Disclaimer: The concepts and characters of Naruto belong to their rightful owner. I claim no ownership of them at all.

Warnings: Dark themes in this chapter my friends (which could be triggering for people with depression) along with Angst, Sasuke x Naruto and use of prescription drugs.

Authors Notes: I'm so sorry for the delay! December/Christmas was terribly chaotic, and now that I am finally able to slow down I am intent on finishing this story! Don't be mad about what's in this chapter guys, it will get better and it's definitely not the end! There are still more chapters to come, but we are definitely on the home stretch now. (I will give you a hint, I am a believer in happy endings!)

Chapter 34: Nobody Nowhere

You see this writing on the wall.
Oh, angel, you see this curtain fall.
Good times seem so far away,
Just a memory, old and grey.
And there was no one like you.
You rip apart the clouds in all my days.
Others all fade away,
on this long highway.

Long Highway by The Jezabels

Naruto was the first to wake the next morning. Sasuke was on his back with his face turned away from him, and gentle pre-dawn light made his skin look like it was glowing. Naruto lay on his side and watched the gentle rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. It was almost hypnotic, and only weeks ago the same sight inspired such a feeling of peace and serenity that it had made everything seem right in the world.

Now, watching his lover sleep only brought a horrible loneliness and pain that it threatened to choke him. Nothing else mattered, not even the problems he had caused to those he loved, when faced with even the idea of never seeing Sasuke again.

"I suppose there's no use in asking what you're thinking about," Sasuke said quietly, breaking into his dark thoughts.

Naruto jumped and focused on Sasuke's face once more. He managed a weak smile.

"Did you talk to your father?" he asked instead of acknowledging Sasuke's statement.

Sasuke's face transformed into a mask of anger and frustration before he rubbed his hands over his face.

"Yeah, I had the misfortune of spending time in his presence," he muttered.

"And?" he prompted gently. "What did you say to him?"

"He told me that I would have to do it, or I would "suffer the consequences"", Sasuke growled, complete with air quotes. "And I told him that I wouldn't be marrying a complete stranger, no matter how much he tried to force me into it. That's about the time he dismissed me as being "hysterical" and kicked me out."

"What consequences was he talking about?" Naruto forced the words out around the lump in his throat. He already knew what the answer was and once Sasuke acknowledged what he had been afraid of, that would be the seal of their fate stamped red hot across his soul.

Sasuke, however seemed unconcerned at the thought of his father's threats and he shrugged as he stretched his arms above his head.

"He'd probably disown me for awhile, cut me off financially until he realises that I mean what I say. It's not a big deal. In fact, it'd probably be better for both of us if he did. We could be together then," Sasuke turned his head to smile at him beautifully, but Naruto was already shaking him head.

" No Sasuke," he murmured, touching his fingers to Sasuke's mouth softly. "This has gone far enough. I won't be the reason for you being disowned from your family."

"Naruto, it's not your decision to make. We can make it work, I promise. This would be my way out. Don't you see? We can both do what we want and be together," Sasuke said fiercely, turning on his side to gaze at him intently.

"We can make it work," he repeated, and Naruto almost gave in right there.

"I want to," he whispered. "Believe me, I would go with you in a heartbeat. But Sasuke, I have no family. I have nothing to my name except memories, and I wouldn't take you from your family for anything."

"Naruto, you're not listening to me…." Sasuke said, his voice seething with frustration.

"No Sasuke, you're not listening to me," Naruto interrupted, sitting up and taking one of Sasuke's hands in his. He intertwined their fingers and pressed a kiss to the back of Sasuke's.

"I have lived without a family for years now, and it is a torture that I wouldn't wish on anyone. What about your mother? It would break her heart. And I know that you love Itachi, and that he loves you too. Maybe you wouldn't feel it to begin with, but after a while it begins to eat at you. You should be with your family, no matter how hard it may be. "

"What are you saying exactly, Naruto?" Sasuke asked, sitting up abruptly and looking at him straight in the eye.

"You…I love you so much…" Naruto was stumbling now, and on the verge of tears. "I love more that I thought I could ever love anyone, you know that. And if I thought there was a way that we could be together without causing so much pain to other people then I would do it in a heartbeat. I would give up everything for you, but I won't let you give up your only family. I think that it would be best if….if we…If you….You deserve so much better than this, Sasuke. And I can't give it to you."

