"If being strong means to hold in your emotions, to smile and laugh when you want to cry, and pretending not to feel, then I don't want to be strong, I want to be weak."
I'll be Good
Chapter 36
(Warning: strong language because our boys are troublemakers)
"Yes Ma, we're about two hours now, heading onto the last shuttle."
"Are you holding up okay? You've been riding in those things for countless hours dear."
"Yeah Mama, I'm doin' fine…Look Ma we gotta' get boardin' now, I'll be at the house soon okay?"
"Alright Len, you fly safe-and take care of that sweet boy, make sure he's holding up okay, alright Len?"
"Yes of course, I will. I love you Mama."
"Okay, I'll see you boys soon, love you Len. Goodbye."
"Bye Ma."
He racks the comm, turning slowly to peek over at Jim on the bench. The kid is hunched over, picking threads on his leather jacket. Jim's eyes are hollow, dark bags hanging beneath dull blue eyes. His skin has turned unnaturally ashen and pale-even his golden hair seems to have brunt brown.
Leonard's heart clenches at the sight of him.
"Hey, you ready to go, shuttle is about to leave?" He prompts, slinging the bag over his shoulder.
Jim just nods, picking up his backpack and following Leonard onto the last shuttle. The kid remains behind him, and when they show the ticket master their tickets, Leonard has to snatch the kid's ticket from his hands. They sit down after being allowed entry and Jim's still quiet.
The blond hasn't said much since being released from the Medbay on campus, that was Sunday. Jim had stayed with Leonard for the past two days and didn't say anything when Leonard told him they were heading to Georgia on Tuesday. The kid had just shrugged and went back to reading his book on the couch.
Leonard sighs, he just wants the kid to brighten up, to enjoy this trip.
When the shuttle starts up, Leonard has to hold his stomach in. Then, when he throws up into a trash bag the shuttle crew provided him with, Jim doesn't even offer him a glance, the kid's eyes are fixed on the floor.
The last two hours are complete hell, but he's just glad when they finally land, and he gets to lead Jim away to where they'll pick up their rental car.
Everywhere they go, Jim's a step behind. The kid doesn't even reply to Leonard's grumbled bickering, even when it's directed at the stupid blond himself.
Leonard stuffs their bags into the trunk and let's Jim crawl into the shotgun seat of the car.
Rubbing his eyes, Leonard gets into the driver's seat. He shuts the door and starts the engine with the turn of a key and glances over at Jim.
"You gonna say somethin' or nah?" He asks.
Jim doesn't even bother shrugging or looking his way, instead the kid turns towards the window and curls up, eyes no doubt squeezed closed.
Leonard sighs and speeds off, through the gleaming city of Atlanta. Buildings are tall and of unusual design, yet the people seem to be more exotic. Over the decades Georgia Atlanta has become a melting pot of different species, making for an interesting mix of race and culture. Despite the intriguing views, Leonard makes for the fastest way out of the city. When he was a kid everything was different, the most exotic thing one would see in the city of Atlanta, Georgia would be the Orion barber on the corner of the street.
It takes time to get through the traffic and to the backroads, where his Mama lives. It's roughly an hour drive from the city, but it's closed off with the simple rolls of the grassy slopes. The house itself sits on several acres of land, all of which has been own by the McCoy's for generations. The old ranch styled house is around three thousand square feet, containing plenty of room for two grown men and an elderly woman. Leonard still can't believe his Ma lives in that empty house all by herself.
Though despite her age, Eleanora McCoy keeps herself busy with the company of her hens. She constantly is baking sweet goodies and shipping them off to the local elementary school a couple miles out.
When they finally pull up onto the gravel driveway of his childhood home, Leonard eagerly opens the door to breathe in the familiar air.
"Hey, Jim we're here." He says softly, but the kid doesn't stir from his curled position.
Frowning, he peeks over the kid's shoulder. The blond is wiped out, sound asleep. Leonard smiles, Jim hasn't had much sleep since getting out of Medbay and it isn't surprising that he fell asleep now.
Hauling himself out, he takes the bags out of the trunk and leaves Jim in the car, he'll come back for him later. Before he can even knock on the door, it's swung open and he's met by the small figure of his mother, white curly hair held up in a bun, her wrinkled brown eyes shine brightly and the smile on her face lights up his world.
"Ma!"
He drops the bags on the porch and wraps his arms around her, resting his chin on the top of her head.
"Oh Len, I'm so glad you could make it." Mama says, peeling apart and adjusting the navy-blue apron around her neck.
"I'm glad I could too." He gives her a quick kiss on the forehead before proceeding to pick up his duffle bag and Jim's backpack from the floor.
"Now where's this sweet boy I've been hearing about Len? Don't tell me you forgot him on the shuttle dear." His Ma scowls at him as she lets him through the door, following close behind.
Leonard chuckles, "Uhh no Ma, I didn't leave him behind. Jim's asleep in the rental. He hasn't slept much lately." He explains, and his Mama's face softens, "Okay then, why don't you carry him in here and I'll make some space on the couch."
He frowns, Jim's fairly heavy, almost the same size as himself, almost.
"I dunno Ma."
"Leonard, go get that boy, bring him in bridal style if you hafta' dear." She tells him sternly, fluffing up a pillow and heading over to pull out a blanket from the closet.
He sighs, "Alright, I'll be right back."
Leonard leaves the house once he's set their things by the back of the couch, heading over to the car. He picks up the keys where he'd left them in the driver's seat and comes around to open the passenger's door. Jim doesn't even move in his sleep as he swings it ajar and stuffs the keys into his pocket.
"Alright, here goes nothing."
He unbuckles Jim carefully, slipping his arms beneath the kid and slowly edging him out of the seat until he can heave him fully into his arms. Though, Jim's lighter than he appears. From the sudden movement Jim opens his eyes, arms automatically gripping around his neck. The kid blinks absently up at him, probably too tired to process anything.
