A/N: Wow, I honestly never thought this day would come. Here is the last official chapter of "Finding Our Way" for you all; it's pretty long but hopefully I was able to do it justice. Thank you all so so so much for being such an incredible fandom and for welcoming me to the FF world with your kind words and reviews. I've loved writing this story so much, and have no plans to quit writing fics any time soon, so you'll see me again! If not in GA or PP then most likely trolling around the Castle, Doctor Who, or Friday Night Lights fandoms. haha. Anyway, I have two epilogues planned for this story, and I've already started writing the first so that should hopefully be up sooner rather than later. Hope you enjoy this last chapter!
I'm not completely opposed to the idea of sequels...I don't think there will be one for this story but I mean if any of you have any brilliant ideas for a FOW sequel, I'm open to it. Also, I'll keep updating the One Shots for sure.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Chapter 36
Addison's POV
As I sit downstairs in the dark living room at 4am nursing Josie, my mind flashes back to the first ever Montgomery family reunion Derek and I took the twins to back in March of 1990. Everyone has that cousin; that cousin who's constantly criticizing everything you do, from your career to your spouse to your children.
I have that cousin, and back when the twins were babies the first thing she criticized me on was how "tired I looked," and why one of the reasons she would never have children is – aside from the horrid stretch marks – not being able to sleep at night. I had argued that the twins were such good babies, and that I slept five hours a night, which was true…then.
However, Josephine Margaret Montgomery Shepherd is not her sisters. That much has been made clear in her short three weeks of life. It's not that she's been a particularly loud or fussy baby, but normal sleeping hours have not been her forte.
It's astonishing to both Derek and me, and Laurie for that matter, how much this little one resembles Rinny. I find myself thinking about this a lot during feedings, mostly because Rinny was so attached to me in that I couldn't fully wean her for a year. Especially that first semester back at school after having the twins, those five to eight hours a day I would be gone were really hard on little Rin. It came to the point where every day I would come home and immediately take her upstairs and we would sit in the nursery rocking chair for 30 to 45 minutes; I would nurse her, talk to her, let her keep hold of my fingers.
Oh I loved that baby so much. I felt a stronger connection to her than to anyone else in the world, sometimes – although I hate to admit it – even Laurie. But Laurie was such a happy-go-lucky little girl, she never met a stranger. It wasn't that I didn't love my little ginger look-alike more than I ever believed possible, but there was no denying that Rinny and I shared a special bond. Laurie needed me, but Rinny needed me.
And I still need her now. Eleven years passing doesn't change that.
Josie squirms slightly in my arms, almost as if she can feel my faraway thoughts of her big sister.
"Almost done, kiddo?" I coo, peeking underneath the small blanket I have draped over her.
Josie just looks up at me with those big blue eyes.
"Okay fine," I smile down at her tiredly. "But I am so using this against you when you're older. Mama's tired, baby girl." It's gotten to the point where I don't even bother asking Derek to help with late-night feedings; it was one thing when we had twins but now that it's just the one baby and I'm not giving her formula yet, what's the point in two of us losing sleep? Especially since he's back at work now.
The room is quiet, save for the occasional rustle of tree branches outside. It's a surprisingly clear night, the light of the full moon shining straight through the large glass window facing over the hill.
I think about Laurie upstairs in her room; is she okay? Is she finally getting some sleep? No matter what she may think, she's not fooling anyone. Derek and I both know she's hardly sleeping anymore – three hours at best every night. Along with spring break, Laurie's school has been closed an extra two weeks because of the shooting.
No one really knows what to think of that day – personally, I don't like to think about it at all – because while it was terrifying to say the least, no one died. There were nine injuries total, and I know one of Laurie's teachers is still in recovery from surgery. I thank God every day my daughter wasn't in that classroom when it happened.
Monday, three days from now, will be Laurie and her friends' first day back at school. She's been back to see Dr. Wyatt a few times during the break; the first time Derek almost had to drag her, but now I think she's realizing that talking to a third party helps, just as it helped last summer. And God knows she can't talk to me without me becoming a weeping, blubbery mess, in part because of the hormones, but also because I can't bear to revisit that day, when I was afraid I lost my little ginger look-alike for good.
Pulling the blanket off of my shoulder, I look down at Josie again; she's fallen asleep on me. Letting out a quiet chuckle, I lay her on my shoulder to pat her back. She makes herself comfortable, turning her face in toward my neck the way both her sisters used to do.
