Ryan pulled her jacket towards her as she made her way through the facility's hallways. She didn't know why she was here. She missed Spencer already and...this was as close as she could get to him right now.
"Ms. Williams." She turned to see a nurse.
"Hi, Tara."
"Visiting again? Mrs. Reid is in her room. I can show you where that is. Mr. Reid called earlier, he'll be here around lunch."
Ryan nodded. "Well.. don't tell him I was here, okay?"
Tara looked at her, confused, but nodded. "Of course."
Ryan tried to smile. "Thank you."
Tara nodded again before leading the short woman to the professor's room. Diana looked up from her book and smiled.
"Ryan." She looked at the woman longer before frowning. "Oh Ryan." She said, sadly.
Ryan felt her emotions getting the best of her, seeing the concerned look in the woman's eyes. She broke the locked look, looking at her shoes.
"Come here." Diana patted the bed next to her and Ryan moved to sit next to her.
"You and Spencer broke up." Diana stated and Ryan looked up.
"How did.."
"A mother always knows. Did he do something wrong?"
"No, no. He... He did everything right."
"Then?"
Ryan bit on her lip, looking at the woman. It wasn't her place to tell, and yet... she needed to.
"I miscarried." She whispered. "I miscarried and I pushed Spencer away."
Diana nodded, slowly. Ryan didn't even look up.
"How can I be a good girlfriend when I feel... so messed up. I just feel like I'm not supposed to be happy. And why should I bring him down with me?"
"Spencer's father wanted a lot of kids. He wanted four or five and it terrified me. My brother and I both had this disease and I knew that with each child, it would only increase the chance that one of them would have it. And yet, I tried and we had an amazing son. My smart, beautiful boy. and then, things got bad, I'm sure Spencer has told you the story. and I lost myself. I pushed his father away. William tried after the incident, even if it was hard. He really did believe in "Death do us part", Spencer doesn't know that about him. His father is a great man. But, I'm getting off point. Before William left, he said something to me, that I think that you should think about. He said that It was never about him, or I, but us. That my disease wasn't what took him from me, but my inability to stay true to what we were; to even try."
Ryan looked at the woman, uncertain. "What?"
"Spencer has been through a lot in his life. He has never been normal and rarely has things come a long that makes him happy. Jason Gideon changed his life when he offered Spencer that job, but... What I'm trying to say is that you make him happy. He loves you and no matter your flaws or fears, if you try and you love him and you want to be an 'us' with him, he'll be there. Through it all. You just got to trust him."
"What if I don't even trust myself?"
Diana just looked on, knowingly.
Criminal Minds || What Happens
Spencer fiddled with his bag's strap. He had visited his mother briefly and was now sitting in an airport, waiting for a plane back to DC. It felt wrong to just be leaving, but he had tried several times to get in contact with Ryan again to no avail. She didn't want to see him. She didnt want to be with him. He had to accept that, let her grieve in her own way. He looked to JJ.
"Are you still mad?" He asked softly, causing her to turn her head. She didn't say anything at first before breathing out through her nose.
"No."
He lowered his eyes, uncertain that she was telling the truth. JJ reached out and touched his leg.
"I know this is hard for you, Spencer. I'm not mad. Disappointed in your behavior last night, yes, but I understand...and I'm here if you need me... just not like that, okay?"
He nodded before placing his hand on hers. "Thanks."
JJ laced her fingers with his and squeezed. Spencer looked at their hands. "Do... Do you think this is the right thing to do? To just leave?"
"It's all we can do, Spence. We have work."
"But..." He shook his head. "How can I leave my family?"
JJ held his hand. "You're going back to your family, Spence. Henry and the team..."
Spencer nodded before looking at her. "I wasn't saying that-"
"I know."
"I just..."
"I know, Spence."
Spencer didn't speak again, just nodding, looking back at their hands. "What if Ryan and I don't...can't get passed this?"
"Then..." JJ breathed in, trying to find a right answer. "Then it wasn't meant to be."
Criminal Minds || What Happens
Elle stared Ryan down as she made her way to her desk. As the younger woman sat down, Elle stood and made her way over her desk.
"What the hell do you think you're doing here?"
Ryan raised her eyes to look at the woman. "Working. What are you doing?"
"You shouldn't be here. Not for atleast a few more days, Ryan. Go... rest or..."
"I'm fine, Elle. Just fine."
"Right, so fine that you're making irrational decisions about someone you love and ignoring everything!"
Ryan clenched her jaw, looking over to see Will watching them, curiously. "It's none of your concern."
" 'None of my-" Elle shook her head sitting on the woman's desk. "Do you have any idea how devasted he was, Ryan?" She said, softly, so no one else could hear. "He lost both of his 'girls' - his words, not mine."
Ryan just stared at her. Elle watched her before shaking her head. She stood up. "You're going to regret this, Ryan. Whether or not if this is how you deal with stuff. Spencer is far from perfect, believe me - I know. He annoys the hell out of me sometimes, but he's good for you. He's good and you're throwing that away, just because you lost someone else. Shouldn't you be holding onto to the person you got left?"
Ryan just stared until Elle shrugged and moved back to her desk. Ryan wasn't going to say anything. Elle didn't know what it was like. Elle didn't know how it hurt. Ryan stood up; she had to get away before she said something she shouldn't. She made her way to the break room and grabbed a mug and tea bag before realizing she could have coffee. She set down the mug and closed her eyes. Everything was like a constant reminder. Everything hurt.
"You okay?"
She sniffed and straightened out, turning to see Will standing at the door entry, looking concerned.
"Yeah, yea. Just...closed my finger in the door."
"No I didn't, I've been standing here the whole time."
Ryan looked at him before sighing. "Will, I'm fine."
Will stared at her. "You're not fine. What's going on, Ryan?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Well, too bad. Something happened. You were in the hospital and then you broke up with Reid and now you're fighting with Elle. You aren't fine."
"Okay, I'm not fine. But I'm not talking to you about it. Is that better?" Ryan said, looking at him.
Will looked at her before looking outside of the room. He closed the door before sitting down at the table. "Sit."
"What?"
"Sit. Down."
Ryan stared at him before sitting down.
"talk to me."
"No."
Will reached out and grabbed her hands. "Talk to me, Ryan."
"No." Ryan glared, pulling her hands back. Will grabbed her hands again.
"Do you know why Connor's mom and I broke up?"
"Because you don't know when to stop?" Ryan said, trying to tug her hands away.
"Because Connor was a twin, but Casey didn't make it. She was stillborn."
Ryan's eyes softened. "Oh, Will."
"I was happy that we had a happy baby. We had Connor, but she couldn't move on from the loss of Casey and she started to resent me because of that. I don't think she's ever got over that."
"What...what does that have to do with me?"
"Because I know that look, Ryan. and I... I didn't want to intrude, because it's not my place. And with Reid, maybe there was other factors, but you're pushing away everyone now and I... I can't sit here and watch you do that."
Ryan pulled away her hands and stood up. "I'm not doing anything like that. Elle and I just disagreed about something...and you don't know anything about Reid and I."
She moved back to the counter, spotting the tea bag and sighed. "But you are right about... I lost a baby."
Will didn't say anything, so Ryan turned back to him. "You were okay with it, losing your daughter?"
"Not at all. But... I still had a son. I still had my girlfriend. I was happy for that."
"How could you be happy?" Ryan shook her head. "How could you be happy?"
"I..." Will shrugged. "I don't know."