IT FEEDS ON NOODLES
It was a seemingly ordinary day as a few small clouds passed over the suburbs of Philadelphia. Nick was enjoying a famous Philly Cheese Steak and chowing down into it as he, Gaz and Dib all sat together at a carnival, eating tons of disgusting snack foods.
"First things first…how did your trip to outer space go? See any ALIENS?" Dib asked eagerly.
"I did, yeah. Star Command was really very nice. Unfortunately they didn't have any info on what happened to this reality's version of me, even though according to your Dad I headed off in their direction on the far right side of the Milky Way."
"Okay. Secondly…did you have to get the footlong?" Dib asked Nick as the guide kept chomping away. "I mean…look at all that CHEESE!" He remarked.
"Don't go sassin' my cheese." Nick snapped, mouth half-full. He put the foot-long Philly Cheese Steak down and held up a little list. "On my "Priorities" list it goes "Saving the World, Cheese…er…"
Very visibly, Kelsey Hawkins name was imprinted under "Cheese". Nick nervously erased it and then went back to listing the priorities. "Keeping my teaching job, staying fit, getting a car, punching out House MD and getting ahold of a megaphone. So cheese is number two. Got it?"
"Where are WE?" Dib asked.
"You're included in number one. But don't mess with number two, okay?" Nick asked.
"For me, Game Slave 2 is MY number two." Gaz spoke up, a can of "Poopsi" in her hand. "I'M number one."
"Uh…you sure are?" Nick offered.
Gaz sniggered at this. Meanwhile, a disguised Zim was walking with GIR through the carnival, looking at the many booths for food. Or, he HAD been looking at the many booths. He turned around to see GIR was raising a paw up to gesture at a caramel apple. The man behind the counter went "Awww" and handed him one. "Here ya go, little doggy!"
GIR took the apple and began licking it, obviously overjoyed. Zim sighed and headed to the booth as well. "I'd like a lollipop." He spoke up. "And…put a WIG on it." He added slyly.
The man at the booth nodded and held up a large, swirling, circular lollipop, then ran it through the cotton candy machine, making cotton candy swirl around it so that it looked like it wore a toupee. Zim handed the man some money and took the lollipop, grinning. "Ah, sweet, delicious snack foods. Perhaps not EVERYTHING about this planet is so depressing, GIR. It's moments like these that I somewhat ENJOY being here on this FILTHY planet!" He remarked.
"Uh…bark?" GIR responded.
"Ooh, you're LEARNING!" Zim said happily, slurping the cotton candy off his lollipop.
Nick looked up and sighed as he saw Mr. Michael White passing by, holding onto a large stuffed pink bear that was obviously for Kelsey Hawkins. Her ponytailed dark hair swirled behind her as White's pink eyes filled with laughter and Nick sighed in a mixture of sorrow and happiness.
"Look at her. Look at him. THEM." Nick said softly. "They're so…SWEET together. Like before…"
"That guy's been with Kelsey before?" Dib asked.
"The thing is, yeah. White is…my not so better half. His body is chaos in the form of a human, and he a sort of reflection of my own heart and soul. He's essentially my darker side, my "diabolical" self, the worst parts of me." Nick admitted. "He got brought into being when I exploded."
"You exploded?" Gaz remarked. "THAT'S interesting. How many pieces?"
"…they kinda…weren't able to find them all…" Nick admitted sheepishly. Gaz, however, found this even MORE interesting, and her eyes told Nick to go on. "Anyhow, while I was dead and off in a parallel dimension as a result, White was born into being and he started making moves on my girlfriend. Even though he's essentially only got leftovers from my own self, I get the feeling that spending time with her's allowing him to develop real feelings that aren't just based on whim…"
"Are you really alright with him dating her? I mean, he drinks, he smokes pot on the street corner, I've seen him ogling stuff at the newsstand…" Dib went on.
"He burnt down Hot Topic. For that, I blew up his motorcycle." Gaz remarked.
"Oh, that was YOU? The fireworks were a touch of GENIUS!" Nick told her. "Yeah, I'm okay with it. As long as she's happy, I'M happy."
"Well I'm NOT happy seeing Zim here at the carnival." Dib snapped, pointing at Zim, now sitting in the carousel across the way. GIR was puking out the side of a sleigh whilst Zim turned green. "There's got to be some way to get at him that I haven't tried…"
Then he saw some people approaching Zim…one of them was Sue. She motioned at Zim, apparently introducing him to the other young people who looked Zim over and smiled at him. Zim was a little nervous looking at them, but Sue just patted him on the shoulder, and he seemed to be comforted by her touch.
The first person Sue introduced Zim to was a brown-haired girl who had a FINE looking butt, strawberry-glittered lips and strong-looking arms and legs. The next person was a guy who had horned-rimmed glasses, a labcoat with the arms ripped off, big boots and a diamond stud in his ear. To his right was a nasty-looking girl with grungy hair, a pointed nose and she was twitching nervously. The last one was a young boy who was quite cute-looking, who had shortly-cropped hair.
"Meet Marian, Marty, Andy and Perry. They're all close to me. Like family, really!" Sue told Zim.
"Aw, Reel, thanks for being so sweet about us." Marty said, smiling gently.
"Reel?" Zim inquired.
"Yeah, Reel's my real name to be truthful. Sue's my last name." Sue told Zim.
"Boy, Sue sure is good with Zim." Dib remarked out loud..
Wat…
That was it, he thought to himself. Sue was good with Zim. VERY good. If he could get her on HIS side, she could coax Zim towards a guts-flying-everywhere fate! Dib rubbed his chin and then hopped out of his seat. "I'm…going to go get something to drink. I'll see you later!" He announced, waving goodbye to Nick and Gaz and heading for the carnival.
"What's HE up to?" Nick wondered out loud.
"Who cares?" Gaz announced. "Now get me some Fried Dough."
"On it!" Nick said, nodding his head and taking off for the carnival himself.
…
…
…
… Dib carefully approached the hall of Mirrors Sue had walked into and composed himself. "Okay, Dib…let's do this." He said, heading inside. He looked around at the various mirrors…some which showed his limbs splayed out ridiculously, others which made him look SUPER fat, another which made him look skinny…
"Sadly, not a single mirror is gonna keep your head from looking un-big." A voice called out.
"MY HEAD IS NOT BIG!!!" Dib yelled, waving his fists in the air. "Wait…Sue, is that you?"
Sue appeared from a doorway, leaning against it and smiling. "I can tell you want my help. What's the sitch?"
"Huh?"
"The situation. What have you got for me?" She inquired of Dib.
"What I've got is a plan to expose Zim for the alien menace he truly is…and you're going to help me!" Dib exclaimed, pointing at Sue.
Sue blinked. "Dib…you…" She put her hands to her chest. "You don't know how HAPPY this makes me!" She said happily, tears appearing in her eyes.
Dib blinked nervously, titling his head to the side. "What?"
Sue rushed forward and got on her knees, throwing her arms around Dib. "I was wondering when you'd want to join with me! Oh, I KNOW Zim's an alien and I've been waiting for you to ask for my help for so long!" Her sweet voice told him. She held his arms and arched back slightly, looking into his eyes. "I've got a plan to…a way for everyone to think of him as a menace and for YOU to be thought of us a hero!"
Dib's eyes widened. "You…do?" He asked.
"Yes!" Sue said, nodding. "You see, my friends…they know people who know people. Specifically…Vampires!" She grinned. "We've been in contact with a group of vampires who operate at night. We'll have one of them bite Zim…he'll become a vampire and then you'll be able to stake him right through the heart in front of everyone, exposing him as the evil being he is! Even if nobody sees him as an alien, they'll know he's a vampire when he starts sucking blood!"