"My sweet girl," I whisper, pressing a kiss to her tiny forehead. Looking at this beautiful baby, I'm overwhelmed with love even more so than when she was born. As a woman I never believed in love at first sight, but as a mother of three perfect girls, I can honestly say there's no other word for it when you lay eyes on your child for the first time. My babies gave me love at first sight. And Josie is a miracle. Conceived in an on-call room last summer, she's a living, breathing symbol of the love Derek and I still have for one another; the love we thought we had lost until our Laurie's life was on the line.
Josie hiccup-burps in her sleep, snuggling further into my neck.
"I suppose I should take you back up to bed now, huh?" I yawn, kissing her dark curls. "Mommy loves you so much, sweetheart."
Standing up slowly, I place a hand on Josie's tiny back and head toward the kitchen for a glass of water. I've lost count of the number of times per day I say "I love you" to my youngest daughter now, almost as if those months of agonizing depression and screaming I didn't want this "thing" inside me left a permanent mark on her, one that says her mother doesn't love her.
I reach into the cabinet one-handed for a plastic cup when out of nowhere I'm startled by the kitchen light turning on behind me. I spin around, dropping the plastic cup, which lands on the floor with a loud clatter.
"Oh my God!" Laurie gasps.
Josie starts fussing in my arms, not pleased with being awoken by a loud noise. My hand automatically goes to pat her back attempting to comfort her, but really all I notice is the scared look in Laurie's reddened eyes, the way her knuckles are turning white from her grip on the counter top. I feel a pang in my chest just looking at her and have to repress the urge to pull her into my arms.
But her look goes away as quickly as it came.
"I uh," she stammers. "I'm sorry I didn't know you were down here I was just…I'm sorry." And with that she's gone just as soon as she came, leaving me with a crying baby.
"Shh, Josie, shh…" I bounce her up and down slightly, trying to get her to fall back asleep. Normally I would be irked with Laurie for not being careful and waking her sister, but given the circumstances all I want to do now is get Josie to fall back asleep so I can go check on her.
"Come on honey, it's okay it was just your sister, shh…"
Josie's cries grow quieter and she places her fist against my neck. I pick up the little hand and leave a lingering kiss, turning the light off and heading upstairs.
Once I get her in her crib, Josie's quiet.
"Thank you," I whisper to no one in particular, and make my way toward Laurie's bedroom.
She lies facing away from me but I can tell by the stiffness of her shoulder there's no way she can be asleep.
"Laurie, honey?" I whisper.
She sighs, almost like she expected me to come up here. "Yeah…"
"Still can't sleep, huh?"
"Nope," she answers tersely.
Without even asking I go sit on the edge of her bed. I place a hand on her shoulder and feel it tense up even more.
Surprisingly, I don't even know what to say here; there's nothing I can say besides "I thank God every day I still have you."
"Laurie," I start. "I thank God every day I still have you."
"I know," she responds. "But Mom…every time I close my eyes I'm back in that closet with Maggie. Like…like how I used to be back in that van with…with…"
She turns to face me and I notice her eyes are glassed over with unshed tears.
I don't say anything, instead I just lie down next to her, enveloping her in a tight embrace; finally my stomach is no longer an obstacle. She doesn't cry, she just melts against me, fitting perfectly like a puzzle piece.
"I'm sorry I woke Josie up," she says after a moment. "I was thirsty and didn't know you were down there…"
"It's okay, sweetheart," I respond. "She went right back to sleep. Although it took me almost an hour to feed her this time…I think the breast milk may have made her a little hung over," I joke, trying to lighten the mood.
"Ew Mom, didn't need to know that," Laurie chuckles quietly. At least I got a smile out of her.
"But at least I got to see that smile." I run the back of my hand along her cheek.
"Jana's not sleeping either," Laurie says, ignoring my comment. "She says sometimes she thinks she can still hear it."
I hold her tighter against me, rubbing soft circles on her back.
"I don't know how we're all supposed to feel safe in that building again," Laurie admits.
"Well," I begin. "I'm not saying it's gonna be easy but I think with time it'll be alright. You'll be alright."
"Mrs. Maxson my physics teacher is still recovering from surgery," Laurie chokes. "We're gonna have a sub on Monday."
"Shh, honey," I whisper, placing a kiss on her forehead. "Mrs. Maxson is going to be just fine. And hey, you should know that better than anyone – Dr. Burke operated on her."
