Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all.
Rated M for several reasons.
Chpt 33 She's Gone
JPOV
Hiding.
It won't last, Pete will find me any minute and at some point I'm gonna have to go home to Alice, she needs me right now.
I sigh and lean back into the tree, wriggling my shoulders as I slouch down into a more comfortable position.
Ah, sloth, an essential activity even for vampires.
Pulling my hat down over my eyes I let my chin come to rest on my chest and listen to the forest come back to life around me. Even the tiniest critters shut down or run when a vampire comes by but if you can sit still for long enough they'll eventually forget you're there.
Soon the birds are singing and the insects are scurrying, all to the background of the wind gently rustling the leaves in the trees.
"There you are ya lazy fucker." Pete's growls softly to let me know he's approaching. Sneaking up on me can have nasty consequences.
I sigh pointedly and slump down a little further.
"Hidin' from the wrath of your wife?" He enquires flopping down beside me and folding his hands over his chest.
I snort. As if.
"Why do you keep puttin' yourself through this J?"
I snarl at him in warning. Why does he keep trying to have this conversation with me? It always ends one of two ways. Either I spend the whole duration reciting confederate battle plans in my head and humming the theme tune from Mission Impossible or I lose my temper and beat the shit out of him.
"We have this conversation every time I visit an' I know you hear with your ears an' ignore me with your head but this time it's different an' we both know it. So help me god J, just fuckin' listen for once."
I snarl again, I am not feeling particularly musical.
"No." His voice is quiet but resolved. "You can beat up on me later but I love you an' you will hear me out first. This shit has got to stop J, you can't hide under Alice's couture skirts forever. This is not your life."
I sigh heavily. Apparently there will be no escape for either of us today.
When I first left Maria the relief was instantaneous, like when a dentist stops drilling on a raw nerve. For the first time in my entire life I was free, up until then someone had always had control over me, my father, my commanding officers, her. And to escape all that pain and fear, there aren't words to describe how wonderful it was.
Unfortunately it wasn't very long before I realised that the pain and fear had come with me. Of course it had, I caused most of it and it trailed behind me in a stinking miasma, contaminating everything it came in contact with. Including Pete and Char.
Oh I'd learned control in my newborn year. Not to go out in the sun, not that it mattered so much in those days, enough resistance to the call of blood to walk among humans when needs be, the ability not to rape every female who's scent caught my attention and the restraint not to start a deadly fight every five minutes. I learnt to survive. Hell, at one point I even thought I'd learned to love.
Evil bitch, killin' her is still one of the best things I've done in either of my lives. The other was turning Pete. As soon as I spotted the blind drunk marine passed out in an alley behind a bar I knew he'd make a good addition to our army, I had no idea I'd end up calling him brother. Of all the vampires I made, and there were hundreds, he's one of the only two who made it past their first year, The Major's Lieutenant.
Not that we were friends exactly, I respected his ability and loyalty but his stubbornness earned him quite a bit of pain by my hands. Over time the fucker made me work for it though, he was always a quick learner. And it was Pete, my perma shadow, who noticed how the misery and death were gradually tearing me down and subtly began trying to protect me from it where he could. I knew what he was doing of course but I can't say I was grateful, like the rest of my second life it just was, and if he wanted to do stuff for me without knowing it didn't work that was his problem. I've no solid idea when our relationship changed but it was about the time even I couldn't fail to notice that whatever Maria and I had it wasn't love and my original personality started reasserting itself.
Don't get me wrong, I didn't suddenly turn into a nice guy, I just stopped pretending that torturin', rapin' an' killin' people was fun, I didn't actually stop doin' it. Not if I thought it was necessary.
So nothing really changed until the day I finally noticed that Pete had a more than passin' interest in little Charlotte. The day I decided she'd outlived her usefulness and would make a fine addition to the bonfire. Sometimes the female yearlings would last a little longer if I found them sexually pleasing and managed to hide it from Maria, but I've never been into blondes.
He tried to kill me, we both know how that would have ended, but he was gonna try it anyway. I ripped his limbs off but didn't throw them in the fire, he was too good a solider to waste that way and I'd have found a way to control him. When I picked Charlotte up he screamed in anguish and so I threw her at him, tossing his limbs after and turning my back. When I looked around five minutes later they were gone.
My lover was not best pleased and I will carry the scars of her punishment forever, physically and mentally. That was the day I died.
I fed, I fought, I fucked and I went on with the only life I could remember. Dead Man Walking.
We'd just run a successful raid on our rivals in the south when I got separated from the rest of the army. A miracle in itself, my lover wouldn't normally let me out of her sight once she knew I was no longer oblivious to her true nature, but we were making a hasty escape and sometimes shit happens. It never even occurred to me to run, where would I go, I hadn't the heart to start my own coven and there was no other way of life. Our rivals caught me a few miles south of the border. I'm no romantic fool and it didn't cross my mind to atone for my sins by letting them kill me, I fought like the vicious motherfucker I am, but there were too many of them and they were about to overpower me when Pete and Char came to my rescue.
How they regretted it afterwards, in many ways I was worse than a newborn. Devious, deadly, strong and fast, totally attuned to taking what I wanted whenever I wanted it. Never having had to share, control my gift or consider anyone but myself.
The wounds I inflicted on them, mental and physical were appalling. They never gave up on me, they still haven't, but I could feel their misery, it fed mine, which rebounded back in a vicious cycle. It was months before I realised that Char could actually laugh, she has a beautiful laugh.
