Ola, I'm ba~~ck!
Situational Irony
A sidestory for the Masked Idiot
You guys remember Kazue right? This is his story.
A beautiful lady of little renown sat praying in front of the altar before her. Her long blonde hair plaited straight down her back and her pale skin reflected the sunlight slanting through the glazed windows. A look of all sweet accord graced her face and, for the first time in his twenty-year-long life, Kazue believed in God.
Of course, he immediately forgot all human emotions as the lady gracefully stood up and took her leave. Trainee ANBU always received the dumber missions; taking charge of the academy obstacle course exam, guarding the library (the Hokage's personal library, where all the important scrolls and relics were amassed) and, in this instance, escort the Fire Daimyo's 16th wife's 4th daughter.
He dutifully tailed her, making sure his cover remained a cover. (unlike the last two idiots, who decided Jounin were lesser beings and gave away their position, causing a breach in security that could have reached the ears of the Tsuchikage who might decide to act believing that Konoha was getting lax. War: it made an ANBU suffer sleepless nights and caffeinated days.) The woman, who the mission scroll stated was Orika-hime or some such, was heading towards her 'quarters' i.e. the high security civilian sector. Most days got ANBU codename Panda bored, but tailing a boring woman made it that much more boring, princess or not.
She proceeded to undress and Panda observed with clinical awareness. It had happened, more often than not, that clients were attacked in compromising positions, and ANBU were trusted to guard without perverse thoughts clouding their efficiency. Though Panda supposed that she was rather a sight to behold, with luscious curves and creamy skin, but he was in his professional mode, so those thoughts would have to wait.
A tap on the window alerted him to the arrival of his relief team. He and his partner, codename Turtle, nodded and returned to base as they were replaced by Boar and Snake for 4 hours exactly.
Boar and Snake were the relief team, so they relieved all the ANBU squads in Konoha for 4 hour intervals because, as much as Panda wished they could be so, they weren't machines and required rest. He and Turtle headed towards their lockers and changed out of their gear. As he slipped off his mask, he wasn't Panda anymore, but Kazue: Weapon Master of Konoha(self-proclaimed, but it would happen eventually) and was the slightly insane, hyperactive idiot of the ANBU. He began making fun of Turtle, now Maito Gran, about how his face was still flushed after seeing a 'youthful blossom' in the nude. A couple of other ANBU joined in the fun and they went to the mess hall, small as it was.
Their cook was about to retire and the Hokage would need to find a replacement. The Ichiraku family, while civilians through and through, had served the ANBU for years, but alas, the next in line—a boy named Teuchi if Kazue remembered rightly—had decided to open shop in Konoha's shinobi sector. Of course, this was all top secret, so no one was likely to find out, and Teuchi's memories of ANBU would be erased before he left.
Kazue was a man of little note. He had soft brown hair and wicked chocolate-coloured eyes. He had a slightly morbid sense of humour and he never missed his mark. Ten out of Ten times he hit a bulls-eye, and it took him years to tune his reflexes to such an extent that he could sense danger coming from a mile away. He was a part of Konoha's elite forces so he must be a good shinobi, and he would take the Jounin exams in a month's time. Hopefully, he'd be able to return to active duty soon enough, and protect his village with everything he had.
Till then though, he needed to finish eating fast and excuse himself, because he had a certain beautiful blonde, quirky woman to get out of his head. And the only way to do that was to take a cold shower before he was back to guarding her nearly 24/7 again.
The strangest thing about life is that we suffer from these dreadful happening called epiphanies when we least expect them to happen. So when ANBU captain Monkey informed him in code language that he was not required to escort the Daimyo's daughter anymore, he realized that he couldn't do it.
Watching her go about her mundane life had left him with a strange affection for her, an affection one might liken to a master and an annoying puppy that chased its tail all day long. So he slightly broke protocol and asked him why he was being replaced.
Captain Monkey humoured him and said that, no, he wasn't being replaced because the Daimyo had withdrawn his money in favour of some other frivolous event and told him that he was being promoted.
