Rey

Ren insisted on taking care of her himself. When Leia suggested that she help Rey take a sanisteam, he objected in favor of doing it himself. When she needed anything, he wanted to get it for her. When she had visitors, he stood in the corner and stared at them darkly.

When they slept, he held her close in his arms. He touched her gently, as if she was delicate, and didn't protest against anything Rey wanted. His eyes were somehow lighter when he held his daughter and fussed over her in his silent way; and his lips often murmured into Leila's ear when she was cradled on his shoulder. Han noted that the baby rarely fell asleep somewhere else than someone's arms. Rey loved to see everyone dote on her daughter, who was surely the most precious, perfect thing in the galaxy.

But Ren brooded, and stared at Rey for long periods of time, which meant he was upset and in pain. His steady gaze was the only sign of his need, and she knew that the part of him that was still young and good cried out to her.

But he wouldn't talk about it. She sensed his pain, but his only preoccupation was taking care of her. She scolded him on his sharp words to his mother and others who tried to help her, but he didn't seem to care at all for what they thought or felt.

"Why are you so stubborn?" Rey asked him as he washed her hair for her in the sanisteam.

"Because we don't need their help."

She rolled her eyes and brushed his hands away so she could rinse her hair herself. "I want them around. I want Leila to have a real family."

"She has one," Ren growled. "She has us."

Rey turned to face him, both of them dripping wet and tense. "You know you won't be with us all the time."

A strange look passed over Ren's face, and something desperate settled there. "Then come with me."

"No!" Rey snapped. "I don't want her to ever be on board a First Order ship."

"Not there. Somewhere else." Ren sighed and grabbed her head, gently pushing their foreheads together. Looking into her eyes, he said, "I will protect you, and her. Don't do anything stupid, and you won't be bothered by the First Order."

She gazed into his eyes, but her lips twisted. "Define stupid."

"As in staying here, on a resistance base, where the First Order will attack."

She twisted away from him. "And be tucked away in a little corner of the universe where no one can find us."

"Exactly." He sounded proud, like he could see everything fall into place.

"Yes, let me abandon my morals and our family so you can carry on trying to take over the world."

"Goddamn it Rey!" He swung her around to face her. "We have a child. You can't risk yourself being killed or captured. Just listen to me!"

She grabbed his hand and placed it over her heart, which beat fast under his palm, from his touch and their argument.

"I love you. But you know what you can do to keep us safe. To keep everyone in the galaxy safe. Abandon the First Order. Work with us, no one has more knowledge than you. Stay with us, with your family who loves you. Ren, please."

His face contorted and Rey felt his emotions spike, the conflict like a strong wind blowing in two directions, creating a storm within him. A roar ripped out of him and he tore his hand away from her to land it on the sanisteam wall. It cracked and dented, small piece of tile and metal falling. Rey jumped away from it instinctively, right into Ren, who caught her into his arms. She found herself pressed against his slick chest, his breathing erratic.

"Don't ask me that," he told her, chest heaving and head dipped down so his lips were close to her ear. "Don't ever ask me that. You have no idea what hell would be unleashed if that came even close to happening. It's already a risk to be here."

Rey felt her throat constrict and she buried her face into his shoulder, his wet hair tickling her skin. "It's how it should be," she said, tears stinging her eyes. His arms tightened around her and he held her close as she started to sob in his embrace.

"I'm sorry," he said simply, voice tense and dark. He let her cry it out, the tears mixing with the warm water from the sanisteam. When she was finished, they finished the sanisteam in silence, and didn't speak again until he handed her Leila to nurse.

"When I'm away, I'll remember you two just like this," he said all of a sudden. She looked up at him at his intense gaze moving from her to their daughter. As if a chill passed over her, Rey's fingers protectively curled delicately around Leila's downy head.

"Why would you say that?" She asked, trying not to let her emotions edge into her voice and scare the baby.

He just stared at her, which he was always want to do, but it just irritated her.

"Stop acting like…like you'll never see us again."

His lips pressed together, and she realized that he was keeping a secret. Of course, it had been all over him since the beginning. She had been too preoccupied to notice.