Dib blinked a few times. "Well, a paranormal attack WOULD be a good idea…" He said, walking around the funhouse as he rubbed his chin. "But…I'd need to expose him during the schoolday, that would be the best time…probably right in front of school…and vampires don't do so well in sunlight…"
"There are three kinds of vampires." Sue spoke up. "Remember?"
Dib blinked, turning back to look at Sue. "How do you know that?"
"Oh, MARTY knows that stuff. He's a member of the Swollen Eyeball Network. He says his codename is Agent Chupacabra." Sue said, waving her hand in the air.
"OOOOOH." Dib's eyes widened, mouth forming a perfect "o". He'd HEARD of the legendary agent.
"There's three types, right? Dracula types, which actually turn into bats and have all the classic weaknesses, Phantasm types, which can only be killed by sunlight and who have pale complexions, and Nosferatu types, who are hardier than Phantasms and Draculas." Sue said. "What do you say? I'm sure the Nosferatu we know would LOVE to taste some alien blood."
Dib rubbed his chin. "Well…" He nodded. "Okay. I guess I can't go easy on Zim. Not anymore!"
"Good. I'll take you to the Nosferatu's lair." Sue said, nodding her head. "And relax, he doesn't bite…not CLIENTS, anyway!" She laughed, throwing her head back as lightning split the background behind her.
…
…
…
…night was falling as Sue and her friends led Dib to a large door that was situated at a warehouse of darkened steel. The words "Danger, High Gamma Radiation Levels" were printed on the door but Sue just smiled at Dib. "Don't worry, it's a fake. Mr. Frog bought it off the internet to keep unwanted people away."
Andy knocked on the door a few times, then did some quick rapping. The door swung open and a balding man with a reddish/brown moustache/goatee combination answered the door. He wore a dark leather jacket, studs in his ears and an army shirt. "You gots a job for me, I take it?" He whispered softly.
"As a matter of fact we do." Andy said. "Can we come in?"
Mr. Frog looked left and right as the sky turned a shade of dark blue. Then he nodded, allowing them to come inside the warehouse. As Dib stepped in he noticed the whole place was painted…there were symbols of the Zodiac all over, as well as strange script on the walls. Sumerian. Linear B. Hieroglyphs.
"It would make a lot more sense readin' if you got blind drunk, but you're only what, 10?" Mr. Frog croaked out, laughing. "Wouldn't want to break the LAWWWW." He sniggered as he sat down in a large plushy chair of red leather. There was a huge plushy bed to the right, and a big trapdoor leading downstairs. Dib guessed it was to his coffin…
Looking up at a chandelier, one of MANY that were hanging from the top of the warehouse, Dib gulped. "So, uh…I…" His throat felt parched. "I'm a little nervous about this…how exactly are you going to bite Zim and make him a vampire?" He asked.
"Well it's simple." Mr. Frog said. "Sue found out from your good friend Mr. Grey that Mr. Grey plans to take you all out to Chinese food tonight."
Dib blinked. "Oh, really? I do love Beef and Broccoli…"
"When Zim least suspects it…I'll bite him on the neck. In fact, I plan to get him when he's going to the bathroom to puke up the food that his alien stomach won't let him tolerate." Mr. Frog said, licking his lips and revealing sharp incisors which made Dib gulp. "He'll be an easy target."
Dib felt very hot…thirsty…hungry. "Um…do you…do you have anything I could eat or drink, it's kinda…humid in here…" He said, tugging at his collar.
"I've got some corn on the cob left over from the carnival. It's salty!" Perry said, holding up a corn on the cob on a stick. Dib was struck by how CUTE he was…he made Dib feel so at ease. "Here you go." Perry said, handing him the corn on the cop. "And here…"
He handed Dib a bottle. "Cherry cola. It's kinda strong though, don't chug it down!"
Dib didn't seem to care how very RED the cola was. He just bit into the corn, chewed it happily for a few times, then sipped the cola and let it go down his throat as Mr. Frog went on, with Sue and her friends standing behind Dib. "Don't you worry about anything, kid. We're gonna take care of this friend of yours. I've been meanin' to see what an alien's blood looks…and TASTES like."
"I don't feel so good." Dib groaned, covering his mouth.
"Yep, that'll be all that salt." Perry said as Dib turned green.
DING-DONG!
Zim approached his front door and blinked at the sight of Nick standing there. "Uh, what is it?" He asked.
"Get GIR. I'm taking you out to dinner tonight, remember?" Nick told him.
Zim frowned. "You are?"
"Yeah, you agreed to it, remember?" Nick spoke up. "I asked you nicely three times?"
"You lie…YOU LIIIIEEE!!!" Zim hissed, holding up an accusatory claw at Nick.
"No, seriously. I asked you three times and you said no. So then I got out this piece of paper…"
Nick held up a piece of paper. "And I asked you for your autograph…" Nick's eyebrows went up and down. "Rememmmmber?"
Zim's eyes went wide when he saw what had been neatly typed up at the top of the page. It was a contract…of him agreeing to go out to dinner at "Green Tea Restaurant"…with HIS signature at the bottom!
"You're INSIDIOUS!!!" Zim remarked. "I can't believe you'd trick me like that just to get me to bond with the Dib-stink, you hair-beast!...obviously you're more clever than I thought you were." He admitted.
"Well, a good teacher learns a couple things from the people he's supposed to be teaching." Nick informed Zim, nodding his head. "Now c'mon! You might actually like this!"
"No, no, no, nooooo!!!" Zim cried out as Nick dragged him out of his house. GIR poked his head up from behind the couch, squealed, then ran after him.
"GIR! Disguise!"
"Sowee." GIR said, rushing back into the house, going up the stairs…
SFX: Jeopardy Theme Music
Nothing happened for a little while. Then GIR bounded down the steps, dressed in his disguise and following the others, heading out the door.
…
…
…
…the jade green walls of the "Green Tea" restaurant had Chinese characters lining the very top, with large beautiful paintings of waterfalls, open plains and other pictures of China being shown off. One of them was the Great Wall, which got Zim interested.
"So…they built a wall…"
"Yep." Nick said, nodding his head. They'd ordered a "Sampler" for an appetizer.
"But…it DIDN'T keep people out?"
"Nope. The Mongolians ran RIPSHOD over them." Nick said, nodding his head again.
"HA! Foolish huuuuumans." Zim sniggered, covering his mouth.
Dib sat across from him, looking intently at him. Or rather, THROUGH him, seeing that Mr. Frog was sitting in the booth behind the one they were in…and his back was to Zim's. He turned his head and nodded at Dib as Nick looked at the menu and Gaz looked at GIR, who had stuck his chopsticks in his mouth and was pretending to be an ogre.
"Little billy goat!" GIR called out. "Gimme all your tacos!"
Gaz rolled her eyes and turned her head as the sampler dish arrived. Nick rubbed his hands and held up a stick of Teriyaki beef, biting into it. "C'mon Zim…try something!" He offered as Dib got to work on some Sweet and Sour chicken and Gaz helped herself to a chicken wing, with GIR slurping up the Soy Sauce that had been brought with the sampler appetizer order.
Zim nervously looked the food over, poking a bowl with his fork, then sighed and took the bowl. It had Lo Mein noodles in it, hot and steaming. He took a deep breath, then his fork dove in, lifting the noodles to his mouth…
Dr. Frog blinked in surprise, along with the others, as Zim let out a "MMM" noise. "Say, this is actually not too bad." He admitted, slurping the noodles up.
