Broken Hearts and Throwing Darts
Bella POV
WHAT A WEEK RIGHT? I KNOW IT WAS FOR ME AND IM SORRY ABOUT THE LACK OF UPDATES BUT THE JOB IS KILLING ME. I WISH I COULD JUST WRITE AND UPDATE ALL DAY BUT UNFORTUNATELY, REAL LIFE HAS CAUGHT UP WITH ME.
RECAP IN LDV LAND, BELLA AND EDWARD HAD A REVEALING TRIP IN CHICAGO BUT ITS NOT OVER YET. SHE HAD TOLD HIM SOME THINGS BUT NOT ALL. THAT POOR GIRL IS GOING THROUGH IT. HOW WILL EDWARD TAKE THINGS? READ ON TO FIND OUT.
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It all belongs to SM.
I sat in the snow while Edward held me close to his warm body.
Yesterday was the first time that I brought him or anybody for that matter, up to meet Benjamin and I didn't know how he would take it but he demanded that we come back today.
It was Sunday and I knew that it would be my last day of freedom before the law suits were made public tomorrow. What was I going to do when everything came out in the open? I hadn't told Edward about that year but I was planning to tonight. He had to know. I also had to tell my parents about it all. They still had no idea about Benjamin let alone all the shit I put into my body after I lost him.
What I was most ashamed about was what my kids were going to think about me. I knew that they wouldn't understand the situation but that wouldn't stop them from hearing the horrible things that people were going to say about me and I hoped that my image in their eyes wasn't diminished.
I was going to have to find a way to explain things to them so that they would understand some portion of what I went through.
Jacob was probably already making copies of the pictures he had and the stories of the drugs I took but that was ok because I was readying myself as well. Jasper had the medical documents and the insurance statements from the hospital visits. I don't know how he did it but he even tracked down one of the doctors who did a skin graph on me after I fell into the glass table. He was living in Bermuda with a large sum of money that he "happened to inherit". In other words, Jacob was paying him probably upwards of a million dollars a year to keep his mouth shut.
Thankfully, not everyone was as morally empty as Jacob and the doctor felt like he needed to come out with the story he had. Dr. Patrillio was now back in Chicago, stashed away just in case we needed him. If Jacob knew that he was planning on testifying on my behalf, I wouldn't put it past him to make the good doctor "disappear". He had done it before and wouldn't hesitate to do it again. This particular doctor was one of my main physicians over the years and could attest to the burns, bruises, scars, whatever I needed him to relay to a judge.
The magazines would go crazy once the realized that I had spent almost six months in a rehab facility to break myself from the hard drugs that ruled my life, the Cullens would probably never look at me the same again and who knows about my career. That could be dead for good once I was portrayed as a drug addicted whore by the media.
I rested deeper into Edward as the shinning sun warmed my cold skin. We were sitting in front of Benjamin's grave, in an area that Edward had cleared of snow so our butts wouldn't get cold. He brought coffee in a thermos and a couple of blankets so we could sit out here for as long as we needed.
He had went to the doctor this morning for his bloodied knuckles and now sported a light blue brace on his right hand, the hand that was fractured. It should be healed in a couple weeks though and Edward was acting like it wasn't even there.
It might seem kind of morbid to sit in front of a grave, in a cemetery, just staring but I needed this. I wasn't planning on coming back to visit Benjamin for a long time for the simple reason that I didn't know how long it was going to take me to get over Chicago. It might be years before I came back here. Even my mother and Phil didn't have a strong enough pull to bring me back to hell. They would just have to visit me in LA because this was going to be the last time for a long time.
I realized that I was being a completely selfish and over emotional about all of this but I couldn't help it. For the past couple of days, I've only talked about my mistakes, my pain, my past. I didn't even really take into account how everyone else was feeling.
I just dropped the bomb of the century on Charlie, Phil, Renee, and Edward but I acted like I was the only woman who ever lost a child or who ever had been in an abusive relationship. I needed to get over myself and I knew that but I would worry about my well being when I got back to LA.