"Ren," she said sharply. "Tell me you're not leaving us like that."

He looked startled, and Leila began to fuss as if sensing the tension.

"I promise, Rey. I wouldn't do that." He came close and she glared up at him, her hands making soothing motions on their daughter.

"Then why are you acting like this?"

He shifted and turned his head to stare out the window. "I don't like the uncertainty."

She bit her lip and looked down at Leila, whose sweet mouth had begun to relax, and her unfocused eyes drifting closed. Standing, Ren looked down at her as she held the baby close and looked him straight in the face.

"I don't like it either. But this is the path we're both walking."

Something flashed in his eyes and he drew even closer, his arm sliding up to rest on the top of her arm.

"Do you think you'd be able to love me even if I did something even more horrible than before? Do you think you'd be able to stomach being with me still?"

Her eyes widened as she felt the high peak of his emotion. He was truly scaring her.

"What are you going to do, Ren?" She asked, voice calm despite her fear.

His face darkened, but smoothed out. "Nothing. It was hypothetical."

This did not calm her. "Are you lying?"

He turned his eyes back to her. "You didn't answer."

She licked her lips. "I'll always love you, even if I didn't want to. Even when I've hated you, I've loved you."

Something relaxed in him, and he breathed easy. He went to kiss her, but she moved away before his lips touched her skin.

"Tell me you aren't going to do anything."

His face clouded. "I'm trying not to. I don't…"

Suddenly Rey truly did feel a chill, she clutched the baby to her as it the room seemed paler, bleached almost. Ren bent over slightly, his hand on his chest like it was hurting him.

"Ren!" She put a hand on him trying to see into his face, her hazel eyes scanning him wildly. "What—"

She felt his darkness, but it was different. She tasted metal, her skin crawled with invisible, cold, steel pinpricks.

She sought out his hand with her one free one and gripped it tightly. "Listen to me. Don't leave. Concentrate hard. Fight this!"

It had to be Snoke. Or the dark side. Was that coming from Ren?

There was no response, but suddenly Laila began to wail. Rey desperately tried to calm her, but to no avail. A sudden feeling of panic crossed Rey's mind as she realized that Leila's reaction could be evidence to how force sensitive she was.

Suddenly, it all began to fade. Leila's cries were still just as loud, but Rey no longer felt the phantom pain or chill, and the sound of Ren's rasped breathing and the pressure of his hand holding hers came to her senses.

"Give her to me," his voice said from his stooped figure. After a moment, she handed him the squirming bundle.

He took the baby carefully and straightened up, his eyes only on his daughter.

"Calm, darling," he whispered to the baby. "I'm sorry, let me make it better."

He stroked the baby's cheek, and Rey watched, enraptured, as Leila slowly calmed, her pink face no longer scrunched. Her kitten cry eased away, and after a few minutes she was asleep again.

"Ren," Rey said, "What-?"

"Shh," he hushed her. "Let me put her down." He carried the baby to the bassinet and placed her in it, fussing a little, which Rey had rarely seen. There was no sound but small huffs of breath that were the soundtrack to Rey's life now.

Ren finally met her eyes with his, dark circles suddenly standing out in his pale face. He held out an arm, and Rey went to him and slipped her arms around him. They held each other tightly until something in Rey loosened.

"What happened?" She finally asked. His hands, stroking her back, stilled.

"It happens sometimes, but have only been so strong lately," he admitted.

She pulled back a little to frown at his casuality. "What is it? How long? Why?"

He shrugged. "A while. I don't know."

Her fingers tightened. "It is the dark side, Ren. It hurt you."

A bitter chuckle escaped him. "Perhaps it is the light that plagues me so. The dark has only ever given me power."

Her eyes, narrowed, sharpened her gaze. "You lie to yourself! Why are you so stupid?"

"Am I? Am I stupid in being here as well? They have worsened since I have come."

That stung, and she had an angry surge fill her. "Leave then. Clearly Snoke holds your future and your wellbeing in his hand," she bit back. "I wouldn't be surprised if he was doing it."

Ren stepped back, his entire expression closed. "Even if he was, it would be my fault."

