Chapter Thirty Four: Anxiety

A day of worry is

more exhausting

than a week of

work.

~John Lubbock

I now know why people with paranoia and anxiety kill themselves when it becomes too much. My stomach was in knots over what could happen, the things that I couldn't control. I feared that someone would get hurt or killed, I feared that plans or decisions would change and we would be caught off guard. Not even Sam was able calm me down as the day I feared crept closer with every passing minute. I was making myself sick with my worry. I had already hurled three times this morning and that was the only thing that kept me from my pacing.

I knew it wasn't helping with the pack's or Sam's stress levels, but I couldn't stop myself. I had to do something, I couldn't sit and stare at the TV like Kim was doing as she clung to Jared like a life vest, or play footsie under the table to distract myself like Paul and Emily, or even play barbie tea party and be oblivious like Claire and Quil as they sat together on the living room floor. I paced the length of the kitchen as Sam walked from the doorway. I knew he hated when I got like this, but I needed to move, I couldn't hold still, I felt like I was going insane.

"That's it." Sam said and grabbed a hold of me and lifted me onto the center island.

"Talk, scream, cry, punch me. Do something. I can't watch you pace anymore and I won't be able to leave and have a clear head if I know you are here slowing driving yourself insane." Sam said harshly as he gave me a slight shake.

"I can't. I don't know what to do. I can't just sit and do nothing while I know what's going on outside of this house. I need to do something and the only thing I can think to do is pace." I said desperately as I looked into Sam's eyes. Sam sighed and pulled me to him in a tight hug as he tried to comfort me.

"We need to think of something." He pulled me away and looked at my face.

"What's something that you need to focus when you do? Something that won't let you think while you do it?" I thought hard about it. It was difficult with my brain going a thousand miles an hour and running on little sleep. Then I realized what room I was in.

"I can cook." I said and Sam took a deep breath and gave me a small smile.

"Yes, you can cook. What will you make?" He asked and I hopped off the counter and looked in the refrigerator and cabinets.

"I have the ingredients for baked fish and I can make french fries. We can have cheesecake, too." I said and looked over at Sam.

"Sounds fine by me." He leaned back into the counter and crossed his arms over his chest. I started pulling the ingredients out and got to work with dressing the fish and getting it ready to cook. When I put the knife down Sam pulled me away and kissed me hard on the lips.

"I love you. I'll be back as soon as possible." Sam kissed me again and I could feel the tears in my eyes. I tried to give Sam a smile and he kissed my head before joining the rest of the pack as they walked into the trees. I took a deep breath and turned back to what I was doing. The fish was ready, so I set it in a bag to marinate and moved on to making the french fries. I could hear the others in the living room and it wasn't long before Claire was sitting at the counter with a coloring book and Kim and Emily set about helping me cook. The pack would be hungry when they got back and we would need enough food to feed them all.

The pack had trained for these physically stronger newborns with the Cullens for a couple nights now. They had been taught how to fight and defend themselves. I had to hope that it was enough to bring them all back alive at the very least. I didn't know what I would do if something happened to any of the people that had become the family that I had always wanted while I grew up alone with dad. Kim and Emily had become the sisters I never had, Jared, Paul, Embry, Jake, Quil, and Seth had become my brothers. Leah became a cousin that I didn't fully get along with, but still cared about, Brady and Collin had become like little cousins that you had to protect and care for and Claire had become the niece that we all adored.

I prayed that the information of what to do stayed fresh in their minds and they didn't become distracted by anything. I hoped the newborns weren't as strong and driven as the Cullens had portrayed them to be and that everything would be over quickly. I wanted my family here, in my house, where I knew they were safe and that I could see that for myself, with my own eyes. I needed Sam to be safe above them all. My life with connected with his. Without him, I would literally become nothing more than a shell. I now depend on him, I relied on him more than I realized I had allowed. I couldn't lose him after all that we had done to get to where we are. I looked down at the ring on my finger. I would marry him and live the rest of my life with him, there was no other option for me other than Sam.

We all worked quietly in the kitchen till Emily turned the radio on and had it playing softly in the background. We all jumped when the door banged open and Brady ran through.

"What's wrong?" Kim, Emily and I asked as we saw the pained look on Brady's face.

"Jacob's hurt. They're taking him to Billy's, Collin's on his way there." Brady said and our fears were realized with those words. I felt my heart clench and my breath got catch in my throat. I grabbed my keys and Emily picked up a protesting Claire. I don't recall how I got to Billy's with all the thoughts that were going through my head. Before I knew it I was turning into Billy's driveway and saw Sam, Jared, Paul, and Embry carrying a groaning Jacob toward the house. I covered my mouth with my hand as the tears came to my eyes. Billy sat in his wheelchair on the porch while Collin held the door open for the guys as they carried Jacob inside the house. I moved to Billy's side, hoping to comfort him somehow, he grabbed a hold of my hand as he stared at the house with a heartbreaking expression.