"I know, I know," she sighs. "It's just horrible and I don't think I'll ever be able to understand it, no matter how many times I talk with Dr. Wyatt. I don't think I'll ever understand how so many bad things can happen in the world, Mom."
Sometimes having as big of a heart as my girl does have its downsides.
"Listen Laurie," I sigh. "I know there are a lot of things that happen around us that we have no control over. Bad things happen to good people – I see it every day in my work and I don't think I'll ever understand it either. But – and I know I said this before – so long as we have each other, we have family and friends, I think that means everything's going to be okay. I know that I love you and your sisters more than anything else in the world. I know that you three are the best things to ever happen to me. Just remember that, okay…" My voice breaks.
"I love you too, Mom," Laurie whispers. "And that little eating machine you gave birth to three weeks ago." Once again, I see her crack a slight smile.
"Oh I wouldn't be calling her names hon; you had your share of little baby quirks too."
"Who said anything about name calling? She looks like Dad, it's only right she eats like a guy too."
"I guess I can't argue with that," I nod, smiling.
"Thanks for checking in on me," Laurie says, looking up at me.
I take my thumb and wipe away any stray tears. I feel my chest tighten once more, like it does every time I see the redness in her beautiful blue eyes. "I'll stay right here with you if you want to try and get some sleep," I tell her.
"Actually…can I sleep in your room? Just for tonight? I know I'm kind of too old but…"
"Honey, you'll always be our baby, no matter how old we get," I smile. "Of course it's okay."
As soon as Laurie gets to our bedroom she snuggles up as closely as possible to Derek, like the strong bond the two of them share is physically pulling her to him. Looking at the clock, I realize it's only another three hours or so before the "eating machine" wakes up again, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Lying down next to my older daughter, I let out a long sigh and close my eyes, eventually falling back into dreamland.
Lauren's POV
For the past three weeks, soccer has been both the first and last thing on my mind, if that's even possible.
The first, because when bad things happen – like getting attacked by a rapist or someone shooting up your school – the only thing I want to do is go out to the field with nothing but my ball and cleats.
The last, because when bad things happen – like getting attacked by a rapist or someone shooting up your school – I shouldn't want to go out to the field with nothing but my ball and cleats. If Mom had her way, the only thing I'd be doing is talking to Dr. Wyatt; but if I've learned anything over the past year, it's that words are not always the best way to deal with what life hands you.
I think about Mom and Josie; Mom spent the last half of her pregnancy in agony, missing Rinny, shouting angry words about the new little girl growing inside her who she was afraid to love. But when Josie was born, there were no words to describe how that love for her just exploded; there was no stopping it after all.
I think about Meredith and her mother, Ellis; words are what destroyed their relationship in the first place, and now because of the Alzheimer's, anything Ellis says are as if she's speaking to her five year old, instead of her 27 year old who is now a doctor too.
Soccer is the way I deal with what life hands me, no matter what life hands me. At least that's what I told myself over and over again yesterday, when the letter came in the mail.
"Charlie, I don't want to talk about school right now," I repeat, lying down on a park bench with my head in his lap. It's a warm spring afternoon in Seattle, and off in the distance I can see little kids playing Frisbee in the large green lawn.
Needless to say, the first time I saw him after the shooting he was both angry and extremely relieved. Relieved that I'm okay, so to speak, yet angry that he couldn't "be there to protect me," just like my parents.
"Okay, okay, fine." Charlie holds his hands up in defeat. "I won't bring it up again. But if you think holding everything in is gonna-"
"For the love of God I am not holding everything in!" I explode, sitting up. "I just want to get through this day without constantly dreading going back tomorrow; now is that alright with you?" I've never taken this tone with him before, and he looks surprised. I immediately apologize, looking down at my hands.
"Hey, don't worry about it," Charlie lets out a small smile.
"I'm not mad at you," I say quickly.
"I know." He pauses. "I just hope you know that I only ever want to keep you safe, Laurie. I love you."
I lean forward and kiss him, relishing in the feeling of his lips against mine. "I love you too," I whisper, my forehead pressed against his. We stay in an embrace for what feels like forever, and I sigh contentedly as the spring breeze blows through my hair.
"Charlie," I start, pulling away. "There's something I need to tell you. It's nothing bad, but I haven't told my parents – or anyone – yet, Mom's been so busy with Josie, so if you could just keep it between us…"
"Say no more," he says, pulling me against his chest. "What is it?"