Leonard smiles down at him, closing the car door with a kick and walking over to the house, feet crunching on the gravel.
"Just go back to sleep kid."
Jim nods against his chest, eyes snapping shut.
Satisfied, he brings Jim into the house without much difficulty. His Mama has the couch ready, holding the blanket in her arms, the cushions cleared of any food crumbs or magazines. Leonard comes around, laying the kid slowly onto the couch.
His Ma then drapes the blanket over Jim and smooths down his messy hair. Leonard unties his boots and gives a tug, freeing Jim's feet.
Mama gives Leonard a kiss on the cheek, "How's the poor boy holding up?"
He has to sigh and compose himself, "I don't know."
She rubs his back gently, both of them staring down at Jim's sleeping form. Then with a mighty huff she pulls Leonard over, "You must be starving, we can talk and eat in the kitchen."
Leonard nods obediently, following his Ma into the kitchen, sitting himself at the table. His Mama brings around a tray of homemade sandwiches, causing his stomach to growl. He hasn't eaten since this morning, and it's now five in the afternoon.
"Thanks Mama." He smiles, taking a sandwich greedily and taking a rather large bite. His Mama takes a seat across from him, sitting with hands clasped in her lap.
"Tell me what happened dear. I'm sure it'll help take some of the weight off your shoulders." She implores.
Leonard can feel his chest deflate at her words. He swallows slowly, sighing.
"I'm fine Ma."
His Mama scowls deeply at him, "Len dear, its taking a toll on you, I can see it on your face. If you don't want to talk about it to me, talk to him dear, for your sake and his. The poor child looks like death on the couch."
Leonard's lips twitch in a slight smile at his Mama's firmness.
"It's just…ever since I found him Ma, he won't eat, sleep, or talk. I barely got him to take a shower this mornin'. I helped him pack last night but even then, he didn't even want to take one of his books he loves readin', he's just so tired all the time. I don't know what to do Ma."
Mama reaches over, rubbing his arm gently, "Len dear, he's just trying to process what happened. Look I'm glad you told me what happened right away, but did Jim ever tell you himself?"
Leonard shakes his head. While Jim had been in Medbay, Leonard had commed his mother, telling her the terrible news and knowing fully well that she'd be able to help when they arrived at Georgia. Also, it was easier to tell her over the phone rather than in person, he'd breakdown if he did it in person.
His Ma sinks back into her chair, "Then get him to talk Len. Just like you did, he needs someone to talk to as well."
Leonard finishes his sandwich and he and his Ma talk about simpler topics. Like Christmas plans and how his first semester has come along.
It's around eight in the afternoon, his Ma has the news on the TV while she finishes cooking a late-night dinner, with some salads and homemade biscuits.
Jim finally comes around; the first indication of his wakening is a small whimper as he shifts on the couch. Leonard pretends, for Jim's sake, not to notice so the kid can gain his bearings in privacy. Instead he keeps his gaze fixed on the TV, sitting in the armchair.
The blond sits upright, rubbing his eyes and wiping the drool from the corner of his mouth with a sleeve.
"Hey sleepy-head." Leonard greets, offering the kid a smile, but Jim's eyes are elsewhere, looking about and squinting as his brain wracks for the answers.
"You fell asleep on the way to my Ma's house." Leonard informs him, Jim just nods, stripping himself of his jacket before snuggling back down into the blanket and cushions.
Leonard lets Jim off the hook for the time being, waiting for his sweet Mama to finish up their small dinner.
When she calls them over, confusion floods the blond's face and Leonard rolls his eyes at the kid, gesturing him off the couch and towards the kitchen. They get seated around the table and his Ma serves them each a bowl of salad and plush bread roll.
"Thank you, Mama, dinner looks delicious."
"You're welcome Len." Mama calls back, grabbing her own food before sitting with them.
"Len dear, would you like to say-" She pauses as Leonard has the fork almost in his mouth, "-Leonard Horatio McCoy, where are your manners?"
"Ma!" His face turns rosy red.
"We haven't said Grace yet." She declares, turning to Jim, "Sorry sweetheart, Len's a forgetful boy."
Jim's lips almost twitch into a smile, they almost do.
"Now Leonard, would you like to say Grace before you shove that unblessed food into your mouth?" She gives him a tenacious look.
Leonard grins, setting the fork down with a light clatter, "Of course Ma."
He reaches his hands out; his Mama takes it casually and Jim imitates her after a moment's hesitation. Leonard gives a quick prayer of Grace, blessing their food in God's name before announcing "Amen."
They then begin to devour their food, after Jim gives a questioning look at his food, and Leonard's Ma tells him she made sure that "there's nothin' you're allergic to in there child." His Mama then rants on and on about how happy she is to see them, and starts to ramble about the seasonal weather and that somehow leads to her "pretty" hens.
Leonard just laughs and smiles. He's missed his Mama, even when she likes to brag over her prized chickens, claiming "most people don't own chickens nowadays, especially free-ranged ones."
He takes a glance at Jim. The kid has taken a few bites of his salad, and nibbles on the bread roll. Unlike the blond, Leonard has almost cleaned out the bowl, and his bread roll is nicely resting in his stomach. His Mama has about finished all her food.
"Now Jim, are you not hungry much child?"
Jim shakes his head, mouth slightly agape as he debates speaking up. But it's like Jim's voice is physically restrained, not even a hoarse croak escapes his chapped lips. Yet his Mama smiles gently at him, "It's quite alright child, I'll save this for later, would you like that?"
Mama stands up, ready to grab Jim's dish.
The blond nods gratefully.
"Alright dear." His Ma says, patting Jim's shoulder tenderly before taking his bowl and bread, placing them over on the counter to cover in plastic wrap to store in the fridge.
In the meantime, Leonard finishes up his food and clears both his and his Mama's dishes, placing them carefully in the sink.
"Len dear, I can wash those. Why don't you take Jim to get washed up with some clean clothes? I'll prep the guest bedroom."
