CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
FOUR'S POV
"I'm reading," Eric says. He tenses as Tris walks past him.
"Scared Eric?" Tris teases.
"I still can't believe you shot me," Eric says shaking his head.
"You deserved it," Tris murmurs.
"Probably. Doesn't mean I like it though," he says. Before Tris or any of us can respond, Eric starts to read.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
I wake in the dark, wedged in a hard corner. The floor beneath me is smooth and cold. I touch my throbbing head and liquid slips across my fingertips. Red—blood. When I bring my hand back down, my elbow hits a wall. Where am I?
"Shot and knocked out," Zeke says. "Not really having a good day now."
"That's an understatement," Tris says with a small smile.
A light flickers above me. The bulb is blue and dim when it's lit. I see the walls of a tank around me, and my shadowed reflection across from me. The room is small, with concrete walls and no windows, and I am alone in it. Well, almost—a small video camera is attached to one of the concrete walls.
"And it just gets worse," Zeke chuckles.
I see a small opening near my feet. Connected to it is a tube, and connected to the tube, in the corner of the room, is a huge tank.
The trembling starts in my fingertips and spreads up my arms, and soon my body is shuddering.
I'm not in a simulation this time.
"Who the hell thought to make your simulation come to life?" Tori gasps.
I see a smirk on Eric's face. I just want to punch him right now. Tris feels me tense and rubs my forearm.
My right arm is numb. When I push myself out of the corner, I see a pool of blood where I was sitting. I can't panic now. I stand, leaning against a wall, and breathe. The worst thing that can happen to me now is that I drown in this tank. I press my forehead to the glass and laugh. That is the worst thing I can imagine. My laugh turns into a sob.
If I refuse to give up now, it will look brave to whoever watches me with that camera, but sometimes it isn't fighting that's brave, it's facing the death you know is coming. I sob into the glass. I'm not afraid of dying, but I want to die a different way, any other way.
"I can't believe they are watching this?" Marlene says.
"It is Erudite remember," I say. Of course, they would want to study her reactions. See if they are different to how she reacted in the simulation.
It is better to scream than cry, so I scream and slam my heel into the wall behind me. My foot bounces off, and I kick again, so hard my heel throbs. I kick again and again and again, then pull back and throw my left shoulder into the wall. The impact makes the wound in my right shoulder burn like it got stuck with a hot poker.
"Stubborn," I whisper.
Water trickles into the bottom of the tank.
The video camera means they're watching me—no, studying me, as only the Erudite would. To see if my reaction in reality matches my reaction in the simulation. To prove that I'm a coward.
"You're not a coward Tris," Lynn says.
I uncurl my fists and drop my hands. I am not a coward. I lift my head and stare at the camera across from me. If I focus on breathing, I can forget that I'm about to die. I stare at the camera until my vision narrows and it is all I see. Water tickles my ankles, then my calves, then my thighs. It rises over my fingertips. I breathe in; I breathe out. The water is soft and feels like silk.
"You are going to have soggy socks for real this time," Uriah groans.
"That's the first thought you have? I'm about to die and your worried about my soggy socks."
"I don't think you are going to die Tris," Uriah says with a big warm smile.
I breathe in. The water will wash my wounds clean. I breathe out. My mother submerged me in water when I was a baby, to give me to God. It has been a long time since I thought about God, but I think about him now. It is only natural. I am glad, suddenly, that I shot Eric in the foot instead of the head.
"Nobody else does," Tori comments.
My body rises with the water. Instead of kicking my feet to stay abreast of it, I push all the air from my lungs and sink to the bottom. The water muffles my ears. I feel its movement over my face. I think about snorting the water into my lungs so it kills me faster, but I can't bring myself to do it. I blow bubbles from my mouth.
Relax. I close my eyes. My lungs burn.
I let my hands float up to the top of the tank. I let the water fold me in its silken arms.
I can't help but hold Tris closer to me. The thought of her dying like this, dying at all is starting to freak me out. How the hell is she going to get out of this?
When I was young, my father used to hold me over his head and run with me so I felt like I was flying. I remember how the air felt, gliding over my body, and I am not afraid. I open my eyes.
A dark figure stands in front of me. I must be close to death if I'm seeing things. Pain stabs my lungs. Suffocating is painful. A palm presses to the glass in front of my face, and for a moment as I stare through the water, I think I see my mother's blurry face.
"Wow you are becoming delusional as your brain is starved for oxygen," Will says.
I hear a bang, and the glass cracks. Water sprays out a hole near the top of the tank, and the pane cracks in half. I turn away as the glass shatters, and the force of the water throws my body at the ground. I gasp, swallowing water as well as air, and cough, and gasp again, and hands close around my arms, and I hear her voice.
"Beatrice," she says. "Beatrice, we have to run."
"Doesn't look like I was delusional after all Will," Tris says.
"Oh thank God," Marlene gasps out.
She pulls my arm across her shoulders and hauls me to my feet. She is dressed like my mother and she looks like my mother, but she is holding a gun, and the determined look in her eyes is unfamiliar to me. I stumble beside her over broken glass and through water and out an open doorway. Dauntless guards lie dead next to the door.
"Lucky your mum used to be Dauntless," Zeke says.
My feet slip and slide on the tile as we walk down the hallway, as fast as my weak legs can muster. When we turn the corner, she fires at the two guards standing by the door at the end. The bullets hit them both in the head, and they slump to the floor. She pushes me against the wall and takes off her gray jacket.
