You stupid girl
You stupid girl
All you had you wasted
All you had you wasted
What drives you on
Can drive you mad
A million lies to sell yourself
Is all you ever had
Don't believe in love
Don't believe in hate
Don't believe in anything
That you can't waste
Bella
The thumping on the front door wouldn't quit so I finally dragged myself out of bed and looked out the window.
Alice.
She saw me at the curtain and gave me a look that said Get down here. I was not in the mood for this, my night had been a crazy hell of nightmares and waking into a cold reality. Edward was fucking gone. I had forced his hand. I had done the right thing. I had to hang on to that.
She pushed in past me as soon as I had unlocked the door. Her little pixie face was hard as she turned to me and said, "What's wrong with you?"
I was taken aback, "What? Nothing. What does that even mean?"
"I just don't get it, you. I don't get you." Alice was shaking her head while speaking, her mouth tight around the words, "A couple nights ago you were begging me to help you make things right with my brother, and I did that. Why did you bother Bella? Now he is fucking heart broken, driving back to San Diego alone, and I don't know what's going to happen to him after this Bella. How could you do this to him? You've played some games..."
My jaw dropped. I was incredulous, "What?" I could't speak with a boiling rage that started simmering in my belly, "I haven't played one game, not one with your brother Alice and to be honest I don't appreciate you... Coming here... To scold me..." then I promptly burst into tears.
Alice's little hand briefly touched my arm, "Bella what the fuck is going on?"
I shook my head, "Its all such a mess" I said, dragging my sleeve across my face, "Edward won't stay here... But I can't go to San Diego. Alice, my dad is fucked up over my mom and Jacob's in trouble and... Ugh its just a mess."
"Bella" Alice shook her head, "Honey, you gotta see that being with Edward is your future, God Bella I can see it. I can see it. Its you and him, its gotta be."
"It isn't" I felt weak, "I can't abandon everyone I love just to satisfy my own wants"
"What about your needs?" Alice asked, pulling me to sit on the couch, loosening her jacket and throwing her bag onto the floor "Forget what you want, which we know is Edward. What do you need?"
I flinched. Dropping my head into my hands I tried to think straight, I exhaled hard into my palms warming my face.
"I need to be a good person Alice" I admitted, "I need my self respect. I can't hurt people just to satisfy myself."
Alice stood up again and tightened her scarf around her neck, smoothing her jacket and hanging her bag on her shoulder again.
"Bella honey" She said, heading for the door. She turned, one hand on her hip and said, "Bella you are doing just that. You gotta see the forest for the trees Bella. You are hurting Edward just to satisfy yourself. He is the most important person in your life. You gotta see that or you'll be forever lost. You can't contradict yourself anymore. You are doing the opposite of what you say you are doing... I just hope you don't realise that too late."
Then she left.
She was wrong. I was not being selfish. I was being sacrificing. I was giving up my own happiness for the people who needed me. That was good. I was a good person. My mother had chosen the wrong path for herself, and was still causing pain and destruction as she went. She was hurting my dad and she was hurting me with her choices.
I picked up my phone and called Charlie.
"Hey Dad" I said when he answered, "Hows your day?"
"Hey Bells" He replied, "Yeah its okay, how are you?"
"I'm okay of course Dad" I said, "Listen what time will you be home? We could go for dinner-"
He coughed, "Yeah uh, don't you have friends to meet though honey? I mean you have your life to lead and I'm fine really. Made a bit of a fool of myself I think with the whole thing to do with your mom, but you can't worry honey. I'm fine. I think I'm gonna go for a few beers with Billy later so you go enjoy yourself, I'm sure Edward would like to hang out with you?"
"Edward is gone back to San Diego" I said flatly, feeling an emotion I wasn't familiar with creep up my spine. Was it fear? Was it horror?
"Really?" Charlie sounded chipper, "San Diego huh? Thats a pretty cool place I hear."
"Yeah..." I felt my mind start to spiral.
"You know you've a few weeks left in the summer..."
I hung up the phone. I'd text Charlie later and say I lost coverage or something.
I rang Jacob.
"Hi Jake" I said into the phone.
There was fumbling, and laughing and a whoop from someone in the distance.
"Sorry Bella? Hi sorry" Jacob sounded breathless, "Whats up?"
"What are you doing? Are you outside?"
"Uh, yeah I'm over at Quils" He said and I heard whooping and laughing again, "We're cutting down that big tree in his back yard, its getting a bit dicey here to be honest so I better go, are you okay?"
"Yeah of course" I said, the words felt like fucking puke in my mouth, "Want to do something later?"
"Yeah cool, sounds good." He said, "I could do with an old heart to heart with my girl you know?"
I felt huge relief, I hadn't been wrong. Jacob was putting up a front with the lads but he needed me. He really needed me and I was here. I wasn't off on the other side of the country enjoying myself while he was in pain.
I was not my mother.
***
I hung around the house for the day, had a bath, cleared out my closet. I was bored but I wouldn't, I could't let my mind stray for a minute to Edward. I would go insane if I let that happen. I could't think of him. I wouldn't think of his face, or his voice for one second.
Jacob called in at 6.
"How are you?" I said giving him a one armed hug as he came through the door, "Hows your head?"
He grinned, "I haven't been drinking Bella..."
"No I mean... You know how are you handling the whole thing with Leah..."
"Oh shit yeah, I meant to text you" He said flippantly as he shrugged his jacket off and threw himself on the couch, "She isn't pregnant, false alarm... Something about looking at her last year diary by mistake." He looked at me briefly before grabbing the remote control, "Now Bells back to you and this heart to heart, I hear Cullen did another escape act on you..."
I cannot tell you what happened to me then, it was like I became engulfed in a thousand versions of myself all laughing and pointing. Fool. Fool. Alice was right, the ball finally dropped. Me staying in Forks was nothing to do with anyone other than myself. I had hoped that Jacob would have really needed me but I now knew that was my selfish response to getting what I wanted, a way to make it okay in my own fucked up head. Charlie was fine, he was a grown up and getting fucked around by my mom was something that maybe he chose for himself. He didn't need me in his business, and he really didn't want my sympathy.
What had I done? What had I fucking done?
I had given up absolutely everything for my own stupid warped idea of what a good person was. Because I was afraid. I had hurt the one person that I wasn't supposed to hurt in order to try to protect myself from becoming what I was most afraid of. But I was not my mother.
I was not my mother. I was Bella Swan, and I was in love with Edward Cullen. I should be with him, in San Diego.
And now it was too late.
Lyrics from Garbage.