The First, Second and Forty-Eighth Diet

by eloquentfever

OLD FANFICTION: Semi-sequel to The First, Second and Forty-Eight Time. Kurt and Sebastian are dating but here are 47 times Kurt tries to stay on a diet and 1 time he said screw it, and let's demolish a whole cheesecake. Kurtbastian. All dialogue. Caution: DRY, OFFENSIVE HUMOUR - includes stereotypes and can be crude and offensive depending on who you are. COMPLETE.

36. Fire and Ice – Part 2

Chapter 36

Fire and Ice – Part 2

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"I hate campfires, Sebastian."

"I hate the mountains, Hummel, but you still dragged me there. I still can't feel my left butt cheek and it's been over a week, so I decided that we need to go out. You need to forget about that crappy diet of yours, and I need to forget about the fact that I'm living with you."

"...doesn't going out with me defeat the purpose then?"

"S'mores?"

"No."

"Forget about that stupid diet seriously. Oh, Hummel, I put on weight."

"Oh, really? How much?"

"A pound."

"You should stop right there, before you start popping out of your pants."

"Shut up, Hummel. I've been eating so much I swear I've been hallucinating. I think it's all the crack that I used to do that's making it hard for me to put on."

"Used to do?"

"I swear I'm not doing any anymore. I promised my Dad that I wouldn't go near drugs, legal or illegal, without a prescription that at least four doctors agree on."

"The things you had to give up."

"You get me, Hummel, don't you?"

"No. And I never want to. Not ever. In fact, the day I start 'getting you' is the day where I will get Rachel to hire an assassin to shoot me."

"You have to hire someone to kill you? Why don't you ask me? I'll do it for free."

"Sebastian, stop flirting with me."

"I'm going to get more wood. Enjoy my S'mores, because I know the minute I'll leave, you'll eat them, and oh, also, I hate marshmallows. I made them for you. I love you too."

"I hate you. And these are good."

Five minutes later.

"Kurt, we have to go. I saw a monster near the lakes. It's a scary ass thing. I'm shaking in my boots."

"You aren't wearing any boots. And I'll go check it out considering you accidentally called me by my first given name, so I'm just assuming you really are frightened."

"Yup, Hummel. You go do that. You pump iron. Kill us a witch."

"Okay, I'm at the lakes. Now, where is it?"

"Look in the water. You'll find it."

"There's only my reflection there...Sebastian? You are three years old! I won't believe it! I'm going to fucking murder you. I just about-"

"That was for the Hell joke."

"Quick, Sebastian. I think I saw a snake. You should leave."

"What? Why?"

"They eat meerkat."

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xo Peanut Butter/Sam