"Well noodles are a type of pasta. This stuff is basically a form of dough in brown sauce with some vegetables stirred in." He admitted, jabbing a fork at the Lo Mein. "Plus pasta's good for you. Got good carbohydrates in 'em, my brother downs pasta like it's his crack!"
Zim slurped up some more. "I'm going to order more of this human dish!" He announced. "You!" He shouted, pointing at a nearby waiter. "Bring Zim noodles! NOW!"
Mr. Frog swore in his head. This complicated things greatly. Oh well…Zim would have to get sick of them eventually, he thought out loud as Nick ordered dumplings and a large order of Beef and Broccoli for him and Dib to share, while Gaz asked for Mu-Shu Pork.
…
…
…
…unfortunately, Zim ENJOYED the noodles a lot. Time was passing. Soon they'd head back to their homes. Zim was continuing to slurp down the noodles, he was on his THIRD bowl and Nick was downing his fourth root beer and sobbing horridly as Dib tried desperately to comfort her.
"I know I want her to be happy but it hurts so MUCH inside…she's was one of the greatest things that ever happened to me…she came from my own world…there was so much I wanted to DO with her and…and now I'll never get to! I want her baaaaackk!" He sobbed.
"Uh…it's okay…it's okay…" Dib said, patting him on the shoulder, feeling VERY nervous about this.
"Whiner." Gaz remarked, rolling her eyes.
"The loons…can you hear the loons!?" Nick sobbed, looking up at the light fixtures.
"Yeah, I can hear 'em alright!" Gaz thought to herself, smiling broadly.
Mr. Frog was gripping his drink so hard and shaking so badly that the drink was spraying all over. At last he could take it no more.
"BLEAUGH!" He exclaimed, popping over the top of the booth and biting into Zim's neck.
"YEEOOOWWW!!!" Zim yelled as Mr. Frog ran out of the booth. "What on IRK!? FILTHY BITING BEAST!" He snapped. "Zim will avenge this insult!"
Nick blinked in surprise as he saw dark green blood ooze out from Zim's neck. "Uh, I think we'd better get you some band-aids…" He remarked, standing up.
"Nonsense, it's a minor bite wound. It does no harm to Ziiiim!" Zim insisted, putting his gloved claws to his neck. "It'll heal in a few minutes. No problem whatsoever!"
"Ew, it's drippin'!" GIR announced, pointing at Zim's neck as the blood oozed out onto the noodles like some sick sauce.
"…I have to vomit now." Dib announced, turning green all over again.
…
…
…
…well, they all headed back to their houses. Sue watched Dib and Zim get dropped off and smiled as she put her hands together. "Yes…sleep peacefully my precious." She crooned as she looked at Zim's house. "When you awaken…"
Her form rippled, changing as she smiled more broadly. "It will be among friends…"
…
…
…
…Zim rubbed his eyes as he headed for the kitchen. He had a STRONG desire for some leftover Lo Mein. GIR was fast asleep from what he could hear by the soft whispering that GIR did. He would hear mumblings about corn, weenies, burning things and lots and lots of talk about squirrels with big teeth.
Ignoring the usual whispering, Zim carefully snuck down the stairway and over to the refrigerator door. He opened it up and pale light shot out, and as he carefully looked around for where he'd put the Lo Mein, he couldn't see…couldn't see the shadows that appeared behind him. But as he closed the door she appeared to the side…Marian.
"Hello Zim." Marian said quietly.
"AAA!" Zim gasped, stepping back…right into Perry. "AAA! What are you doing in-AAA!" He gasped at the sight of Andy stepping forward from the hallway. "What are you all doing in my house!?! I'm so…EXPOSED!"
"Relax, Zim…you're with frieeeends." Sue's voice called out gently as she entered the kitchen, caressing GIR as the little robot lay in her arms. Zim felt himself calm down slightly as Sue motioned for him to sit at the table. He sat down as Sue stroked GIR like a cat, smiling at him. "You see, Zim…I've had my eye on you for a long time. And we're not so different, you and I. We both want to be noticed, we want to be important. And I know you feel slightly alone here on Earth. The thing is…I admire you greatly Zim…I worship the ground you walk on."
She put GIR on the table and stepped back. "And now I'm going to show you a little…surprise…"
She gently squeezed her breasts, smiling lovingly at Zim, and right before her eyes she changed…now she was a female Irken with a smooth head, beautiful pink eyes…she wore a large white t-shirt just like she normally did, but it had grown larger still. Her pants were gone, but the shirt covered up her extremities, and she had candy-cane-shaped antennae on her head. She giggled a little, covering her mouth with her gloved claws.
"I'm Irken, like you." She told Zim. "And a change is overcoming you, Zim…a beautiful change. And with it…you'll have power you didn't have before. You'll be able to fly. Your strength will increase. You'll never grow old…" She grinned. "But you must feed…"
The camera zoomed in on her zipper-toothed mouth as she spoke slowly. "On noodles…" She said erotically.
Zim gasped as he put two and two together. He felt his teeth, realizing he now had CHOPSTICKS in his mouth, like fangs…his skin had turned paler than normal and he ran to a nearby plate, looking at his reflection in the mirror and seeing that his eyes had turned slightly red.
But a feeling was rising in him. One of incredible power…and an insatiable appetite.
"I…need…NOODLES!" He proclaimed, his eyes glittering wildly as he licked his chopstick lips.
"You'll have them." Sue said. "And I'll have you. We'll be the perfect couple, Zim…you and I will take over the world…and nobody's going to be able to stop us…to stop YOU."
She giggled madly and Zim began to laugh, cackling evilly. Soon the others joined in as GIR nervously kicked at the air in his sleep, mumbling about how he'd like a big sausage.
…
…
…Dib tossed and turned in his sleep. He was dreaming…such a strange dream. He was in a dark abyss, but it was FILLED with corn on the cop. He was making a "corn angel" as he spread his arms back and forth, going up and down along with his legs. He smiled in a giddy fashion as he held aloft one sheath of corn and his jaws opened wide to bite into it…
"DIB!"
Dib awoke to see that he was biting onto Gaz's lamp…in her room. She frowned angrily as she turned to look at him, her eyes burning. "Dib, you have THREE seconds to explain why you're…" Her eyes bugged out. "What…happened…to your TEETH?"
Dib blinked. "What do you mea-oh…" He felt his teeth with his tongue…only they weren't teeth anymore. They were long nubs…of CORN KERNALS…
"That…this can't be…" He whispered. "Unless…that cherry cola…it wasn't cola they gave me…it was BLOOD…" He ran to the mirror in Gaz's room and looked at himself, placing his hands on his face, his skin now paler than normal. "I…I'm a VAMPIRE!" He gasped out. "A corn-eating VAMPIRE!" Then he blinked. "Wait…if I'VE become a foul, undead creature of the night that eats CORN, then…then ZIM must…"
"Woah." Gaz remarked.
"Woah what?" Dib asked.
"Your feet aren't touching the ground." She said.
Dib looked down and sure enough, he was floating up…up…and out the window!
"AAAA!" He yelled, clinging to the curtains of the window as he slipped outside. "Gaz! Help meeee!"
Gaz just went to the window and shut it tightly. Dib clung for dear life to the curtains, with the ends still sticking outside into the dark night as he called for Gaz to let him in. Gaz just smirked to herself, curled up in bed, and went back to sleep.
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…
…White gently brushed Kelsey's hair as they sat next to each other in the cafeteria. Nick was eating some leftover Chinese dumplings for lunch and had stopped dipping them in sauce to look left and right. "Where are Zim, Dib and Gaz?" He asked White. "Did you see them come in?"
"I only got eyes for this babe." White laughed, which made Kelsey giggle slightly.
"Aw, you're so corny in the cutest way!" She told him.