I take a deep breath, hesitating before reaching into my bag and pulling out an already-opened envelope.
"Whoa that looks serious…you didn't get sued did you?" He chuckles.
I elbow him lightly in the ribs jokingly. "Oh yeah…I forgot to tell you I totaled that one guy's car the other day…"
"Very funny. Now seriously what is that?"
"It's from Stanford," I answer slowly.
"Stanford," he repeats, like he's never heard the word before. "Like Stanford Stanford?"
"Yeah," I breathe. "That Stanford."
"But, you still have another year of high school left," he responds, confused. "What are they doing sending you letters already?"
"Well…I took my SATs over a month ago now and, and I got a 2215. It was kind of low, compared to all the kids who wanna get in to Harvard, but…"
"Are you kidding me? 2215 is a bitchin' score. I got my ass kicked with a 1960…I'm so proud of you, babe," he smiles, kissing me again. "Wait…your parents know about the SAT, right?"
"Thanks," I smile. "And no, not yet. Mom's just getting back on her feet and Dad just went back to work…"
Charlie gives me a look.
"Dude, the point of having parents is being able to tell them stuff like this," he says.
"I know, I know, I should tell them, I'm just…being careful I guess. Anyway, Stanford sent me a letter because as soon as I got my SAT scores back and my advisor said admissions would love them, I sent them off…along with a transcript and soccer video."
"Now how did you pull that one off?" He looks at me with that smile again, one that tells me he's already proud of me without even having to say so. I feel my cheeks starting to blush.
"I asked Olivia Mitchell – remember her, the president of the film club? I asked her if she could come to some of our games last season and film me. I couldn't believe it when she said yes – she was so sweet about it – but she put a bunch of footage together and Jen checked it out, said it was good to go, so I sent it to Stanford." I take another deep breath. "Charlie they want me to come train with them this summer." I feel a stupid grin already making its way onto my face; this is the first time I've said it out loud, and now it seems so much more real.
"What?" He looks at me, shocked.
"I know, that's what I thought when I opened it yesterday," I respond.
"Here, let me see it," he says, and I hand him the letter. He reads aloud the first few lines:
Dear Miss Shepherd,
First, I would like to personally thank you for the recruiting video you sent to us. After watching it in full with other members of the coaching staff, it was clear to me from the beginning that you show excellent team leadership, sportsmanship, and talent, and a lot of heart for the game. On behalf of the Stanford University Women's Soccer program, it is my pleasure to invite you to our 2007 summer team training, in preparation for the upcoming season, for the months of July and August.
"Wow," Charlie breathes.
"Signed, Coach Paul Ratcliffe," I finish. "It's so official."
For a moment, Charlie just sits in silence.
"I'm not the only girl invited though," I say quickly. "See at the end of the letter it says there's another…Monica Bettinger from a high school in LA…so this may not even mean anything! They haven't officially recruited me."
Charlie finally finds his voice. "Yeah but they may as well have! Laurie this is incredible!" He pulls me into a tight embrace, kissing me for so long I feel like people will eventually start to stare. But right now I could not care less.
"You're gonna be a star down there," he says.
"I think you're forgetting one thing…" I trail off.
"What?"
"My parents."
"Oh yeah," he frowns.
"What if they don't let me go?"
"Are you nuts? From what you've told me they've been nothing but supportive with you and soccer…why the hell would they not let you go?" Charlie asks incredulously.
"Ha, you didn't know my mom when I was younger. Back when I was twelve, that summer I went to a two-week soccer camp in North Carolina; 500 miles away for two weeks. When I got home Mom wouldn't let me out of her sight for days she missed me so much. Since Rinny died she's always been kind of overprotective; there's no way she's gonna let me spend an entire summer away from home before I've even graduated high school. No way." I look down at the letter again, my hands starting to shake just at the thought of getting to train with real college girls.
"But Laurie, this is so much different than some summer camp. You know it, and I think she knows it too. This is your future, your dream, and it's coming true; this is proof of it." He waves the letter around.
"You're right," I respond after a moment. "I know Dad will want me to go; he and my uncle played soccer for Bowdoin back in the day…so he can't really say no," I smirk. "Not to mention he's basically been training me since I could walk."
"No kidding," Charlie agrees. "So it's just the mom you'll have to get through?"
"That's what I'm thinking," I respond slowly. "That, and about the fact that I'm gonna miss two months of Josie's life…I mean if I go to Stanford for college I'm gonna miss so much already…" I get sad, thinking about that.
