He's in bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering if he'll sleep at all tonight. He considers just getting up, accepting that there will be no rest tonight, when he hears a soft knock at his door. He feels the Bond come alive with tentative touches and he gasps at the feeling of her. He's at the door in an instant.
She looks awful. She's pale and there are dark circles under her eyes. He just looks at her, soaking in the feeling of Rey. It's agonizing how much he needs to hold her.
"I can't sleep," she says. He doesn't know what to say.
"I … no … neither can I."
He sees she doesn't really know what she's doing either.
"I … I haven't slept, since … not really."
"I … understand." He's so happy she's here and he's desperate not to scare her away.
"Uhm. Could I come in?" He feels stupid for not inviting her in immediately. It just never occurred to him that she wouldn't know she was welcome.
"Of course, always … I hope you know that." She nods slightly.
They stand awkwardly in the center of his room and he's painfully aware that the only place for them both to sit is the bed. Their bed.
He looks into her eyes and reaches for her hand, slowly, gently. She lets him. He leads her to the bed and they sit together, almost touching. He keeps her hand in his. Feeling her again, he wants to pull her down and hold her as close as he can. He feels the tears –the tears that always threaten to fall since he rent them apart –burn his eyes. He feels her let just a bit of herself through the Bond. He feels that she's ached, too. He feels her conflict and her fear.
"I don't really know why I'm here," she says quietly.
"I'm so glad that you are."
"You … how could you do that to me?" She sounds hurt and accusatory.
Ben closes his eyes and feels the guilt run through him, snagging on all his broken places.
"I was so wrong Rey. I … I don't know how to explain. I'm so sorry. I just … I just wanted to protect you."
"When will you stop doing that?"
"Doing what?"
"Trying to protect me; trying to choose for me." Ben is startled by this. Choose for her … no, he would never take away her free will. This was nothing like that. Was it? He thinks and realizes that he did decide what to do without ever discussing it with her, presenting it as final. Perhaps if he had talked with her, instead of informing her, this all would have been avoided. He sees, oh how he sees. Maker, he'll never get it right, never.
"I … you're right, Rey. You're right. I did do that. I didn't see it that way at the time, but I do now. I should have talked to you instead of deciding for you."
"Yes, you should have. You really hurt me."
"I know … I know I did, oh Rey, my love. Please let me fix this."
"I don't know that you can." Oh, that hurts. Has he wrecked this forever? Will he have to spend his days living this half-life?
They're silent, holding hands. She leans over and puts her head on his shoulder and his breath is caught in his throat. He's held in a place of terror and want and desperate, furious love. Slowly, so slowly, he puts his arm around her. She flows into him and suddenly they're wrapped around each other tightly.
"Oh Ben …" she breathes out.
He's blinking rapidly to keep the tears at bay. He just holds her as close as he can and feels how amazing it is to have her in his arms again. He's missed her so, so much. He waits for her to inevitably pull away. But she stays, and he is so very grateful.
They stay like that for a long time, just holding each other. Neither speaks and she lets the Bond open up and he feels her. He feels how she wanted to forgive him as soon as he'd seen reason, how she'd struggled with her feelings of betrayal and her love for him. How she'd watched him surreptitiously, remembering his arms around her. How she'd talked with Leia for hours and trained hard with Luke. How Chewie would silently work with her, a comfort because he understood what it was to love Ben and not be able to reconcile that love with the pain.
"I'm so sorry," he whispers in her hair.
"I love you, Ben. I miss you so much. It's like being ripped apart every day. But … how can I ever trust you again?"
"I don't know," he says hollowly.
"You promised," she says in a very small voice, full of child-like accusation.
"I know I did. And I meant it – I mean it. I … didn't want to leave you. My heart, my soul … they never could leave you. I wasn't thinking clearly. I had completely lost perspective. I just needed to stop hurting you."
"So you decided to do the one thing you promised never to do? Do you understand, really understand, what it did to me to have you want to leave? To leave? I understand now that you didn't mean leave me, not exactly. But … but to a lonely little girl abandoned on Jakku, it was the same thing. You wanted to leave me, Ben. You. The first person I've ever trusted. The first person I ever let in. And then all of my nightmares came true. All I'm good for is leaving. No one will ever want me, not enough to keep me."