Eventually things got better, my fuck ups became less common and the number of assholes bearin' grudges who came looking for The Major diminished. I no longer felt that every snapped twig heralded an attempt on my life or that every situation I didn't like had to be solved with brutal violence.
What I did feel was a nameless oppressive weight bearing down on me, threatenin' to crush me into dust. Every negative emotion around me was irresistibly drawn to my own, adding to the massive millstone round my neck. And despite my life being immeasurably better I could snap back to the soulless monster I was with no warning and no provocation.
In short I was a fuckin' mess. A dangerous, indestructible mess.
And then I walked into a diner one day and met Alice.
Pete hated her on sight, saying that two people with issues is a one way ticket to disaster but her vision fascinated me. My wife and I, living in peace with a loving family of vegetarians. I have never been able to find the words to describe how depressin' it is to feel the terror of your dinner, I wouldn't wish that curse on my worst enemy and so I've never had the heart to tell the Cullens that their meals have emotions too.
She offered me peace, salvation and love. She offered me a way to relieve the suffering of my brother and sister. Did I love her? No, never. Was I almost instantly slavishly devoted to her? Yes, because she offered me the other thing that was missing in my life, someone to tell me what to do so that I wouldn't have to decide what the right thing was by myself, something I could no longer tell. Someone who could see me lose it before it happened, it seemed too good to be true.
And of course it was.
Alice's start to this life was as bad as mine in its own way. She woke up alone. But with a vision, a vision of the family she would belong to and of meeting the man who would be by her side there.
She doesn't love me either but she does love that vision, the one that kept her going in her darkest hour and she considers policing my baser instincts a small price to pay for being able to live it out.
We're a very healthy pair, Alice does not let her dreams die easily and I have nowhere else to go.
Which is where Pete's lecture comes in.
He thinks that I lead half a life and subdue the greater part of who I am so I can remain secure and untested, saying that I stopped needing my jailer, Alice, decades ago. He insists that I do have a place to go, with him and Char, a place where I fit and can be who I was meant to. What we disagree on is who the real me is. Torturer, murderer and rapist or brother and friend.
The truth is I'm afraid, I know he's right and I don't belong here but I don't want to go back to who I was before. I can't.
"J we've been through this a hundred times . . . ."
"Four hundred twenty seven."
"Yeah, whatever. That vampire is gone. When was the last time old Nosey had a vision of you fuckin' up? For that matter when was the last time she had a vision?"
"I tried to eat the Ed Head's girlfriend, remember?"
"For fuck's sake." He growls quietly. "She was bleedin', all the veggies were smellin' the bacon, there musta been enough bloodlust there to make anyone lose it, never mind you, ya sponge. You've never ever been tempted since."
I lift my hat an' waggle my eyebrows suggestively in an attempt to distract him.
"Alright then smart ass, let's start there shall we?"
"She's just my type Pete, you know that. An' I knew she'd be an amazin' lay, she was always too passionate for that little prick, and it would have been a tragic waste to let him get there first."
I shiver at the memory of her warm supple body beneath me, wrapped around mine, writhing against me. The way she responded to my every touch, the agonising of pleasure of the way I responded to hers. I've never . . . .
"Really, such a good fuck that you were prepared to risk exposin' your continued existence to The Volturi just to make sure you got there first?"
A low growl escapes me.
"J, we've worked real hard to kill The Major off, so that everyone would assume he died with the wars and so you could learn to control him. And you outed yourself to those Italian scum so that she wouldn't be killed. What does that mean bro?"
"She's part of our family, we always protect our family."
He laughs. "Battlefield commanders have to take the hard decisions J, the best way to protect the rest of the family would have been to drain her on the spot, you taught me that."
Unthinkingly I start bangin' my head back against the trunk of the tree. I don't want to, I can't . . . .
Unfortunately Pete's not done.
"You risked your life and everyone else's to protect her. You haven't been able to stay away from her even though you know you're pushin' Alice to the point where she might actually call time on your marriage. The one you've been hangin' onto so hard all these years even though we all know it's doomed to failure.
Every time anyone mentions the possibility of her meetin' a nice human boy at college your ass cheeks clench and every time she smiles at little Eddie he's a step closer to bein' the main attraction next fourth of July.
So what's the deal here J?"
Pressure is building in my chest but I can't speak so I just shake my head.
"You have feelings for her."
Still shaking my head.
"You love her."
"No." I whisper.
"You have feelings for her J, at least admit it."
"No!" It's almost a shout an' I bolt upright glaring at him.
He regards me with pity an' sorrow, I can feel it rollin' off him in waves.
"You couldn't bear the thought of anybody else touchin' her, you still can't. But at the same time you've done your best to ensure she'll never love you back. I hope for your sake you managed to fuck that up like everythin' else in your relationships."
"I don't love her."
"Yeah you do J. You're just too chicken to admit it."
Pete's right.
I went after her even though it was puttin' at risk all the things I've been clingin' to for my own self preservation.
I exposed myself to The Volturi because it was the only way I could see to save her life.
I held back in the cabin because I knew she would regret it later if I didn't. She wasn't ready.
I was desperate to be the one to take her virginity. Not because it was a prize but because I couldn't bear the thought that someone else might not be gentle enough, wouldn't be able to make it as special as she deserved, wouldn't truly make love to her the way I could.
And I was as cold as I could bear to be about it because I didn't want her to develop feelings for me. Not to protect me, to protect her. The Ed Head has romantic notions about bein' a monster. I am one.
I've only ever told one woman that I loved her and she didn't hear me.