"Laurie," Charlie says my name gently, tilting my chin up with his hand to look at him. "I know it's hard thinking about being away from your sister – as much as mine annoy me I can't help but think about it too, missing all their dance recitals and basketball games, or giving the low-down to every guy who asks them on a date – but when Josie's older, she's gonna look at you and be so proud of everything you've done. She's gonna be able to say 'my big sister is a star soccer player at Stanford.' How many other little girls do you think will be able to say that?"
My eyes prickle at the sincerity of his words. "Not many," I smile sadly.
"That's right, not many. So you do what you need to do here. This is your dream," he smiles, holding me close. Overhead the sun shines down on us, comforting me enough to make me never want to leave the solitude of our park bench.
"Charlie," I start, holding his face in my palms. "I just want you to know that I've always…ever since you saved me from that dingy little diner back in North Dakota…I want you to know that I really, really love you." I press my forehead against his again and he runs a hand up and down my back gently.
It's so true though; I have never felt about anyone the way I feel about Charlie Miller. It's gotten to the point where I no longer care about what people think – that we're just a couple of teenage stereotypes and that we'll "grow out of it and find our true loves" – I know that he's the one for me. He takes my pain away in so many ways, and that other kind of pain – I don't even feel it anymore when we're together, you know, like together. Now the only thing I can feel is love.
I don't want to get married any time soon; we both want to finish college and get into medical school. But we want to do those things together. We want to be by each other's side the whole time, encouraging and loving, knowing that we're meant for each other.
"And I just want you to know that I really, really love you too," he smiles against my lips and before I know it we're stuck in another long embrace. "You know, I wasn't going to do this until later," he starts. "But you bringing up this letter made me think, and I think this would be a better time."
"What are you talking about?" I ask, leaning against his chest. He kisses my temple softly.
"Well I sort of…got you something last week because after what happened at your school I realized I never want to take anything for granted again. My friends, family…you. Life is short and bad things can happen."
"Honey this is getting a little morbid," I chuckle.
"Just, let me finish," he says. "I never want to take you for granted, ever. So I got you this."
He pulls out a little black box and for a second I think my heart is going to fall down into my stomach.
Opening the little box, I notice it's a ring; silver with a little turquoise diamond in the middle, my birthstone. "Charlie…" I whisper.
"It's not an engagement ring," he says right away and I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding. "It's a promise ring. So that when you're away at Stanford, or I'm in Chicago, you'll always know how much I love you."
A couple tears fall down my cheeks as he places the ring on my left ring finger. I then throw myself into his arms, holding him tightly and crying.
"I promise."
Addison's POV
"Is there any evidence of vasospasm or bleeding?" Meredith Grey asks Derek as the both of them stand over their patient, a middle-aged woman with a (quite large) brain aneurysm.
"No, looks good," Derek replies.
I sit next to Miranda Bailey in the gallery, watching them operate. The both of us sit holding our babies, Miranda's son only a little bit older than Josie and one of the most difficult deliveries I've ever experienced.
I wasn't planning on coming in to work anytime soon, hence having my baby with me, but when Derek got called in to operate on a woman with a large aneurysm, I decided it might be good to get out of the house and look over some patient notes. And I've actually loved being able to show off my newest little girl, and show her what her daddy does.
"So you think they'll move to Paris?" Meredith asks Derek. I'm guessing the question has something to do with their patient.
"I hope so," is all Derek responds with.
He hasn't seen Josie or me sitting up here yet, so I'm caught off guard when suddenly I see him gazing right at us. At first he seems surprised, but then I notice him ease into a small smile, that smile I fell in love with all those years ago.
Picking up Josie's little hand, I wave at him.
"There's your daddy, little one," I whisper. "There's your daddy."
"Addison, what are you doing here?" Derek asks when I find him standing on the catwalk after his surgery.
"I started getting a little stir crazy so when you got called in I decided to come and check on some patient notes. And then I noticed you were still in surgery, so…" I turn and look out the large window; a fog rolled in, completely erasing all memory of today's warm spring breeze.
Derek just watches me for a moment before holding his arms out for his daughter.
"Hey Josie-girl," he says. "You think you wanna be a surgeon yet?"
Josie yawns, rubbing her face with her little fist. Only three weeks old, she's still in that all-I-do-is-eat-sleep-and-poop stage.
"I'd give it a little more time," I chuckle. "Derek, you…you were really good in there," I say softly.
