Day 36: Wisdom
[Good morning Princess] Chewie greeted her as she walked into the room the following morning. Sleep was, as always, evident in her eyes, and he wondered if she had been up again because of nightmares.
"Morning Chewie" she responded, yawning as she grabbed two mugs.
[Are you taking one of those to Han or are you just that tired?] he asked, watching her pour the caf.
Leia laughed, "Yeah, one of them is for Han. I figured it is the least I could do after last night."
[Oh, what happened?] Chewie asked warily.
She moved so she sat across from him at the table, the mugs sitting in front of her, "Nothing like that Chewie. I just had another nightmare and he ended up staying up with me for a couple hours until I fell back asleep."
[A couple of hours?]
She yawned again, "Yeah. I don't know why but I think they're getting worse. And now more than ever I have this feeling that we shouldn't be going to Bespin."
[You know we have no other option.]
"I know, but it's still a feeling. I'm sure everything's going to be fine though. I mean, if you and Han trust this Lando person then I should too, right?"
[Well, I suppose] he answered quietly. When she looked like she was going to ask further into his response, he changed the subject. [So I take it that you and Han are ok again?]
Leia eyed him carefully before responding, "Yeah, I guess we are. You were right. I just needed to give him some space."
[It was about Bria, wasn't it?]
"It was" she sighed. "Chewie, do you think Han really loved her?"
[Well, I didn't see him the first time, as that was before I had met him, but when she appeared a few years ago I could see a change. He looked at her differently from anyone else. Kinder, more caring. Why? Is something troubling you?]
"It's just…I don't think I'll ever be able to match her. He's got this idea in his head of what she was, or what he thought she was, and I'm never going to be able to match that."
[Princess, I think you already have.]
"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked, looking back to the wookiee.
[It means that I've seen the way he looks at you, and it certainly isn't the same as he looked at Bria…it's more.]
"That doesn't mean he loves me Chewie" she argued.
[Then why, Princess, did he always find you on the base when you were down, when you were drunk, and even attempting suicide? Why didn't he leave your side when you were injured a few weeks ago? And why did he stay up with you for hours last night?]
"I…I don't know Chewie. But I still don't think he'll ever love me that way. He said it himself, remember? He never wants to love again."
[Promises aren't always made to be kept Princess.]
Leia almost laughed, "What? Chewie, I'm pretty sure the point of a promise is to keep it!"
[Well of course, but often they are made in reckless fashion. Promises emerge from anger and sadness. It's those kinds of promises that are made to be broken.]
"So you're saying that Han made a promise to himself to never love again because he was so distraught over Bria, but that that promise was made to be broken, and now it has been because he loves me?" She turned away and laughed, "that makes no sense."
[I don't think it needs to make sense Princess. You love him and he loves you, it is as simple as that.]
"And has he told you that?"
[Yes, many times…]
"Oh yeah, I forgot, he told you over a month ago, right?" she asked, interrupting him. Now standing, her hands moved to pick up the mugs.
[Yes, he did, one of many times, and he meant it then too, just as he has before.]
"Chewie, I may love him, but maybe that declaration of love he made means nothing more than one of those broken promises." With that she hurried from the room.
As the wookiee watched her go he turned back to his work and muttered to himself, [I hope you know what you're doing Cub.]
Log of the Millennium Falcon
5/22/3902
I have come to the realization that we are almost done with this blasted trip. It doesn't seem like it's been almost 40 days, but maybe that's because I've spent almost every waking second with Leia, and time always seems to go faster when I'm around her.
Granted, last night didn't go very fast at all. In fact, it just made me more worried than I was to begin with. Leia woke up, franticly kicking and screaming, most of which was my name. I tried to wake her up, but just as the past few nights, it was hard to do so. It's almost as if she can't wake up. Like the nightmare is a reality that's impossible to avoid.
But eventually she did wake, and, just as the night before, she looked at me like I wasn't there, as if I was dead or something. It took me a couple of minutes to convince her that everything was ok, that she had done nothing wrong and that I was safe and alive. Then she started muttering something again about it being her fault for my torture.
Now, she did this the other night too, and that was the first time, but it still makes me worried. What kind of thing could have happened for her to be having nightmares where she's torturing me with the Empire? It makes no sense at all. Something about Alderaan I could see, but this is just strange. Not to mention the fact that she hasn't really had too many nightmares in the past year or so, up until this trip. Of course, I'd find her every other week or so screaming and yelling, but she was always very easy to wake and comfort…minus the fact that she sometimes couldn't stand me being there.