When his captain left him, he felt slightly—nay, completely—hollow. When the Daimyo withdraws his money for escorting any member of society and gives it to the Hokage for something else, it's usually to assassinate them.
He took off his mask—both metaphorical and physical—and made up his mind.
After taking the Jounin exam and being elected ANBU commander, Kazue had a lot less free time (which was eyebrow-raising, seeing as his net free time accounted for 23 hours a fortnight) in which to devote his little side project, namely, protect Orika-hime. So it's no surprise that the first time he made his presence known to her was at 9 o'clock in the night, when he knew she took a shower.
Of course, it was completely coincidental.
The water poured down her creamy skin and clung to her, shimmering like diamonds in the sun. Her eyes were closed when he unceremoniously opened her bathroom and slid on soap suds. Reflexes caused him to grab the rim of the tub and he slammed into her wet body, causing them both to crash into the porcelain tub.
He groaned and the first thing he noticed was her doe-shaped eyes and wet eyelashes, before realizing their position; her splayed over him, completely naked. He laughed sheepishly and tried his best to suppress his growing urge to kiss her senseless, and thankfully, she didn't try to throttle him and got up, grabbed the towel on the rail and wrapped her body in it, and walked to her bedroom calmly, shutting the door and reemerging, completely dressed in a very complicated multi-layered kimono.
In the mean time, Kazue tried to get his bearings, shut the water taps and performed a standard katon jutsu to dry himself off.
When both of them were sufficiently composed, they met in her living room and silently appraised each other. Kazue was fast learning that she wasn't going to break the silence.
"Yo, I'm Kazue and I'm your new best friend!"
"…"
"As your new best friend, I will now tell you your greatest flaw!" Kazue exclaimed, perched on one of Konoha's fences as Orika-hime continued placing ripe tomatoes in her handbasket.
"And I suppose you expect me to care?" Orika-hime dryly commented. Kazue nodded enthusiastically and started telling her how they were totally meant for each other because she understood him so perfectly.
"I understand that you are a self-centered prick who doesn't understand when to shut up and leave the poor peasant girl alone."
"Your greatest flaw is your horrible fashion sense. You have such a hot body, but let's face it, wrapping yourself in nine layers of itchy clothing is not doing you any favours. You need to let your curves free and in view of the males of the world! Otherwise you'll never get a boyfriend and I'll be forced to marry you!" Kazue proclaimed ominously, though in truth, he wouldn't mind marrying her.
But of course, as in all clichéd romances, he needed to first deny his feelings and pretend he wasn't good enough for her. He could play that game; his ego wasn't that far gone that he couldn't play the whipped duckling.
"I have lived all my life wearing this and I shall continue to do so. Your comments mean nothing."
But he could see the worried glance she sent her attire and he knew he had her in the palm of his hand.
"You know Hime, all you have to do is coming shopping with me after my mission, and I'd be honoured to find you something hot to wear!"
"I'd rather you stopped pretending you have a fashion sense at all Kazue-san, or I'll be forced to pelt you with these delectable cauliflowers.", she snapped.
But Kazue had the lay on her. She loved using formal language (seriously, who calls cauliflowers delectable? They're icky!) and loathed wasting anything. And she was delightful.
When she wasn't being snappy (very rare indeed), she was clumsy and oblivious. She cared for his opinion more than she herself knew, because, he surmised, he was the first person in the whole village that had spoken and befriended her. No, the first person in her life that had wanted anything to do with her. She wasn't good with social interactions and was slow to catch on when situations were considered inappropriate i.e. any situation which involved the two of them.
She was naïve, but she was so very trusting, even when she tried not to be, that Kazue couldn't help but want to protect her till the end of his days.
But alas, he had to depart to Kumogakure no Sato and collect valuable information about them, information that could veritably cause the defeat of Konoha if it wasn't intercepted. And so, leaving behind his paperwork for the ANBU grunt, he and Turtle along with Jackal and Tiger, would infiltrate the enemy's base.