Charlie was furious when I told him part one of my story and wanted to press charges of his own. He said that they were for mental damages to his state of mind but we all knew he was just going off of his anger. I rehashed my story to him this morning and he made me promise to come and visit him soon so that we could have a sit down, father-daughter talk. I needed everyone's help to get past this.
I already had Alice searching for a good therapist and when she asked why, I just told her to wait until Monday. She would find out then anyway. I was actually surprised that Jasper hadn't told her about my horror stories yet but he reminded me that client/lawyer confidentiality applied in this situation and he wouldn't betray my trust, even to Alice.
"Are you cold? I have more blankets." Edward whispered into my ear. I was in between his legs and his arms were like a vice grip around my body.
I snorted at how sweet he was being.
"What?" He asked.
"Nothing." I replied and rested my head against his chest.
It made me sick at how I was shutting him out. He was the sweetest man in the world and I didn't trust him enough to tell him my past? What kind of a fiancee was I? He wasn't going to leave me. I hoped he wouldn't leave me.
"How are you feeling?" I asked, trying to get into his head. He had to have some opinion about all of this.
"I feel like I lost a son myself." He said dryly, "I know it's nowhere near what you're going through but just to think that I could have another boy like Will... I'm so sorry that you had to go through that."
"I didn't even know him but I miss him every day."
"Why didn't you tell me about this? I could have helped you."
"We've only known each other for five months Edward and dating for four. What would it look like if I just dumped this all on you? Normal couples haven't even reached anything like what we have right now by this point."
"But we aren't normal. From the moment I met you, it hasn't been normal."
"I know but I didn't want you to run away once you realized about all my white trash moments."
"You won't ever scare me away Bella."
"I hope not."
I reached my arm back around his neck and held him close.
I hadn't cried today and it was the first time in a long time that I was free of tears. I think that was because I had come to the realization that none of this was my fault. It was unfortunate, yes but I couldn't have done anything to save my son short from leaving but at the time, that was out of the question. I knew a long road was ahead of me so I decided to buck up and take anything that Jacob threw. I had to do this for my family.
"You will never have to go through anything alone again." Edward said genuinely, "I promise you that."
"Thank you."
We sat on the hill, undisturbed and since it was about midday, we had some time before we had to head inside. We were lucky that no paparazzi had followed us. Edward took some back roads that I didn't even know existed but he said that he scoped them out.
"All of this is going to come up in the trial you know?" Edward sighed.
"I know. I would like to keep it all under the table but this is Jacob's evidence that I don't deserve Will. He's going to go into everything over the past ten years."
Edward was about to say something but my phone rang loudly in my pocket. I pulled it out and saw an unrecognizable number on the screen.
"Who's that?" Edward asked over my shoulder.
"I don't know."
I picked up and waited for someone to say something.
"Hello, is this Isabella Swan?" I a soft, feminine voice came over the other end.
"Yes, who is this?" I asked skeptically.
"This is Marcy McDaniels from Black &Uley Investments."
I sighed into the phone. Slut Number 1 was calling me. This couldn't be good.
"How did you get this number and furthermore, why are you calling me on a Sunday?" I all but bit her head off over the phone.
"Mr. Black and his lawyers would like to meet with you. They say it's urgent and request your immediate arrival at the office."
"Do I have to?" I said like a child.
"It would be advantageous." She spoke robotically, "And he would like to meet without your lawyer."
"So he can have his but I can't have mine? What sense does that make?"
"Things will run much smoother if the legalities are kept to a minimum."
I tried to wriggled my way out of Edward's arms but he wouldn't let me go anywhere.
"Fine, give me half an hour."
"I shall tell Mr. Black."
She ended the call quickly and I let out a groan of frustration.
"What? What is it?" Edward asked frantically.
"Nothing, we have to go see Jacob at his office."
"You said that like it wasn't serious."
"It's not. He's just trying to scare us." I got up and wiped the dew from my jeans.
"But...I don't know how I feel about this." He got up after me, "Something doesn't sound right. Should we call Jasper?"
"No. We have to play by Jacob's rules. I know what I'm doing Edward. Just please, I need you to come with me." I pleaded.
"No. We're not going. He could have some kind of trap."
"This isn't some kind of military operation Edward." I tried to explain to him.
