Chapter 35

One week later...

Ziva told Tony and Tim what had happened and about her own conflicted feelings about Ray's death. She was careful in explaining her feelings. Her trip to Idaho had given her some time to think about things and she realized that the events that had led to her rejection of Ray could be taken as a reflection of Tim's own actions in the past. So when she had talked to Tony and Tim, she had actually glossed over what she and Ray had talked about and focused on how she felt about what had happened to Ray.

Both Tony and Tim had been comforting in their own ways...and both had been willing to let Ziva use her mad cooking skills. Ziva had met Dr. Hicks and David Morgan. She noticed Tony's reticence about leaving Tim alone, but she didn't think about it much because there was just so much else that she had to think and worry about.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Ziva answered the door when Dr. Hicks came by for Tim's session.

"Good afternoon," she said with a smile.

"Hello, Ziva. Tim's ready?"

"Yes. He is waiting for you in the study."

"Excellent." He started on his way.

"Dr. Hicks?"

"Yes?"

"I just wanted to thank you for what you have done for Tim. He is...much improved from when I saw him last."

Dr. Hicks smiled. "He just needed the help and I'm the one who was here."

"But I am grateful."

"My pleasure."

Dr. Hicks headed into the study. Ziva walked back to the kitchen where Tony was leaning over an open cookbook. It was his turn to cook...and he wanted to prove that he could cook as well as Ziva...or at least make a good meal.

"What are you going to make?" Ziva asked.

"It's a surprise. How you feeling today?"

Ziva smiled. "It is becoming more...real to me. Even though I hated what he had done, I...I cannot help but regret that...that he felt he had to die."

"Maybe."

"What do you mean?"

"Maybe he didn't kill himself. He was CIA after all. Maybe they killed him off."

Ziva sighed. "That does not make me feel any better."

Tony looked up and put his hand out. "Sorry."

Ziva sat down on a stool and leaned on the counter, reaching out to touch his hand briefly before leaning back.

"No. What you say may be true. I would not put anything past the CIA."

Tony nodded. "Yeah, it was a real shock to me when Tim told me that Dr. Hicks works for them."

"What?" Ziva asked, rising to her feet.

Tony looked up awkwardly. "Oh...right...yeah. Uh...I guess we didn't ever tell you. Dr. Hicks works for the CIA. He got sent here by Carew."

"Why?"

"Because Carew figured that Tim would want to get the help he knew he needed. He planted Dr. Hicks in Jackson Hole...probably almost as soon as we got here. Guy is way too smart for his own good...or maybe for our good."

Ziva looked at Tony and then back toward the study.

"If so...why are you so calm about him being here?"

"Because Tim is...and you've noticed how much better he is. It's because of Dr. Hicks. CIA or not, Dr. Hicks is really good at what he does."

"How did you find out?"

"We didn't. He told Tim."

"He told Tim? Himself? Without needing to?"

"Yeah. Tim had no idea. Said it was a shock to him when he found out. He felt betrayed again. I wasn't here when they were talking, but whatever they talked about made Tim feel okay about it...and so he's going to keep coming as long as Tim is here. However long that is."

"What do they talk about?"

"I have no idea. Tim doesn't usually tell me very much. He still doesn't like the idea of letting us know the details. Dr. Hicks...he's part of all that, and Tim said that he doesn't mind letting him know because he's basically a stranger. ...but I wish he'd let me in, just a little bit. He doesn't have to tell me everything, but, you know, we've been with him all the way, and..."

"...and you think it would help?" Ziva asked.

"Don't you?"

Ziva shrugged. "If he does not think it will help, then, it would not help him. ...but, as you say, he is doing better, maybe if both of us ask him, he will tell us."

"Yeah, I was thinking that myself."

"Why did you not say anything?"

Tony smiled. "Well, you were having your own problems. I didn't want to make everything about Tim. ...something he said to me once, and he's right. It can't all be about him, and he doesn't want it to be, either. So I figured it would be better if you had extra time to deal with all that stuff with Ray. Didn't want to push."