Nick sighed and held the dumpling up to his mouth…but the he noticed them coming in from opposite ends of the cafeteria.
Zim and Dib. Zim's claws seemed sharper and longer underneath his gloves, and his eyes were a darker shade of red than before. He licked his lips, showing off sharp chopstick-shaped fangs and hissed at Zita, making her shuffle away.
Dib's cloaked jacket now looked a lot like a cape. He put some sunglasses on his face and smirked, showing off some kernel-shaped fangs in his mouth as he put his hands in his pockets and walked down the cafeteria as the students close to him nervously gulped.
All of the students seemed more frightened and awed by the two today. They were darker…EDGIER…and Nick gulped. There was a terrible vibe coming from the two as they sat down at Nick, Kelsey and White's table, with Gaz joining them.
"Hello…DIB." Zim whispered softly.
"Hello…ZIM." Dib spoke softly back. "Nice new look."
"Yours is not that bad either." Zim said, shrugging. "Now…oh. Are those…dumplings…I see?" He inquired, looking at Nick's dumplings. He bared his chopstick fangs to Nick who frowned at him while Dib looked at the bag of cheesy popcorn White had to the side.
"Those are MY dumplings, tough guy. Now you back off or be prepared to wrestle." Nick said dangerously.
"Then PREPARE THYSELF!" Zim shouted, standing up and pointing tall. "Nobody shall deny ZIM of delicious Chinese goodness!!!"
He jumped at Nick and knocked him to the ground, snarling and hissing as Nick looked at him with a horrified expression. The two rolled around on the ground with Nick desperately trying not to HURT Zim yet still get him off somehow. Dib, meanwhile, had buried his face in the bag of popcorn and was gulping them all down while White frowned. "Hey, that's-"
"HISSSS!!!" Dib hissed, getting in White's face.
"Er…I mean, go ahead, help yourself!" White said nervously, sweat pouring down his brow. Dib went right back to scarfing down the popcorn while White frowned. "Kelsey, you might wanna book it and get going…"
"Get OFF!" Nick snapped, suddenly picking Zim up behind his collar and holding him up in the air. "Geez, what's wrong with you?"
Then he looked through the cafeteria and saw Sue was giggling at this. GIGGLING. Nick focused in on her and he put Zim down. "Fine. Take my dumplings." He said, stepping back. And letting a happy Zim scarf them down. "If you'll excuse me…"
He headed angrily towards Sue, stomping across the cafeteria so hard that footprints were deeply embedded in the floor. Sue "yelped" and quickly ran out of the cafeteria with Nick following behind her whilst White and Kelsey headed out the opposite direction…
…and so it began! The kids screamed as Zim and Dib tore up the cafeteria looking for more Chinese food and corn. Some kids had, in fact, brought Chinese food with them for lunch, and others had brought corny products. People screamed and panicked, rushing around the cafeteria, arms above their heads as they hollered and Zim and Dib scarfed down their respective dishes…
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…
… Nick raced down the hallway, which had it's overhead light fixtures flickering on and off. He frowned angrily as he turned left and right, calling out. "I know you murdered Jhonen and I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, Sue…I'm quick to anger and quicker to forgive, and perhaps that makes me stupid, but I'm not so stupid that I can't tell you've got something to do with this!"
"Oh, Nick…you think you're so smart…yet you're so ridiculously BLIND." Sue's voice called out. "You have no idea what I've been up to."
"I know that Zim seems FAR too at ease with you. He resists my efforts to get him and Dib to be friends all the time and I have to take this in stride. But everything YOU do he seems to adore! You did something to him, I KNOW you did!"
"So what if I did?" Sue laughed gently, stepping out into the hallway, holding up a blue Guncon, making Nick glare at her. "Yeah, I fiddled with his mind when he was out selling candy bars for the school fundraiser. The intense heat made his mind easily molded. Now my every word makes him feel happy and comforted…and I'll use that, along with my height, to make Zimmy-Wimmy my snooky poo!"
"What?!" Nick gave her a mortified look.
"Zim SO needs a girlfriend, don't you think? He's too married to his work!" Sue explained, shrugging. "So enter me…Relationship Sue!" She proclaimed. She squeezed her breast with her other hand and right before Nick's eyes transformed into a pink-eyed Irken. She grinned at him with her zipper-toothed teeth and licked her lips with her worm-like tongue. "It'll be AMAZING. Dib'll be my personal pet. Eventually he'll completely give into his corn-vampire urges and the only thing he'll be able to think about is getting more food…and the only way he'll be able to get it is thorugh ME. I'll OWN him…"
She then smiled wistfully. "Then Zim and I will destroy the city and take over the world. We'll get married in the burning rubble as the buildings crumble around us, he's gonna rock out with his c—k out and I'll jam out with my clam out and it's gonna be friggin' AWESOME!" She exclaimed, giddily laughing and giggling as she held her hands up and bounced 'round and 'round, making Nick blink in surprise. "I've always admired Zim since the moment I saw him…I knew he just needed a girl to get him to straighten up and be competent!"
"You're…you're…you're forcing him to fall in love with you! That's wrong!"
"YOU fell in love." Sue said simply, aiming the Guncon back at him.
"That happened NATURALLY. ACCIDENTALLY"! Nick said, sweeping his hand to gesticulate his point. "We started out as friends who really liked each other and came to realize we loved each other! You're not starting out as his friend, it's no "love at first sight" deal where your love's reciprocated…I wouldn't even mind if it you honestly DID love him and tried to work for his love, you're CHEATING by having him bent to your will! That's against the rules!"
"You're going to tell ME about breaking the rules? Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black!" Sue laughed.
"Everything I've done has been not for my own desires, but to help Zim and Dib and Gaz and GIR and all the others become better people. I've bailed them out of jams not because I wanted something from them but because they needed help. I'm PROUD of what I've done." Nick said. "And I'm going to cure them!"
"No…you won't." Sue said. "GUYS!"
Nick gasped as he was surrounded on all sides by the Andi, Marty, Marian and Perry. "Alright, Sues, hold him steady."
"You sick little!!!" Nick screamed. "I'll…I'll…"
"You won't do ANYTHING. You don't fight girls, do ya you little pussy?" Andi sneered.
"And you…sniff…" Perry's eyes welled up with tears. "You wouldn't hurt a little kid, wouldja?"
"…well…no…I wouldn't…" Nick admitted, nervously biting his lip.
"THAT'S what we were counting on." Marty laughed as Sue raised her gun and aimed…
…
…
…
…Dib and Zim were now sitting in Principal Prickley's office. The principal raised two files up to the light which had the words "Dibbun Membrane" and "Zim" on them. He took a deep breath, his moustache twitched, and he spoke.
"Dibbun Membrane. Four reports of stalking teachers out in the parking lot. You claimed they were satyrs. A complaint from one child that you harassed him by saying his dad was a Sasquatch. Several dozen complaints from Ms. Bitters that you're annoying, but we get complaints like that so often I really don't care anymore. She's been around for so long we've gotten used to it."
"How long has she BEEN here?" Dib asked.
"We built the school AROUND her 200 years ago." Prof. Membrane announced.
"And she still LIVES?!" Zim asked, looking confused.
"Yeah, you know Old Kid" Dib explained. "He's…189, I believe. By 300 it will be CRA-CRAK!" Dib gesticulated. "The end! Ain't my Dad's modern medical advances great?"
