A/N: I can say I'm sorry a million times and it still won't be enough. This chapter isn't much better to be honest.
I promise you this story has a happy ending!
Morning, the smell of salt in the air, the gentle, unavoidable rocking of the ship underneath her. Usually waking up on the ship was a happy thought for Regina. Waking up on the ship meant waking up with Emma still laying by her side - she always woke up earlier during a voyage, between the excitement of their journey and the noise that would start outside so very early in the morning. On the ship, she didn't wake up to find Emma already awake and working like she would at home.
That is, when they used to sleep in the same bed, anyway.
This morning, however, marked the third of a four day journey towards Misthaven, and filled Regina with a sense of dread that was starting to worsen by the hour. And to top it all off, Emma had banished her to the cabin next to Ruby's - the one she'd given to Granny on the journey to and from the Sweet Shores. It afforded her privacy from the rest of the men - some of which seemed to catch on to the fact that she'd fallen out of favour with their captain. She didn't know if she should be glad that Emma still protected her despite how angry she was with her lately, or frustrated about the obvious love that Emma showed by the action alone.
She wasn't allowed to go to the captain's cabin, Emma had made that clear, and she made it clear that she would ignore Regina if she attempted to talk to her. It dawned on Regina that Emma's bad mood and aggression back when they'd met would be a blessing at this point. Having Emma Swan screaming in your face meant you were still worth her time and energy. Indeed, nothing hurt more than being ignored by the blonde entirely.
The very idea that Regina would rather have Emma yelling at her pissed her off. She didn't want Emma to yell at her, she wanted her to listen, let Regina explain and, hopefully, forgive her. All she wanted was to learn about Emma's past…was that such a bad thing?
"No it isn't." Belle had said with a frustrated huff their first night on the trip back to Misthaven. "She's not exactly innocent, harboring secrets from you."
"I know." Regina had said, her voice was weak and hoarse from the crying fit she'd just had. She felt miserable and there was little anyone could do to console her. "I'm sorry you're getting the backlash of this as much as I am…maybe if I hadn't involved you…"
"Regina stop it." Belle snapped. "You keep blaming yourself."
"Who else is there to blame?" Regina asked.
"Emma!" Belle said. "And her ridiculous, stubborn, ignorant insistence on not wanting to tell you the truth of her past."
"I can't be sure but I think the worst of it was the details I gathered from her documents." Regina sighed. "It's all pointless anyway, discussing all this now. I've made my bed."
"She's going to be miserable for the rest of her life if she goes through with this. She's damning herself as much as she's damning all of us." Belle said.
"The problem with that is that…she already sees herself as damned. What's a little more on top of what she already has?" Regina sighed. "I, on the other hand…"
"What Regina?" Belle sighed, gently rubbing her shoulder.
"I don't think I'll ever be able to love anyone else Belle." Regina said, her voice a low whisper as tears started falling again. "How can I ever be happy without her?"
"I…Don't know…" Belle sighed. "I wish I could give you an answer…maybe then the same could apply to me."
"Do you know what Ruby will do when she leaves Emma's crew?" Regina asked.
"I don't. She suggested staying in Misthaven but…it's too dangerous for her given her past and her origin. She'd have to change her name, live as a fugitive. I'd rather shatter my heart into a million pieces by saying goodbye to her than allow her to live in constant danger for my sake. I told her as much." The noble girl explained.
"What did she say?" Regina asked again.
"Nothing…she just held me and cried, cursed Emma to the deepest of hells for putting us in this situation." Belle shrugged. "I didn't disagree."
"Can't blame you." Regina sighed. "What are the chances that things will work out in the end?"
"I always try to be the hopeful positive one but…" Belle shook her head. "There's probably a better chance of surviving a bullet to the heart."
"There's an option." Regina scoffed.
"Stop that." Belle swatted her shoulder lightly. "Don't talk like that."
"I'm sorry, I'm miserable." Regina sighed. "You should go be with Ruby."
"She's working. And I can't stand seeing Emma's face right now." Belle said, laying down on the small bed beside Regina. "She'll come get me when she's off duty."
"Do you have your books here?" Regina asked.
"Yes, I do." Belle nodded. "Why?"
"Can you read me one? One of the happier ones…maybe that one about the girl who disguises herself as a man and takes her father's place in the army?" Regina asked.
"That was always your favorite." Belle smiled and kissed the princess' temple. "I'll be right back."
If she ate any food while on this journey, it was all thanks to Belle's insistence that she do so. Beyond that all she did was sit in her room and mope, listen to Belle as she read her stories. She had little energy or motivation for anything else. She didn't think this much sorrow was possible. But then again, before Emma she didn't think that much happiness was possible either, and, she figured, the death of unimaginable joy must then be followed by unimaginable sorrow.
And another morning marked another day full of it.
"Wind's coming from the west." Ruby said.
"I know." Emma nodded.