"Are you sure Ma?" He prompts, and she just nods, "Of course dear," then on a quieter note, "take care of him Len."
Leonard smirks, "Yes Ma." He places a kiss on her cheek before turning to Jim.
The blond has sunken into his chair, seeming to be glued to the spot in utter exhaustion, physically and mentally. Leonard briefly closes his eyes, he must take care of Jim, the kid needs him to be strong. Jim needs him now, more than ever.
"C'mon Jim, lemme show you to the bathroom." He gestures.
Jim excuses himself from the table, pushing the chair in and following Leonard, head bowed like a shy kid at the first day of school. Leonard lets him pick up his backpack before proceeding to take him down the hallway, flipping the old light switch.
"This," he says, opening the door, "is the bathroom. Just wear whatever stuff you brought with you. By tomorrow I'm sure my Ma will have some extra clothes for you to wear." Leonard tells him and the blond just nods.
"Alright, don't take too long, I think my Mama is eager to put us to bed." He laughs lightly and Jim just nods, heading into the bathroom.
Leonard's smile falls from his face as the kid shuts the door, not speaking a word.
He takes a shaky breath, willing himself to calm down. Jim will be okay, he just needs some time to process, that's all.
While Jim showers, Leonard helps his Ma prepare the guest bedrooms. Luckily, he and Jim don't have to share a room, though as his stomach coils each time he thinks about Jim having to spend the next couple weeks sleeping alone in a room, he's not too sure if that's a good thing.
"Len, he'll pull through, you know that right?" His Ma asks, straightening out the sheets of the bed and fluffing the pillow. Leonard nods, "Yeah, I know Mama, but I still worry."
She sighs that mother sigh, "I know Len, but you'll take care of him, just like you do for everyone else." She comes beside him and gives him a quick hug.
Leonard swallows, blinking away any building tears, and watches his Ma dust off the dresser.
Soon after Jim finishes up in the shower, heading into the guest bedroom due to the sounds of Leonard and his Ma talking. Leonard greets him with a smile, the kid looks so young in those red plaid sweats and baggy white t-shirt that Leonard is certain is actually his. The blond's hair is still wet, and his cheeks are slightly flushed from the heated water.
"Jim dear, this is where you will be sleeping, if you ever need anything, I'm the door at the end of the hallway. Don't be afraid to knock. Len will be the next room over from you."
Jim nods.
Leonard exchanges a sad look with his Ma.
"Alright, goodnight Len," She gives him a kiss and turns to Jim, giving him a hug, causing a terrified expression to appear on his face, "and goodnight Jim dear, sleep as long as you like."
The blond gives a little nod.
"Night Ma. Love you." Leonard replies after a moment, "Love you dear." She responds as she leaves through the door.
He waits until he can hear his Mama go into her own room before making a move, "Hey Jim, if you need anything, I'll be right on the other side of this wall okay?"
Another nod of his head.
"Okay, goodnight Jim."
He heads through the door, going into his own room after grabbing his duffle bag from the living room. Leonard digs out his pajamas and takes a quick shower. By the time he gets out, Jim's door is shut, and the lights are off. When he peers over to listen, the only sound that is heard is the soft hum of the ceiling fan spinning. He can only hope the kid is sleeping peacefully.
With that thought in mind, Leonard goes to bed, expecting tomorrow to be a better day.
He doesn't wake up until late Wednesday morning, around eleven am. Thankfully his back isn't achy he notes as he stretches and lets out a loud yawn. He pulls on some socks and leaves the room, rubbing his eyes and scratching at his curling hair.
The smell of freshly cooked eggs reaches his nose, and immediately his mouth begins to water.
"Hey Len, there you are." His Ma welcomes him from the kitchen as he steps into the living room, "Mornin' Mama."
She scoffs at him, "Barely."
He laughs and kisses her lightly at the hairline, "Where's Jim?" He asks, noting that the kid's door had been left open and the room empty.
His Mama sighs sadly, "He's outside on the porch, been out there for about an hour now. I can't get him to come inside Len. You wanna see if he's eatin' any of his eggs dear?"
Leonard huffs, "Yeah Ma."
She catches his wrist before he leaves, "Before careful with him Len."
"Of course Ma."
He heads for the door, braving a breath before opening it, finding Jim on the porch steps.
Jim doesn't glance over his shoulder as Leonard shuts the door and walks up behind him. Leonard sighs, sitting down a step above the kid so he can't see if Jim's crying or not. It's the small liberties that Jim will notice and pick up on. Leonard doesn't want him to feel trapped at his house.
"Did you sleep okay?"
The kid nods, he just damn nods his head like he has been for the past three days. Leonard just wants to throttle his neck and force the words out of him. But he reclines from doing so.
"My Mama's wondering if you ate any of your eggs? She's pretty proud of her chickens and she'd be disappointed if you left her cookin' untouched."
Jim just hands him the empty bowl, not sparing a glance.
"You wanna come inside?"
He shakes his head.
"Alright Jim, you want me to stay?"
Another shake.
With a sad smile Leonard stands, "Okay kid, have it your way. But just know you'll have to talk eventually. I worry about you kid, and I just want to know if you're okay." He says and heads back inside, and he's certain Jim actually turned his head to look back, but the door had already been shut.
He doesn't say much to his Mama, instead they eat breakfast at the coffee table in the living room, watching the morning news. Jim comes inside twenty minutes later, still looking frail. Yet somehow, his Mama manages to get some coffee into his system and gets him to play a few board games. The kid still hasn't spoken a word, but dear god, Eleanora McCoy knows how to care for him, in that tenderly way that only mothers know how.
They fail to get lunch in him, but by dinner he eats his salad from the night before but refuses to eat the bread. Leonard still considers it a win. His Ma retires for the day at eight pm, saying "she isn't a party animal" and that "I have to be up early tomorrow mornin' to feed the chickens." Leonard had just scoffed and kissed his Ma goodnight. This left Jim and Leonard on the couch, the fireplace flickering as the embers die out in the ash. The TV is murmuring but all Leonard can focus on is the blond head beside him.