"I don't feel right about this."
"Please. I don't want to argue about this."
He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed, "Ok, but you're not going to be out of my sight and if I don't like what he was to say, we're leaving."
"Sounds like a good compromise to me." I nodded.
"Good."
We pulled into the underground parking garage of Jacob's building half an hour later and I had to make Edward promise me that he wouldn't kill Jacob. He agreed but I felt like I was walking on thin ice. The last time these two met, a rather large shotgun was involved and I didn't even want to think about that right now.
Edward and I walked hand in hand through the lobby, which was still open to the associates who had to basically work seven days a week. There were no rest days in Jacob's head.
We checked in with Marcy who scowled at me the whole time while trying to undress Edward with her eyes simultaneously. She eventually went cross eyed to which I had a good laugh at when we walked away from her counter. We met Ron at the elevators and he let us go up.
"I don't want to be here." Edward pouted and crossed his arms in the elevator.
"Just be good. No fighting." I raised an eyebrow.
Although Jacob and I didn't have good memories behind closed doors, we knew how to act in public. Edward? I didn't know. He mainly acted on his anger when he got really mad so I just prayed that he would stay sane.
Edward and I stepped out of the elevator and went through the halls. He was glaring at the people working and I could tell that he was a little impressed by what Jacob had built. Who wouldn't be?
We went to the conference room and I was told to enter after a knock.
Jacob was sitting with his hands crossed on one side of the long table with Yale Number 1 next to him. No one else was in the room.
Jacob's face fell when Edward walked in after me.
"I don't want to hear it Jacob. He's here so get used to it." I said before he had the chance to say anything.
He shut his mouth and let out a gritted, "Fine."
Edward pulled out a chair for me and then sat in the chair next to mine, "It's nice to see you again Jacob. I see that scar I gave you is healing nicely."
"I am being very generous with you Cullen. Don't push me." Jacob growled.
"Do two just want to whip out your dicks now and compare sizes." I rolled my eyes.
"I'm game." Jacob shrugged.
"I bet you'd like that wouldn't you." Edward smirked.
"This isn't high school." I interrupted their manly pissing match, "What the hell do you want Jacob?"
Jacob hit his lawyer's shoulder and turned his steely gaze on me with his lips crunched into a thin line.
"Mr. Black is willing to make concessions." Yale Number 1 said quickly.
"What does that mean?" I was talking to Jacob, not his lawyer but Yale Number 1 answered me.
"We are willing to give up full custody."
My eyes snapped to the lawyer and I think my jaw unhinged but I couldn't be sure. Edward sat up straighter and calmed down considerably.
"We have certain things that need to be kept under wraps and we are willing to give you full custody indefinitely for one William Black." He pulled out some papers slowly and I already knew what was coming just by Jacob's stare.
"Get out, you're worthless." Jacob snatched the papers from his hands.
"But sir..."
"I said get out and clean out your office on the way downstairs. I'll send you you're shit in regards to pay later. Get out." Jacob pointed to the door.
Edward seemed a little stunned by Jacob's evilness but this was child's play to me. I knew Jacob had the power to basically destroy Yale Number 1 if he wanted.
The lawyer scrambled out of the conference room, making a lot of noise and muttering to himself. He was out of the door in a few seconds, leaving his papers and files behind.
"Now that that idiot is gone, we can do this like men." Jacob reviewed the papers quickly.
"Tell me what you want Jacob and you can have it. Just give me my son." I took Edward's hand above the table and Jacob noticed but besides a face twitch, he didn't say anything.
"Look, Bella, I don't really care. I don't want my son, that's no secret. Yes, I was using him to hurt you and he might be my son but I have better things to do than take care of two brats."
I had to bite my tongue to keep from blowing up at my ex-husband's sorted view on parenthood. He used to actually love our son but I guess that was now tainted because of Edward's involvement in Will's life.
"What do you want?" I repeated.
"I want you to keep your mouth shut. Basically, I have a certain image to maintain and I hate to admit it, but I know you have a mile high mountain of evidence against me. I can't have that kind of stuff out there." He sighed, "I have to keep you quiet and I realize that Will is my only bargaining chip."
