after I said this, Kei burst through the door, his breathing somewhat ragged, his face full of worry. But it changed to one of annoyance when he saw Kaoru sitting on the bed.

"Are you okay?" Kei asked, turning his attention towards me. I nodded my head yes.

"Don't be mad at me." I said, then looked at Kaoru. "But…. I kind of included you in a bet."

"You're gambling again?" Kei asked, his voice sounding exasperated. "Didn't you lose last time?"

"Don't remind me." I said.

"Don't include me in your misfortune, Sachiko." He said. For whatever reason, and even though I knew he meant with gambling, my stomach dropped and I felt a sense of dread.

"Too bad." I said, then gestured for Kaoru to stand, pushing the feeling into the back of my mind. "And it isn't my misfortune. I won."

"What is he even doing here?" Kei whined. I could see the nerves on his face. He was scared about what might happen.

"I invited a friend over since you and Kyoya were so busy working." I heard the spite in my own voice, and nearly shook my head. I wasn't going to get upset about that, at least not right now. Kyoya would tell me when he was ready, right? Wouldn't Kei?

"All you have to do is stand there and look pretty." I continued, putting those thoughts way. "So, Kaoru?"

Kaoru didn't stand. He still had his ass firmly planted on the bed. He wouldn't look at Kei, who was shifting his weight from foot to foot, caught somewhere between glaring at me and contemplating running away. I felt so evil in that moment and I loved it.

"Kaoru~" I sang his name.

"Sachiko, please." He said. "It's one thing to kiss you or Haruhi or my brother on the cheek but Kei?"

"Wait, what?" Kei's voice rose an octave. Could these guys not handle a little kiss on the cheek? "No, no. No. Bye."

He turned on his heel and started leaving the room.

"It's not that big of a deal." I said, sticking my bottom lip out and looking down. I could care less if it actually happened, but I wanted to get back at Kaoru. And Kei… He…. He could deal with it. "Please, Kaoru?"

I looked up at him through my eyelashes. I knew what I was doing. I hadn't done it before, but I had seen numerous people do it before to get what they wanted. Kaoru had a soft spot for me, right? This should work, in theory, that is. In my mind it was working.

"For me?" I asked.

His eyes looked from me, to Kei—who had paused in the doorway—and then back to me, his eyes softening and his lips parting ever so slightly. I saw him release a shaky breath.

And then he deadpanned a, "No."

I looked back up at him normally, abandoning the puppy eyes, my face resetting back to its neutral state. I heard Kei leave the room, his footsteps echoing down the hall. Kaoru lost; shouldn't he have to do it? If refusing small punishments was possible then I would make sure to protest one of his. Not that I would lose, but it wouldn't hurt to be prepared.

"Fine." I said. "You have to go run twenty laps around the entire house. Outside. No short cuts."

His eyes widened. "Kei!" He yelled as he got up from the bed. I felt a smile twitch on my lips as he nearly stumbled out the door. So a kiss was better than having to run twenty laps around Kyoya's large house? I should have threatened him with exercise earlier.

But as soon as he left the room, the smile fell from my face and I felt my shoulders slump forward. It was so much effort having to keep up a front, especially in front of those who knew you fairly well and could tell when something was off in your actions.

Playing card games with Kaoru was great, and it did distract me, but it didn't get rid of the heaviness. It didn't even do anything to lighten the load. How much longer would it be there? I wanted it gone. But I didn't deserve to be rid of it.

I leaned my head back against the headboard of the bed and let out a sigh. The cards were still in the floor from where Kaoru had dropped them, a few stray cards in my wheelchair next to the bed, but I couldn't pick them up. I couldn't move. Such a simple task, and I couldn't do it.

"No!" I heard a voice, more specifically, Kei's frantic voice, carry through the walls and the open doorway. "Let me go!"

"Just get it over with!" Kaoru raised his voice back, and moments later, I saw Kei being dragged into the room by Kaoru. Both looked a bit disheveled.

And then, faster than I could react, Kaoru planted a very, very, quick and light kiss on Kei's cheek. Kei shrunk back, his hand going to his face, wiping, as Kaoru rubbed his own lips with the back of his hand. I giggled at the two of them, but my mood hadn't changed. I actually kind of couldn't believe that Kaoru had done that. I didn't think he would.