"You're deranged," Rey snapped. "He wants to control you because you're strong and talented."

"He is the only one who can help me!" Ren shouted back.

"I can't talk to you when you're like this," Rey said, turning away. "I hate it when you talk about this. Him."

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw how Ren was shaking.

"Don't say anything more," he warned in his cruel, icy voice. "You have no idea what you're dealing with."

She laughed a little at the ridiculousness. "What? A monster? Ren. I know what you've done."

He turned his head so his dark, gleaming eye stared her down.

"You do," he said terribly. "But you don't know what I could do."

She sucked in a breath. He was Kylo once again. Her fear returned, and she felt a strange sense of foreboding. She thrust herself against his mind, but only caught a glimpse of black and blood red before she was thrust back again.

"Watch me, Rey," Ren said. "Watch me show you which side is the right one. Let me help you understand."

Ren

His head was full of darkness, and his greedy heart swelled with raw emotion. Rey, Rey, Rey. He wanted her to understand, to love him, see him as his grandfather was revered. He heard the whispers once more, the surge of cold that hurt so badly but then made him blissfully numb. Sometimes he wanted nothing more than to just stop feeling.

"Stop it," Rey said, her voice surprisingly angry. "You are nothing like this."

"Nothing?" He asked, voice incredulous. "This is me. I am everything like this. You knew this is who I am."

"You bastard," she snarled. "Don't lie to me." Her teeth were bare, her eyes full of hate.

"I'm not lying," Ren growled. She never understood. No one did.

"Yes, you are."

Rey stepped closer, almost toe to toe. "You are the man who loved riding on Chewie's back. Who loved his Mooka and hurt to watch children suffer. Who watched over me when I was hurt. You're the man who was gentle and patient when I was scared, and the one who made our daughter with me. You love me, and I love you. You would do anything to protect our daughter. You aren't full of hate and anger. You have something else in there too."

Her words tore at his mind, made him scream internally. Made him angry and sorrowed. He wanted to weep, he wanted to kiss her, but he also wanted to destroy, to show her that he was not so weak as she thought. He wasn't a child, he wasn't a soft little boy who loved and hurt like any other. He had power, he was his grandfather's legacy.

But he was also hers.

And it made him so, so weak.

"No!" He tried not to shout, tried to control himself as to not wake his precious, precious daughter, but he could barely restrain himself from striking out. Instead, he ran. He turned on his heel and went through the door, freezing every guard who tried to stop him until he no longer felt Rey or anyone behind him. Outside, into the swamp. Where there wasn't any voices and he couldn't feel anyone else's emotions. He kneeled in the dirt and clutched his head, biting his lip to stop himself from moaning in pain. He tried to block out the pain, but like waves, he was forced to stand and do nothing but try and brace himself for them until it was over and he was nothing but an empty void.

Ren struggled to sit up and ended up resting his head on his knees. What could he say to Rey? What could he do to make this all stop, to put the world back into balance? She threw it off its axis again and again, and fooled him into thinking that being upside down was right. The darkness in him settled a bit, made him empty. He was breathing much easier when annoyingly, he felt his damn mother approach.

"You're lucky, you know."

Ren turned at the familiar voice of his mother, his eyes already narrowed. She sensed the conflict within him and wondered why. She was worried, he could feel it. But even she could not suspect what lay under his skin, in his mind.

"Am I?" He asked darkly, the perfect numbness slipping away so that his body was burning with anger already.

Leia, always regal, always strong, lifted her chin so her dark eyes—the ones he got from her—met his directly. From the top of her braided hair to the soles of her boots, she was always his mother. He could hate her, could leave her and ignore her, but he couldn't resist that initial recognition. It was almost primal. Ren could almost cut himself completely from Han Solo, never labeled him as his father. But with Leia, it could never be fully suppressed. And it irritated the hell out of him.

"You know," she began, crossing her arms across her simple vest and taking a step forward. "Not everyone would stick with someone who's not ready to be loved."