"But...you have a lot against my as well." I said vaguely.
"Of course I do but do you think I want all that out in the open? All that stuff my ex-wife did? I don't think so and I can't have my image sullied by you." He got up and started walking the familiar line behind the chairs, "I need you to sign certain documents that say you won't disclose any of the evidence you have against me."
"Fine. Give them to me." I said without thinking.
"Not so fast Isabella." He said my name like it was poison, "I also need you to drop all charges, including the alimony requests."
"Everything?"
"Everything, no alimony, no pictures, no charges, nothing and this is permanent. I don't want you coming back ten years from now, trying to take me down."
I thought about it for a minute. I hoped I wasn't stupid by doing this but I couldn't help but think about the possibilities.
"What do you think?" I asked Edward in a whisper.
He looked pensive for a second and then straightened back up, "Jacob, you're right, this will be permanent. I need a clause stating that you won't ever contact my family again. That means no Christmas gifts, no birthday gifts, no contact until he turns eighteen and only if he comes to you first."
"Fine." Jacob said and I think I detected a hint of sadness in his voice but I wasn't going to be fooled.
"I won't even ask you to sign away your parental rights because I know that's a lost cause." Edward crossed his arms.
"Damn right. I'm not going to give up everything." Jacob knew what he was doing. By not giving Edward the right to adopt Will, he was still planting himself in my life. Maybe not physically, but mentally, I knew Jacob would always be there.
"Give me the papers. And we stay out of court?" I said and sat up in my chair. I had to do this. I knew that if we went in front of a judge, I would lose my son.
"Yes." He replied shortly.
"I mean it Bella. I'll keep up my end of the deal if you do your's. Not one mention of anything to anyone. I'll have everything notarized but we're the only ones who know about this." He pushed a stack towards me.
"Can I look over this?" I asked and flipped through it.
"Yeah, you have ten minutes."
"I'm not signing anything without Jasper reading them first." I pushed them away from me.
"You get one shot and that's it." Jacob got furious.
"Take it down Jacob. I don't want to have to beat you again and Charlie's not here to save you this time." Edward got just as mad.
"Look, I don't feel right signing them without a lawyer looking at them." I tried to diffuse the situation.
"No, if you walk out of here, you don't get to come back."
"You're backing me into a corner Jacob. This isn't fair."
He pushed the papers back to me, "One shot Bella."
I looked to Edward to give me some advice. I knew enough about contracts to know that this wasn't smart. Was this even legal?
"We need a witness." I said, trying to delay.
"That's what Cullen's for." Jacob nodded to Edward, "Just read them Bella. You have ten minutes."
During my ten minutes, I gave Edward half the papers and I read the other half. I was trying to make sure that there was nothing Jacob could trick me on.
Basically, I was to keep my mouth shut about everything. I couldn't tell anyone about anything and all evidence had to be destroyed. Of course I wasn't stupid and would make copies of things just to be safe but according to him, it would all be gone.
In turn, he would bury everything about me. I made sure that Edward didn't read that part of the documents. I still needed to tell him though. Nothing would be disclosed about the drugs or the alcohol. The law suits would be retracted from the courts and Jacob would do a good job of hiding them although I knew their existence couldn't be erased completely now that they were filed.
I could keep Will, fully, without question and no one would be the wiser to the massive battle that we were about to have in court. Jasper would be pissed at me for going over his head on this but Will was the main goal. He was the only thing I cared about. The money and everything else didn't matter.
It was a good deal. I could keep my son, I didn't have to go through the firestorm of criticism about my past and Jacob was out of my life. I would still have to tell my parents and Edward more about what I went through but it was start.
I shoved the papers back to Jacob after I neatly scrawled my signature on them. He signed them as well.
"Good, tell Alabama to retract the papers tomorrow." Jacob said.
"I'll get on that first thing in the morning." I stood up from my seat and put on my coat, "I guess we're done...forever." I replied with finality.
"Good. I don't ever want to see you two again."
"We've been through this before Jacob. You let me just walk out and then brought me right back here into this situation. This is final. I get Will, you get to keep your squeaky clean image and everything is buried." I spelled it out for him.