The kid is slumped over, head resting on the armrest and eyes glued to the fireplace.
"You wanna talk?" Leonard prompts, taking a side glance at Jim to see if he'll look over. Jim remains frozen, until he finally shakes his head.
"Okay, I can wait."
Time ticks by, and Jim stays true to his word, but so does Leonard, stubbornly waiting to see if he can beat Jim in the long run. Yet the kid just lays there, blank and lifeless as his tired eyes blink at the TV.
Leonard can feel himself sinking further into the couch, eyes drooping. His breathing is slowing, and his vision has blurred. He fights to stay awake, trying to shift his body, but in the end sleep claims him.
He's woken from his dreamless sleep some hours later, alone on the couch with a dead fire and a turned off TV. Jim is nowhere in sight.
With a groan, Leonard heaves himself from the couch, taking note that it's one in the morning. Muscle memory takes over as he lets himself walk through the pitch-black hallway, listening into Jim's room only briefly to confirm that he's sleeping before heading into his own room. He changes into some clean sweats and t-shirt before falling back asleep.
Thursday isn't much better than the day before.
Leonard's Ma drags them out into the city to eat lunch, and somehow Jim's quietness in public makes seeing him that much worse. Usually in public Jim's loud and brash, unthoughtful and jubilant. Now he's mute and subdued, speculative and shy. The kid seemed to count how many napkins were at the table just out of boredom, and by the way his eyes were twitching around, Leonard has now doubt the kid could've told him how many people came in and out of the restaurant during their stay.
Afterwards she takes them into a few local shops, buying a few things for their upcoming meals. They lose Jim in one of the larger stores, but his Ma finds the kid outside by the rental car, after searching for quite some time.
Unfortunately, Leonard's anger has begun to boil. The kid has been nothing but built up stress for Leonard. Jim won't cooperate with anything, he's not helping Leonard or himself by remaining quiet and Leonard's had just about enough. He's just so tired of babying Jim, being nice and careful around him because the kid's just so damn fragile.
Marching outside with his Ma, he sees Jim shuffling his feet with his head down by the car.
"Get in the damn car." He growls at Jim; the blond just escapes into the back seat before Leonard can get a good look at his crumbling expression.
Leonard goes to get into the driver seat, but his Mama snatches his bicep, giving him a stern glare, "Leonard."
"Ma, we looked in that store for ten minutes. The idiot should've stayed with us instead of sneaking off. It's his own damn fault," Leonard breathes a sigh, "excuse my language Ma."
"That isn't the point Leonard. He's your best friend and you better damn treat him as such." Mama argues, looking straight into his eyes without blinking, "And language not excused. You know better not to curse to me."
He closes his eyes briefly, composing himself, "Sorry Mama."
She sighs beside him, "It's quite alright Len, let's just go home."
Leonard starts the car, taking a quick glance in the review mirror, seeing Jim's eyes downcast and red-rimmed. The kid makes a swipe at his nose, making a little sniffle he wouldn't have noticed if he weren't looking at him.
His heart pangs in his chest, he has to apologize. But he'll wait until they get home.
The drive back is silent, and Leonard lets his Ma skim through the radio until she finds a station she likes.
Leonard gets the car parked in the driveway and helps his Mama take the groceries inside, and he's vaguely aware of Jim walking over to the car to help. He returns outside to grab the rest when he bumps into Jim at the side of the car. It only takes a split second for Jim to drop the two one gallon containers of milk onto the ground, both breaking on the rocks beneath their feet.
He jumps back, not wanting milk to stain into his shoes. Jim looks utterly horrified.
"What the hell?" He shouts, watching as Jim takes a few steps back as not to soak his shoes in the mess as well. The kid's mouth opens, but he pauses and rubs his face with his hands.
"Can't you just do one fucking thing right? It's so damn pathetic." Leonard tells him sharply, crossing his arms and shaking his head at the blond, "Go grab the damn hose from the porch and wash this down. The garbage is on the left side of the house. I'm goin' back to the store to grab more milk."
Leonard doesn't wait for a reply, and he certainly doesn't go inside to tell his Mama what just happened. He gets into the car and slams his foot on the gas, getting out of the scene as fast as possible.
The tears start to fall, and his hands almost shake, they almost do.
Anger flares in his chest and he finds himself heaving sobs as he speeds down the road. He just yelled at his best friend, his only friend. His best friend that got raped only a few days ago. Leonard just wants to beat Finnegan's ass, yes Finnegan's. He knows it's him, he still remembers that message he received from Francis.
I think Finnegan took Jim out last night
But Jim's hasn't come back
Leonard had gasped, then breathed as the next message appeared on his PADD.
I think Jim's in trouble
He had searched for almost two hours before catching sight of Jim, wet and shivering at the waters edge, daring to jump off the docks into the blacks of the ocean.
Leonard had never run faster in his life. He'd only slowed down when his feet hit the slippery wood of the dock. Jim hadn't turned around, the blond had just stood there, still and quiet like as if he stood there long enough the world would forget and move on.
Somehow Leonard had managed to get his voice out, "What's goin' on kid?"
This wasn't some brawl, this wasn't some failed test, and this wasn't another 'someone shamed my father'. Whatever had happened, seem to have destroyed whatever drive, courage, or charisma the kid had. Jim was dead and hollow.
"Why are you soaking wet?"
Leonard had touched his shoulder, the flinch was so hard, it was if Leonard had punched him, tried to push him into the water, or something.
Jim's face had twisted, it was regret, self-loathing, and hopelessness that left his mouth empty and his eyes blank. Usually Jim was hard to read, but Leonard could no longer read something that wasn't there.
"I had to get clean."
Those were Jim's famous last words, they were shallow and cold, almost robotic because there was such lifelessness in his tone. Leonard had just wrapped the kid up in a hug. Jim didn't cry, he just shook, shook so hard his teeth were chattering in Leonard's ear.