He blinked, trying to interpret. All his mind flashed to was his parents fighting, always fighting. His father, leaving. Was she talking about herself? No, Leia was just as stubborn as Han, and had scooped Ren up and taken off many a time during his childhood as well. Begrudgingly, Ren thought there were hardly anyone more alike than them. But that only made them more equal in his distaste for them.

"Rey won't stop loving you," Leia continued, perhaps because his confusion snuck onto his face.

Ah, so it was Rey she was speaking of. And of him, the unlovable. Or as she put, one "not ready to be loved." Yes, Rey was one in a million. A million that Ren hated. But she never told him she'd wait, never promised him she would be faithful. It was something unsaid and unwritten that they would be, but Rey wouldn't tie herself to him. Wouldn't bound herself because of his darkness, of his anger and inadequacy. Their child, their beautiful, beautiful child was the only real thing that signified their bond, however tremulous it was.

"I never asked her to wait for me. It would be pointless, for she would wait for eternity," he shot back, trying to turn away from his mother and suppress the conflict inside him.

"You wouldn't have to. She loves you. That is all she needs to keep hope."

Damn his mother, damn her. He wanted to scream at her, curse her for her lies, but even his dark mind knew it was true. He swallowed, his feet unmovable. For the first time in a long time, he truly wanted to cry.

"It's almost cruel, Ben. It's hard to watch her hope, day after day that you will change. She knows she can't change you; only you can do that. Yet she won't turn her back on you, won't try and forget. It pains her, I know it. But even you couldn't release her from this. The only thing that could-"

"I know," he interrupted, not wanting to hear it. He couldn't bear it. He knew his precious girl felt this way, he knew, deep down, that she wouldn't sway. Damn Jakku for making her patient in this way, that she'd keep her hope close to sustain her.

"She's waited for so long for a family," Leia said quietly. "Why would you, if you could, make her wait any longer?"

He turned to her quickly, enraged and ready to release it, but the look on his mother's face killed him. Soft, pitying, and full of love and yearning. For him. For her son.

He inhaled deeply, shocked again by the incredible pain he felt, how he ached to simply fall at her feet, and Rey's, and sob. What did he want? Why did he feel this way? People, women especially like his mother and Rey, just snuck up without warning, the warmth of their light coming off them in waves. Even if he didn't give in, crawling back to the darkness was like injecting ice cold mercury into his veins.

So he ran again, deeper into the swamp again in hopes of finding that numb peace again. He could not deal with this pain, with his body being shredded into pieces like this. If he kept on like this, he would be torn into nothing.

Rey

"Leia?" Rey asked as she glanced up from Leila's sweet face, still beaming as she always did. But it faded when she saw the expression on her face.

"What is it?"

Leia came and carefully sat down next to Rey's bed. "I spoke to Ben."

Rey's face dropped as she searched Leia's eyes. "He's in pain," she replied. Leia nodded.

Rey held her baby a little closer out of instinct. "What's wrong?"

The older woman shook her head. "He didn't say. All I know is that he's unstable."

Rey nodded. "I know. I felt it too," she replied softly. She glanced down at Leila's puckered, pink face and worried. She swallowed and said, "Ren needs to figure things out. There's nothing…there's nothing we can do."

Leia nodded. "We both have tried."

Both of them stared down at the baby, lost in thought.

"I won't let him put you two in danger," Leia finally said firmly. Rey's face snapped up.

"I can protect Leila and I, and Ren…I don't think…" She looked away. She couldn't say it truthfully. Ren was unstable, unpredictable.

"If there's any chance at all, then he can't be here," Leia said, her voice a little thick. Rey looked down and closed her eyes, trying not to cry.

"You're going to make him leave?"

The older woman sighed. "I have to. For us, and for the resistance as well. It's too risky. Whatever he holds inside, it eats away at his sanity."

Away. Away from her, and away from their child. She didn't expect him to be able to stay. It was unreasonable to expect him to turn to the light. But…she had hoped. With Leila, and being back with his family, maybe then…

Something lurked inside him, surely Snoke was manipulating him. But Rey had Leila now, and she couldn't fight him now. When would he stop fighting with himself and realize the life he could have?