He couldn't say the words, and the very thought of never having Sasuke with him again made the tears spill down his cheeks. He was trembling from trying so hard not to break down in front of him.

"Naruto…" Sasuke was pulling him close. "We'll find a way. "

"No, Sasuke." Naruto resisted and looked into his eyes. "You know what I'm saying is the truth. I know you do. This is the way that it should be."

"No, Naruto," Sasuke was angry, seething really, and he took hold of Naruto's face in his hands and drew him closer. "It's not. We are meant to be together. I know it and you know it. There has to be a way to make it work. Give me a chance to make things right."

Naruto covered Sasuke's hands on his face with him own and managed a quivering smile.

"No Sasuke. I know we were meant to be with each other, but this is the right thing to do. You need your family, more than you know. And maybe…." He took a deep breath. "Maybe when you've made your peace with them, and things have settled down, we can be together again. But it would break my heart to be the reason you lose your family."

"Please, Naruto, I'm begging you." Sasuke closed his eyes and tipped their heads together. "Please."

At his heartbroken, and softly spoken words, more tears flowed down his face, and he fought down his sobs.

"No Sasuke," he whispered. "You need to go now."

His hands were still warm on Naruto's face, his hair soft on Naruto's forehead, and he closed his eyes and they sat still for long moments, bathed in early morning sunlight as if they were frozen in time, and the rest of the world didn't exist.

And then in a flurry of movement and silence, Sasuke left the bed and gathered his clothes, dressing silently before leaving the room and closing the door softly behind him. Naruto listened to his footsteps fading away down the hallway and only when they had disappeared completely did Naruto throw himself down on his bed, bury his face in his pillow and cry.

Naruto spent the rest of the day in his room, not having the willpower to face the world. Genma checked in on him from time to time, but seemed to sense that he preferred to be left alone. Already he wanted to take the words he had spoken back but some rational part of his mind was telling him that it was the right decision for the both of them.

Despite what he had told Sasuke, he didn't hold out much hope for a future together, no matter what may happen. Sasuke had a brighter future ahead of him than anything that Naruto could dream of, and really, who was he to take that away from him? He had a chance to truly find himself out there, and do something he truly loved. He could find someone, and have a family. He could make something of himself.

And Naruto? He would continue on as he always had, working his ass off doing something he loved and learning to live with his decisions.

So the next day, he dragged himself out of bed and got to work earlier than anyone else. He kept his head down, and tried to avoid people as much as he could. His red, puffy eyes, pale face and lack of energy made him look truly pathetic, and he couldn't bear to deal with anyone's sympathy or pity.

Luckily for him, most of the stable hands had left the previous night to spend the holidays with their families, and the only people who weren't leaving were Kakashi, Genma, Raidou and himself. Kakashi was holed up in his office anyway, fretting over paperwork and expense accounts. Genma was working one of the more difficult horses in one of the indoor arenas, and Raidou was in the second stable building cleaning stalls. Naruto busied himself in the other building, starting at one end and slowly working his way up to the other, cleaning stables, grooming the horses and re-rugging them.

The horses were all staying indoors at the moment anyway, because of the constant snow. Grooming them meant he could warm his frigid hands on their shaggy winter coats, and the feel of their living and breathing bodies went a small way to providing him some confort.

He had thought he had known what emotional pain was before he had met Sasuke, but how wrong he had been. Naruto knew that apart from the pain he was experiencing, he had also hurt Sasuke and that was something he would never forgive himself for. The fact that Sasuke had been so willing to fight for them, to keep them together had touched his heart, but he had been the one of kill those hopes swiftly and painfully.

He hoped that one day Sasuke would forgive him.

Around lunch time, he let himself into Ani's stable, and smiled sadly when the young horse immediately nuzzled into his stomach affectionately. He ran his hands over the beautiful lines of Ani's face, and tangled his fingers in the silky mane.

"He's leaving tomorrow," Genma said, startling him.

Naruto jumped, then glanced over his shoulder to find his lanky friend leaning against the stable door and watching him solemnly. He nodded his acknowledgement of the statement.