Leonard knew what Jim meant by those words, so he took Jim to Medbay and tried to file a report, but Jim refused. While Leonard was gone, because he got kicked out of the room, Jim told them it was a 'sexual activity gone wrong'. The kid didn't want to admit it was rape. But Leonard, he knew it was rape, he knows his best friend had been raped.
And it's all his damn fault.
Leonard angrily parks the car and buys two more things of milk, speeding all the way home, after taking a half hour detour.
Home looks the same, there's no indication that Jim dropped the milk jugs, or that two gallons of milked had seeped into the ground, or that he had yelled at his best friend.
With a sigh he carries the milk up the wooden steps of the porch and opens the unlocked door. He shuts it quietly and puts the milk away in the fridge.
There's murmuring from the hallway, so he follows it, his steps silent.
"He cares too much dear, that's all."
It's his Ma's voice, ringing out gently from Jim's bedroom.
Leonard leans against the wall, listening in.
"I'm sorry he made you feel that way dear," his Mama says and there's a sniffle from Jim, "you feeling any better?"
There's a pause as Jim probably nods his head.
"Alright child, why don't you get some rest? You're still looking quite pale."
There's shuffling and a slight croaking from the springs of the mattress as his Ma gets off the bed, "Goodnight dear, I'll see you in the morning, if you need anything just ask."
Leonard scurries towards the living room as his Ma's footsteps get closer to the doorway.
The lights are turned off in Jim's room and Mama shuts the door.
He sits himself on the couch, rubbing his face wearily. What has he done?
"Nice of you to finally show up. You had me worried sick." His Ma informs him, coming from the hallway to collapse into the armchair.
"Sorry Ma." He apologizes, not lifting his face from his hands.
There's a snort, "Don't apologize to me, apologize to that poor boy in there." She gestures towards the guest bedroom, sighing roughly.
Leonard doesn't reply, instead he pushes his knuckles into his eyes until he sees stars.
"He was throwin' up into the trashcan when I found him." His Ma continues, "And he told me what happened, told me what you said."
"Mama…"
"I can't believe that you yelled at that boy Leonard. You made him feel so guilty he was throwin' up his lunch."
His stomach clenches and his lungs seem to freeze.
"I didn't mean to." He says pathetically, his Mama shifts in her seat, "Then what did you mean to do Leonard? Because you better have a good explanation, I just spent the last half hour calming Jim down enough so he could breathe, the poor boy was having a panic attack because you sped off carelessly."
He slams his mouth shut, clamping so hard his teeth hurt.
"He…" Leonard clears his throat for his voice didn't come, "He had a panic attack?" He inquires, glancing over at his Ma, seeing her sad expression. She nods slowly, "After I got him inside, he got himself worked up over the fact you left."
"Shit." Leonard whispers, shutting his eyes, "Do you think he's asleep now?"
She nods her head, "Jim was tired after everything that had happened, I barely got him from the couch to his bed."
Leonard nods, "I'll talk to him tomorrow then."
His Ma just nods her head again, getting up and walking into the kitchen to prep a little dinner no doubt. They end up eating in silence, just the simple clank of the utensils hitting glass are heard. Afterwards Leonard brings in more firewood and lights it, stirring it around until the flames have climbed higher.
"Have you spoken with Jocelyn yet?" His Ma asks, and Leonard's heart skips a beat. He pauses slightly before speaking, "No."
"Are you going to?"
He shrugs as he sits on the couch, eyes stuck on the flickering fire.
"Probably not." Leonard nearly chokes on his words, he knows what he has to do.
Mama hums, setting her magazine on the coffee table, "How come dear?"
He scratches at his beard, distracting himself momentarily so he can get his voice back, "Because Jim needs me Ma, and I can't help him if I'm frustrated over the fact Jocelyn won't let me see Joanna."
His Mama rises from her seat, standing over him she places her hand on his shoulder, squeezing. Leonard covers her hand with his own.
"You're doin' the right thing Len." She says, and then tilts his chin up to place a tender kiss on his forehead, "Talk to him."
She leaves without saying goodnight, and Leonard's left to watch the fire until it dies out.
Tiredness surges into his muscles as he takes a quick shower, changing into his pajamas, but instead of heading into his room, he goes for the kitchen, pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two glasses. Always two.
He sits on the couch, pouring the liquid into the first glass and leaving the other one empty.
Leonard's on his third when Jim's door slides ajar, completely quiet. Jim closes the gap between his door and the bathroom's door in two graceful yet hurried strides. His heart lurches for a second, but he remains still, listening to the bathroom door shut with the same determined quietness.
The shower then runs and Leonard ignores it for the time being, focusing his attention on pouring the next glass. But the shower keeps running, and running, and damn it's almost been an hour and it's still running.
With a surge of protectiveness, Leonard heads to the bathroom door, listening in. But just as he's about to knock on the door, the shower stops running and there's a light rustle as Jim dries himself.
Swallowing, Leonard walks back to the couch, sighing heavily. He's always too late.
He downs the rest of his glass and washes them in the sink. Leonard returns the bottle to its proper place and goes to his room before Jim gets out of the bathroom.
Leonard lays in bed, hearing Jim exit the bathroom and pad lightly to his room, crawling into his own bed with the springs groaning.
He shuts his eyes and forces sleep to come upon him.
Early Friday morning he's woken up by his own Ma, she's ripping the sheets out from under him and jostling him awake.
"What, what's goin' on Ma?" He asks hurriedly, sitting upright and blinking the sleep from his eyes, "It's Friday, that means it's time to clean up the house." His Mama exclaims, "Now get up and get dressed."
She then leaves with the swing of her hips and Leonard blinks at her in disbelief.
Grumbling, he gets dressed and leaves his room reluctantly. Only two steps out the door and his Ma is shoving a broom into his hand, "Sweep up dear." She tells him with an evil grin on her face.
He peaks over, Mama's got Jim cleaning up the kitchen, though he looks slightly lost as he searches each cabinet to find the one where the plates go.