"We'll get there early at this rate…unless another storm hits us like the last time we were on this route." Ruby sighed, hunched over a map sat on a table on the upper deck.
The last time they were on this route…Emma sighed…she jumped into the sea to save Regina from drowning. She'd been so stubborn, ignoring Emma's orders to get inside…Gods. She'd been so pissed at the princess that night. She had been yelling at her for being so damned stubborn and inquisitive…and then Regina kissed her…
Stubborn and inquisitive…That's exactly what attracted her to the princess in the first place…why did it also have to be their undoing?
"What do we do if it's a trap?" Ruby asked.
"What?" Emma was pulled out of her inner thoughts.
"A trap, Swan." Ruby said. "By the queen?"
"We fight." Emma shrugged. "Like always."
"You'll forgive me if I'm not exactly as willing to live anymore." Ruby scoffed.
"Well Granny will murder me for letting you die, so try." Emma said.
"Oh fuck off." Ruby snapped. "You don't give a damn about what anyone else thinks. You wouldn't be doing this if you did."
"You don't know why I'm doing this." Emma barked.
"I don't much care either." Ruby said. "You're hurting everyone including yourself by doing it. Don't expect anyone to have any sympathy for your reasons after you shoved your head this far up your ass and fucked the rest of us over as a result."
"I'm doing this to keep us safe. Not my fault you can't see that." Emma said.
"And Regina?" Ruby asked.
"She's none of your business." Emma said.
"No, but you clearly don't care enough about her to make her yours. And someone's gotta take care of her while she's sitting miserable in that room you put her in. You wouldn't even let the poor girl explain." Ruby said. "And you can lie through your teeth all you want, I know you still love her. So why treat her like that?"
"She poked her nose where is doesn't belong." Emma snapped.
"And what did you do? Besides lie to her about who you really are." Ruby stepped closer to her. "Your fucking majesty."
"Shut up!" Emma snapped. "Don't you fucking dare."
"She deserved to know who you are and you know that."
"I was going to tell her…I was…I wanted to." Emma sighed. "I just needed time."
"Well we're running out of time. By my calculations we'll be arriving in Misthaven tonight." Ruby said, crossing her arms. "So are you really going to let her go, just like that?"
"What choice do I have? Cora will kill us all if I don't." Emma said.
"I think she's going to kill you regardless…might as well die for a good reason." Ruby said. "But never mind me, I'm no queen am I?"
"Shut the fuck up and man the helm." Emma said with a huff before she walked down from the upper deck and straight to her cabin, slamming the door shut.
She paced around her room like a caged lion before she growled, picked up the nearest object, which happened to be an empty bottle of rum, and threw it against the door, shattering it on contact. The sound of glass shattering somehow calmed her down.
And the she dropped into a chair and started crying, her heart shattering into pieces like the bottle had just done.
That she loved Regina was without question. She didn't think there was any possible situation in which she could feel anything but love towards Regina. But it hurt to know that the girl had been hiding things from her - about her own life, no less.
In some logical part of her mind, Emma knew that eventually Regina had to know the truth - all of it. She just wanted time. Time to get used to feeling safe around Regina. She'd been getting there. And if it weren't for that journal.
And that letter.
How was she meant to keep Regina in her life and stand up against Cora? When she herself had seen the devastation the vengeful queen was willing and able to cause. Was she meant to risk the life of the few people she had left in her life to love?
Was she meant to find Regina laying dead like she'd found her mother? Cold, lifeless, her eyes still open and staring blankly at her, the light that she always had in them snuffed out for the sake of Cora's greed.
The very thought made her sob loudly. No. There was no way she could risk that. A fight with Cora would risk Regina's life, Belle's, and Ruby's. Her crews'.
The anger towards Regina and Belle for snooping around, that was safe. Hating Ruby for hiding the fact that she knew was easier than letting her best friend die for her and the women they loved.
Having them all hate her was easier than watching them die.
She pulled her handkerchief from her pocket, wiping her face into it before she reached over and picked up another bottle of rum - still half full by the gods' graces.
She took a long, deep drink, letting the alcohol burn her throat and chest before she took another. Then she got up, leaving the room to get back to the helm.
A princess could love a queen, but she could never love a pirate. And for Regina's sake, she had to be a pirate.
"How long do we have?" Belle asked.
"By my calculations…hours." Ruby sighed, sitting on the bed beside her. She'd just been dismissed by Emma, and Regina told Belle to go be with Ruby while she could. And gods, if the situation were different Belle would have refused, but she needed to be with Ruby. To cling to her for as long as she could, even if that wasn't very long at all.
"Damn her." Belle hissed.
"She's as broken as we are." Ruby stated plainly. "I could see as much. It doesn't help me feel better mind you. But she is."
"She's literally hurting everyone including herself with this." Belle sighed.
"Did you think anymore about my suggestion?" Ruby asked. Belle shook her head.