He had, after all, expected something of the sort in the coming days, but he hadn't expected it so soon. He hadn't expected that Sasuke would be leaving on Christmas Eve.

"Is that why you were upset yesterday?" Genma asked, hesitantly.

"No," he replied, shocked at how tired and hoarse his voice sounded.

"He wanted to…I…." he paused, not surprised at how hard it was to find the proper words. "We broke up. Last night."

He exhaled shakily into the silence that followed his revelation, and ran his icy fingers over the delicate flare of Ani's nostrils.

"It's probably for the best anyway," he whispered.

"For him or for you?" Genma asked, sounding frustrated. "I know that not many people understood what you had between you, but I know how much you love him. Is this really the best choice, Naruto? I can't stand to see you hurting like this."

Naruto took his hands off Ani and turned around to study his friend.

"I think it is," he said heavily. "Sakura's talking about leaving, Kiba won't even look at me anymore. Kakashi knew what would happen if I got involved with Sasuke, but I did it anyway so he's frustrated with me too. Besides….Sasuke's engaged now. He has other things to worry about."

"I don't care about that stuff, Naruto. I'm talking about what's best for you. Is it what you want?"

Naruto crossed to his friend and hugged him over the stable door to hide the tears that were starting. Genma automatically hugged him back hard.

"Of course it's not what I want," he whispered into his friend's broad shoulder. "But what other choice do I have? We'd both be risking everything we have to stay together."

Genma rested his cheek against Naruto's hair and wrapped a big, warm hand around the nape of Naruto's neck.

"I-I have nowhere else to go," Naruto admitted, letting his tears soak into Genma's fleece jumper.

Christmas Eve morning was dull and threatening to snow. A massive horse truck had pulled up at 8am on the dot, and Naruto was forced to prepare Taira for transport, knowing he would miss the big horse, pain in the ass that he was. Sasuke's horse was excited, prancing in place and trying to play with Naruto, but his heart was lying somewhere in the vicinity of his worn boots and had no spirit to join the games. He petted the soft face one last time and made sure that his warm coat and travel leg wraps were secure and comfortable before untying him and leading him out to the snow covered stable yard.

Genma and Raidou were just finishing securing Ino and Neji's horses and Naruto almost stopped dead at the sight of Sasuke's car in the courtyard. The man himself came around the corner of the truck, and his dark eyes zeroed in on Naruto and Taira.

Naruto swallowed and averted his eyes, before quickly leading Taira aboard.

"Here, I'll take that," Raidou said quietly before nodding towards where Sasuke stood watching. "You go and say your goodbyes. "

Naruto turned and walked over to where Sasuke stood. They stared at each other for long moments. Naruto hated seeing the resignation in Sasuke, a defeat that he had put there in his lover. Sasuke's dark eyes bored into his for a moment longer, before Sasuke pulled him into a tight embrace and buried his face in Naruto's neck.

For a shocked moment, Naruto did nothing, but then he found himself gripping Sasuke fiercely and pushing his face into that broad chest. He inhaled that familiar spicy scent that was uniquely Sasuke.

Sasuke's mouth found his after awhile, and Naruto lost himself in the taste and feel of Sasuke, aware of the tears coursing down his face. The kiss was slow and searching and ended slowly. Pressed his forehead to Naruto's.

"I'm going to miss you," Sasuke whispered to him. "Maybe this is for the best but no matter what anyone else tells you, there is nothing wrong with what we had together."

Naruto nodded his head, trying to hold back his tears. "I love you," he whispered hoarsely. "I always will."

Sasuke pressed a chaste kiss to his mouth. "Take care of yourself, Uzamaki Naruto," he replied abruptly, before pulling away and walking to his car.

He didn't look back as he pulled out of the stable yard with the horse truck following close behind.

Naruto watched as the car drove away out of sight before quickly wiping the tears from his face and, avoiding the eyes of the others, retreated quickly to the private sanctuary of his room.

The party was in full swing, and Naruto was doing his wall flower routine again. Kakashi, Genma and Raidou threw this Christmas Eve party every year. All the remaining stable hands and house servants were invited, along with local people that they were friends with. All in all, there were about thirty people crammed into the living quarters and the small sitting area outside. The music was not loud enough to be obnoxious, but loud enough to be heard over the rowdy conversations all around. There was plenty of food and alcohol to go around, and the smells and the sounds of laughter were making Naruto's head spin.