Grandmother, mother, and daughter. Together, three different generations of women. Rey felt strange, like she was in the middle of something strong but fragile. They were all tied together with invisible strings.

Ren

When he had enough control over himself, he intended to return to Rey's room, but was quickly apprehended by a few soldiers when he tried to return to base. They were obviously uneasy, but aside from a few comments he let them escort them to Leia. Luckily, they met the pilot before they reached his mother.

"Hey, where are you taking him?" Poe asked irately,

The main guard shifted and nodded at the pilot. "He left the permitted areas without escort or permission."

Poe ran a hand through his hair. "Look, the General knew it. He just needed some, uh, some air. I'll escort him back."

"It's protocol-"

"I know, I know," the pilot placed his hand on the soldier's shoulder. "I got this, I mean it. I can take any heat for this if there's trouble."

Ren eyed the man suspiciously, smirking ever so slightly as he basked in the overall nervousness of the group. What were this man's motives? He may have excellent piloting skills, but he was no match for Ren. He was a friend of Rey's, but that was no reason for this.

The soldiers conceded and Poe gestured him over with a move of his head. After a moment, Ren walked over to him and then past him, back to his original destination.

"Hey, wait!"

Ren didn't stop, but Poe caught up to him without too much difficulty. Then he only matched the other man's strides.

"You're going to Rey's?"

"No, I'd just like to explore more and take advantage of this valuable opportunity," Ren replied dryly. He thought this would surely go right past the pilot, but after a moment he barked out a laugh.

"Right. I would have gone for that when you broke out, not going back though."

"Lucky for me, I'm not a swaggering, self-righteous half rate pilot who crawled out from the vines of Yavin," Ren replied. He didn't like how Rey's friends got under his skin. They were threats. This Poe was the exact kind of man Rey had surely imagined herself with. Quick, undaunted, moral, never losing his cool.

Poe laughed.

Startled, Ren looked up from beneath the dark fringe of his hair.

"You aren't very friendly, huh?"

Ren bristled. Who did this man think he was? Ren had tortured him, ripped information from his mind. Now he was laughing at him. Did he have a death wish?

Ren didn't know how else to respond but to walk faster, trying to lose the man.

"Hey!" Poe caught up and even surpassed him, blocking his way and forcing him to pause.

"I'm not afraid of you, you know," he said seriously. Ren was incredulous. What?

"Rey gets all moony whenever she thinks about you. Serious, but happy. Unless she's worried about you."

Ren was lost for a moment, imagining this. Warmth bloomed in his chest as he thought of this man realizing she was thinking of Ren. Happy about him. She was his.

"Anyways, anyone she loves can't be all bad."

Ren still disliked this casual conversation. "Back off, pilot. I can easily do what I did before." He pushed past the man.

"I don't think so!" Poe called to his retreating back.

Ren hated that man. He wondered if he was right. All he could think about was how upset Rey would be. How disappointed his mother woul—

NO.

He clenched his fists and stalked back to the medical bay. He would not fall into this trap again. He would not let himself be weak. He would not…

He found Rey nursing their daughter, the creamy swell of her breast disappearing beneath the dark down of Leila's head. She had a very tender, loving expression as she looked down at the little bundle. And it dissolved all the emotions Ren had been feeling.

He sighed and she looked up, her expression hardening. But he drew near like a sad shadow and she looked up at him.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I don't want to argue."

"I know," she replied. Ren kissed the head of his child, careful not to interrupt her nursing, then up to Rey's lips.

"I love you," she murmured against his lips. He felt her longing and her hope—just as Leia had said.

He did not answer, just brushed his knuckles against her cheek. This was why he had to leave. This was why he had to do what he needed to do. He had never felt this love, this fierce need to protect. There was nothing stronger in the universe.

A/N

Big chapter for the Star Wars Celebration going on! (and Easter). But this next chapter is what we've been leading up to this entire fic, so ready yourself. There's a storm coming-I only pray y'all won't hate me. I'll be posting a preview of this upcoming chapter this week on my tumblr, Alicecantescape. Follow if you want to see that preview! It won't give too much away though :) Thanks for the continued support!