Anyway, after her nightmare last night she couldn't fall back asleep, and even though every part of me wanted to just go back to sleep, I couldn't leave her like that. So we sat and I just rubbed her back for a while and then she talked and then I just talked for a while, rambling on about some adventure I had with Chewie and eventually she fell back asleep.
Sometimes I wish I could take away the nightmares forever, and I really do worry about what will happen when I leave. Luke certainly won't comfort her like I have, and if he does, it won't be the same. Plus, we don't even know if he's alive. Last thing we heard his speeder was shot down. So without me, who will comfort her? She won't even have Chewie to talk with.
I just hope that I can pay off Jabba real fast and get back safely…because if I don't, it might be too late.
Han was sitting on the bed, typing away at his data pad when Leia came in carrying two mugs of caf. "One of those for me?" he asked.
"Yeah. It might be a little cooler than expected though because I kind of got caught up in talking with Chewie" she admitted, handing him one and then sitting next to him on the bunk.
"That's fine. It's the thought that counts" he continued.
"So what were you doing on the data pad?" she asked, looking at the pad sitting next to them, still turned on.
"Just some records on what is left to do before we get to Bespin in a few days."
"Wow" Leia sighed.
"What?"
"I can't believe it's only a few days away."
"Oh, yeah. I can't believe it either" he said, taking a sip of the caf. It wasn't too cold, although it was a bit cooler than he normally drank it.
She shook her head, "So what is left to do then?"
He turned to the pad, "Well, if you can finish sorting through those tools you were working on yesterday and then organize the rest of the spare parts in the back hold, then we should be good there."
"And you?" she continued, taking a drink from her own mug.
"I want to finish up those shields today and hopefully Chewie can finish the updates to the navcomputer."
"What about 3P0?" Leia asked quietly.
"I actually…I was thinking that maybe he could watch the cockpit full time."
Leia laughed, "You're kidding right?" He just stared at her. "No? You're serious? You…Han Solo…want a droid to watch over your ship full time?"
"Unless you have a better idea?"
"No, not really, but it's just so…strange" she added.
"Well you know what him watching the cockpit all the time means, right?" he asked, growing closer to her after he set their mugs on the table beside the bunk.
"I don't know, but I'm sure you can enlighten me."
He kissed her once, then pulled away, "No…interruptions" he said between kisses. She leaned into him, kissing him with as much passion as he kissed her. She wrapped her arms around him and he did the same, pulling her into his lap. His mouth moved down along her neck while her head drooped to rest on his shoulder.
[Are you two staying in there all day or are we actually going to get some work done?] came the angry voice of a wookiee through the door, causing Han to groan as he pulled away from Leia.
"We'll be out in a minute Pal" he yelled back.
"No interruptions huh?" she asked, laughing as they got up and she grabbed the mugs.
"We can never get a break, can we Sweetheart?"
"Never" she responded, kissing him once more before opening the door and following him out.
Journal of the Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan
22nd Day, 5th Month, 3902nd Year
I've spent, literally, the entire day, working.
Not that this is a bad thing, it's just, I'm not used to it anymore. I have to say, going back to the Alliance is certainly going to be a change. For the last 35 days I've been everything BUT a member of High Council, and you know, I think for the last 35 days I've been more of myself than I have been in the last 3 years.
But either way, after our interruption this morning in the cabin I watched as Han asked 3P0 to watch the cockpit. Han actually asked me to tell him, but I made him go do it himself. Granted, this was partly for personal amusement, of which I received, but also because it's his ship, not mine. Han looked like he was ready to kill the droid by the time we left the cockpit, but thankfully 3P0 agreed and only grumbled a bit about how he wasn't going to be of any service sitting in the cockpit all day.
After that I went to the main hold, where I continued sorting out those tools. You'd think that on a spaceship this small you wouldn't need 4 of the same exact tool, but as Han kindly explained to me, things on such a LARGE ship get lost. Always looking to brag about the Falcon, isn't he? Once I was finished with that it was almost lunch, so I went and found us some ration bars. We actually all stopped working to eat, and then Han decided that for the rest of the trip we should stay on rations, that way on the last night we can have a special dinner. I thought this was a great idea, agreed, and then realized about an hour later that it meant I have to eat rations for the next few days. Thank the Gods we have enough caf.