"Thanks," he says, leaning back against the railing. "Remember back when we were residents, getting called in for surgeries at all hours and then going home and complaining about whatever arrogant attending we were forced to operate with?"
"Hey they weren't all that bad," I smirk. "I seem to remember one teacher who liked you so much he offered you a job in Seattle. If it weren't for his offer, we wouldn't be standing here together right now with our beautiful little girl," I whisper.
Derek sighs. "I know. I was thinking about that a lot today, working with Meredith. Addison, I don't regret anything. I don't regret taking you back, I don't regret moving here, or having another baby. I know parts of this past year have been…impossible…but I don't regret anything."
Without even thinking I let myself fall into his embrace, leaning my head against his shoulder and placing one hand on Josie's back.
"I don't either," I say quietly. "I love you, Derek."
He wraps one free arm around me tighter. "I love you too, Addison."
"So your patient is gonna make it, huh?" I mutter into his shoulder.
"She is," he nods. "I don't think I've ever dealt with an aneurysm that big before, but she'll pull through. It's lucky she came here though, every other surgeon she went to turned her away."
"Well that's what makes you you," I smile. "You don't quit."
A silence is shared between us for a moment, the both of us still standing in an embrace.
"We don't quit," Derek says.
"What?" I whisper, even though I heard him.
"We don't quit," he repeats. "We're Addison and Derek, and we don't quit."
Lauren's POV
That night I can hear the crickets through the open window, chirping in a harmony that lets us know summer is only a few short months away. I sit in the living room, home alone with a book and my heart pounding quickly, both because of what now sits on my left ring finger and because of the letter.
Dad got pulled into an emergency surgery but should be back soon and Mom took Josie to the hospital with her to check on some patient files, according to both of their earlier messages. Dad in particular always hated working weekends when I was younger; well, basically until a little over a year ago when he stopped coming home at night.
I jump a little in my seat when I hear the front door unlock. A minute later I notice Mom walking into the room with a drowsy Josie in tow.
"She asleep already?" I ask.
"Out like a light," Mom chuckles, rubbing the baby's tiny back. "Your dad said he'd be back soon, just after he finishes post-op rounds. You know the drill."
"Yeah I know," I respond, trying not to sound too anxious about what I'm going to confront her with tonight. "Hey, do you mind if I hold Josie for a little bit?"
"Oh, sure," Mom says, sounding surprised. "Come on Josie-girl, you can go sleep on your sister, huh…"
I smile, raising my arms to take my little sister when Mom notices my finger.
"Laurie, what's that on your finger?" She asks.
"Um…" I start, cradling Josie against me. She makes a little sound in her sleep before settling. I can feel Mom's stare burning a hole in my forehead as she reaches for my hand, running a finger over the little turquoise diamond. "Charlie gave it to me," I tell her. I hear her take in a sharp breath.
"It's not an engagement ring Mom, he didn't propose or anything. We were at the park today and we were talking about…stuff…" I flash back to the letter, once again feeling the flutter in my stomach at having to tell her about it later. "And then he just…gave it to me, as a promise ring."
Mom takes in another deep breath, and for a moment I'm really not sure how she's going to react. I'm hoping it won't be a reenactment of her finding out about Charlie and my first time, but I like to think she's a little bit more stable of the mind now.
"Wow…I…I guess I don't really know what to say," she says. Now that I wasn't expecting.
"…really?" I raise an eyebrow at her. "Because a few months ago on my birthday when I came home late you said-"
"I know what I said," she interrupts me. "I was wrong. I handled it wrong…again. I'm here for you, hon." She sits on the chair arm rest and examines the ring again. "It's your birthstone. That boy really does love you, doesn't he?"
"Yeah he does," I nod. "And I love him too, Mom."
"Honey you're just so young, and I don't want you to get hurt, you know when you go off to college and he's…wherever he is…"
"I know," I say, leaning my head against her and breathing in Josie's scent. "But he's not gonna hurt me, I know it. I…I think he's the one. And I know how cliché and stereotypical that sounds but it's true, I can feel it."
"I just…I never thought this day would come," Mom says with a sadness to her voice.
"What day?"
"The day when my baby girl falls in love."
I look up at her and realize she's smiling. Leaning down, she presses a kiss to my forehead.
"It was just yesterday you were that big." She gestures to Josie, whose little fist rests against my neck. "And I was toting you and Rin around in Central Park in that little backpack…"
"This coming from the woman who just two nights ago said I would always be her baby no matter how old we got," I chuckle.
