Chapter 35

Lou

I didn't know I could feel this light-hearted after weeks of wallowing in self-pity. Discovering I was a woman was such a blow that I felt unable to cope with the reality that the truth entailed. Misery wrapped around my soul, and I didn't know how to unravel it. Everything looked so bleak and grim, and I couldn't see any good in this trap I'd fallen in. However, a small slant of light is sneaking into my darkness, and as I talk and listen to Kid, Rachel's words come back to me. This revelation could have some good in it too, and I have to admit she was right. If I were a man, I definitely wouldn't be here with Kid, and I'd probably be castigating myself for those unwelcome feelings for my best friend.

Now… the shame is gone, and if I wish (which I do), I can relish in the warmth and excitement that love encompasses. Naturally, I don't know if Kid shares my fondness. Rachel said that he likes me and that's why he wanted to spend some time alone with me, but I don't know how true her words were. In fact, I ain't sure I want him to be that keen on me. No, that ain't true. I do want him to love me, but… what that would mean troubles me enormously. I don't know if I'd feel comfortable having a beau. Just a month ago I believed I was a boy, and thought I felt like one. How strange it would be to accept the attentions of a man!

I shouldn't worry about that after all. No matter what he says, I fear that today I've killed all the possibilities between me and Kid, if there were ever any. He surely wants a woman who acts and feels the way ladies do, and not the pantomime I am. When I think about my behavior today, I cringe in shame. From the start, I've acted hideously, biting his head off for simply looking at me. And then came the fall, the swearing, and my unrestrained behavior as he calls it. Realizing I've botched it doesn't make me proud, and it leaves a sad yearning in my heart, but somehow my non-existing chances for romance have calmed my nerves. Kid's just my friend, and that's the way it'll always be. Friendship should be enough, and until now I hadn't realized how lonely I've been lately and how much I need my friend back.

"Shall we have a little stroll before the sun sets and we have to go back to the station?"

I nod at his suggestion, and after collecting the picnic things, we leave everything on the wagon. I'm about to take a first step, but Kid stops me, gently pulling at my sleeve.

"Let's do this the right way," he says, and as I glance at him questioningly, he adds, "It's customary for the lady to place her hand on the crook of the man's arm when they stroll together."

For demonstration he stretches his elbow to me. For a few seconds I dither, staring at his arm as if it were on fire, and then tentatively I place my hand on him. "You see? It doesn't bite," he teases me.

I blush once again, but thankfully, he turns his face ahead of us as we start walking, so he can't see my red cheeks. I can't forget or act blasé when he's so close, and on top of everything, now I'm touching him. Friend or no friend, his proximity turns me into a pup, and I can't delude myself into thinking I just want his friendship. This man has the power to shake my whole world. This thing can be awkward and bizarre; I might not be ready for it; and I'm unlikely to have reasons to hope. However, I know I want and love him more than anything, and I'm ready to accept the unacceptable just to be with him.

My active mind doesn't prevent me from enjoying our promenade. We saunter close to the edge of the stream. The sun sinking low on the horizon has tinged the sky and turned it into a beautiful canvas of orange hues. Those wonderful colors are reflected in the mirror the calmed waters of the stream have become, and the effect is simply breathtaking. You can't really tell where the sky starts or where the stream ends.

"This is so perfect!" I exclaim, unable to silence the warm feeling within me before such beauty. Kid just smiles, obviously pleased by my words.

As we keep walking, I make out a shadowed figure in the short distance. Kid said this was quite a lonely, secluded spot, but I guess he meant the place we had our picnic. I can see it's a woman who's picking berries, and when we are closer, I stiffen and pale when I realize it is Esther. The last thing I want is for her to see me, so I'm tempted to tell Kid we should go back now. Yet, I hesitate and fear he might think I'm even weirder if I request something like that. Kid seems oblivious to Esther's presence and keeps chattering about I don't know what.

I will her to leave in silence, but she seems glued to the spot. Our steps or maybe Kid's voice alerts her, and when she turns her eyes to us, her face initially expresses surprise and then gradually turns serious and, I fear, unfriendly. Kid has noticed her now as well, but it's already too late to turn our heels and avoid her.

"Well, well, what a surprise!" she says in a sarcastic tone.

Polite as usual, Kid tilts his head to her when we stop. "Hello, Esther."

I can't talk or even utter a single sound. Esther ignores Kid, and fixes her eyes on me. She studies me indiscreetly, and under her scrutinizing stare I feel very self-conscious. I'm still wearing Kid's jacket, which reaches half-way down my legs and hangs enormously on my too thin frame, and my skirt is creased and dusty, not just because of the fall I took, but because of me sitting on the ground all this time. My too short tousled hair sure completes my very imperfect image. I don't know why I should care about my looks now, but somehow Esther's critical eyes discomfort me.

"You know what they say: you can dress a monkey in silk, but it's still a monkey."

"Watch out what you say!" Kid retorts, lifting a warning finger to her.

Her attention reverses to him, and I can see in her bright eyes she's eager to go into battle. My heart is thumping, and I'm filled with utter outrage after hearing her words, but somehow my sharp tongue has deserted me, and I feel unable to articulate a single sound. All I want is to get the hell out of here, but for some reason I'm paralyzed.

"And why, I wonder, are you playing with this… with this fake?" she questions in a proud, challenging tone.

"First, I beg you refrain from talking about Lou in that tone, and secondly, that is none of your business."

"Thank God for that!" she exclaims loudly. "I have no desire to let myself get tangled in this freak's web again. But I'm fond of you, Kid, you know, and I'd hate it if you made a fool of yourself because of her."