Zim mumbled something about being 158 years old and that he couldn't believe the Dib stink might actually outlive him, but Principal Prickley's words drowned out his mumblings to Dib's ear. "Zim, you've been written up for being caught in the hallways with suspect reading material…apparently you were drooling over "Insect of the Month". Also, you've been written up three times for demanding that people "obey the fist" in the cafeteria, and you're under suspicion for fiddling with Mr. Membrane's locker. Ultimately there haven't been any VIOLENT actions, so tell me…"
Principal Prickley turned around and slammed his hands down on his desk. "WHY DID YOU CONSPIRE TO DESTROY THE CAFETERIA?!?"
Dib and Zim immediately pointed at each other. "It was his fault!" They said at the same time.
"Well then since neither one of you can decide who is truly and solely to blame, I suppose I should punish you BOTH." Principal Prickley said, leaving the office.
Zim and Dib looked at each other, blinking. Then they spoke up. "It was GAZ'S fault!" They called after Principal Prickley.
…
…
…
…Dib and Zim groaned as they pushed a mop and broom respectively across the floor of the ruined cafeteria. There were scraps of food tossed everywhere, several tables had been broken in half, three light fixtures had fallen down and the walls had chair thrown into them. "This is YOUR fault." Dib snarled angrily, exposing his kernel fangs. "If you weren't here, I wouldn't have turned into a vampire and…"
He sighed. "No, this is my fault. What have I turned into? I sent that stupid Nosferatu to bite you and-"
"YOU sent that vampire after ZIIIIM!?!" Zim snarled. "I ought to…GRRR…" He clenched his fists and broke the mop over his legs. "We fought once before and this mess that we are being forced to clean up is a result of our desires to satisfy SICKENING urges! I can't believe I got on my KNEES to lick sweet and sour pork off the ground! And now I have to clean this like…like…" He shuddered. "Like a lowly service drone!"
"We've got to find a cure." Dib spoke up. "But…I don't know what that might be…"
"A fillerbunny." Gaz told them as she calmly stood in the doorway of the cafeteria. Zim and Dib turned their heads, their red eyes blinking.
"Wh-what?"
"What is this FILLERBUNNY you speak of, Gaz-beast?" Zim demanded to know, jabbing with an a claw.
"If you eat a fillerbunny you'll return to normal. I happen to know a thing or two about vampires." She said, smirking proudly. "You know what a fillerbunny looks like, it's that pink bunny thing with the sunken-in black eyes…"
Dib and Zim had the same thought bubble as an image of the fillerbunny appeared in their heads. "I think the school has one in the BIOLOGY room…" Dib realized out loud.
He and Zim turned to look at Gaz, then looked at each other, then at the far side of the cafeteria, to the doorway that would lead them out into the halls that led to the biology lab.
BGM: Chariots of Fire song
(The camera shows the empty hallways, then the biology lab at the end of the long hallway. It slowly turns around and waits a few moments, then as the pace picks up, it shows Dib and Zim running in slow-motion down the hallways towards the laboratory. It does a side shot of Dib's arms flailing above his head as he shouts "It's miiiiine" and Zim pants, tongue bouncing up and down out of the side of his mouth as he shouts "You wiiiiish" right back. After seeing this, the backside of them both is shown as they race towards the biology room, still in slow motion, arms outstretched to break into the room…)
SCHOMP!
A cop grabs them from behind and holds them in midair. "I'll teach YOU to break into school while you're in school!" He snaps.
"…wait, how does that make sense?" Dib asked.
CLONK!
THUMP!
In a few minutes they were tied to each other's wrists via handcuffs and being taken off to jail, both screaming with fury and hatred.
…
…
…
… "I don't believe it." Gaz shook her head as White and Kelsey sat in the Membrane kitchen room. Gaz was looking at the newspaper which bore the headlines "Freakish Thieves Nabbed In The Act" and showing a photo of Zim and Dib glaring at each other with a handcuff connecting them together. "They both went off to jail." She grinned. "Worked like a charm!"
"So you're the "anonymous tipster" mentioned in the newspaper?" White asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Serves them right for trying to pin the blame in the cafeteria on me." She remarked, shrugging.
"You sent your own BROTHER…to JAIL." White remarked. "That's kinda…low."
"They could DIE in prison." Kelsey agreed.
"I don't want them to die, just to get beat up a lot." Gaz insisted. "Of course…" She thought about it, making a thoughtful expression with her face. "If they DO die, who am I going to beat up? And also Dad would probably go insane with grief for at least three weeks, that's what happened with mom according to the papers. I don't think I can deal with him being locked in the bathroom, stark naked, screaming "She's Gone" until his throat bleeds."
"He'd probably be singing "Cats in the Cradle", actually…" White admitted.
"I HATE that song. You're right, we've got to get them out of jail…" Gaz admitted. "Nick can help, right?"
"…uh…no…" White admitted. "He's come down with a bad case of the dead and won't be able to help us out until he revives."
"Sigh. What would you people do without me?" Gaz said, rolling her eyes.
…
…
…
…"ATTICAAA! ATTICAAAA!" Dib chanted, clanging a cup against the walls of the cell he and Zim were being forced to share.
"Will you STOP that!?" Zim hissed. "I'm trying to get some rest!"
"I need to keep focused on getting the fillerbunny! If I let my mind wander I'll start thinking about food and I'll-I'll…" Dib's eyes got misty as he licked his kernel-shaped fangs. "OH, what I'd give for a good corn on the cob right-NOOO!" He banged his head against the cell. "I have to get out of here!"
"Ha! Pathetic human brain meats! Invader ZIM would never sully his thoughts with ideas of FOOD, not when there is freedom to be thought of!" Zim sneered. "Why would Zim waste time thinking of steaming hot pork dumplings, wrapped tenderly in fried dough and-AAAA!" Zim grabbed the side of his head. "The thoughts of Chinese food will not leave my brain!"
He immediately grabbed his own cup and banged against the cell gratings. "ATTICA! ATTICA!"
"No, we need a plan. We need…to make a riot!" Dib proclaimed. "That's how prisoners get attention paid to them…they riot!"
"But…we're in prison. Society no longer values us. And even if they DID, we are only two people." Zim reasoned.
"Yeah…but if we got the other prisoners to join in…" Dib reasoned right back. "THEN we'd have a successful riot on our hands!"
"You're a bunch of kids." A prisoner from across the hallway said. "We aren't helping you unless you help US first."
"Well…what do you want?" Dib and Zim ask.
FIVE…MINUTES…LATER…
"…lube, three chickens, a belly dancer and some bananas."
Dib and Zim's mouth had gone VERY wide and had fallen to the ground, unhinged. The two then held their hands up to their cheeks and made little cranking motions as their jaws slowly but surely put themselves back into place. '
"…let's do this ourselves." Zim suggested.
"Good idea." Dib agreed. "But let's never talk about what we're going to do, alright?"
…
…
…
…the entire cafeteria was painted in a pale, faded yellow as hardened criminal after hardened criminal sat together. They were real scumbags folks. People who would tape a MLB game without asking the manager of a team's permission…somebody who'd steal cell phone minutes from the satellite company…
"So what did YOU do, Joe?"
"Well, me and my wife got this puppy. Boy…she sure LOVED that puppy. Then I found out she was cheating on me. So I…TOOK IT BACK!"
"Ooh, that's EVIL!" Joe's buddy spoke up.
The entire prison block that was eating lunch at the moment was having beans and bread…and beans. And more beans.
Which meant…
PHHHBBB!
BBBBRRRBBBT!
BRAAAAP!
PHAABHBBBTTT!
FRAAAAP!
"Can we have some more beans over here?" One fat-looking man called out, his bald head glinting as he held up his plate.
"I think you've had ENOUGH." The warden gasped out.
