Chapter Thirty Four

It was with a definite sense of deja vu that they found themselves in the impressive reception area of Professor Nix's consulting rooms. They'd been fortunate in that the man had agreed to see them so quickly. Harry had rung him the morning after their pledges to one another and after Nix had at first told him it would be at least ten days before he could fit them in he'd rung back later that day and given them an after hours appointment forty eight hours hence.

They'd spent most of that forty eight hours together. Ruth had rung work and told them that she wouldn't be available until the following week and as Harry had remarked

"Well I've got nothing to cancel or re-arrange have I? So whatever you want to do Ruth I'm your man!"

Ruth had thought long and hard about that remark and the slight edge of bitterness that she detected in the words. Harry was not an old man, his razor sharp brain had not been damaged by his brush with death but as far as she could ascertain since the accident he had done nothing to bolster his self esteem and that was something she intended to try and put right. Of course she didn't want to do anything that might put either or both of them in danger, she was well aware that they were both tremendously lucky to have survived as long as they had and she certainly didn't intend to tempt fate now that they had found one another. No nothing dangerous or security related would be acceptable but she did have the germ of an idea that she thought well worth pursuing when things looked a little clearer.

She thought back to yesterday when Catherine had popped in with Ellie, of course Harry had totally ignored the two of them swooping down to grab the baby and take her outside so that they could lay together on the blanket he'd spread on the grass in anticipation. The two women had watched; amused from the patio doors as Harry blew raspberries, wiggled his nose and generally made a fool of himself as the little girl laid back her eyes never leaving her grandfather's face. They both appeared to be in heaven. Suddenly Harry's voice came floating in to the kitchen

"Mummy and Nana think I don't know they are watching us" he said in soft sing song voice "But I do and I think they've got a cheek don't you Ellie? Yes you do don't you? They'd be better occupied making lunch don't you think? That's my girl" he continued as the little girl cooed to him.

As they prepared a chicken salad with warm bread Catherine said "I'm pleased you've sorted out whatever was wrong between you Ruth. I know that Dad can be a pain in the derrière but he doesn't mean half of what he says and does you know. It's just his fail safe position. He's his own worst enemy sometimes."

Ruth had no intention of telling Catherine what the problem was although she wasn't surprised that Catherine had picked up on some of the tensions between them. She was after all Harry's flesh and blood. But of course as his wife she would never betray Harry in that manner so she'd just nodded and said that it was quite difficult for both of them to get used to living together, that they were both set in their ways and that there would have to be compromises on both sides but that they were getting there. The conversation came to a halt when Harry came in carrying Ellie under his arm, asking for the changing bag. The rest of the visit had been spent just indulging in general chit chat, just the four of them enjoying each others company.

As they waved Catherine and Ellie off at the end of the visit Harry wound his arm around Ruth and whispered to her

"I love that baby you know, I'll be a good father this time round. I know what I missed with Catherine and Graham, I'll be an older father but I'll be a better father. I promise you that Ruth."

"I know you will" she replied happy that he'd decided that the problems that they were facing could be overcome and that parenthood was still a distinct possibility.

And so here they sat ready to pour their hearts out to a man they both trusted implicitly. Nix came to the door of his office and beckoned them in. After seating themselves and exchanging the usual pleasantries Nix was keen to get down to business and enquired as to how he could assist them. Harry took a deep breath, reached for Ruth's hand and explained as quickly and plainly as he could what their, his problem was.

All the time he was speaking the room was deathly quiet, Ruth and the Professor being well aware what this was costing Harry in pride and self esteem.

When he finally sat back with a look of defeat and shame etched all over his face Nix stepped his fingers together and leant forward and in a soft voice said

"So Harry, we, you've made progress"

Harry looked askance at the assumption that any progress had been made and was about to say so when the man opposite him held up his hand to stop him.

"I mean it Harry, when we last spoke you were having difficulty achieving an erection , now you tell me that more often than not you achieve an erection and that you can maintain that erection until Ruth" and here he looked to Ruth as if asking permission to carry on. When Ruth didn't speak he did just that "Until Ruth touches your penis, is that about right old man? Have you tried not have Ruth touch you at all, have you ever achieved penetration ? No? Well don't give up hope either of you. The fundamentals appear to be in fine working order it's just that you seem to be on a hair trigger Harry that's all. I'm not going to do any tests, it's not long since you had the last lot done and apart from putting on more weight I don't suppose anything has changed. Agreed? Good.

Now I want you talk to someone about this, No I'm not going to send you to Tring, I wouldn't dare! No this is a chap I know who will just talk to you and try to get to the bottom of this little set back. Don't worry he's signed the Official Secrets Act, he can be trusted Harry, you can trust him as much as you trust me. Although on reflection maybe that's not far eh? But I sincerely believe we can sort this out for you."

In the end Harry had agreed and Nix had promised to talk to his colleague that night and urge him to see Harry as soon as possible. He'd also urged them to return to the intimacy that they'd enjoyed before Harry had become so upset and rattled about the whole thing. As Nix had said to him as he walked them to his door

"If you stop even trying Harry it's never going to get better is it? Enjoy the pleasure that you can give each other, enjoy each other as often as you both feel like it but for God's sake don't give up! I promise you it will be fine in the end." and then with a definite twinkle in his eye he leant forward and whispered "Trust me I know a doctor!"

The man had rung first thing the next morning, the night before had been quite tense; Harry apparently not feeling confident enough to take the advice Nix had given him had slipped into bed beside Ruth quietly and after kissing her softly he'd wished her good night before turning on his side away from her. Ruth had taken a deep breath trying not to feel too hurt. In truth bed was still a bit of a mine field.

She wanted, no craved the feeling of Harry wrapped around her as they slept, she missed the affection that such close contact engendered for them. She did understand that Harry's confidence was still at rock bottom and that he didn't want to start anything that he felt he couldn't finish but really this was just foolish. She moved over and draped her arm around his waist, a waist that was expanding nicely, yes he was putting on weight, looking more like the old Harry and it suited him, made him even more appealing if that was possible. He reached down for her hand and for one long moment she thought that he was going to remove it, she held her breath waiting for him to reject her again.

"That's nice" he said "I'm so sorry Ruth but I just can't, not at the moment. You're being more patient with me than I deserve but I promise that I'll do my best to overcome this. It's not as though I don't want you Ruth, I do, more than anything in this whole wide world, maybe I want you too much? Maybe that's why it keeps going all wrong? I love your hands on my body, any and every part of my body but I just can't control my reaction to you when you touch like that. I'm sorry."

"Can I put my hand under your t shirt?" she asked "It's just I want, need to touch your skin Harry. I won't do anything else I promise, just allow me that please?"

He'd taken her hand and kissed each of her fingers paying special attention to the finger that he'd placed the rings on sending shivers coursing through Ruth's entire body before he'd lifted her hand and re-arranged it under the thin fabric of his top.

"I don't deserve you" he'd muttered as he slipped into a deep sleep. It was a long time until Ruth slept as she allowed her fingers to gently stroke the soft, yielding flesh of his mid-drift listening to the comforting sound of his breathing.

Her last conscious thought as she drifted off to join him in sleep was:-

We can. We will make this work!

I've had so much grief with this I very nearly decided to just stop writing and give it up as a bad job! This is not what I envisaged. I'm sorry it's more of a filler to keep me on track so I can get to where I want to be. Hopefully the next chapter will be more acceptable all I need is the time to get it down on paper! Anyone got a spare few hours they can send me?