Kei left the room, grumbling something about a flower pot, a balcony, and an accident. Kaoru started picking up the cards that were in the floor, his face aflame. If someone happened to walk by at this point and looked at Kaoru, they would never guess that he was a host. He looked like someone who had just had their first kiss with how red his cheeks were.

"Payback isn't going to be fun, Sachiko." He mumbled, picked up an ace of diamonds and putting it in his hands. I raised an eyebrow. Just what was he planning to do?

"I'm so scared." I joked, rolling my eyes. He looked up, the redness still dusting his cheeks. But then a smirk spread across his face, and I felt my heart drop.

I was so screwed.

§

Kaoru had left. We played seven rounds before his brother texted him asking for his help. I won the first, third, and sixth. He won the second, fourth, fifth, and seventh. He won the majority. I wanted to play another two rounds, just to win, so I wouldn't have to do what he said for an entire day, but he had to go.

My previous statement still stood.

I was so screwed.

His little punishments were manageable. He couldn't do much, because I couldn't walk, but he still managed to make it challenging. Not hard, but challenging. The worst one, however, was when he made me eat. It made me upset that he had done that, that someone had told him I wasn't eating much, but I complied. The rice tasted like ashes, but I ate it.

The second worst punishment was watching as he tore a page out of a book. It wasn't my book, but anytime a book was harmed I felt my heart squeeze. He actually did it too, one of the smaller, shorter, books, but it was still a book nonetheless. I had watched in pain as the crisp, white page fell to the ground.

The last punishment was the easiest. It wasn't even a punishment. He had kissed me on the head and then left. It was just something that had happened in a brief second.

I looked at the playing cards that were stacked on the bedside table next to me. I had forgotten to thank him for letting me take some of his time.

I didn't dwell on it. It was just another mistake to pile onto my already mountain high stack. There were so many little things I wished I could take back. There were so many things I wished I could have said. But, there was no point in thinking about that now. The past was in the past.

I wanted to look out the window. I could see out of it a little from the bed I was sitting in: the sun setting, a few trees with the prettiest green leaves. I was on the first floor, of course, but I wanted to get a better idea of my surroundings. I didn't like not looking outside. I was getting sick of it. It was starting to suffocate me.

So, I shifted my weight to the edge of the bed. Slowly, but surely, I edged to the end. If I played this right, I would land on my right leg (My hip had healed since it had been popped back into place and the soreness was gone.) and from there I could hop to the window and sit in the window seat. In theory, much like the puppy dog eyes, that should work.

I slid off and put all of the pressure from standing on my right leg. It wanted to tremble from where I hadn't used it in a while, but I was restless. I wanted to move.

I took a deep breath before I took the first jump. Swinging my left arm back and then forward for momentum, I went as far as I could. The impact was jarring and loud; my hip was screaming at me. It was popped back into place, of course, but it still ached every once in a while. Plus, I hadn't put any pressure on it, so I was giving it a pretty nasty shock by jumping.

I steadied myself, took a deep breath, and then jumped again. I grit my teeth as the landing hurt more this time. Something on the shelf swayed and threatened to fall, something that looked fragile. I held my breath as I watched it teeter back and forth. It was like watching someone standing a cliff, fighting to maintain their balance. It was just as stressful too, because that vase looked really important. Really expensive.

Just as I was about to release the breath I was holding as it seemed to settle into place, it fell to the ground with a shatter that sounded too loud in the once silent room. I winced. Two thoughts were passing through my head: I'm so screwed, and I need to clean that up.

Logic told me I couldn't clean it up, that it would be a waste of my time trying to do so, but I didn't want to bother the maid anymore. Surely she had her own life to take care of. I couldn't monopolize her.

I would just put the shards in a pile and make it easier for her to clean up tomorrow. Yes, I would do that. I could at least do that, right?

It was only one more hop before I could slowly lower myself and then pick up the shards. It would be easy. I could do it. I could do it.

But after the hop, I lost my balance. Panicked and terrified of falling into the shards of the vase, my left foot slammed onto the ground, my broken toe aching and my leg pleading at me to sit down. My breath was taken away and stars danced across my vision as I felt something in my leg tear. Probably the stitches.