The chances of survival were lower than 6%, and though he hoped for the best, war was not something you were optimistic about. He was renowned for his prowess with any weapon (he was finally acknowledged as weapon master after he utterly defeated one of the seven swordsmen of the mist. The fact that he was in intensive care for a month after was completely irrelevant) and his amazing ability to compartmentalize his emotions and appear completely happy when he was dying on the inside.
As he left Orika-hime and went to arrange his affairs before his departure, he might have let his guard slip a bit because just as he left, she clung to his arm and kissed him chastely.
"Come home safely." She whispered in his ear.
The dazed look on his face didn't leave him until he reached the outskirts of Konoha. He snapped to attention then, prepared to complete the mission or kill trying.
Because his Hime had asked him to come home, dying was not an option.
In the middle of the night, when the lights played catch with the shadows on the ceiling, Kazue snuck into Orika-hime's room. She gave a startled gasp and, upon identifying the perpetrator, hugged him fiercely.
Kazue, not expecting this welcome back, tensed up and whispered softly, seeing as she was beyond worried for his safety even when she didn't show it, "I'm home."
"Welcome home."
She didn't stop clinging onto him though, and so, because he had something delicate in his hands and because his ribs had been cracked on the mission, among other things, he asked her to please let go of him.
She loosened her hold a bit but didn't let go. Kazue wiggled a bit and got comfortable, because he had a feeling she wasn't going to let go any time soon. Understandable, considering the mission was supposed to take a month but he had been gone for two, with no one at Konoha knowing whether his platoon had died on said mission.
"I have a present for you, and tomorrow, we're going shopping."
She gazed at him pointedly and told him "I preferred you when you were mute."
He chuckled slightly and propped up his free arm, which had an oblong parcel in it, to her so that she could open it.
She did so, and saw beautiful pale blue flowers, slightly wilted, in the box. She gazed at them solemnly for a while and remarked at their splendor in her characteristic complicated way.
He grinned, satisfied.
"They're called Sotentenra, and are only found on the crags of Mount Jogi." He stated proudly.
"Isn't Mount Jogi the location of Kumogakure's most heavily guarded prison?" she asked testily.
Well shit. Maybe it had been too much to hope for that she didn't have any idea why he'd been delayed for quite that long.
Shopping was a great ordeal, and took up most of his free time making sure that he was free on that particular Friday when the sale prices were at their lowest and that she would most definitely accompany him.
"I'm not going."
"But you promised!"
"No, you simply assumed I would comply with your whims. Foolish of you, but such is the way with egotistical men."
"Orika-hime!" he whined loudly and for a long time until she finally gave in.
Success.
They wandered around the shops and when he saw something wonderful, she shot him down, and when she found something 'acceptable', he hastily hurried her off to another shop. (her sense of fashion was that of a middle-aged Danzo.)
Their search seemed futile and, when he reluctantly agreed to leave and call it quits, he saw the perfect attire for his formal princess. He hastily dragged her to a non-descriptive shop which had orange jumpsuits on display (as if any shinobi with half a brain would wear that) courtesy of the madman who ran the shop, who is quoted to have said "The Greatest Shinobi of this world shall wear those clothes and live to prove all the naysayers wrong!"*.
He had caught a glimpse of a light pink brocaded cloth and he intended to investigate. He led her there (more like steered. She wasn't too sure about the shop after having a blasphemous fortune screamed at her face as they entered.) and proclaimed for all to hear,
"THOU SHALT WEAR THIS, OH ORIKA, HIME OF MY LIFE, AND THOU SHALT BEQUEATH IT UNTO OUR CHILD!"
"Absolutely not."
This was embarrassing to Orika-hime on multiple levels. Firstly, they hadn't even spoken about being in a relationship—platonic or otherwise—so she had no idea as to whether he intended to do anything about her kiss. And secondly,
"I never agreed to bear your children Kazue."
He deflated instantaneously. But years later, the very same innocent bystanders who witnessed this scene would see a brunette weapon mistress walk into this very shop and buy the very same pink and golden Chinese outfit, exclaiming that her children would definitely be 'bequeathed these clothes'.
Of course, it was completely coincidental.
"Kazue?"
"Yes, o Hime of my life?"
"Why are you not in possession of a last name?"