His voice cracks as he says, "I won't ever do that again. I know my promises mean nothing, but please let me try. Let me show you. I won't ever leave you, never again. And I know the damage is done, but I never did leave. I stayed."
"You won't just decide to do what you think is best for me again? What if something else from your past comes up?"
"No, Rey. I promise I'll talk to you. I won't … I won't decide for you again. I'll talk to you. You're the only person I've ever really talked to. Well, until recently."
She pulls back and looks up at him. She traces his jaw with her fingers. The feeling of her hand on his face makes him shudder. "Until recently?"
"I … I told my mother about Snoke. About what happened. What he did. To me."
She smiles at this, her eyes filling with that warmth he's missed so very much. "Good. I'm proud of you."
He pulls her back to him, tucking her head under his chin. "You were right. I think perhaps you're always right."
"Don't forget it." Her teasing tone fills him with hope for the first time since he'd broken everything with his thoughtless stupidity.
"Will you stay with me tonight?" He's so afraid to ask this, but he's learning to live with how vulnerable she makes him.
"Oh. I … I don't know if I'm ready for that yet."
"To sleep. Just to sleep. You don't know how I've missed you."
"Don't I?" She's quiet for a long time. He just holds her and waits.
"Alright. Just to sleep."
He shifts them then and she's back in that spot, where she fits perfectly against him. The Bond is flowing freely and he feels her cautious hope.
"It will be alright, Rey. Everything is going to be alright."
"Really, Ben?"
"Yes, really."
They close their eyes and drift.
~BR~
He wakes up to her watching him, having shifted in the night so she's facing him, her pert nose nearly touching his. Her eyes are roaming over his face and she looks mesmerized.
"Hello," she says.
"Hello," he says back.
She leans forward ever so slightly and brushes her lips against his and it's like a spark has travelled between them and suddenly they're kissing passionately, whimpering, gasping and pulling at each other's clothes, moving as close as they can, grinding desperately against each other. Then they both realize and slow down, kissing gently until they pull back.
"I didn't mean to get so carried away," she says.
"No, I … neither did I." He's very aware of the painful straining against his night clothes. Clearly 'missing Rey' was an all-encompassing state.
She's looking unsure and embarrassed and he must chase it away and bring back their closeness. He must coax her back.
He reaches up and strokes her cheek and says, "We'll go slow, just like before. Wait until you trust me again."
"Thank you, Ben. I want to trust you. I know you were only trying to do what you thought was best for me. But … I didn't know I could hurt like that and it terrifies me. Then I realized I'd rather take the chance of the pain than to go on without you. I … oh Ben, I missed you so much. So much." She's holding onto him tightly. He strokes along her back gently. He's so happy that she's here.
"We will never be parted again. I will make sure of it," Ben swears.
"I … I want to believe you, I truly do," she says into his chest.
"Oh, my darling girl, you can. You'll see; I'll prove it to you. Every day, I'll prove it to you."
~BR~
They're walking to breakfast when they hear a loud, "Whoop!" and a muttered, "Finally." They turn and see Poe and Finn walking towards them.
"At least it didn't take two months this time!" Poe says cheerfully.
Ben just looks at him and Rey looks at the ground.
"Seriously, you guys have gotta stop doing the push-me, pull- you dance. It's exhausting. No one can keep up!" Poe is enjoying this far too much.
Finn steps forward and looks at Ben meaningfully and says, "I'm glad you made the right choice, Solo."
"There never was a choice to make, not really … Finn." It's the first time he's used his name out loud. Both men seem a bit startled. Rey smiles one of her impossibly beautiful smiles and her Light shines so brightly. Ben knows that he is the luckiest man alive because she has let him back in her life.
~BR~
They've had to spend the day apart; she had a busy day in the hangar and things are heating up with the Resistance, so his expertise was needed. All he wanted to do was be with her. The day was interminable. They're back in his room and he's overwhelmed by the knowledge he'll be able to hold her all through the night.
She's coming out of the 'fresher when she sees him drop today's stone in the container in a drawer in his bureau. He'd moved it from the bedside, not quite ready to admit he'd carried on her ritual.