I ended up falling backwards onto my butt with a thud anyway. I didn't land on the shards, but right next to them, rather, my left hand planting itself on the ground out of habit. With all of my aching injuries I gave up and laid down in the floor, a shaky breath coming out of me.

I couldn't even clean up a vase I broke. I couldn't even tough it out and endure the pain I deserved. I couldn't do anything.

All I did was read or stare at the ceiling, forcing the feeling of cold metal resting against my fingers out of my mind. To get the feeling of that hammer coming down on my toe, cracking and shattering the bones there, as far out of my head as I possibly could.

Kyoya wouldn't even talk to me anymore. Kei barely spoke, and when he did, all he wanted to talk about was what happened. Why couldn't we talk about what we needed to do next instead of dwelling on right now? And if that was what they were doing, why couldn't they include me too? Why were they isolating me?

I just wanted to do something right. I just wanted to make the people around me proud. Was that too much to ask?

For a murderer, it probably was. Murderers didn't make people proud. They made people look at them with a disgusted expression, their skin crawling. They were isolated. They were ignored because they were less than human.

The door to my room opened. I didn't look up to see who it was. One of the people who worked there probably heard the crash and wondered what happened. They could see me like this for all I cared. They could completely ignore me for all I cared.

But then, Kyoya's worried face came into my field of vision.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." I said, heart skipping a beat. He was finally talking to me, but why? Was he going to tell me what he had been working on? Or did he just want to protect his precious investment?

"No, you aren't." He said, crouching next to me as he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. He looked so concerned I almost believed it.

"Don't tell me how I feel, Kyoya." I pinned my eyes at a spot on the ceiling.

"You're guilty."

I swallowed. I felt like my stomach was going to go through the floor.

"What makes you think that?" I asked, turning my eyes to the right, looking at the dark shards of the vase rather than him.

"I asked my guard how you were found." His voice had taken on a softer tone. I felt my blood go cold. "He said you were found next to the body of a woman, her blood pooling around both of you. He said that he wasn't sure, but he thought you had killed the guard that had attacked her."

I mustered every bit of strength I had and sat up. I took a deep breath, focusing on getting the lump in my throat to go away, focusing on getting my eyes to stop burning, but they didn't.

"Did you kill the guard, Sachiko?" He asked, now closer to behind me. I felt his hand on my left arm, supposedly reassuring, but it just made my heart beat erratically. It made me more uncomfortable. And his words... God. His words. If I didn't tell him he would know I was lying. He likely already knew the answer, and just wanted to know what I would tell him.

"She had a family on Chishima." I said, my voice already shaking. "She willingly hid me, because I'm Sachiko Akahoshi, great princess that will once again bring prosperity to the kingdom. Or, at least, that seems to be what everyone thinks."

I took a moment to recollect myself, or at least I tried to, but I failed as the gunshot rang through my mind and the sound of her still warm body hitting the floor followed.

"I was sitting behind the counter when she fell. A mother. He took someone's mother away."

Kyoya's hand hadn't moved. He hadn't said a word. All I could hear was his steady breathing.

"I just… I got so mad, Kyoya." My voice sounded thick as my stomach churned. "I didn't mean to, but by the time the fight was drawing to a close, he had me pinned. I couldn't walk. I couldn't kick him off. So I slipped a knife between his ribs."

My breathing was harsh.

"I killed him."

The resistance of tissue and muscle, the scraping of bone.

"I killed him."

The nightmares that followed. Him, drowning in his own blood.

"I killed him."

Because of my weakness, and because of my useless self, I started to cry for the second time that day. Kyoya didn't move. Didn't say a word. Why was he still here? He knew, he knew that I was a monster. He should have been repulsed by me. I was repulsed by myself.

"Aren't you going to leave?" I asked, looking down at my left hand that was in my lap. "I was covered in the blood of someone I killed. Doesn't that disgust you?"

His hand left my arm as he stood. Something inside me cracked.

Alone. This is the life you're going to live, Sachiko.

But then he stepped in front of me, and sat down on the floor, his legs crossed, wary of the shards of the vase. I eased, just a bit, but I was still terrified he would tell me off for doing such a horrible thing.

He reached for my hand. My left one. His fingers brushed mine and I pulled back. He didn't need to touch that hand, the hand that delivered the final blow. I didn't want him to.

