Family Road Trips

by TheDoctorOrGabriel

Sam, Dean, Cas, Gabriel, Michael and Lucifer are on their way to Chuck's conventions. What goes on between Angels and Winchesters and the Devil. Later, adventures after convention ends. Sam/Gabriel Eventually Dean/Cas Hilarity ensues. rated M for languag

36. Chapter 36

Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Supernatural

Michael: "Where did you get mistletoe from?"

Lucifer: "Santa!"

Gabriel: "Santa isn't real, stupid!"

Lucifer: "Yes, he is! How'd I get the mistletoe, then?"

Gabriel: "Uh, I dunno—CROWLEY!"

Lucifer: "Whoa! I didn't know he was Santa!"

Dean: "Yeah, cos freakin' Bobby is Santa!"

Bobby: "Shut up!"

Sam: "Christmas is so loud."

Chuck: "Well, family is like that."

Sam: "That's true."

Chuck: ". . . .Family doesn't fucking leave each other at the mall!"

Sam: "That wasn't my fault!"

Chuck: "Doesn't matter! Why didn't you come back for me?"

Sam: ". . . ."

Chuck: "Assholes!"

Cas: ". . . ."

Michael: ". . . ."

Lucifer: "Santa is real!"

Gabriel: "Don't be an idiot!—Or a bigger idiot. Think about it Lucy, do you really want some fat, drunk, old person in your house in the middle of the night?"

Lucifer: ". . . ."

Gabriel: "And, he's jolly because he's fucking drunk senseless off of milk?"

Lucifer: ". . . ."

Gabriel: "AND, a big pervert because he goes to children with presents? Is that really Santa?"

Lucifer: ". . . .Crowley's like that?"

Gabriel: "Wha-No!. . . .Whatever! Lemme see the mistletoe!"

Lucifer: "I don't wanna fucking kiss you!"

Gabriel: "Just lemme see the damn plant!-Lucifer! This ain't mistletoe it's fucking grass!"

Lucifer: "Well, duhhh! Mistletoe is grass!"

Gabriel: "NOOO! IT'S NOT!. . . .How the hell did Crowley get grass this weird looking?"

Lucifer: "I'm telling you, shortie, mistletoe is-"

Gabriel: "NOO!"

Cas: ". . . ."

Michael: ". . . ."

Sam: "We just thought-"

Chuck: "What? That you could leave me there?"

Sam: "Yes! No-well, yeah. I mean, you were free!"

Chuck: "What'd you mean?"

Sam: "You were alone, Chuck! Far from this whackjob car!"

Chuck: ". . . ."

Sam: "You could've went home! Back to mommy!—and mommy! By like, whatever! Plane, train, car, maybe even a fucking taxi. . . ."

Chuck: "Dude, you're right!"

Sam: "Why the fuck would you wrap yourself up-"

Chuck: "Crowley!"

Cas: ". . . ."

Michael: ". . . ."

Dean: "What? I didn't say anything!"

Bobby: "You keep bringing it up!"

Dean: "That was years ago, Bobby! I don't even remember what you looked like!"

Bobby: "Yes, you can! You're fucking imagining me with a beard right now!"

Dean: "No, I'm not!. . . . . .hehehehehehe!"

Bobby: "Superman idjit!"

Cas: ". . . ."

Michael: ". . . ."

Cas: ". . . ."

Michael: ". . . ."

Cas: "Should we tell them the gas is spilling?"

Michael: "Nah, they'll figure it out."

Dean: "AAAHHHH! THE GAS! GABRIEL, YOU IDIOT!"

Gabriel: "I didn't do it!"

. . . . . .

Lucifer: "On the road again!"

Michael: ". . . ."

Bobby: "At least Crowley got us a states map."

Michael: "I hate maps!"

Lucifer: "And, maps hate you."

Bobby: "I like maps. Maps are cool."

Michael: "Maps are wrong! Listen to the Archangel!"

Bobby: "I rather not. You assholes are such control freaks. . . .And you're wrong all the time!"

Dean: "I'm hungry."

Sam: "You're always hungry."

Gabriel: "Are you hungry for Cas?"

Cas: ". . . ."

Dean: "No!"

Gabriel: "You don't have to say so quickly! You'll hurt Cas' feelings!"