"Exactly. Don't open your mouth and I won't open mine."
We all stood around idly for a few minutes, not knowing how to handle the situation.
"You can tell the good doctor that he can go back to Bermuda now." Jacob ginned at me.
"How did you know about that?" I asked, masking my shock well with my acting.
"Bella, this is my city. Nothing happens here that I don't know about."
I laughed darkly, "Will he even make it back to Bermuda?"
Jacob shrugged, "We had an agreement as well. He broke it. Who knows what could happen." His vague answer scared the shit out of me. I was going to have Jasper set up some kind of protective detail to help the doctor get back to his waiting family.
"Get out." Jacob waved his hand like we were nothing.
"Just don't call us ever again." Edward led me out of the conference room and down the hall.
Once we were in the elevator, we stood on opposite sides of the cabin, just looking at each other on the way down.
"Are you sure we did the right thing?" I asked him.
"I don't know. We have what we want but I can't stop thinking that we sold out." He shrugged.
"At least nothing is going to get into the papers."
"That's good for you and Will."He nodded.
"And you. We can't forget that this is good for you."
"I don't give a shit about me Bella. As long as we have Will and Jacob's out of our lives, I'm good."
I walked into his arms and rested my head on his chest, "Jasper's going to be mad at me. He wanted to kill Jacob."
"As does the rest of the family. They'll probably all be mad at our decision." He rested his head on top of mine.
"I hope we did the right thing."
From where I was standing, it felt like we were heading in the right direction.
"Let's go home." I kissed him.
"We can finally move on with our lives." Edward held me tightly until we got to the very bottom floor.
Edward held my hand as we drove away from Black & Uley and the air finally felt...cleared.
Of course from my end, things would never be over. First, I had to tell everyone that I had lost a child, that Renee, Phil and Charlie lost a grandchild, that Will lost a brother. That was going to be hard but I knew everyone would understand and as long as Edward was there, it would all be ok. Second, I had to get everything else off of my chest. Edward needed to know.
He was probably the only one I would tell about the aftermath of Benjamin's death. Maybe I would tell Charlie and Renee but that would come later, after I went to see a therapist. I needed help and that much, I knew. I just hoped that this was something I could get over. I had Will, I had Edward and I had my family. The rest would fall into place.
"Can I drop you off so that I can go to the grocery store? I want to make something for dinner, kind of a thank you to Renee and Phil." I asked as we neared the brownstone.
"Sure. When do you want to leave?"
"I have to be in Boston next Monday so probably tomorrow would be best. I have more preproduction stuff to do and your father is being very generous with me. I've already missed a lot from this trip to Chicago." I sighed.
"It's alright. My father is a cold hearted beast." Edward chuckled, "Do you want me to help you shop?"
"No, you need to go pack." I gave him a short kiss when we switched seats. He went inside and I pulled off onto the street.
I shopped for about an hour, trying to relax from my stressful day, and was surprised that no one was on my tail. It was still pretty early in the night so I guess people were just getting ready for work tomorrow. While I was in the store, I called Jasper to explain to him what had happened.
Like I thought, he was furious and told me that he would meet me at the house after he went to get the papers from Jacob. By now, I knew that they had been notarized and set in stone. It really wasn't smart of me to sign those without Jasper present.
The whole time I was shopping for groceries, I was just praying that this was would end well.
I decided to make an entire feast for Renee and Phil. They had housed Edward and I for our entire trip without complaining and I was more than happy to feed them on my last night here.
I texted Edward just as I left the store but didn't get a response.
I pulled up to the house, grabbed the bags and went to the door.
I went inside with the key Phil had given me and was happy to get out of the cold. I walked into the foyer, set the bags down and took off my lawyers of clothing. Some of the lights were on but mostly upstairs.
There was a noise on the stairs and I whipped around to see Jasper sitting on the bottom step.
"Holy shit. You scared me." I calmed down, "Why are you sitting here in the dark?"
"What did you do Bella?" He said lowly.
"What do you mean? I know you're mad about me not consulting you with the papers but I thought it was the right thing to do at the time." I picked up the bags and went into the kitchen. I could hear him following me.