"Sachiko." He said my name softly, almost as gentle as a caress, as he reached for my hand once again. This time, I didn't move. I sat there, as still as I could possibly be, my chest nearly hurting from how hard my heart was beating against it.

His other hand came forward and went towards my brace. He took it off, slowly, as if I were going to attack him if he went to fast. Silent tears streamed down my cheeks, fear thrumming in side of me, alive and wanting to kill me. But I let Kyoya do what he wanted.

He slid my brace off and set it on the floor next to him. I could feel him looking at me, wanting me to look him in the eyes, but I couldn't. I looked down at the space between us.

And then, gently so he didn't hurt my wrist, he intertwined his fingers with mine.

"Look at me."

"I can't." My voice was strained.

"Sachiko, please."

I shook my head no.

But, after a moment passed, I looked up at him. My breath was nearly stolen. He didn't look disgusted. He didn't look repulsed. He wasn't pitying me.

"You need to understand something." Kyoya said, his gaze unwavering. "You are not a bad person. You are not less than human. You are not any less deserving because of what happened."

A fresh set of tears flooded my eyes.

Kyoya.

"You are, however, stronger because of what happened. The man had killed someone without hesitating, and he was going to kill you. You had no choice, Sachiko."

Kyoya.

"You had no choice. And because of that, you did what you had to to survive. For that woman's daughter. For Kei's father. For them and the rest of the kingdom. So, no. I'm not disgusted by you. I don't think you're any less than what you were. If anything, I admire you that much more. You did what you had to, and you still feel completely guilty about it. Even though he was the enemy."

Kyoya.

"I'm not going to leave. You don't have to worry about that. I care about you too much to leave you alone when you need someone."

"Then why?" I asked. "Why did you leave me alone these past couple of days? What were you and Kei doing?"

He didn't hesitate to tell me, which surprised me. I didn't think he would want me to know. "We were looking for your birth father and trying to figure out what was going on in Japan. We didn't want you to worry."

Oh. That made sense. After what I had gone through, they had assumed I wanted to rest. That was reasonable, and if the roles were reversed, I probably would have done the same thing. But why were they looking for my dad?

"I can see now that you didn't want to leave your mind free, right?" He said. I nodded. "Come help us. If you think you can handle it, come help us. We could use you."

I could have kissed Kyoya in that moment. He saw; he understood. He was offering me exactly what I wanted. What had happened to the Kyoya that would always glare at me? What happened to the Kyoya that was constantly trying to find ways to undermine me? When I looked at him now, I saw no traces of the person that did that. Just someone that was sincerely concerned and was always there to support me.

I felt a smile, no matter how weak it was, spread across my face.

"I'd like that."

PARDON ANY TYPOS I'M HAVING DIFFICULTIES SEEING RIGHT NOW

anyway, hey. How are you? I'm good. Well, better than I was. Sorry about the late update, I was kind of in a slump, couldn't get out. Do you know I haven't read a book all year? Last year, at the start of February, I had already read ten. What is life anymore?

So, Sachiko. Complicated character. I was unsure about this chapter, because she felt so negative when I reread it, but I realized, why would she be positive? She just killed someone. She was tortured. She has very few people to lean on. That isn't really much to be positive about. I'm sorry if you didn't like her character, but this is just one step on the loooong journey to making her who I envision her to be in the end.

{review responses}

SpartanCoffee ~ I can't remember if I responded to your review last chapter, so I'll just respond to it again. I'm glad you like it. anD IT FREAKING PISSED ME OFF WHEN OHSHC WAS TAKEN OFF OF NETFLIX I WAS READY TO STAB SOMEONE

munchlax ~ Working on it, but I prefer to take care of my mental health before I try getting into a character's head

LMarie99 ~ THANK YOU SO MUCH! SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH HELL BUT WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER, RIGHT?

guest ~ Wow, thank you. I actually want to be an author when I get older, so I'm glad that I have an ability to make my readers feel.

{end of review responses}

I'm tired. Wowza.

I have to go figure out what I'm doing for the next few chapters. I really need to plan this out. This is likely why I have difficulties writing.

also, I hit two hundred thousand words? When did that happen? Thank you to everyone who has dealt with me for this long. I know I haven't been the most consistent with updating, so I'm sorry about that.

I have to go now, as in I have to go sleep.

BYEEEEEEEE