Cas: ". . . ."

Lucifer: "Cas doesn't have feelings. . . .or emotions. I mean, just look at his face!"

Cas: ". . . ."

Chuck: "Don't be a dick to Cas!"

Dean: "Shut up, dickfaces. Cas doesn't give a shit, he's superior to your pointless arguing."

Sam: "So, you're inferior?"

Dean: "No, I'm not! You—yeah, I guess I am. . . .Let's stop and eat."

Sam: "We just ate at the mall."

Dean: "Well, all that arguing and Crowley made me hungry!"

Cas: "Would you like my Red Bull?"

Gabriel: "You should've got a Pepsi Max! Pepsi Max is better!"

Bobby: ". . . .I like Coke Zero better."

Gabriel: "Oh, no you didn't! Fuck Coke Zero!"

Bobby: "Hey! Don't make me throw you through a window!"

Gabriel: "Holy shit, Bobby! I'm about to bring Snoop Dogg all up in this bitch!"

Dean: "What are they talking about?"

Sam: "No idea."

Cas: "I don't understand their references."

Dean: "No one does."

Michael: ". . . .Why does this map say Munchkinland?"

Lucifer: "Ohh lemme see! Where's Candyland? I wanna go there!"

Gabriel: "Me too! Me too!"

Sam: "Let me see. . . .What the fuck? Narnia?"

Dean: "Narnia? Oh right, you think about fairytales often."

Sam: "It's not a fairytale!"

Dean: "But these aren't real places!"

Gabriel: "No shit, high school dropout!"

Bobby: ". . . ."

Michael: "See? Maps aren't fucking cool!"

Bobby: "Damnit, Crowley!"

Lucifer: "Damnit, Santa!"

Gabriel: "HE'S NOT SANTA!"

Dean: "Narnia, Munchkinland, Candyland, Cheese world, the moon—the moon? What the fuck?"

Cas: ". . . ."

Michael: "Where are we headed? Stop driving, Lucifer."

Lucifer: "No! I'm going to some place on the map!"

Michael: "Which one?"

Lucifer: "Raxacoricofallapatorious!"

Sam: "How'd you even say that?"

Chuck: "It's easy! Raxacoricofallapatorious!"

Dean: "Puppets, Hell, Smurf turf, Camelot, Burger world, Clom—Burger world? Burger world! Let's go there!"

Sam: "This isn't a real map, Dean."

Bobby: "This map's pretty cool. Maps are cool."

Michael: "No it's not. It fucking sucks. We're probably lost again."

Lucifer: "Doesn't matter."

Gabriel: "Hey Lucy, the longer we're lost, the longer you have to wait to get your llama!"

Lucifer: "Aaaahhh! Llamas comes first! But—Raxacoricofallapatorious—llama—Raxacoricofallapatorious—llama—it's so fucking hard to choose!"

Cas: ". . . ."

Sam: "Are you sure this is the Devil?"

Lucifer: "Wait! How do I know that llamas aren't on Raxacoricofallapatorious?"

Dean: "Oh, I dunno—BECAUSE RAXACORICOFALLAPATORIOUS ISN'T REAL!"

Gabriel: "Call Crowley."

Lucifer: "Okay!"

Dean: "I can't believe we're calling Crowley about this. . . . ."

. . . . . .

Crowley: "I can't believe you fucking called me here for this shit."

Dean: "I know!"

Lucifer: "Shut up! Is Raxacoricofallapatorious a real place or not?"

Crowley: ". . . ."

Lucifer: "Tell the truth."

Crowley: "Hmmm. . . .yeah, it is."

Dean: "What? LIAR!"

Sam: "Gotta be kidding me."

Lucifer: "WOOOOO! We're going! Thanks, Santa!"

Crowley: ". . . .Idiots. . . .Santa? Did he just call me Santa? Do I look like Bobby?"

. . . . .

Lucifer: ". . . .Don't say it."

Dean: "Oh, but I will. I TOLD YOU IT WASN'T REAL!"

Chuck: "It's just a sign that says 'Raxacoricofallapatorious'. And, a tree."

Bobby: "Oh look, another sign. 'DUMBASSES'. Great."

Sam: "Oh man, do you feel stupid?"

