CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
ZHOU MI
Zhou Mi was not feeling very well over the past couple of days. Maybe because he suddenly realized something. He had held the card in his hands every time he would look by his bedside and then would think about calling it but he didn't want to. Just when he was about to reach for the phone, his heart would give a sharp pang against his chest and he would forget about it. Everything he was doing was wrong and he knew it but it was what seemed to ease the pain in his chest. It didn't help when he would look around his room and be reminded every day of what he was doing. Those pictures that still hung hauntingly on his walls. The ones on the counters gathering dust and the albums where they have not been touched in so long that their pages were sticking together like super glue. The gifts and cards that now resided in a stack in a corner. Zhou Mi thought about putting them in storage but then he would have to touch them and he didn't feel like it.
Well, then he thought of the attic. The attic was a place that resided easily in their home and if he wanted them back, if being a good word, then all he would have to do is walk right upstairs and gather them back together. It wasn't like he was ever going to see him again, alive that is. It wasn't like he was ever going to be able to talk to him ever again, let alone have a conversation. It wasn't like he was ever going to be able to kiss those lips and ease his heart, when they would never move back. Zhou Mi was falling apart and what he was doing to distract himself was not helping either. What was he thinking? What was going through his mind when he took up on Kyuhyun's offer to 'forget'? Because honestly, Kyuhyun wasn't helping anything.
And of course, maybe Kyuhyun had those moments when he made Zhou Mi seem like the happiest and luckiest person to ever be alive but it was never enough. Zhou Mi wanted more and he knew Kyuhyun was only doing that to cheer him up. To make the feeling better. He didn't love Kyuhyun, he never did but one thing he knew was that he was messing with Kyuhyun's heart. Kyuhyun was still blinded by love and he needed to lose it, break his heart for him to see everything. Kyuhyun was in love with someone else, you can see it in his eyes and he was not trying to hide it because he didn't know. You can see it most definitely in his eyes at the wedding. When Kibum came up to them and started talking about Sungmin. Zhou Mi didn't even want to go to the wedding at all but Kyuhyun kept insisting it would be the nice thing to do and he wanted Zhou Mi to come.
And the whole time he was there, he only thought of one person. He's always thought of him because that same person would keep him awake all night in his puddle of tears. His chest shaking terribly as he clutched his hand onto his shirt, crumpling everything and leaving wrinkles. His hair was always a wreck and his eyes were red beyond belief. Whenever he would wake up the next day, they felt heavy and it felt like he was squinting considering how swollen they would be. Those hands would shake while he turned on the sink to douse his face into the water for seconds at a time. It was cold, freezing and it gave Zhou Mi a headache but it alleviated the pain and the weight on his shoulders. The tips of his hair dripped with water while he wiped at his face. He would empty the sink and crawl into the cold shower, trying to silence his crying heart while his body shivered and body tensed. No matter what he did, nothing could help.
Some nights he would replay the conversation in his mind. Wondering why he didn't just go home with Henry. Made him stay just a few more minutes. What could he have done to make it where Henry was not in the situation he was in? What could he have done to bring back someone he had lost? Why hadn't he had visited Henry since the accident? Was it because he was afraid to face the true reality? Was it because he felt like it would become false hope if he had sat by his side and whispered words of encouragement to wake him up?
Zhou Mi sighed on his bed, only the bedside lamp on in the darkness. It was late and everyone was asleep but he did not care the least bit. Standing up, he walked over to the box in the corner and piled everything on top. He tried not to notice the cards, dried roses, gifts, love letters and photographs that smacked him across the face every time he looked at them. He wrapped his arms around the box and lifted it up, breathing heavily and wondering how it could be so heavy. He adjusted his legs, accidentally tipping the box to the side but catching it before everything fell out. He flipped his hair to the side with a breath and took a step back. Zhou Mi stopped when he heard a thump and a roll on the hard wood floor of his room. The sound echoed around the room and sounded as if a bomb had went off in the silent house of his. Looking around to see if anyone had heard him he heard a soft tune playing. It sounded familiar and after a few seconds, one the music had stopped, Zhou Mi froze. He gulped and placed the box onto his bed.
When he had turned his heart dropped. There in a slight glimmer of light sat the globe he had bought Henry so long ago. The little red and pink heart shaped glitter pieces fell back down as the silver shimmered in the light, pulled along with gravity as the shape of the globe sat upright on it's side. The globe was still it's heart shaped self, still had the words love written elegantly on the bottom. Zhou Mi walked over to it and picked it up, watching the glitter fall to the bottom as he held it up in the light. The tears started to pour when he saw the picture inside. It was the picture he had asked for them to put in the day he had it made. It was taken on their first date which was at their home theater. Henry wanted to try something normal for once and act like a true human being. Zhou Mi didn't mind. He loved it when Henry was being his curios self and wanted to explore the world that zoomed around him. And although Henry would be confused about some things, he still found them interesting. That was what made Henry so special in every shape and form. The smell he had on his clothes that Zhou Mi would spend hours breathing in. The smile that he had when he happy and how his cheeks would puff out when he was pouting. The way his eyes lit up in the weirdest of moments. Every was amazing in every way. That was what made Zhou Mi miss him the most.