"Why aren't you?"
"My father did not bequeath me with one. If the Daimyo does not see it fit for his menagerie of children to possess a surname, we shall not receive one."
"Oh. Well, my reasoning is that, although I could have a last name if I want to—I can actually think of a few good ones of the top of my head—I'm an orphan and no one knew my parents. It doesn't sit well with me to take any old last name because it's not even necessary. I prefer being an individual, and a last name just makes me feel like I have to live up to it even though there's no one to watch me fall."
"In short, you just can't be bothered."
"I love how you can tell exactly what I mean when I give one of my epic monologues!"
As the happy couple walked in the streets, chatting amicably ("Kazue, shut up." "And then, the lady said—") a very sinister occurrence was afoot.
An arrow was let loose, aiming for the Daimyo's disgraced daughter's heart.
"But Orika-hime—" Kazue began, after which he grabbed the arrow and threw it right back where it came from, causing Orika-hime's eyes to widen in fear and awe,
"—the old lady really did say that the Hokage was a woodpecker!"
A volley of weapons was sent their way and Kazue grabbed Orika-hime, kissed her firmly (her eyes, of course, were wide open and he was kissing her as if they were in a comfortable room with a candle-lit dinner in front of them.) and literally danced with her as he dodged the kunai.
He was ANBU, they were elite. Kazue believes he has made this very clear.
He let go of her and she immediately asked him what on earth was going on. He opened his mouth to answer, but she suddenly pushed him and caught a shuriken aimed for his head deftly as it was in mid-flight and flung it back at the perpetrator. Said perpetrator was beyond shocked that she even did that, as was Kazue on the ground, and so he never stopped the missile from hitting him.
Kazue then immediately bundled her up and ran.
As he laid her on the top of the Niidaime Hokage's head, she began firing questions at him a mile a minute.
"Who was that? Why were we attacked? Why did you retreat? ARE YOU A COWARD? Did I just kill that man? How—"
He kissed her for various reasons, mainly to shut her up though.
"The Hokage sent the ANBU to assassinate you by orders of the Daimyo because you are useless to him and he no longer feels like providing for you. I retreated because I'd rather continue staying loyal to my village and not attacking a fellow shinobi, even though I've been stripped of my status as ANBU Commander because I refused to comply with the demands. No, you didn't kill him and don't look at me like that! I would rather die than attack you!" he said the last sentence with force and determination set in his eyes.
"Why did you do all of that for me? You love being a shinobi. You told me you'd kill your best friend if it meant you could continue protecting your home…"she looked at him uncertainly and with a quiet plea.
As the wind caressed her face and made their hair sway in a melodramatic way, he spoke in the most simple way imaginable, "You living in the village makes it my home. So, without you, it wouldn't be my home anymore."
She was in love and she didn't need a confession out of him to know that he'd always be by her side.
"I have a way out of this fix you know."
"Really? Pray tell. I'm all ears."
"If you marry me, you'd be dependent on me and would be an official Konoha citizen, so you'd be under the Sandaime's jurisdiction instead of the Daimyo."
"Did you just ask me to marry you?"
"Yep." He smiled goofily.
"Why?"
"'Cause our baby will be cute. My hair and eyes and your face and quirks. We'll call her Tenten!"
"Absolutely not."
She was blushing as she said this, and, on October the tenth, when the Kyuubi destroyed his home, he need only think of that face and his teething-on-kunai daughter (named after Sotentenra, the flower he brought all the way from Mount Jogi) and Kazue was ready to die.
Because he loved his beautiful, quirky women.
*This prophecy did in fact come true, because Naruto wore those very orange jumpsuits. However, the reason he wore these clothes in the first place was because the madman said that only The Greatest Shinobi would wear it and, let's face it, Naruto wanted to be just that.
{A/N: I hope I did Tenten's parents justice, because I don't think they were even mentioned in Canon. If they were, review and tell me 'kay? So I can correct this story to the best of my ability.
This is dedicated to The Masked Idiot, who wanted a one-shot about Kazue's life. I'll post a diary entry soon enough everybody}