"Well, I am ready to try, if you are."

Tony sighed. "We've probably got a while. Tim hasn't said anything about going back to DC."

"How much longer do you think he will stay?"

Tony sighed. "I don't know. He's getting better. He's walking. He hasn't had a nightmare in days. ...but he doesn't seem to want to go...and he still feels some pain in his feet."

"You wish you could leave," Ziva said.

"Kinda. This isn't exactly a happening place, and I'm mostly just marking time. I'm not like Tim who's hiding from people. ...but don't tell him that. I don't want him feeling guilty about it...and there's no way I'm leaving him here alone."

"This has been good for you as well as for Tim."

Tony smiled a little. "Maybe I needed the time off. Haven't had a vacation in a while."

"It is not just that. You are not...awkward with each other as you have been for the last year. Things are better for you and for Tim."

"Yeah, maybe." He looked out the window for a second.

"I could stay here instead," Ziva suggested.

"Nah. I'll stick it out to the end. I have to."

Ziva got up and walked around the counter. She leaned in and kissed Tony on the cheek.

"You are very sweet."

"You're ruining my reputation, Ziva," Tony said and smiled.

"I am sorry. I will not spread it around."

"Good. Now, I need to get started if I'm going to wow you all with my cooking prowess."

Ziva raised her hands in capitulation.

"I will go and swim a few laps."

Tony waved her away and got back to staring at the recipe he'd chosen.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Gibbs walked into Abby's lab and grimaced. The music was low and Abby was still working efficiently with no bounce in her step.

"Abby?"

"I'm getting some tests done for Lovitz, Gibbs," Abby said dully. "I don't have anything from you."

Gibbs walked over and turned her around. That was all it took. Abby hugged Gibbs tightly.

"They'll come back, Abbs."

"But when? I haven't seen Tim in months! Months! Tony is with him. Ziva is there now, too, but I haven't been able to see Tim at all! I've been here, and I know that I have to stay here so that no one notices, but still!"

"I know."

"I just want them all to come back and be safe! ...but will Tim be safe if he does come back? Will he be able to come back here at all? What if those jerks at the other agencies decide they want to take him again? Gibbs, I don't know what's going to happen!"

"I don't either, Abbs, but things will work out."

"I wish we could go back in time and stop all this from ever happening!"

"Yeah, me, too." Especially since I started it.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tony was starting to cook dinner when Tim finished his session with Dr. Hicks. He didn't join the conversation they were having as they walked out. Tim was still hobbling, but he was definitely doing better. Tony watched Tim. He was more relaxed now and less withdrawn. That wasn't to say that there wasn't still a shadow in his eyes, but Tony wasn't sure that would ever go away.

...but he wished that Tim would allow his friends to give him some support. Hopefully, with Ziva's help, he could persuade Tim to open up.

"See you tomorrow?" Tim asked.

"Provided you're still here," Dr. Hicks said.

Tim nodded, waved Dr. Hicks out the door and then turned to Tony.

"What are you making?"

"The secret DiNozzo penne pasta."

Tim smiled. "I thought you said that pasta was a cop out."

"I said spaghetti was a cop out. And it is."

Tim chuckled. "I'm going out to the deck. Where's Ziva?"

"Showing me up in the endless pool."

Tim nodded and put on his jacket. Then, he limped out to the deck and sat down on one of the chairs. There was a definite bite in the evening air now. It really didn't take long to change to fall. Tim wouldn't be able to stay out as long, but Tony decided it would be best to wait until after dinner, rather than force Tim into a mindset he didn't want before they ate.

Ziva came up a few minutes later, hair damp and curly, and silently started helping Tony with his cooking. Mostly she got dishes out, letting him do the actual cooking. Then, she went out and joined Tim on the deck. From what Tony could tell, neither of them were doing any talking. Ziva was just sitting beside him. ...but that was the difference between Ziva and himself. Tony didn't like silence when he knew that there were things that needed saying. He might not actually say what was needed, but he would talk.