I've spent the remainder of the day sorting through the piles of spare parts, and by the time I was finished, I needed a shower…and for once not because I love water showers. I was covered in grease! I'm not sure how these pilots put up with it, but I can really see why Han has a water shower now.
But along with working, I've spent time thinking over what Chewie said this morning. What if Han's promise really was made to be broken? I know I said that after Alderaan I promised myself that if things got too bad I would just put an end to it, but I was drunk at the time and was angry and distraught. Obviously the promise was never kept, although it was really Han who helped me break it.
And the wookiee was right. If Han didn't love me, why did he find me during those times where I almost made that promise come true? Why did he stay by my bed for two days straight a few weeks ago when I was injured after that battle with the rogues? And why in the galaxy did he stay up with me for a couple hours last night, just rubbing my back, running my hair through his fingers and telling me of adventures he had with Chewie until I fell back asleep? That's not something that someone who's 'just a friend' regularly does…and you have to include the kissing too. Everytime we kiss it's like everything is, for once, right in the galaxy, and I certainly didn't feel that way when I kissed Luke.
So maybe he does love me. I mean, I swear I heard him say something the other night when I was asleep…but we all know that with my history of nightmares and dreams, it could very easily just be my imagination.
Leia walked into the main hold, where Chewie was still sitting reprogramming and updating the navigation computer.
"Working in here and not the cockpit?"
[Who in their right mind would be working in the cockpit right now when you can do the same thing from right here…without the presence of a droid?] he asked, turned to face her for a moment before going back to his work.
"Point taken" she continued as she sat down at the holo chess table. She didn't say anything more, she just sat there and watched him work.
[Was there something you wanted to talk about?] he asked, completely aware of her stare.
"Yeah…listen. I just wanted to say sorry for this morning."
[There is no reason for you to be sorry Princess. I understand your frustration.]
"It's just, he hasn't admitted he loves me to my face."
[And have you said anything to him about your love?]
Leia looked away and then quietly responded with a "No."
[Then how can you expect him to do the same? Admitting his love for you was a big step, even just to admit it to me. Even to admit it to himself.]
"Because he said he was never going to love again, right?" she laughed.
[Exactly. But once he met you he saw his mistake and realized that maybe there is someone worth loving, and that someone is you.]
"But why me? I think I was being pretty obvious back on Hoth."
[Yes, obvious that you love him] the wookiee answered, laughing. He moved from his location at the computer and came to sit next to her. [Han's always been one to love, but he's never had that love returned. Well, unless you call my love of him the same thing.]
Leia laughed, "I think this is a little different Chewie."
[Anyway, so when he noticed that maybe there was something there with you, he stopped and looked around. He's always been able to see how much you love him, once he let that love in.]
"But I really didn't even admit it until this trip."
[Princess, I think you were the last one to admit it. I saw it just before Han. Although you were always fighting, you would still act differently around him. You acted one way with members of the Alliance, another way with Luke, and yet completely different whenever Han was around.]
"That doesn't mean that I loved him back then though" she pointed out.
[Maybe you didn't realize it because you were so afraid of the possibility of loving him, and having that love returned.]
Leia was about to say something in return, but the wookiee continued, [You and Han are not very different from one another. You both have gone through loss, and have felt that you will never have love returned, but when you finally have that love, you both failed to notice it until now.]
"But you just said that…"
[I know what I said Princess, and Han has known for longer than you have, but it doesn't mean that he was at peace with it. You've both changed on this trip. You've accepted that you love him, and he's accepted that too…he's accepted the fact that someone could love him in return.]
"Oh" was all she managed to say. "Thanks" she continued as she stood and moved towards the hall. Chewie walked back to the computer, but paused as she turned around. "You know Chewie, I don't know how you came to be this way, but you must be one of the wisest beings in the galaxy."
[I don't know about that Princess. I've met some pretty wise 'beings.' But I have been alive long enough to…]
"…to understand these things?" she finished, laughing.
[Exactly.]
"Goodnight Chewie, and thanks again" she finished.
[Goodnight Princess. Sleep well] he said before watching her go and laughing to himself as he returned to his work.