"Wait, what time is it Ma?"
His Mama laughs, "It's only six-thirty."
She slips on a coat, her boots already tied tightly to her feet, "I'm going to go feed the chickens. Play nicely Len."
He watches Mama leave through the front door before stepping into the living room and groaning. Her whole damn house has hardwood floors, he's so screwed.
Ten minutes in, after starting up some music on the TV, Jim's voice rings out, catching him off guard, not just by how sudden it came but because the kid actually spoke.
"Where does this go?"
Jim's suddenly behind him holding a pan and Leonard swivels around, clutching the broom almost possessively.
"Uhh," he clears his throat, "that goes underneath the stove."
"Thanks." Jim says softly, voice gruff from lack of use.
Leonard feels the butterflies leaving his stomach and he has to take a deep breath to steady himself. Maybe Jim will be okay, maybe they can get through this.
Though that seems to be the end of Jim's conversational side. They spend most of the day cleaning, only taking breaks to eat breakfast and lunch. His Mama has no shame when it comes to making them work, even outside taking care of the grass. She's got Jim mowing the lawn and Leonard trimming the edges while she's bent down pulling weeds.
By dinnertime the house inside and out is spotless. Jim's collapsed into the kitchen chair and Leonard's chugging some water down by the sink.
"Sit down." His Mama swats him away so she can drain the water out, straining the pasta.
Rolling his eyes, though not where his Ma can see, Leonard sits across from Jim.
His Mama then serves them both each a bowl and glass of water, thanking both of them for their hard work. Dinner is full of mindless chatter between Leonard and his Mama.
Afterwards they take showers and head off to bed, tomorrow they get to kick back and relax and that's exactly what Leonard plans to do.
Though, Leonard ends up 'relaxing' by himself. His Mama runs off saying that she has a few 'errands' to run which means she's going to be gone for half the day, and Jim takes off somewhere around the acres of land his Ma owns. But by the time Leonard gets the energy to go find him, Jim must've long since left the property of the McCoy's.
He tries not to worry much, Jim's a grown adult and can handle himself wherever he goes. Yet Leonard did believe that before and look where that's gotten Jim.
Distracting himself, Leonard turns on the TV and fishes out one of his Ma's books to read. But after a restless hour of reading Leonard sits outside on the porch. He wants to know the minute Jim gets back.
So he kicks back and reads his book into the late hours of the afternoon, snacking on an apple he dug out of the fridge.
"Are there any more or did you eat the last one?" Jim asks, walking up the wooden steps, how Jim crossed the gravel driveway without being heard is a mystery.
Leonard glances up from his book, "There might be one left, not sure."
Just a soft hum from Jim, then the kid sits down on the cushioned swing beside him, and it's odd to have Jim so close again. Leonard closes the book, setting it on the side table.
"Look Jim-"
"Don't bother, its fine." Jim cuts him off, looking down at his hands.
Leonard huffs, "I'm sorry okay?"
Jim nods, "I know…and I'm sorry too."
The kid's shoulders sag and the tension seems to melt from the kid's back.
Leonard leans back, sinking into cushions.
"Some Christmas break this is." Jim mutters and Leonard laughs, "It's only been a couple days, we got plenty of time to make up for it."
"Am I finally going to meet this little girl of yours?" Jim pipes up, glancing to the side to look at Leonard.
He swallows, "I…"
Should he lie to Jim?
"I'm not sure yet, Jocelyn seems pretty adamant about the idea."
His Mama pulls up with her car, ending the conversation. The two of them head over and she waves them off saying "you're not allowed to look or touch! Now get inside!"
On their way inside, Jim gives him a look and Leonard laughs, "Christmas shopping Jim."
They hide out in the kitchen until his Ma is done, the entire time she grumbled about them daring to look, but they reassured her neither of them peeked.
Leftovers is what they get for dinner and Mama tells Jim he can help her make some pie tomorrow morning. Leonard hasn't seen a smile that big on the kid's face in days.
After dinner Leonard collapses onto the couch, sleep edging in, but he has a moment of clarity as he picks up Jim's and his Ma's voice from the kitchen, both assuming that he's asleep on the couch.
"Do you think Jocelyn will let Joanna come? I know how important it is to him." Jim says carefully and there's a soft sigh from his Mama, "I know, I know. Len said he wasn't going to bother askin' though."
Shit.
"Wait, what?"
"He wasn't goin' to ask because he wanted to spend more time with you."
Jim snorts, "That's ridicules, he doesn't need to do that, he needs to spend more time with his daughter, I see him every day."
"I know dear, but he worries about you, you know that. And this break means a lot to him. He wants to spend it with you Jim, dear."
There's watery sigh from Jim and a sharp sniff, "Well if he isn't going to do it, let me. Do you have an address or a number?"
"Jim dear-"
"Please, Eleanor, let me do this for him, it'd mean the world to me."
His Ma breathes heavily, recollecting herself, "I don't think that's such a good idea."
"I just want to repay him for everything that he has done for me. He's been there for me through thick and thin and this is the least I can do."
"Are you sure child? I can just take you Christmas shopping or something."
"No," Jim sighs, "this is what I want to do for him."
Leonard dramatically groans and shifts on the couch, alerting them of his presence.
"Thanks, El." Jim whispers softly.
As Leonard sits up from his fake nap, Jim strolls by heading into his room. He glances over at his Ma, she's sitting at the table, a troubled expression on her face.
"What's wrong Mama?" He implores as he stands up and stretches, she just shakes her head at him, "Nothing dear, don't worry yourself.
He gives her a little smile and goes into his own room, changing into some sleeping clothes.
On Sunday, his Ma drags them to the early first service at her church. She's wearing a soft and warm dress with her coat, and she's got Jim in one of Leonard's old slacks with a formal button up. His hair is flat and falling into his eyes and it just makes him look five years younger. Leonard has shaved his growing beard and he has his hair tamed back, while wearing something quite similar to Jim.