Tim and Ziva came in to eat when Tony called them. They sat together at the table and ate. It nearly killed Tony not to say anything, but he took his cue from Ziva who seemed intent on waiting.

Ziva and Tony cleaned up dinner and Ziva gave Tony a look as she put the last dish into the dishwasher. He nodded and they walked to the deck, where Tim had again retreated. He was looking at the mountains as the sun went down...as he often did.

"Tim?" Ziva asked. "May we join you?"

Tim looked back. "You'll want a jacket," he said with a smile. "It's kind of chilly."

"I'm prepared," Tony said. "But Ziva will need to get a jacket."

Ziva grinned and dashed back inside. Tony settled on a chair.

"How you feeling?" he asked.

"All right."

Ziva came out with a heavy jacket and sat down.

"Dinner was good, Tony. I'm impressed," Tim said.

"Thanks. Tim...what do you and Dr. Hicks talk about?"

"The stuff that's happened," Tim said. "Nothing that you guys don't already know."

"But there is something we do not know," Ziva said. "We do not know what you think of it. How you feel."

"You can't know that," Tim said. "I couldn't explain it. You aren't...you haven't experienced it. You can't understand."

"Why do you keep saying that?" Tony asked. "Why do you think that we have to experience that in order to be let in on it."

"That is not why you are keeping it from us," Ziva said.

"Yeah, it is," Tim said softly.

The lights from the house were dim, giving only a bit of light. There were no lights on the deck, and the sun had vanished beneath the horizon. They couldn't see each other's faces very well. ...all the better perhaps.

"No, Tim. It is not. It is the excuse you are hiding behind. Why will you not tell us?"

"I don't want you to...know..."

"Why not? You said that we already knew a lot of it. Why won't you tell us about the rest...the important part?"

"Because I don't want you to know that part! I don't want that for you!"

"What do you mean?" Tony asked.

Tim looked up. Tony followed his gaze and could see a few stars.

"Do you remember that box I made? The one with the skewed and twisted sides?"

"Yeah."

"That's what I am...what I am most of the time. I don't want you to be like that. Every time I...get involved with the CIA, I come away a bit more twisted. Dr. Hicks told me that there are good and bad people everywhere, and he's right...but...but I don't want you guys to pay that price."

"We've seen a lot, you know," Tony said. "It's not like we've been living in a bubble, Tim."

"I know, but not like this. I know you think that it's nothing you've not seen before, but you're wrong. It's different, and it's because of...of how things are. You said that there's only one world, Tony, and you're right. There's only one world, but there are aspects of that world that I wish I'd never seen. There are parts of the world, and people in it, that I don't want to inflict on anyone else. The CIA...it can...twist people. It's twisted me, warped me. It warped Carew. I don't know how Dr. Hicks managed to avoid it...unless it's just because he was already warped by being a prisoner for a year." Tim looked at Tony and Ziva. "I don't want to see you guys get twisted and warped like I have been. You don't have to be. I didn't have a choice, and if I could have chosen, I would have avoided it. I really...really wish I could have."

"You do not have to protect us, McGee," Ziva said.

"Maybe not, but I want to...and I can, even just a little. I can by not letting you get inside the part of the world that I've been thrown into more than once."

Tim stood up and limped the edge of the deck.

Tony got up, too.

"Tim, come on, man! That's not..."

Tim suddenly stiffened and held up his hand.

"Tony...look."

Tony followed his gaze. A small light off on the other side of the hill.

"What is that?" he asked.

Ziva stood up.

"Unwelcome visitors," she whispered. "Perhaps they were able to follow me."

"Doesn't matter," Tony said. "Inside."

Tim followed, but he paused at the door.

"Tim, come on!"

Tim looked at Tony and Tony saw a strange expression cross his face. It wasn't one he'd ever seen before. It changed Tim's entire countenance. He took a breath and shook his head.

"No."

"What do you mean, no? This is what we've been dreading."

"I know. ...but I'm tired of letting them come to me. I'm tired of letting them call the shots. I'm calling the shots this time."

Tim turned and walked to the stairs and limped down them.

"Tim, wait!"