Dib and Zim turned to each other. Currently before Zim was a pie. He didn't even LIKE pie though. They both a feeling they SHOULD like pie, but not even DIB liked pie it was Chicken Pot Pie or Pizza Pie of Shepherd's Pie…what he had before him was a thick Cherry pie…
Wait…PIE.
What could you do with a pie besides eat it?
Dib grinned, grabbed a chunk of pie in his fork and smiled to himself. He looked over at Zim and nodded, and Zim nodded back.
Lunch…is…SERVED, Dib thought, flinging it behind him with his fork.
KA-PLOGUH!
It struck a fat-looking, dark blue-eyed criminal across the face and he growled, standing up. "WHO THREW THAT?!" He demanded.
His eyes scanned the area and he immediately saw somebody was laughing at the sight of him being covered in pie. Picking HIM as the instigator, he launched a giant wad of sticky soup-like cream through the air…
They missed and hit a female criminal in the back, and her head slammed into her mushy pudding dish, sending pudding flying all over her friends in front.
"FOOD FIGHT!" Zim shouted.
FWOOSH!
Pudding, beans and pie were being flung everywhere. Zim dived under the table as a pie sailed through the air, striking the Warden in the head and he scrambled to the side, trying to hide under the table as well, cursing rapidly. A female criminal was hit in the head as a pulpy white mass of food struck her in the eye. She screamed and fell to her knees, screaming. "WHYYY! WHY DOES IT HUUURT?!?"
"HA-HA-HA-HA!" Another criminal laughed, grabbing chunks of meaty goodness and flinging it left and right with his arms…before he was hit square in the face, knocked on his butt and sliding into a pile of alien spaghetti.
Somebody got ahold of one of the large bowls of M&M's, and downed a large amount in a single gulp, then spat them out rapid-fire just as the guards entered the room, growling.
"Not on OUR watch!"One shouted, rushing forward…
BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA! He was struck over and over by the rapid-fired M&M's, knocked into a trash can, his legs flailing over the can.
"BWAAAAA!" Another screamed as one criminal jumped on top of him, dunking him in a big bowl of Jello and jumping on his head, over and over.
"I CAN'T BREATHE! I can't breaaaathe!" Joe shouted, his head encased in squishy goodness.
"Dude…it's JELLO." His friend Bubba spoke up, grabbing a chunk and slurping it up with his long, worm-like tongue.
"Oh!" Joe calmly remarked, and proceeded to suck his way to freedom.
One criminal had grabbed a huge condiment dispenser of mayo and was squeezing out "WARDEN SUZ0RZ" on the wall while another took a ketchup dispenser and was squirting "YOUR MOM WAS HOT LAST NIGHT". He was immediately shived in the back with a spork from an angry roommate.
PLORCH! Using a slingshot, somebody launched a large amount of whipped cream that struck the Wwarden in the face as he stuck his head out to try and make his way to freedom. He crawled around on the ground, desperately trying to find his way to the door. Somebody held up two large 2-liters of soda in each gloved hand and grinned, shaking them up before popping the top and shooting the contents over the cafeteria like a fountain.
"Let me tell you something about jail…IT BLOWS!" Another crook laughed, crawling to the nearby air duct and messing around with the controls of the air conditioning as he dumped a large amount of mustard into the vent and stood to the side, waiting. In a few minutes it POURED out through the anti-fire sprinkler system that normally sent out a foamy substance to douse any fires (not water, naturally) and…
PLOOOOSH! Mustard was sent over everybody, sprinkling them everywhere.
"It's MUSTARD!" The crook laughed. "You can't KETCHUP…cuz it's MUSTARD!" He giggled, rushing out the back door as everyone slipped around in the puddle of mustard, pudding, cream pie and soda.
"It's a MADHOUSE! A MAAAADHOOOOUSE!" Somebody cried, holding a tray over his head to shield him.
THWOOOSH!
Zim and Dib, who had been hiding underneath their table, saw a fillerbunny covered in gravy thrown right in front of them. They looked at each other, then grabbed for the fillerbunny and began tugging…
RRIIIIIPPP!
They tore it in half. Shrugging, they stuffed the bunny into their mouths…
PA-WHOOOOOOOM!
Instantly they returned to normal, their skin changing to a good color, their eyes going back, their claws and fingernails shrinking again. Even their BREATH got better!
"Ah…back to my beautiful Zimmy self." Zim said happily, placing his gloved claws on his chest.
"But how are we gonna get out of here?" Dib wondered out loud as a man covered in pie crust sailed overhead.
Then an announcement was made over the PA system. "ATTENTION. ATTENTION. WOULD DIB AND ZIM REPORT TO THE FRONT OFFICE IMMEDIATELY. GAZ IS HERE. REPEAT, GAZ IS HERE."
All of the criminals stopped fighting and turned to look at Dib and Zim. Then they immediately ran to the side of the cafeteria to get far away from the two, almost like the duo had caught the plague. Gaz truly was that infamous.
…
…
…
…as it turned out, the police had not read Dib or Zim their rights, and as such they were released back to the outside world. White calmly drove his fancy Ferrari down the freeway with the top down as the wind blew their hair back. Zim had to hold his hair down as best he could as White spoke up.
"Now I've been around to a lot of different worlds since I can manipulate the element of time with my chaos energy inside of me." White told them. "Time and space are mine to command. And what you experienced was a transformation into a "Lost Boys" style vampire. Unfortunately for you guys while eating a fillerbunny, even PART of one, cured you, there's still a threat. Sue is out there and she's out for you, Zim. She's sworn to make you her husband."
Dib shivered. "She's really experimented on herself?"
"Yeah. She's used magic to change her form into a half human, half Irken blend." White informed them. "Nick told me all he could after he staggered off to find me after being shot. But he still can't help us with these "Sues". I looked them up, they were on Star Command's files…all of them have powers. Sue's a crack shot who can draw a weapon from anywhere. Marian's an expert martial artist and no man can resist her charms. Andi's got incredible strength and endurance. Marty's a genius and a body builder in his spare time, and Perry has this "field" around him, a "cuteness field" that makes other people want to do what he asks them to…plus nobody, especially not Nick, has the guts to take him on."
"If Nick had just SHOT Sue when he had the chance…why didn't he use his freaky powers?" Gaz demanded.
"Hamma time?" GIR asked.
"No, GIR, it's not hammer time!" Zim snapped.
"My "other half" is a moron who doesn't fight girls or kids. Period. Now Relationship Sue is a stalker with a crush on Zim and she's the ringleader of Marian Sue, Marty Sue, Andi Sue and Perry T. Sue. They're all big problems and we need an EXPERT to figure out how to deal with them. Unfortunately the only one who knows how to kill them is…well…" White sighed.
…
…
…
… "So…you've finally come crawling to me to ask for help." Johnny the Janitor said, crossing his longs arms in front of his skeletal frame. His messy black hair was dripping with sweat as he smirked at Dib, Zim, Gaz, GIR, White and Kelsey. He flicked on the on switch in the janitor's closet they were meeting him at to reveal there were hundreds of knives, sharp objects and guns on the walls, all on racks. "I KNEW you'd ask me eventually, White. Didn't think it would be on SUES though."
"I'm LOATHE to ask you for help because you smell of blood, you don't bathe, and you're a disgusting murderer." White snapped. "I am a THIEF. I steal stuff. Nobody gets HURT."
"Well it's a good thing you DID come to me. To be truthful I've been aware of some very serious Sue activity in this town for a long time…world is often a haven for their types. As a matter of fact, I have reason to believe that your friend Nick is a kind of "Fixer Sue". As a general rule they're really one of the few Sues you can trust since they're only there to help you guys out and don't act on selfish whim. But if you want, I can kill him."