"That doesn't mean I can't reminisce," she says softly, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.
Josie gurgles, stretching her little arms out as she wakes up.
"Oh look, someone's awake," I coo, kissing her forehead. I pull my legs up and lean the baby back against my thighs; she grabs on to my fingers.
"You both have such beautiful eyes," Mom notes, stroking Josie's dark brown wisps. "Thank your dad for that…"
I tickle Josie's little belly and she coos some more – already growing up to be a talker – and I feel myself falling more and more in love with the chubby little nugget. She averts her gaze up at Mom.
"Is that Mama?" I ask, shaking her hand.
"Ha she's probably looking at me because she's getting hungry again," Mom chuckles. But the baby just yawns again, eyes drooping.
"No I think that was a false alarm," I say, cradling Josie against me again.
"You're such a good big sister," Mom whispers, kissing my head. "And I'm so glad you still have another year at home before you go off to college, so she'll get to know how great her big sister is."
Mom runs a hand through my hair then gets up and heads into the kitchen. For the second time today I feel my heart falling into the pit of my stomach, except this time it's not for a good reason. I don't say anything to my mother; I just look down at the little girl in my arms. How, thanks to me, she's not going to grow up with a sister who's present.
I hold Josie close and whisper, "I'm so sorry."
An hour later Dad's home, and I know what I have to do. But that doesn't make it any easier. I sit in the living room with Josie still in my lap, watching reruns of Doctor Who to try and calm my nerves.
"Always remember this Jose," I start. "We love British television. And David Tennant, you can never go wrong with David Tennant."
Josie stirs against my shoulder and I pat her back lightly.
"Maybe if you don't grow up to be a little terror I'll take you to London for your 13th birthday," I tell her. I shudder; when Josie turns 13 I'll be 30, basically old enough to be her mother.
"Who's going to London?" Dad asks, entering the room with a cold cloth in hand. Sometimes after a particularly tedious surgery he'll come home and lie down with one over his forehead to relax.
"I was just telling Josie if she doesn't turn into a little monster growing up I'll take her to London for her 13th birthday," I tell him. "I'm trying to get her hooked on British TV early in life."
Dad laughs, lying down on the couch, and it just now hits me that he'll probably fall asleep soon, and I can't hold this in any longer. I have to tell my parents tonight, and if Dad falls asleep I know I'll use the excuse of not wanting to wake him.
"Hey uh Dad…"
"Yeah?" He looks over at me.
"I…" I start. "How was the surgery?"
He sighs. "It was a good sized aneurysm, but we took care of it. I have Dr. Grey keeping an eye on her overnight. Why?"
"Um, the towel," I say stupidly.
"Oh, yeah," he notes, sitting up. "Honey, are you okay?" Crap, he already notices I'm turning into a stuttering mess. I think about telling him about the promise ring, then change my mind; I don't think my father has ever yelled at me like on my birthday when he found out about Charlie and me, and he seems stressed out enough tonight. Not to mention that other thing I still have to tell him.
"Yeah, oh yeah I'm fine," I respond a little too quickly. "I just, I have something to tell you but I need Mom in here too." I adjust Josie in my arms.
"Laurie, you're not pregnant are you?" Dad asks me, serious.
"No! No, God Dad, no I'm not pregnant." And thank God for that. "This doesn't have anything to do with that."
Dad exhales in relief and I almost have to laugh, imagining his face when the day comes that I actually am pregnant, and on my own terms. Handing him Josie, I call Mom into the room.
"What is it, hon?" She asks. Series three of Doctor Who plays in the background, and I try to let David Tennant's voice relax me.
"I'm going to marry that man one day," my best friend Hannah would say dreamily back in New York when she and I would watch this show for hours on end. I used to pick on her, saying he's almost old enough to be our dad, but she never cared.
Mom sits down next to Dad, kissing Josie's forehead. Looking at the three of them, it almost does seem like I'm about to tell them I'm pregnant.
"Laurie says she has something to tell us," Dad says to her, quickly finishing with a "she's not pregnant." Mom probably thinks I was lying earlier and Charlie did propose, no matter how illegal that might be with me at 17. I sit up a little straighter.
"Um, well I guess first I just wanted to thank you guys. I know…this past year hasn't been easy but you guys trying again to make things work…I'm really happy we're here together."