I set the stuff down on the counter and started unpacking it.
"Where's Edward?" I asked.
"He left Bella." Jasper voice was dry and filled with sadness.
"What do mean he left?" I turned around.
"What did you think you were doing?" He held up a thick manilla envelope and threw it on the kitchen island in front of me.
"What is this?" I couldn't speak above a whisper.
"That is you, drugged up, boozed up, coked up, fucked up. Please tell me you have a twin out there."
"Who sent you these?" I frantically poured the contents of the folder out and almost fell to the floor at everything I saw.
There were pictures of me that were something that I didn't ever want anyone to see.
I was more than fucked up. I looked dead.
There were hundreds of pictures and none of them showed me in anything less than a high state. There were video tapes to go along with the pictures and these would never paint me in a good light.
"Did...did Edward see these?" My entire body was shaking.
"Yeah. He went through them all." Jasper replied and picked up a picture, "What happened Bella?"
"I...I need to speak to Edward."
"He left Bella." He repeated and caught me before I hit the floor.
"But he promised he wouldn't leave. He promise me." I was beyond tears. My voice was cracking and my throat was dry, in need of water.
"How did you expect him to react?"
"I don't know but he should have stayed and talked to me about this." I was actually angry.
"He gave me this." Jasper pulled a note out of his back pocket, "Explain things to me when you're ready." He got off the floor and started to put on his coat.
I opened Edward's letter with trembling hands but didn't feel like reading it.
"He left and didn't have the nerve to ask me what was going on? I was gone for one hour. How the hell did things change so quickly?" I got off the floor. I was done crying over men.
"He knows what happened. These pictures don't lie Bella."
"I was going through things at the time. I needed...something."
"He was so shocked, I think it just scared him."
"Sit down Jasper, I have some things to tell you."
I recanted my whole story and Jasper was the first person who knew it all from start to finish. I needed to get it all out and ideally, Edward would be sitting across from me but he wasn't here. By now, I had the story down to an hour and could spit it out pretty well.
Jasper just sat there without saying a word when I was done. I played with the hem of my shirt and thought about how things went from perfect to hell in two seconds flat.
"I know why he left." I said quietly, "He got scared. I would too. I don't blame him."
"This is a situation that I can't get involved in Bella." Jasper said, "I'm sorry but this is too deep for me. Edward...he just needs time to process this."
"I know." I nodded and suddenly felt exhausted.
"Do you parents know?"
"No one knows...except Jacob. I realize that it was a mistake to keep this from Edward for so long but now you see why I did. Not many people can handle my past." I dropped my head and needed to get to sleep immediately or I was going to fall over.
"You have to tell them."
"I will."
Jasper helped me climb the stairs to my room and I think I heard Renee ask what was wrong with me and where Edward was but I was too tired to explain things.
I heard the door to my room shut and tried to get sleep, I needed to get sleep but without Edward, I couldn't. My entire body didn't react right without his chest, my favorite pillow, under my head.
I was woken up lightly by warm hands.
"Bella, it's time to go."
"Edward?" I groggily opened my eyes.
"No, its Jasper. I got us a flight. It's leaving in two hours. I wanted to let you get some rest before I got you up."
"I have to get home to see Edward." I stumbled out of bed and Jasper caught me again.
"I already packed your things. We have to go."
It was really early in the morning so I didn't have time to tell Renee and Phil goodbye like I wanted to but I wrote them a twelve page letter, explaining everything. I couldn't afford to keep things from anyone anymore.
I told them all I could about Benjamin and the drugs. I hoped that they wouldn't look at me differently like Edward obviously did. Against his wishes, Jasper quickly retracted the papers against Jacob and the law suits would be kept under wraps.
The morning trip back was quick and made surprisingly better by Jasper. He a calming affect on me and sitting next to him in the plane was actually better than I thought it would be.
We touched down at LAX at four in the morning LA time and I was jittery the whole way through the airport. Paparazzi was there and got lots of pictures and I probably came off like a total bitch. This was my first real experience when I could have cared less about the outside world. I just want to go home. If I still had a home with Edward.