"What happened?" Billy whispered hoarsely as Paul came out the door joining the rest of us outside to wait. Paul looked at the floor before looking at Billy with a sigh.

"The fighting was over and we were getting all the bodies into the fire. We didn't know that one was hiding. Leah caught him, but the leech got a hold of her. Jake jumped in to save Leah and the parasite got it's arms around him." Paul said and a tear ran down Billy's face as he looked back at the door where you could hear Jake moaning in pain.

"The leech doctor will be coming soon to help him." Paul said and Billy nodded. Paul looked at me as I stood behind Billy's chair, his hand grasping mine before walking over to Emily. He gave her a sweet kiss and wrapped his arms around her. Everyone stood in the yard while Sam and Embry stayed inside with Jacob. I hated to say it, but we were all relieved when Dr. Cullen and Edward pulled up and went inside to help Jacob, that was till we heard the screams. Embry came rushing out and threw up in the bushes.

"What are they doing to him?" Kim demanded as she tucked herself tighter into Jared's side as we all toward the house terrified.

"Doc's rebreaking his bones. He started healing too quickly, the bones won't heal properly unless the doc resets them correctly." Embry said, but he still looked pale as another scream ripped through the air and sent a shiver through all of us. The screaming continued and almost drowned the roar of Bella's truck coming up the road. I had never taken so much satisfaction from seeing the look of horror on someone's face as I did when Bella climbed out of her truck and Jake's scream pierced the air. She was the cause of this. She was the reason that poor Jacob was in there having his bones rebroken, the reason he was inside screaming agony.

The screaming finally stopped twenty minutes after Bella had arrived. It had taken two hours to reset all the bones that had been broken. Sam came out first followed by Edward and the doc. Sam looked pale and shaken as he came toward me, a look of pain and relief on his face. He pulled me close and held me tight. Billy stuck his hand out to Dr. Cullen.

"Thank you." Billy whispered hoarsely and the doctor seemed shocked, but nodded taking Billy's hand.

"I gave him some morphine, but his body temperature will burn it off quickly, I'll come back later to set up a drip." Billy nodded and the Cullens walked down to the yard to their Mercedes . Edward looked at Bella and motioned toward the other side of the yard. She rushed off to talk to him and after talking breifly Edward kissed her forehead and she rushed into the house.

"He's been asking for her." Sam said and I nodded with a sigh as I reached for Sam's hand. I held his hand and pulled a little to lead him away from everyone. I turned around, letting my eyes rake over him, looking for anything to tell me he was the least bit hurt.

"Are you okay?" I looked up into his eyes pleadingly.

"I'm okay, Sunny. I only got a scratch on my back, other than that, they didn't touch me." Sam whispered as he stared me in the eyes.

"Let me see." I took a step back so he could turn. I wanted to see he was alright with my own eyes. He gave me a small smile and turned. There was a fading red line going down the left side of his spine over his ribcage. The scratch looked as if it was a week old instead of maybe an hour, the only give away being the dried blood that clung to his skin.

"Okay." I said and clung to him as I finally let the tears of relief fall down my face. Sam held me tight and kissed my forehead. As we stood off to the side I could see the others huddled together with Billy. Before long Bella came out of the house, tears streaming down her face as she ran to her truck and drove away.

"I can't believe she showed up here when she knows as well as everyone that she's the cause of this." I muttered as I glared after the loud, orange tank as it drove away. Sam sighed and pulled me closer to him.

"Bitterness doesn't look right on you, Sunny." He said as he looked down at me.

"Well it might not look right, but we're all thinking it. This all could have been avoided." I sad strongly.

"All the people that have been forced to die because of her decisions and those who will still have to suffer because of them. How do you not be a little bitter about this?" I asked and looked up at Sam questioningly.

"I don't know, Sunny. We'll figure it out." Sam whispered, kissing my forehead again as he held me close.

"Nope, we won't get the chance. Within a couple weeks she'll be gone. Off to join her precious Cullens in a life of immortality and picking a war with us." I said as I stared down at my shoes.

"I've been thinking about that." Sam said and I looked up at him curiously.

"What about it?" I asked and Sam sighed.

"Remember the night that you came home from your father's after Bella came back with her Cullen from Italy?" Sam asked and I nodded.

"She told you that if she didn't change, that the vampire royals would be after her and the Cullens. You were so worried about what would happen if they actually came. I've been thinking that it might actually be better to just let them take her away and change her, especially if it will keep everyone safer." Sam said and I was shocked that he was actually considering this.

"I'll talk with the pack tomorrow when Jacob's a little more stable and if the others think this is a choice that should be made, I'll go with Paul and Jared to the Cullens tomorrow afternoon." He said and I nodded.

"No more war." I whispered and Sam nodded.

"No more war." Sam replied and pulled me close to him again.