Of course, that could have had something to do with the ten or so drinks he had been downing over the last two hours. Naruto didn't normally drink, but after the harrowing and painful day he had had, he had been willing to give it a go.

At first, the drink had burned down his throat making him cough, but that soon changed to a pleasant tingling, then a sweet numbness that made his head swim and his thoughts foggy.

He was watching people dizzily, carefully avoiding conversation, and the longing gaze that one of the local youths kept turning his way.

He wanted Sasuke to be here, to offer his shoulder to help with the dizziness that was consuming him. Naruto wasn't sure what he had been drinking, but he was beginning to think that he had had enough because the numbness was starting to turn to nausea, and everything was swaying ominously around him.

He jumped when Genma and Raidou appeared on either side of him, and he blinked at them in surprise.

"You're drunk, Naruto," Raidou stated quietly.

"C'mon, it's way past your bedtime, I think," Genma said cheerfully, as the men slipped arms under his own and hauled him to his feet. The room around him spun wildly and he blinked rapidly.

"Um…"

"Bathroom," Raidou and Genma said in union.

Things after that became a blur, but he remembered them taking him from the bathroom to his room, and helping him to find some pajama bottoms. They closed the door behind themselves, effectively blocking out most of the noise from the party.

Naruto sat on the edge of his bed and stared blindly at the wall opposite himself. The sense of disjointed loneliness that he had felt when his father had died had returned again to envelope his senses into a confining cocoon.

His chest was tight and his heart felt empty as he wondered where Sasuke was, and if he was okay. The quiet desolation he had witnessed in Sasuke's eyes was his fault, and he felt like dirt for causing the man he loved so much pain. He had hated himself more in the moment he had broken Sasuke's heart than he ever had before and he wasn't sure if he could live with that hate and the guilt for days, let alone months or years.

Eventually, his swimming senses forced him to lie down, but once he had the room danced and spun slowly, as if the world was slowly tipping him upside down so he could slip right off into oblivion. He didn't know how long he lay there praying for sleep to take him, but it never came.

The noise and music from the party eventually died off into quiet voices talking, and he knew it was very late. He was so tired, and his head was still spinning and aching from the alcohol, and the sense of depression than enveloped him the more tired he became made him feel desperate and helpless and in the end he clumsily reached out and turned on his beside light. In one of his beside draws he kept a bottle of leftover medication from when he had injured his back. He vaguely remembered how much they had made him sleep when he was hurt, and he was exhausted and desperate for some rest.

He shook out some pills onto his hand and fumbled around on his beside table for the glass of water he kept there. Naruto swallowed the pills and slumped back onto his bed to stare at the ceiling again.

He didn't know how long he lay there before his drowsiness overtook his senses, and he slipped into the sweet nothingness of sleep at last.

Genma's threw the last of the plastic cups into the garbage bin and straightened up. He was pleasantly tipsy from the evening of drinking, and feeling loose limbed and relaxed. He needed to check that Naruto was okay before he retired to his bed for the night. He told this to Kakashi, who was nursing a cup of coffee in the kitchen with Iruka as he left the room and slipped down the hallway.

Raidou had retired long ago, not really one for much socialising, and there was no sign of light beneath his door. There was under Naruto's however, and he wondered if the blond had needed the bathroom and merely forgotten to turn off his light before falling back asleep.

He had never seen his friend drink before, and seeing the blond quietly trying to drinking himself into unconsciousness earlier had caused his stomach to drop. Naruto was slipping back into his old self, withdrawn and lonely, slipping further and further away from them all with every hour that Sasuke was away, and it broke his heart to see him hurting like that.

Worried now, Genma knocked quietly, before opening the door. Naruto was sprawled out on his bed, fast asleep with the light on, and Genma felt a moment of relief seeing how relaxed his friend was. He slipped into the room to turn off the light, and that was when he saw the bottle of pills that was open and tipped over, right next to a glass of water.

Genma froze, his insides turning to stone as he stood there, trying to come to grips with what he was seeing.

"Kakashi!"

TBC (Definately to be continued!)