When he turned the globe around, he read the words 'Zhou Mi & Henry Forever' on the back with the intertwining rose petals that caressed each word with love. Zhou Mi covered his mouth with his hand and tried to stop the tears. He was never able to give the globe to him.
That was when Zhou Mi gave in. It was the moment that he was going to do what his heart wanted him to do. Clutching the globe close to him, he grabbed his cars keys by his bed and a jacket, sniffling when he walked out of the house. He hopped into the car and placed the globe onto the passenger seat, twisting the key into the ignition and backing out of the lot. He didn't know why he was doing this. It was like, just seeing memories drove him to the edge and made him break. Zhou Mi was giving in and now realized that the pain was going to be unbearable, yes, but he needed to give it Henry. Give Henry was meant so much to him.
Since it was late at night and they was no one out, the drive was easier and he zoomed past all the cars. He quickly parked in front of the hospital building and walked into the building quickly. The card was still in his hand and he handed it over to the lady that looked at him with wide-eyes behind the counter. She might have thought that he looked a little scary considering the fact that he had just cried his heart out. She motioned him towards the elevator and told him it was on the sixth floor in room 320. He thanked her and walked over to the elevator. You could tell he was agitated considering the fact that he pressed the button more than five times- as if that was going to make it go faster. His heart pounded hard against his chest and he could feel his vision turn blurry while he started to feel a little light headed.
He walked down the long hallway and stopped in front of a door that read 320. What if it was the wrong door? What if he wasn't in there? What if all this was a lie? A dream? What if Zhou Mi walked in and would never be able to leave? What if he left and was no longer in love? Was that possible?
Time slowed as Zhou Mi twisted the handle and pushed open the door. He could smell the fragrance of roses and a constant beep in his ears. His foot tapped lightly on the floor as he turned towards the bed. He inhaled sharply and let go of the door as it closed shut behind him. His heart was beating frantically as each beat intermixed with the beat of the heart monitor. A heart that was still beating and alive. Zhou Mi wondered if the heart knew he was there. Wondered if it would beat for him a few more minutes. Slowly, he walked over to the bedside and cleared his eyes with a swipe of his hand. Taking in the male he had fallen in love with four years ago.
Henry looked different. He had scars and some visible cuts on his face that had healed over the past months. His body was still recovering and he looked as pale as ever. His eyelashes were tangled and his lips were dry. Henry's light brown hair was brushed nicely, probably from his mother. They had called Zhou Mi once, asking if he was ever going to visit Henry. He never called them back. Mostly because he did not want to see Henry but here he was now. Standing next to him and he could faintly smell his smell.
Zhou Mi turned around and shuffled a chair next to the bed. He sat with both his hands in his lap while he held the globe in his hands. They were starting to become sweaty and he didn't know what to do, let alone say something. So he reached out with his right hand and placed it on top of Henry's, mixing their fingers together as best as he could. "Henry," he whispered hoarsely. He choked out a couple more tears as he lied his head on the bed next to him, letting them soak onto the sheets. "I miss you."
Zhou Mi held Henry's hand close to his face and kissed it lightly, his lips wet from the salty tears. "I need you. I need you to come back to me, please." Zhou Mi begged while he held onto his hand tighter. Nothing changed. Henry didn't stir, he didn't blink of show some sign that he knew Zhou Mi was there. The beating stayed the same but Henry felt warm. It was the kind of warmth that made Zhou Mi want more and want to hold him close. "Look," Zhou Mi said, pulling the globe out. "I made this for you." He pulled his hand away and twisted the key on the bottom until it stopped. The room filled with sweet, bubbly music between them. It was still the same 'I'm Your's' by Jason Mraz. Henry's favorite song. He sniffled while the song played aimlessly around them, sounding duller than it should have. The tune started to sound empty, lost and broken like it was being played right from Zhou Mi's heart. "Please," he whispered, falling back onto the bed.
Zhou Mi was alone. Henry was always going to be in a coma. He would never wake up and Zhou Mi felt like giving up. He felt like this was the end of his world and that he was no longer going to be happy. He was never going to experience love again, especially if it was not with Henry. Zhou Mi was a cheater, a liar and deserved this. He deserved to be punished for what he had done. Besides, the only thing that could make him feel better would be if Henry forgave him but that was never going to happen. Henry was never going to wake up. People in comas would never wake up for years, sometimes never. They sometimes forgot what had happened before of forgot everything altogether. What if Henry did wake up but forgot Zhou Mi? Forgot everything they had together? What would he do?