The morning service drags, and Leonard gets his Ma to leave as soon as possible, just after she talks to about a hundred-different people and introducing them as 'her boys' because apparently today Jim is adopted. Though considering Jim's real family, it wouldn't be such a bad idea.
When they get home, his Ma, like promised, let's Jim help her with the pie. She's got him in an apron over his t-shirt and jeans and he's ended up getting flour in his hair and sticky peach juice on his arms. Nonetheless Mama cleans Jim up like one of her own, giving him a sponge for his arms after rinsing his hair in the sink.
"You're unbelievable child!" She exclaims as Leonard nears the kitchen, "Well at least I showed you how."
Jim's grinning with a shrug in his shoulders.
"Now get out of my kitchen boy, go find yourself something to do, I'll get you when the pie's ready."
The blond scurries off and Leonard chuckles, "What was that about?"
His Ma shakes her head, "The boy says no one has ever helped him bake before."
Leonard nods, "What type of pie did you guys make?"
"Peach cobbler."
He sticks around for a little bit, helping his Ma straighten up the kitchen before heading for the bathroom, but he pauses when he hears Jim's voice.
"No-wait. Don't hang up, just give me a minute to explain…Jocelyn just listen for like thirty seconds."
Leonard freezes. Jim's really calling Jocelyn? Behind his damn back. That blond idiot, all he's going to do is make things between he and Jocelyn worse. What does he think he's doing? Leonard can't believe Jim actually has the audacity to do something like this. The time here is supposed to be spent between the two of them, why can't the kid realize that?
"Jocelyn that isn't even fair…well no but-"
He pushes the door open and Jim stares wide eyed at him from the bed.
"Hang up, right now."
"Just give me a minute." Jim hisses and brings the comm back to his lips, "It'd just be for a couple days…"
Leonard takes the couple necessary steps to reach Jim, before snatching the comm from his hand and ending the call with a simple push of a button.
"What the hell?" Jim snaps, getting to his feet.
He crosses his arms at the blond, scowling, "What the hell do you think you were doin' Jim?"
"I asked first."
Leonard narrows his eyes, "Stopping you from calling my ex-wife is only putting an end to one of my many problems."
Jim seems to bristle, "I was trying to help you!"
"Like you were trying to help before?"
Jim gapes at him, "It was an accident Bones, I didn't mean to drop the damn milk."
"Well remind me to never let you help, because all you do is fucking screw up!"
The blond takes a step forward, "Fuck off Bones."
"Isn't that all you do Jim? You run around and screw with other people and when it comes back to bite you get all butt hurt about it and I'm so tired of it." He growls, pointing a finger at Jim, keeping a few inches between them.
Jim blinks at him, eyes hitting the floor, "Why'd you bring me here?"
"To help you." Leonard snaps.
"Then why is it such a strange thing to you that I call Jocelyn to try and help you? It doesn't go one-way asshole." Jim argues sternly, gazing directly into his eyes.
Leonard holds his ground though, "Helping and screwing are two very different things Jim, and what you were trying to do was only going to screw up any chance of me seeing my daughter again."
"And how do you know that?" The blond sneers defiantly.
"Because like I said before, all you do is screw up, and I'm not going to let you fuck this up too."
"Get out."
"Jim-"
"Get out!"
Jim shoves him a couple feet, face red and eyes burning. Leonard exhales a shaky breath, hands slightly raised in surrender, "Jim please."
"Just leave." Jim replies coldly, gesturing towards the door.
He backs away slowly, shutting the door. Glancing up he catches his Ma's gaze, obviously she overheard the argument. With a little look she heads outside onto the porch, leaving the invitation to Leonard.
Leonard steps into the living room and composes himself, wiping any tears that might have formed, before following his Mama outside.
The skies have grayed with heavy storm clouds and the air has cooled to lower temperatures. His Mama is sitting on the porch swing, a blanket about her shoulders. She looks up at him with that solid expression, it's a mask, hiding her emotions, one that he often sees on Jim's face.
With slight hesitation, he sits down beside her, leaning forward to put his face in his hands, "What have I done?"
"I don't know Leonard, you tell me."
"I got so mad at him Mama, I told him he was…I called him a screw up."
A soothing hand rubs his back, "Then apologize Len."
He shakes head at the idea, "It's not that simple." His Mama sighs at that, "Are you sure about that?" She implores.
"Even if it was, he's not gonna listen, not anymore." Leonard continues softly.
She hums, "Then make him listen."
With one last rub, Mama gets up and goes inside, closing the door behind herself.
He's not quire sure how long he sat there stiffly, watching the skies darken further as the sun retreats with the late afternoon. But his Ma comes out with a plate of pie and wordlessly returns inside. The pie is creamy and sweet, and it fills his hungry stomach.
That night he goes to bed, it's already pretty late because he helped himself to a few drinks after his Mama went to bed. But he lays in bed wide awake for an hour, leaving him restless.
Grunting, Leonard gets out, ignoring the fact it's two in the morning, and heads towards the living room, but a certain person is already there.
"Jim?"
"I found the alcohol."
Leonard smiles, the kid could always smell it out.
Remaining silent, Jim slides him a glass and they sit on the couch together, Jim pouring the whiskey. It's only once they've finished the bottle, Jim drinking most of it, that they begin to talk.
"I didn't mean any of it." Leonard explains with a slight slur, "You just annoy me so goddamn much."
Jim laughs, "Well, I dunno what I was thinking when I called that bitch, I should've asked you first."
They stare at each other for a moment.
"I'm sorry Jim."
Jim shrugs, "Well, I'm sorry too."
They go to bed at four in the morning, hoping for a goodnight's rest, but Leonard is still wide awake, and he's only further awakened when he hears Jim through the wall, murmuring in his sleep. The mattress is creaking as Jim no doubt tosses and turns. Leonard should've known that with all the alcohol Jim would get more vivid dreams.
Heaving himself out of bed, Leonard enters Jim's room with caution.