"He doesn't need YOUR help dying, since he keeps getting killed off by their shenanigans." White laughed. "We need you to tell us how to kill a Sue…"
Johnny rubbed his hands together. "You came to the right place!" He laughed. "Old "Nny's" gonna tell you all you need to know." He held up a knife and licked it in front of them. "They'll be dead before the week is out!"
"But first thing's first." Dib said. "Let's get that friggin' vampire who's blood I was tricked into drinking! Good thing I remember EXACTLY where he lives…"
HALF AN HOUR LATER…
"Well, maybe not EXACTLY…"
They'd all been wandering around the downtown area for half an hour and had so far been unable to find the warehouse that Mr. Frog called home in the warehouse district of Phildelphia.
"This is taking too long. Look there's about eighteen dozen warehouses made of colored steel, don't you remember anything SPECIFIC about the front?" White demanded to know.
"Well…" Dib rubbed his chin. Then, in a thought bubble, a sign with the words "Danger, High Gamma Radiation Levels" appeared in his head. "Ah! Yes, there was a warning sign on the door! About High Gamma Radiation Levels!"
White nodded. "Hold on."
FWIP!-FWOOOP!
He was gone and back in a couple of seconds. "Found it. THAT WAY." He said, pointing forward and to the right slightly at a blue-steeled building.
Sure enough, there was the sign with the words "Danger, High Gamma Radiation Levels" on it on a blue steel warehouse. Opening the door carefully, Johnny looked left and right, then turned to Dib. "You ready to kill your first undead freak?" He asked. Dib nodded and Nny grinned. "THAT'S more like it. But try to be cheery about it!" He insisted, licking his knife and handing Dib a silver stake. "First come…first STAKED."
"Leave the wit to the professionals, janitor." White remarked.
"Stuff it, "guidance counselor"." Nny snapped.
They approached the large trapdoor in the ground and Gaz opened it up. "Hmm. It smells funny." She remarked.
SFX: Foghorn blast
"PAAAUGH! It smells like the Snot Caves of Beeblebrox Nine!" Zim gasped out. "I never thought I'd smell that surging sizzling stink again!"
"Okay, got the stake?" Nny whispered as they climbed down into the dark recesses by using a ladder. There, at the bottom of the dark, slimey-walled pit was a coffin made of mahogany wood. Nny raised a finger to his mouth for them all to be quiet and they slunk over to the coffin, opening it up.
There he was, in all his balding glory…and flies were circling around in the air. He was at his weakest. Dib gripped the stake tightly and raised it up…
THA-THUNK!
It went straight into his heart and the vampire began screaming, baring his fangs and showing off feral eyes as gooey purple/blue blood sprayed everywhere and Dib screamed madly along with Zim, who reeled back. Gaz made an annoyed expression as the stuff covered her outfit and White calmly flicked blood off his hair as the vampire screamed horribly over and over before turning into a think, goopy soup that dissipated into the air.
"Now let's get out of here." Dib gasped, his heart pounding in his chest. "We gotta burn rubber."
"Burn rubber? OKEYDOKEY!" GIR said, grabbing Dib and Zim by the collar and lifting himself and the two up into the air.
"Burn rubber does not mean warp SPEEEEEEED!!!" Zim cried out as GIR said them out of the hole, out of the warehouse and into the sky.
…
…
…
…they'd all gathered together at the kitchen of the Membrane household as Nny sighed. "Well, unfortunately Plan A got blown. I was hoping the Sues would be there at Mr. Frog's place…I had thought it was their hideout as well."
"So what's Plan B?" Gaz asked.
"B is for Botulism!" GIR announced, pointing up at the sky.
"We don't have a Plan B yet and we need to come up with one in three hours!" Nny said.
"Why, what occurs in three hours?" Zim asked.
Nny's eyes narrowed as he looked left, then right, then spoke quietly. "The Sues will figure out what you did. And Relationship Sue will come for you before the night is out to finish things. In three hours the sun will go down, the cops will be off the street, and nobody really cares what happens after dark. They're like friggin' vampires themselves."
"So how do we beat them?" Kelsey wanted to know.
Nny grinned. "Luckily there ARE some things that work well on Sues…"
And so the work began! While White got to work on making stakes out of wooden poles he got from the nearby Home Depot since a stake through the top of the top of the head was one of the few ways you could kill a Sue, Gaz filled the tub up with a special solution made in the basement whilst Dib and Zim got to work Sue-proofing the house by tricking out the security system and GIR and Kelsey just played cards. GIR kept losing because he kept eating all the poker chips and had nothing to bet with.
Slowly the sun began to set…they were coming.
Gaz went to the window and pulled the blinds to the side. "The sun's down." She said softly as they all stood together in the bedroom, the doors and windows locked, glancing nervously left and right. "Here they come."
"Places everyone!" Nny demanded. Everyone took off out of the bedroom and into the main hall…
SCHA-BOOOOM!
Andi Sue burst through a locked window, glass shattering everywhere as she leapt towards them. With a single kick she knocked White and Kelsey to the floor, and before Kelsey could do anything…
THOOM! Marty Sue burst out from a wall nearby and held up a small remote, pressing a red button. A backpack on his back stretched out to reveal octopus-like tentacles that grabbed ahold of Kelsey. A furious-looking White dove at him and they all rolled to the side while Dib and Zim ran upstairs with Nny, a cruelly-laughing Andi Sue looking at Gaz and grinning evilly.
As soon as Nny, Dib and Zim reached the top stairs, Dib looked around. "Hey, where's GIR?" He asked.
Zim smirked coldly and held up a stake as he advanced on Dib. "I've got a golden opportunity to terminate you here and now!" He proclaimed.
BANG! The two turned their heads and saw Nny pointing at Perry Sue, who was no-longer looking CUTE. In fact, he was FURIOUS.
"Jeez, it's like "Attack of the Mutant Munchkins"!" Nny said, shivering.
"You killed Mr. Fwog!" He yelled angrily, his hair standing on end, horns poking out of his locks as he advanced on them, making them back up into the bathroom.
"Yeah, you're next!" Dib said bravely.
"No, YOU'RE next!" Perry hissed, clenching his fists. "I'll turn my cuteness wave to…huh?" He looked to the right and saw the bathtub was filled up with a strange purple liquid. "What the heck is THIS?" He remarked.
"I dunno, but this is battery acid, you SLIMEBALL!" Dib growled, raising up an inhaler and squirting Perry in the eyes. The kid howled as his sockets bulged wide, the eyes becoming pink and sore as he tore at them. He then snarled hideously as he pulled a knife from his pocket and advanced…
Then Zim heard GIR singing the doom song in the room behind them and turned his head, getting an idea. "GIR! Perry needs to take a bath!" He called him.
GIR immediately sat up from the middle of the bedroom he'd been in and grinned. "I'm gonna getcha SQUEAKY CLEAN!" He announced, sailing over their heads and pushing Perry into the bathtub.
Perry began screaming horribly as smoke arose from the bathtub and he gasped in pain as his body began to slough away into the purple ooze that he was slipping into. As they watched in horror, his body became skeletal and blood poured out from the nearby sink onto the floor, spraying everywhere as the purple ooze gurgled and spat.
With a BURP the head popped off the skeleton and Zim and Dib turned respective shades of green in disgust as Nny nodded approvingly. "THAT'S squeaky clean alright." He told GIR. "Your sister knows her poisonous acids, Membrane!"
"I think I'm gonna be sick…" Dib gasped.
MEANWHILE, White had knocked Marty clean through the air and Kelsey was unconscious. He was alone in the basement as dark red light cast evil shadows on the wall. "Kelsey, c'mon, wake up, wake up!" White begged. No response. He shook her tenderly. "Kelsey, c'mon, wake-AAAA!" He was snatched up by a tentacle and thrown across the room as Marty grinned at him, holding up another remote.