Mom and Dad look at each other. Dad rubs Josie's tiny back. "We're happy to be here together too, Buddy," he says, but it comes out sort of like a question.
"Laurie, what's going on?" Mom gives me a worried look.
Here goes nothing.
"It's about college. I should probably start from the beginning…I got my SAT scores back before, before everything happened at school. I got a 2215."
My parents are beaming.
"Honey!" Mom smiles. "That's amazing!" She moves to sit by me, but I stop her.
"Please, Mom not yet," I say.
"Why didn't you say anything sooner?" Dad asks, and Josie coos, like she wants to know too.
"I didn't say anything to you guys sooner because, because I was working with my advisor to get them sent off with a transcript…to Stanford."
Mom takes a deep breath, most likely thinking back to all those times when I was younger and she would tell me I'm not moving to California without a fight.
"Well, I did send them off to Stanford, but I also sent them a recruiting video, for soccer, that my friend Olivia helped piece together from some of our games last season." My heart is racing in my chest. Reaching into my back pocket, I pull out the envelope. "The women's coach sent this response to me in the mail."
Mom looks like she wants to cry already, and Dad looks like he's trying to hide excitement. I can't really tell yet whose emotion I agree with more. I hand Dad the letter, since he seems like he'll have the steadier hand, and I can't say anything else.
I look down at my hands, unable to watch their faces as they read. Mom gasps.
"Oh, Laurie," she cries.
"They want you to train with them this summer?" Dad asks in disbelief. I look up; as I suspected, my mother is crying and my father is looking like someone just told him he was named Neurosurgeon of the decade.
I just nod slowly, taking a deep breath. "They asked another girl to come too, and I'm not officially recruited yet or anything…"
"Buddy," Dad smiles. "This is it. This is everything we've been dreaming of...that you've been dreaming of." Seeing how proud he looks makes my eyes prickle. Without even having to be asked I go sit between them. Dad pulls me into an embrace. "You did it, Buddy," he whispers proudly. "You did it."
"Mom?" I look over at her wiping her eyes.
"Sorry," she lets out a small laugh. "I guess I never thought this day would come either."
"It's only for two months and then I'll be home again. And it's just training; like I said, they haven't even formally recruited me yet, so-"
But Mom shushes me with a tight hug. I bury my face in her shoulder as the four of us sit in an embrace.
"Do you have any idea how proud of you we are?" She chokes, kissing my temple. "Despite everything I put you through you never gave up."
"We," Dad interjects.
"What?" Mom sniffs.
"Everything we put you through. Honey, I know moving out here wasn't easy, and I was wrong to leave you in New York. But you didn't let any of that stop you. You've earned this, baby." He holds up the letter. "You've earned it."
I quickly wipe away a stray tear from my cheek.
"And it looks like we might have to look in to getting you some Cardinal onesies," Dad coos at Josie, who's completely unaware of what's been going on. "But your sister can take care of that this summer, can't she?"
Mom chokes on another sob beside us. "Two months," she tells herself.
"It's just two months, Mommy." I lean against her shoulder and she holds me tightly. "I can call you every day, and who knows maybe Josie will want to go on her first vacation…"
Later that evening the four of us remain cuddled together, Mom feeding Josie while Dad and I sit with the laptop open, looking up every detail possible about Stanford. Nothing we don't already know, of course.
"You remember what I said about those boys in your dorm though, alright?" Dad says.
I look down at my promise ring subtly, knowing that no matter who I meet at Stanford, there's only ever going to be one boy for me.
"Of course, Dad," I chuckle.
"Buddy, I know what I'm talking about. There'll always be that one jock who thinks he's the smartest guy in the whole biochemistry department and before you know it you'll be doing it in his frat house laundry room."
"Dad!" I look at him, shocked. Although I have a feeling this "jock" might very well be a 20 year old Uncle Mark. "First of all, that's gross. And second, I already have a boyfriend, remember?"
"Ugh, don't remind me," he jokes.
Eventually I lose count of how long we've been sitting on the couch, talking about Stanford, laughing, and just…being a family. It's amazing, looking back and see how far we've come this past year, finally feeling happy together again, feeling like Mom was right – so long as we have each other, and Rinny too, the bad stuff will stop happening. But then I realize that's with any relationship, whether with a sister, a best friend, a boyfriend, or your parents…
We're all just finding our way.
The End
Reviews are always welcome :) Again, thank you all so much for reading, and for the continuous support in writing this story.