"Thanks for your concern, but it ain't necessary," Kid retorts stiffly, and turning to me, he adds, "Let's go, Lou."

Shivering, I nod, but before we take a single step, Esther charges again. "She kissed me, you know. Yes, she did! She kissed me, and she wanted more! I had to stop her, or God knows how that'd have ended up."

"That's a lie!" I yell, feeling ashamed and furious at the same time. How dare she make up all that? I kissed her, just once, and I'm afraid that disagreeable mistake is going to cause further havoc in my already troubled life.

"Deny the truth all you want, but we all know who's been lying through her teeth all her life."

I want to throttle and make her swallow all her disgusting lies. I'm at the end of my tether, and I'm tempted to let my escalating anger rein free. Contesting her words, I'm afraid, won't lead anywhere, and once again I seem to have lost the use of my tongue. What she needs is a good lesson, but aware of Kid's presence by my side, I feel powerless.

To my utter shame he's the one who steps in and decides to sort out the situation. "Would you mind sticking to your own damn business and leave Lou alone?" he demands in a tone that clearly implies he won't have any more or her catty comments. "Let's go, Lou. We shouldn't concern ourselves with this. It ain't worth it."

Before I can say a word, he clutches my elbow and leads me away from Esther and her very disturbing presence. Thankfully, she hasn't tried to have the last word. The nasty encounter has left me too upset, and as Kid and I walk in silence, my heart races and my chest hurts. I'm mortified by what Kid must be thinking of me. Talking about Esther and that kiss is more than embarrassing, but I can't allow him to believe I have some unnatural inclinations towards women.

"I thought I was a man and should feel like men feel," I blurt out in a tiny voice.

"It's fine, Lou. You don't owe me any explanations.

His words do nothing to erase my anxiety. "I did give her a kiss… just a peck, but I didn't like it!" I almost cry. "I swear I didn't do anything else, or I didn't want anything else from her."

Kid stops, places a hand on my shoulder, and says, "Please let's not talk about it. I don't wanna know."

I search his face, eager to know whether he's angry, disappointed, upset… or if he just doesn't care a hoot. Yet, he turns his eyes to the front as we resume walking. Silence between us feels like a heavy shroud which announces my telltale suspicions that things between him and me are dead. If my chances for Kid to return my feelings were scarce before, now they're null. Everything's ruined, and I can't even defend myself! How can I go on and on about the same when he's expressed very clearly he doesn't wish to talk about it anymore?

During the drive to the station, Kid breaks the silence and talks about the ride he's due for in a couple of days. His voice sounds flat and mellow, and I have the impression he doesn't want to be here at all. I politely respond with monosyllables, which is all I manage to utter without crumbling down and bawling. The effort to choke my tears makes my throat sore and dry, and my eyes itch. The drive feels torturously long when I just long to lock myself away and cry my eyes out.

When we finally reach the station, I waste no time to make my escape. Before Kid has even got off the wagon, I gruffly toss him his jacket, mumble a dry 'thank you' and scamper away.

Rachel's on the porch of her house, and smiles when she sees me skitter into her fenced yard. "Lou!" she calls and climbs down the steps to meet me. "Tell me, how did it go?" she asks eagerly.

"It was… it was a total disaster!" I blurt out loudly and a few stray tears escape from my eyes.

"What?"

"I did everything wrong! I was rude to him, ruined my new clothes, and said every wrong thing and more, and on top of everything else…"

My passionate speech is broken when I feel a hand tapping my shoulder, and to my consternation I find Kid when I turn around. "I'm afraid I have to differ." I barely register Rachel mutter a soft excuse-me as my whole attention is riveted on Kid. "I don't know about you, but I had a very nice time today."

"But…"

"I already told you, Lou. You're a very special person. You ain't like others, but I mean it as a compliment. I enjoy talking to you, and it's great to see you ain't afraid to say whatever is on your mind even if it ain't what people want to hear." I notice he's blushing, and after letting out his breath, he carries on, "You weren't rude and you didn't say anything wrong… not more than me, and a good wash will certainly remove those stains and make your blouse look as if it were brand new."

"But Esther…"

"She ain't important. I don't care what she says, and neither should you." He pauses and smiles before continuing, "Lou, it was… almost perfect."

I find myself smiling sheepishly as my worries and fears vanish from my mind. "Perfect?" I echo, not quite believing what I'm hearing.

"Almost," he corrects me. "There was just a little thing missing to make it perfect."

"What thing?"

"This."

And before I know what's happening, his lips brush mine in a soft, feather kiss. "And now it's perfect," he says, and as sudden and unexpected as his brief kiss, he turns on his heel and walks away.

I must be as read as a beetroot, but I've never felt so elated and strangely pleased in my life. My fingers touch my lips, just on the very spot where his were a few seconds ago. I turn around and as Rachel comes closer, I exclaim, "He kissed me! Rachel, he kissed me!"

She chuckles at my sudden outburst. "Yes, I saw that," she says with an ample smile. "I gather the picnic wasn't such a disaster as you claimed it was."

I shook my head vigorously. "It was…" I pause and just one word comes to mind. "Perfect. It was perfect." I smile as I repeat his words to her.

Rachel passes an arm around my shoulders and steers me towards the house. "Come on, Cinderella. Let's sit and have some coffee, and you, young lady, are gonna tell me everything."

I smile as I let myself be whisked off to the house. I'm barely aware of anything but the images replaying in my mind. His kiss. His brief lovely kiss. Fearful and eager; small and powerful. And it didn't feel awkward, dirty, or embarrassing as I expected. It felt just right… just as right as he is for me.