"What's that?" Well, he's caught now.
"I … well you see …" He decides to just show her. He takes the jar from the drawer and puts it in her hands.
"My … days." She sounds confused and a little sad. "But, there are stones in here I don't recognize."
"No, you wouldn't. I put a stone in for every day we were apart, because I couldn't bear for there to be any missing days. Because I love you – I will always love you."
"Oh Ben …" Her eyes are bright with tears. "I have something to show you." She goes to her pack and withdraws a small, soft bag and puts it in his hand. He tips the contents out and finds a collection of pebbles.
"I couldn't bear to miss a day either, so I kept a stone for each day, hoping you still loved me. And then it became about counting the days that I love you."
He doesn't know what to say. This tangible, physical embodiment of their connection is almost too much.
"Well … perhaps we should combine them? We'll start counting days together. A stone from each of us, for each day that we love and are loved?"
She smiles up at him and nods. Together they add her stones to the new jar of days and they wrap themselves around each other. He closes his eyes and just feels how perfect she is, fitted tightly against him. He promises to himself that he will never lose her again; not even for a day. There will be no more awful fights and destructive distance; not if he can help it. He will finally learn to think. He has to. This is too important.
~BR~
They're in the sparring room and she's on fire – he's beginning to think she might win this round. Her senses are sharp, her reflexes keen. She's anticipating everything he throws at her and is managing to land quite a few of her blows. He's certain he'll have bruises and he's filled with pride.
All of a sudden he's on his back and she's straddling him, her knees at his shoulders and … oh, she's so close and he can catch the scent of her and, oh stars, she's aroused. He feels himself respond immediately and the charge in the air shifts from violence to passion in an instant. She moves herself down his body, dragging her breasts along his chest and she's holding him down by the wrists and kissing him fiercely. He moans into her mouth and bucks up, grinding himself against her center. She pushes back and they're fighting a very different fight, one he is only too happy to lose.
They tangle and kiss and she finally lets his hands go. They roam up and down her body, reacquainting himself with her glorious curves and her soft skin. He puts his hands under her shirt, stroking up her back and then under her bindings, feeling those perfect breasts. Oh he's missed her so much. But he won't take her here, on the floor of the sparring room – it's not right, somehow. He gentles his passion and she makes a noise of annoyance.
"No Rey, not here, not like this. Not yet, at any rate." He smiles at her.
She pouts, but nods. "You're right … I know you're right."
He kisses her gently one last time and she moves off of him, gracefully pulling herself to her feet. She's been doing exceptionally well at training. Their time apart filled her with a certain fierceness and even Luke seems to have risen to the occasion, showing her increasingly advanced techniques.
"Shall we move to our sabers?" he asks as he stands.
With a feral grin she says, "Oh yes."
~BR~
He's walking to another meeting when he feels Chewie's arms come around him, holding him tight.
"What? Chewie, what is it?"
The Princess told me. I am sorry Little Ben
He's suddenly filled with a riot of confused and tangled emotions. He's not sure he wants Chewie to know what happened to him. It's too close to his father knowing his shame. How he bent. How he broke. He knows Rey says he shouldn't be ashamed, but he is; he thinks he always will be. He barely recognizes what he became and he regrets it so bitterly.
Chewie is still holding on, and Ben hugs him back. It feels so good to hug Chewie again, years of warmth and comfort in the feel of his long fur. He remembers so much, these feelings precious to him.
Chewie pulls back and pats him on the head gruffly.
We should have come. Your father would regret this.
"I … my father. I miss him, Chewie. Every day I miss him."
His head cocked to the side, Chewie looks at Ben for a long time. Your father gambled, usually lost. This time he won. And with that, Chewie is walking away again. Ben is overwhelmed. Could Chewie forgive him someday? He hopes – oh, he hopes.
~BR~
They're in bed, holding each other, kissing slowly. He's so grateful to have her back in his arms, back in their bed, back in his life. He'll never let her go. Soon, he thinks … soon he'll ask her. Ask her to be his, forever.
Thank you to the most amazing beta out there, Meaghan M/Juulna. She's tremendous.
Thank you to everyone reading, following, favorite-ing, and reviewing. I so appreciate your time!