"Henry, my Mochi," Zhou rasped out, holding Henry's hand close to his face. "Please. I need you." He repeated. "Everything I do, everything I see, smell or dream about is always about you. It pains me…"
Zhou Mi coughed and felt his heart cry out in pain every time he breathed in. "Come back to me. We were supposed to be together forever and you promised me. You never break your promises. You can't do this to me Henry, you can't leave me alone to live a life I only wanted to share with you. It's not fair. You have my heart, you have my soul, you have every part of me. Just don't leave me Mochi." Zhou Mi cried, running his hand through his hair roughly. The globe rolled from his hands and onto the soft bed, shaking the glitter inside while Zhou Mi cried. Cried his heart out for the umpteenth time. He's wondered why he hasn't stopped and where all these tears are coming from. You'd think that after crying so much it would end, but no, not for Zhou Mi. He loved Henry too much to ever stop crying for him.
"Could you ever be able to forgive me?" Zhou Mi asked, a constant ring in his ears. He was so lost in his own world that he didn't see the bustle of people in the room. When he finally breathed in, sound filled his ears. Arms wrapped themselves around his body and helped him out of the room. "Wait!" He called out. "What's going on?" He asked. He looked around the room and noticed the constant beat of the monitor was just a straight line. It had no rhythm, it had no beat. It was over.
The glitter, the little red and pink hearts fell to the bottom of the globe finally, one by one. As the tune that played from inside finally stopped with the last few clicks of the notes. The song was over. Their song was over.
Zhou Mi fell back against the wall, crying even harder than before while people shuffled in and out of the room.
He took that as a no.
Zhou Mi didn't stay long after that and if he did, it was to leave. When he arrived home, the lights were on and his parents instantly about his whereabouts. Zhou Mi grabbed the flower vase and threw it across the room. His father tried to stop him but Zhou Mi just fell to the floor, chest heavily breathing. Somehow, his mother knew what had happened and walked out of the room. Zhou Mi's father helped him up to his room after that but once Zhou Mi saw the box on the bed, he closed the door and kicked the box to the side. Pictures and items falling everywhere all over the floor. He pushed all the books off his shelf threw them to the side, room destroyed.
This couldn't go on and Zhou Mi wouldn't do it. Then an idea popped into his mind, he grabbed a pen and paper and cleared off his desk, shaking as he wrote every word with sincerity. After, Zhou Mi gathered whatever he could in his messy room and drove over to Kyuhyun's house. He was done. No more. He walked right up the door and knocked, hearing the faint sound of 'coming'.
Kyuhyun opened the door with a smile until he saw Zhou Mi's face. "Mi, what's wrong?" He asked, closing the door behind him.
Zhou Mi sighed and thrust the bag of items into Kyuhyun's arms. "We're done." And he turned around. Kyuhyun blinked while he stood still for a moment until he dropped the items and ran after Zhou Mi.
"What do you mean?" Kyuhyun asked.
"It's all my fault," Zhou Mi whispered to himself.
Kyuhyun tried to grab Zhou Mi's hand to pull him back but was tossed back. He had never seen Zhou Mi so aggressive towards him and it was kind of, creepy. The way his pupils were dilated and black. His hair was a total mess and his clothes were wrinkled. You could faintly see him shaking, body and all.
"Don't touch me!" Zhou Mi whispered, his eyes red and blurred by tears. He watched Kyuhyun gulp and take a step back. "This 'relationship' is over. I can't take it anymore!"
"What are you talking about? I love you and you're telling me you never loved me? You can't just end the relationship. If anyone's going to end it, it's going to be me!" Kyuhyun spit.
"No!" Zhou Mi snapped. "You just don't get it Kyu, do you? I should have never dated you!"
"If you leave me Mi, there's no one else out there. I'm the only person that loves you and that is by your side. That boyfriend of yours is never going to wake up."
Zhou Mi nodded. "That's right because he's dead. And it's all my fault!" He cried. "I was just there" Zhou Mi looked up at him.
"W-what?" Kyuhyun asked. He took a faltering step back and looked at Zhou Mi with wide eyes.
"Exactly. I'm not doing this anymore Kyuhyun. This is the last time we will ever see each other, remember that. Don't talk to me at school or even look at me." Zhou Mi turned around and walked to his car. He was shaking and he couldn't do this. All he knew was that he was doing the right thing. "Also, I'm Zhou Mi, Kyuhyun. I'm no one else, you need to realize that."
"What do you mean?"
"Just, look through the stuff yourself. Maybe then you'll understand why I'm returning these gifts to you. Maybe then you could find yourself Kyuhyun…because your lost. I'm lost and neither of us love each other."
"You can't just leave!" Kyuhyun screamed, tears stinging his own eyes.
"Just watch me," Zhou Mi said. He closed the door and sped away, wondering how he was going to live now. Everything he loved was officially gone. He was alone now and there was nothing he could do.