Tyler was there to pick us up and was mostly silent for the ride home, which was uncharacteristic of him.
We dropped Jasper off first and he gave me a sad smile before closing his door. Then were were off, back to the Hills.
"Is he mad at me?" I asked Tyler.
"I don't know what happened in Chicago but he's sure mad at someone. He keeps saying that he's fine but I've known Edward for a long time and I've never seen him act like this."
"When did he get in?"
"Late last night. Maybe six hours ago? He's been pacing ever sense."
"That sounds like him." I nodded to myself.
Tyler helped me with my one bag when we got back to the house and I was glad that the children were asleep because Edward and I needed to talk alone. Tyler left after he unlocked the door and I was suddenly alone.
I walked into the dark house, put my bag down, and kicked off my shoes.
I found Edward sitting at the kitchen table, his head down, his hands wrapped around a mug of coffee.
I stayed silent as I watched him clink his fingers on the glass.
"You promised me you wouldn't leave." My voice was raspy and I made the tears stay hidden.
He looked startled and stood up from his chair clumsily, "Bella...when did you get here?"
"A couple of minutes ago." I shrugged, "Why didn't you stay so we could talk?"
"I...I didn't know what was going on. I saw those pictures and freaked. Was that really you Bella?"
I nodded, "I was messed up and obviously you can see that I did some things that I'm not proud of but you didn't even let me explain."
"You're right." He sat back down and crossed his arms, "Explain."
I didn't really know what to say but I was going to fumble through some sort of apology.
"Well...after Benjamin, I needed something. I needed something to tell me that I was alive. I was so messed up and then one day...I took something and for a little while, I didn't have any pain. I needed it Edward and I never meant to take it that far. To be honest, I should be dead right now but I got help."
"But drugs Bella? What the hell were you thinking?" He shook his head.
"I needed...something." I repeated.
"So get a hobby, pick up yoga, do normal stuff. Don't get hopped up on cocaine. Do you even realize what I saw in that folder? It scared the shit out of me. Do you know what people are going to say about this?"
"I thought you didn't care. You told me that you would stand by me and I told you that I had some skeletons in my closet..."
"But not drug filled closets. Jacob said..."
"Jacob sent you these?" I reached in my pocket and threw a stack of pictures on the table. I already knew that he sent them but conformation only made me feel more defeated.
"Yes and I'm glad he did. When were you planning on telling me this?" He almost shouted.
"I swear that I was going to do it last night. I know it's been too long."
"Hindsight's always twenty-twenty isn't it Bella? You should have done this , you should have done that. It's disgusting what you've been keeping from me."
"I know and I never meant to hurt you."
"You should have told me about this so I wasn't totally blindsided. I feel...so confused. I don't know what to do." He ran his hands through his hair.
"I'm the same Bella." I whispered.
"Which Bella? The Bella who takes care our kids and has a new acting career or the Bella who likes to shot drugs up her arm?"
"That was just one year Edward. I got my life together after that." I moved closer to him but he moved back so I planted my feet firmly in place.
"I don't know if I liked what I saw in there. Of course I don't like what I saw in there but I don't know if I can get past it. I'm sorry."
"I know." I could feel the tears start to sting my eyes but wasn't going to let them take me, "I never meant to hurt you but this is why I was so reluctant to tell you everything. I knew you couldn't handle it."
"You'll be gone in a week to Boston and I...I think we need some time apart."
My chest collapsed inside of my body and it was a wonder that I was still standing up, "Please don't do this." I pleaded, not caring that the tears were flowing.
"I can't have you around my kids. I don't know if I can trust you. How do I know you haven't been doing drugs this whole time?"
He said 'his kids' and that hurt me the most of all.
"You know me Edward. I'm nothing like those pictures." I moved closer still and didn't care that he moved even further away from me, "You know me."
"I thought I did Bella." I gave me a look of pure shame that was deadly, like throwing darts through his stare, "We need to take a break and reevaluate this."
"But we...we just got Will." I was pulling at straws now.
"I know and that makes me immensely happy. If only I could feel that same way about his mother."
The next week was one of the worst of my life.