"You're not living the life of a fugitive for me. I told you that." She said. "I can't make you do that for me."
"You were willing to give up your life of luxury for me." Ruby said. "I don't have anything to lose."
"Ruby you were a breath of fresh air for me." Belle took her hand. "I'm a death sentence."
"Never thought a death sentence could look so beautiful." Ruby said. She got a light slap on the shoulder.
"Stop being so charming and just hold me, please?" Belle asked. Ruby wrapped her arms gently around her and pulled her as close as possible.
"I can't live without you, Belle." Ruby whispered softly, tears pricking her eyes. "I don't want to."
"I don't either." Belle shook her head. "But we're damned any way we look at it."
"Then why not take the one that lets us be together?" Ruby begged.
"Because I need to know you're still out there. The idea that you're not…" Belle sighed. "I don't know! I can't even think clearly anymore."
A sob escaped Ruby's throat and she buried her face in Belle's neck, hot tears flowing out of her eyes.
"Being stabbed hurts less than this." The pirate choked out. Belle clung tightly to her, as tight as humanly possible, and ran a hand through her hair.
"Just breathe for me…Just breathe."
Ruby never put so much value to her breath as she did at that moment. She'd breathe for eternity as long as Belle asked her to. With her, she could never die.
Without her, she felt she could do little else.
A knock on the door startled Regina. She wiped the stray, drying tears from her face and sat up.
"Yes?" she said. The door opened, and the sight of a familiar red coat made her freeze in place.
"We're here." Emma said. "Put your coat on, it's cold."
Misthaven was always cold.
"I uhm." Regina stood up and gulped, making Emma stop and turn to look at her, even though she was actually avoiding her eyes as best she could. "The coat is yours, actually…I should give it back."
"Keep it." Emma said. Regina looked at her, unsure what else to say. She wrung her hands nervously. And then a brush of metal against her fingers stopped her in her tracks.
She was still wearing the ring.
"You…should take this back." She said as she started taking it off. A gentle hand landed on hers and she looked up at Emma, who looked deeply at her. Not in anger…in pain.
"Keep it." She said.
"But…"
"Please."
Regina gulped, the plea hit her like a punch to the chest and she nodded slowly.
"Try not to be too long…we're docking now…my men spotted a few soldiers waiting. Probably to escort you." Emma sighed. "I'll see you on deck."
She walked away before Regina could say anything else. But the look she'd given the princess stuck with her far too deeply.
She saw Belle and Ruby exit the room they shared, Ruby giving her an apologetic look before she walked away, following Emma up to the deck.
"Belle…" Regina sighed. "She doesn't want this. I saw it in her eyes."
"No one wants this." Belle said. "I don't think any of us have any choice at this point. Emma included."
Regina nodded, picking up the coat Emma had given her and slipping it on. It was time to go.
Stepping out onto the deck for the first time since they got on board felt strange. It was like she was suddenly taking in all the time she spent up there. Working with the crew, watching Emma man the helm…learning how to sail.
She really loved this ship. She couldn't believe it took her that long to realize how much.
They were docked, and she could see the armed soldiers awaiting them. She gulped, the sight of her mother's palace in the distance making her feel physically sick.
"Come on girls." Emma said softly, leading them off the deck and the ship and onto the dock.
"Captain Swan?" the soldier clearly leading the small group said.
"Yes." Emma nodded.
"The queen requests an audience, you're to follow us to the palace." He said.
"I don't remember anything about that in her letter." Emma said.
"Queen's orders." He insisted.
"Of course they are." Emma rolled her eyes. "Well lead the way then."
"I don't like this, Captain." Ruby muttered under her breath.
"I don't either, just walk and stay sharp." Emma whispered back quietly. "If it gets ugly, get the girls to safety. I'm the one Cora wants, you shouldn't have to pay the consequences."
"Kind of wish you said that back on the Cape." Ruby sighed. "Alright."
They were silent the rest of the short walk there. Their eyes sharp and vigilant. Regina and Belle seemed to pick up on the fact that they were nervous, even with the distance the soldiers insisted on putting between them and the pirates.
Coming upon the gates to the palace was no happy memory for Emma, in fact Ruby could almost hear her teeth grinding together as her jaw clamped shut tightly.
"Keep your head cool, Swan." Ruby said softly. Emma gave her a nod but said nothing as the gates opened and they were lead up a long staircase before they entered the main door, and then through the long corridors.
Emma didn't need to be told that they were being greeted by Cora in the throne room. She knew all too well where she was going.
She tried to stay focused, but she was having trouble focusing as her heart started hammering in her chest, the blood rushing in her ears covering the sound of the soldier's heavy footsteps.
Before she knew it, she was being lead through the doors of Cora's throne room.
A/N: Thoughts? Concerns? Emotional cursing? Send them my way (I deserve being yelled at tbh)