"Jim?"
All he gets is a whimper.
"Hey kid." Leonard sits on the edge of the bed, jostling the kid's shoulder to wake him up. Jim seems to jerk away from him, curling into the sheets, eyes squeezed shut.
"Jim it's just a dream." Leonard tells him, gripping the kid's bicep.
Jim eyes open within that moment and blond kicks out, "Get away Finnegan!"
The blond's whole body collides into the headboard, chest heaving rapidly. His blue eyes are scanning the area and Leonard lets Jim recover himself briefly.
"Talk to me." Leonard pleads with him, pulling himself onto the bed.
Jim just stares at him, mouth hanging open.
"Say something kid."
The blond's eyebrows furrow together and there's a tremble on his lower lip, "I didn't want to do it." Jim whispers.
Leonard gives him a sad smile, "I know kid."
"I screwed up Bones."
"No kid, you didn't. It wasn't your fault."
Jim's face begins to crumble, he's biting his tongue, looking anywhere but at Leonard's face with watering eyes.
"Jim…" He begins gently and he can feel Jim shivering, and he reaches out to place a hand on his shoulder. The blond snags away slightly, shaking his head, "Please…Bones." Jim manages to say through his chattering mouth.
Jim's whole body seems to be fighting the emotions, tensing against the building up tears that are brimming in his eyes. The kid is a storm of regret and hurt, battling against the logical side of himself.
Leonard opens his mouth to tell Jim that it's alright, but instead he gestures with his arms and whispers, "Just c'mere Jim."
They close the distance together, Jim unfolding in Leonard's arms. He rubs Jim's back, hushing him gently. Jim seems to be holding it all together until a hiccup escapes, then suddenly the floodgates release and Jim starts sobbing. The sounds are broken and guttural, the kid's whole body is just shaking in Leonard's arms, so he holds Jim tighter, wanting to keep the pieces together, the pieces that are left anyways.
"I'm so sorry Jim." Leonard whispers repeatedly, all the while Jim cries into his shoulder.
Leonard doesn't leave the room that night, and he doesn't let go of Jim either. He lays there against the pillows, holding Jim to his chest as the blond fights his nightmares. Sleep claims him in the early hours of daylight and the two of them sleep until noon.
He wakes up because his Ma knocks on the door, opening it slightly to peek in.
Leonard shifts, lifting his head up, Jim still past out on top of him.
Mama smiles happily at the two of them and gives Leonard a little nod before retreating, leaving the door ajar.
"Hey," He coughs, placing a hand on Jim's shoulder, "wake up kid."
"Few more minutes…" Jim mumbles, arms wrapping around Leonard's midsection tighter, it would've been embarrassing if Jim were more coherent.
"Jim, it's lunchtime." He nudges the blond again.
"Well, shit." Jim lifts himself up, blue eyes blinking to life, staring into Leonard, "Damn it, did I screw you too?"
"Ha ha, so funny…" Leonard grumbles, then on a more serious note, "You know I didn't mean that right?"
Jim gives him one of those little smirks, "Of course Bones."
The blond makes to slide off the bed, but Leonard lurches forward, snatching his arm with the blond flinching, "Jim I'm serious, you're not a screw up, if anything I'm the one messing up this friendship."
Jim pauses, giving Leonard a look to let go, "I know Bones, and no one's messing this friendship up, it's just life."
Leonard nods and follows Jim off the bed.
"Now, I think there's some pie left, so I'm gonna have me some damn delicious pie." Jim declares, and Leonard shakes his head, "Unbelievable."
The days to follow are slow, and almost antagonizing so. Jim has gained his voice back, along with the return of some color into his face. The bags underneath his eyes have melted away and there's almost a skip in his step. Leonard finds himself performing more eye rolls each day, and he swears he's getting a headache because of it. The bickering he throws Jim's way is always returned with snarky sarcastic comments that make his Mama shake her head in annoyance.
A week before Christmas Leonard forces his Ma to let him bring in a tree, because "what would Christmas be without one?" His Ma had given in and Jim helped him pick out a tree. Though decorating the damn thing was an entirely a different matter. Jim was like the kid the parent lets decorate the tree, but once gone, said parent would redecorate the tree because the kid did an awful job. The blond had to wait for Leonard to cover the tree in lights, and all the kid did was bounce on the couch in anticipation. Afterwards they decorated and Leonard sighed inwardly at Jim's choice of placement. In the end, Leonard switched the ornaments when Jim wasn't looking. Despite the rearrangement of the tree's ornaments, all Leonard earned was a questioning glare from Jim.
When Christmas day comes around, well that's when the real shit goes down.
Leonard had woken up early that morning, there was no excitement, not the type a child would feel on Christmas day, but there was a little buzz of something.
He leaves his room, but the usual Christmas aroma of freshly baked cinnamon rolls and frying bacon isn't there, just the normal scent of his Ma's candles and the musk of wood. Then he sees his Mama, dressing herself in a coat and pulling on her boots.
"Ma, what's goin' on?" He asks, voice gruff with sleep.
She shakes her head, "It's Jim, dear."
He frowns, rubbing his face, "What about him?"
His Ma's face falters for a moment, and there's a moment of her recollecting herself. Leonard closes the distance between them, clutching his Mama's arm, "What is it?" She stares into his eyes, "He's gone."
Author's Note: Why is this chapter so long? I have no idea guys, it just kind of happened all on its own. I know this is supposed to be more Christmas-ish, but this is how it turned out and there'll probably be more Christmas stuff in the next chapter instead of all being jammed in at the end. So, I hope you guys have enjoyed this so far, just know I've been writing this story for over a year now and I've only writing from mid-August to Christmas day, so how long do you think it'll take me to write three years? Anyways thanks for everything guys-oh also there will probably be a New Year's chapter, but it'll probably be like a month late, seeing that the Christmas chapter is coming in late as well, so Happy New Years guys and I'll see you next year. Live Long and Prosper.