Edward slept in the guestroom and we barely spoke at all.
We were good enough actors to put up a show for the kids but there was nothing when we were alone. No hugs, no kisses, no touches. He didn't even look at me without his eyes clouding over in shame and disgust. I spent as much time with the kids as I could because I didn't know how much time I was going to get to see them over the next few months. I took the boys to a fair, I took Dani shopping and I made sure that they knew how much I loved them.
I ached for Edward's hands on my body, his voice filing my ears, my name falling from his lips. I almost couldn't do it. Thankfully, I was really busy with preproduction work so I didn't have a lot of time to spend alone with him.
Over the week, I had wardrobe fittings, makeup tests, line reviews and almost everything else that had to come with the advent of a movie.
Alice was my only comfort. Jasper had told her everything and I let him do it because I needed someone to do talk to. She was furious at Edward but I begged her not to push him into anything. He needed time to think about this and I prayed that he would come to the right conclusion.
I didn't bother calling Jacob to unleash hell on him. I knew he wouldn't keep up his end of the bargain but Jasper explained to me that this was my fault. I should have never signed anything without him present.
My mother called me the morning I got back to California and we talked on the phone the whole day. There was a lot to say to each other and I had lots of explaining to do. She nearly reached through the phone and smacked me for not telling her about Benjamin and I could only say sorry so many times before I got tired out. I called Charlie after that and told him the same story I had told over the past couple of days.
He didn't say much but gave several disapproving grunts when I got to the drugs and then the shouting came when I told him about the contract I signed. He hung up on me, with a promise to kick Jacob's ass and I hadn't spoken to him since.
My last morning in LA came quicker than I wanted it to and no headway as far as Edward went. The few bags I had were packed and shipped to Boston, Carlisle was already there and Tyler was coming with me. Edward made no promises to come and visit and I didn't expect him to.
I sent the kids off to school with tearful goodbyes while Edward stood and just watched. I didn't feel right leaving them when I just got home. I wanted to pack them up in my suitcases and put them on the plane.
"So...are you going to come and visit me?" I asked Edward as we sat at the kitchen table, waiting for Tyler to pick up Alice and then me so that we could head to the airport.
"I don't know." He leaned back, "I might bring the kids up sometime. They would want to see you."
"They but not you?" My voice was the same way it had been for the past week. Sorrowful. Dry. Cracked. Gone.
"Not right now." He said softly.
"Tell me what to do Edward." I begged. I had been asking his forgiveness since I got back to LA. I needed to know that we were ok but he wasn't giving me any indication that we were.
"Just let me think." He shrugged.
"How long will that take?"
He didn't even look like he was going to answer.
The doorbell rang and I wiped my face before getting up.
"I'll see you...soon." I said, almost hopefully. He didn't even get up to tell me goodbye or walk me to the door. He just nodded and that was all I got from him, "I love you Edward."
I walked away from him and kept myself together until I got into the car. I broke down on Alice's shoulder while I blubbered my apologies...to who? I don't know.
We touched down in Boston late in the afternoon as the sun was just beginning to set and by that time, my eyes had shed their last teat for Edward.
I wasn't going to spend months all the way across the country from him, balling, begging him to take me back. If he didn't want me because of my past then it was going to be his burden to bear. I loved him, he knew that and I apologized as much as I could. I needed to know what he wanted me to do to make it up to him. I would do anything.
I could only pray that it wasn't too late for us.
HOLY SEPARATED BELLA AND EDWARD BATMAN
WHAT A JERK. I CAN'T BELIEVE EDWARD WOULD BE SO...I DON'T EVEN HAVE A WORD FOR IT. HE'S JUST CONFUSED BUT HE COULD HAVE BEEN NICER.
JUST A MESS.
DON'T HATE ME BECAUSE ITS ALL APART OF THE STORY. I WANT TO EXPLORE A "HOLLYWOOD BREAKUP" FROM AN OUTSIDERS POINT OF VIEW. SHOULD BE FUN.
UPDATES WILL BE KIND OF JUMPY SINCE WORK IS A PAIN IN MY ASS BUT I'LL DO THE BEST I CAN
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