"I've got one of these delightful devices for every occasion!" He announced, pressing a blue button. Now an electro-drill emerged from the backpack as the tentacles held White in place. "Don't bother trying to stop time or anything, these tentacles are energy-sapping…they'll hold you in place until I can dissect you to find out just how much chaos energy you have IN you!" Marty announced as the drill sparkled with electrical energy, making the entire room light up like it was stuck inside a strobe light.
Luckily Kelsey had woken up. She took a nearby wrench from off a tool table and cracked Marty's mechanical backpack, making him howl in pain and forcing him to drop White down. Unfortunately Marty then turned on KELSEY…
White gasped in horror as Marty shoved a small red ball into Kelsey's mouth and he smirked. "Sit tight, Dorothy, Kansas is going bye-bye!" He announced coldly. Kelsey had time to scream before her entire visage went screwy like a bad photo…and then she was gone with a BLIP.
"Wh…what did you DO?" White whispered.
"Reality pill. Forces people like her back home and wipes their memory of all the things that happened on other worlds. But I won't use that on YOU, it's far too QUICK a demise…" Marty sneered.
White was FURIOUS. This person had just erased the only person who ever loved him for who he was from existence. He rushed forward with impossible speed and punched Marty in the face, knocking him back, then he pulled a stake that he'd hidden in his jacket and tossed it…
THA-THUNK! Marty went down and White stepped back, growling angrily. For a few moments Marty lay there, unmoving…
Then he jumped back up, leering. "Not very intelligent are you, thieving philistine! You had one shot to kill me and you hit my HEART instead of my HEAD! Such a clandestine-"
"I didn't waste any chance." White laughed, leaping forward and KICKING the stake in deeper. It not only went in so deep it was now sticking out both sides, but the force pushed Marty back and…onto a nearby stereo machine that to the left of the tool table.
Marty screamed horribly as electricity shot through the air, sizzling left and right as smoke arose from his body, which convulsed over and over. Sparks flew all over as Marty wailed and wailed and then…BAA-BOOOOOOOM!
His head popped like popcorn and went flying into the air as White smirked. "HA! Death by STEREO." He snapped his fingers. "When you get to Hell, be sure to tell them I sent you!"
He headed up the stairs and saw Dib, Zim and Nny approaching. "Where's Gaz and Andi Sue?" Dib asked.
THWOOSH!
A knife was thrown through the air and Dib barely dodged in time as he saw Andi Sue standing there, holding up throwing knives and grinning. "You should have stayed a vampire. You could have been one of us. You could have had this world under your thumb with us ruling it alongside of you, Zim and Relationship Sue." Andi whispered.
"You tried to make me a KILLEEEERRR!!!" Dib screamed, pointing at her with an accusatory finger.
Andi rushed through the air and slammed her knees into him, pinning him to the ground. She was soon punched off and she grinned as she licked some blood off her lips, seeing Dib stand up and take up a fighting position. "You ARE a killer, Dib. You just don't realize it yet…you're ALL killers, you've all got ruthlessness deep down! Only Nick didn't, and he paid the price…" Andi laughed, showing off sharp teeth.
"Where's…my…SISTER?!?" Dib snarled.
"She went off. Said she had to "get something". But you won't live to see it!" Andi cackled, rushing forward at Dib. The two grappled in place, trying to push one another back. Zim looked nervously down at the stake in his hand, then tucked it away. This was something Dib had to do on his own. Besides…Andi might end up killing Dib, which was good news for him, right?
Dib and Andi glared hatefully at each other as they slowly walked around in a circle, one trying to push the other to the ground so they could finish them off. Unfortunately they seemed to be equal in terms of strength, which made White frown in confusion. How was this possible? Andi's strength was in her strength, how could Dib match it unless…maybe…
Then it happened. Dib's eyes glittered brightly with a shining light for a moment and he got the upper hand, pushing Andi down. He then raised his foot and KICKED her square in the face and she went sailing through the air…
And her head was impaled on a stuffed Moose head that was on the wall. She gasped out, breathing harshly for a few moments…then turned to dust before their eyes.
Dib panted heavily as he held his sides and White walked over to him, helping him up. "Is…everyone alright?"
"Kelsey's gone." White said softly. They all looked at him. "Marty…Marty sent her back home. He erased my girlfriend from existence." They saw a single tear go down his cheek as he shivered. "I…I thought that…that I could really…that I really had a shot with her…I could have been myself with her…"
"Now you know how I feel." A voice spoke up.
They turned and saw Relationship Sue calmly walking into the living room in her Irken form. "Sigh…" She shook her head. "Honestly…I can only feel happy when I'm with Zim. I had it all planned out. It would have been so BEAUTIFUL." She told them. "We would have been one big, happy family…"
"Yeah, a BRADY BUNCH of EVIL!" Dib proclaimed.
"You USED Zim!" Zim hissed. "For that, I will make you eat your own intestines!"
"Yes, I used you." Relationship Sue said. "But it's for your own good. Don't you WANT to rule the world?"
"I want to be the Greatest Invader That Ever Lived!" Zim admitted. "But I don't want somebody else FORCING me to do one thing or another to reach that goal. ZIM will do right for ZIM!"
"Nick only talks about what we should do. And occasionally yells." Dib went on. "He asks or begs but he doesn't ever force us to act one way…you forced. You're EVIL."
"And I still want you, Zim! I haven't changed my mind about that!" Relationship Sue laughed evilly, holding up her Guncon. "Don't bother moving, chaos agent." She told White. "Your powers are weakened from fighting Marty and having your heart broken, I can feel it coming off of you in waves!"
They all glared at her. Nny frowned. "I'm a good knife-thrower, but I'm not faster than a gun."
"She can't get ALL of us. If we rush her…" Dib insisted.
"So who would be the first to DIE?" Relationship Sue asked. "Now this can all go away if Zimmy-Wimmy agrees to be my puddin' cup…"
"Your endearing nicknames are disgusting!" Zim said, sticking out his tongue. "Besides, you have only ONE gun!"
Sue grinned and reached behind her with her other hand, pulling out another Guncon and smirking. "My power is that I can draw Guns out from ANYWHERE." She told them. "So no, I don't just have ONE gun."
"Well, we're boned." White announced.
SFX: It's Good to Be in Dixie
They all perked their heads up as, in from the wall, came an ENORMOUS monster truck which was none other than one of Prof. Membrane's many fancy scientific cars, complete with spiked wheels, HUGE wheels and shiny rims and big decals written on the side of the car. Gaz was driving in the front seat, smirking proudly. Relationship Sue had time to gasp as it came down on her…
SPA-SPLORCH!
She promptly exploded into tiny little butterflies that sailed up and out the window, leaving twinkling dust in the air as the remains sailed away.
"Like I said…what would you guys do without me?" Gaz inquired, looking smug as she calmly hopped out of the car.
"Did you get her in the head?" Nny asked Gaz.
"…eh." Gaz shrugged. "Even if I didn't, she won't be coming back for a while."
"One thing I could never stand about this world…" White groaned, rubbing his sore head. "All the f—kin' Mary Sues…"
"Our house is RUINED!" Dib groaned as he looked around at the ruined living room. The walls were broken apart, blood had pooled out from the sinks and toilets, the light fixtures had fallen down, there were broken pieces of furniture all over and the windows were shattered, along with several doors. Luckily, the TV was untouched, and GIR happily sat on a chunk of couch, turning on the TV to the "Scary Monkey Show". He smiled happily, tilting his head to the side.
"I LOVE this show."