Gabriel: "He feels like that every damn day."

Cas: ". . . ."

Michael: "We turn around now, yes?"

Dean: "And where do we go, huh? The fucking moon?"

Lucifer: "Ooooh, can we?"

Dean: "Yeah, hold on. Let me just jump in my rocket ship!"

Gabriel: "Rocket ship? I wanna be co-pilot!"

Dean: "Fuck off, idiot."

Lucifer: "So, where to now?"

Michael: "Oh, I don't know—LET'S JUST FOLLOW THE MAP."

Bobby: "Shut up. Maps are cool."

Dean: "And, we're probably wasting what little gas we have left, because SOMEONE spilled it all!"

Gabriel: "I didn't do anything!"

Sam: "Well then, we should look for a gas station."

Cas: "OR A FUCKING INSANE ASYLUM!"

Dean: ". . . ."

Sam: ". . . ."

Gabriel: ". . . ."

Chuck: ". . . ."

Bobby: ". . . ."

Lucifer: ". . . ."

Michael: ". . . ."

Dean: ". . . .Cas?"

Cas: "Don't fucking 'Cas' me, you idiot!"

Dean: ". . . ."

Cas: "DO YOU KNOW WHY I'M SOO FUCKING QUIET? IT'S NOT BECAUSE I'M STUPID AND DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON, IT'S BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO STAY THE FUCK CALM! YOU DUMBASSES ARE SO LOUD AND ANNOYING-"

Lucifer: ". . . ."

Michael: ". . . ."

Dean: ". . . ."

Sam: ". . . ."

Gabriel: ". . . ."

Chuck: ". . . ."

Bobby: ". . . ."

Cas: "—TRY SHUTTING UP FOR ONCE IN YOUR DAMN LIVES! ALL YOU DO IS YELL, YELL, YELL! IT'S INFURIATING! JUST SHUUUUTTT UUUPPP! LUCIFER, LLAMAS ARE NOT SQUARES AND NO ONE FUCKING LIKES LLAMAS!"

Lucifer: ". . . ."

Cas: "THAT MAP ISN'T COOL, IT'S FUCKING USELESS AND IT FUCKED EVERYTHING UP! AND MICHAEL, IF YOU DIDN'T THROW OUT FIRST MAP, WE WOULDN'T BE IN THIS SHITTY MESS!"

Bobby: ". . . ."

Michael: ". . . ."

Cas: "GABRIEL AND DEAN, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! IT'S JUST CONSTANT BLAH BLAH BLAH BETWEEN YOU IDIOTS! IT'S SOOOO FUCKING ANNOYING TO LISTEN TO! AND YOUR INAPPROPRIATE COMMENTS ARE STUPID, SO SHUT UP! SAM AND CHUCK ARE ALRIGHT, BECAUSE THEY DON'T CONSTANTLY PISS ME OFF EVERY SECOND! THEY DON'T YELL AND SCREAM AT EACH OTHER!"

Gabriel: ". . . ."

Dean: ". . . ."

Sam: ". . . ."

Chuck: ". . . ."

Cas: "LISTENING TO YOU WHACKJOBS, SUCKS! YOU HEAR ME? SUCKS! AND IF I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT ANOTHER MINUTE, I'M GOING TO FUCKING EXPLODE! DO YOU KNOW HOW CLOSE I AM TO FUCKING STICKING MYSELF IN A RING OF HOLYFIRE SO THAT I DON'T HAVE TO GO WITH YOU IDIOTS ANOTHER MILE? IT'S LIKE EVERYONE HAS TAKEN STUPID PILLS AND I'M TRAVELLING WITH A BUNCH OF MONKEYS ON CRACK!"

Dean: ". . . ."

Sam: ". . . ."

Gabriel: ". . . ."

Chuck: ". . . ."

Bobby: ". . . ."

Lucifer: ". . . ."

Michael: ". . . ."

Cas: ". . . .Yeah, that's about it."

Dean: ". . . ."

Sam: ". . . ."

Gabriel: ". . . ."

Chuck: ". . . ."

Bobby: ". . . ."

Cas: ". . . ."

Lucifer: "Dude, Cassie has finally cracked!"

Gabriel: "No more Red Bull for you!"