"She has an awesome shot for someone who has spent so much time in Abnegation," Shauna says.
"Do you think she may have got some practise in?" Zeke asks.
"I don't know," Tris shrugs.
She wears a sleeveless shirt. When she lifts her arm, I see the corner of a tattoo under her armpit. No wonder she never changed clothes in front of me.
"Mom," I say, my voice strained. "You were Dauntless."
"Yes," she says, smiling. She makes her jacket into a sling for my arm, tying the sleeves around my neck. "And it has served me well today. Your father and Caleb and some others are hiding in a basement at the intersection of North and Fairfield. We have to go get them."
I stare at her. I sat next to her at the kitchen table, twice a day, for sixteen years, and never once did I consider the possibility that she could have been anything but Abnegation-born. How well did I actually know my mother?''
"It's not like she let you know her," Tori says.
"I know," Tris says. "It's just frustrating."
"There will be time for questions," she says. She lifts her shirt and slips a gun from under the waistband of her pants, offering it to me. Then she touches my cheek. "Now we must go."
She runs to the end of the hallway, and I run after her.
We are in the basement of Abnegation headquarters. My mother has worked there for as long as I can remember, so I'm not surprised when she leads me down a few dark hallways, up a dank staircase, and into daylight again without interference. How many Dauntless guards did she shoot before she found me?
"How did you know to find me?" I say.
"I've been watching the trains since the attacks started," she replies, glancing over her shoulder at me. "I didn't know what I would do when I found you. But it was always my intention to save you."
My throat feels tight. "But I betrayed you. I left you."
"Tris!" Marlene all but screams. "You didn't betray anyone."
"You're my daughter. I don't care about the factions." She shakes her head. "Look where they got us. Human beings as a whole cannot be good for long before the bad creeps back in and poisons us again."
She stops where the alley intersects with the road.
I know now isn't the time for conversation. But there is something I need to know.
"Mom, how do you know about Divergence?" I ask. "What is it? Why..."
She pushes the bullet chamber open and peers inside. Seeing how many bullets she has left. Then takes a few out of her pocket and reloads. I recognize her expression as the one she wears when she threads a needle.
"I know about them because I am one," she says as she shoves a bullet in place. "I was only safe because my mother was a Dauntless leader. On Choosing Day, she told me to leave my faction and find a safer one. I chose Abnegation." She puts an extra bullet in her pocket and stands up straighter. "But I wanted you to make the choice on your own."
"That seems strange," Tori says. "You would think she would want to keep you safe. But instead she let you choose without giving you any knowledge that could have helped you."
"I think she always knew I didn't fit in Abnegation," Tris says. "If she told me how dangerous it was then I probably would have stayed. I don't think she could have watched me live the rest of my life being so miserable."
"But you could have been killed," Christina says.
"I survived initiation," Tris says with a shrug.
"I don't understand why we're such a threat to the leaders."
"Every faction conditions its members to think and act a certain way. And most people do it. For most people, it's not hard to learn, to find a pattern of thought that works and stay that way." She touches my uninjured shoulder and smiles. "But our minds move in a dozen different directions. We can't be confined to one way of thinking, and that terrifies our leaders. It means we can't be controlled. And it means that no matter what they do, we will always cause trouble for them."
"How do Divergents cause trouble?" Zeke asks. "I would think that because they had more than one choice that they would be more devoted to the faction that they pick."
"Or they rebel against their leaders," Tori says. "Like Tris and Four are doing now."
"They don't really have a choice though," Uriah says. "If they don't then they will end up dead."
I feel like someone breathed new air into my lungs. I am not Abnegation. I am not Dauntless.
I am Divergent.
And I can't be controlled.
"Here they come," she says, looking around the corner. I peek over her shoulder and see a few Dauntless with guns, moving to the same beat, heading toward us. My mother looks back. Far behind us, another group of Dauntless run down the alley, toward us, moving in time with one another.
"Is trouble just following you Tris?" Zeke jokes.
"Looks like it," Tris smiles at Zeke.
She grabs my hands and looks me in the eyes. I watch her long eyelashes move as she blinks. I wish I had something of hers in my small, plain face. But at least I have something of hers in my brain.
"Go to your father and brother. The alley on the right, down to the basement. Knock twice, then three times, then six times." She cups my cheeks. Her hands are cold; her palms are rough. "I'm going to distract them. You have to run as fast as you can."
"No." I shake my head. "I'm not going anywhere without you."
She smiles. "Be brave, Beatrice. I love you."
I feel Tris' fingers tighten in mine. I look down to see the tears starting to form. I think we both have an idea of what is about to happen.
I can't speak, I know my voice will be laced with emotion and I need to stay strong for Tris.
I feel her lips on my forehead and then she runs into the middle of the street. She holds her gun above her head and fires three times into the air. The Dauntless start running.
I sprint across the street and into the alley. As I run, I look over my shoulder to see if any Dauntless follow me. But my mother fires into the crowd of guards, and they are too focused on her to notice me.
I whip my head over my shoulder when I hear them fire back. My feet falter and stop.
I keep watching Tris and the tears have just started to fall silently down her cheeks. I can't imagine what she is feeling listening to this.
My mother stiffens, her back arching. Blood surges from a wound in her abdomen, dyeing her shirt crimson. A patch of blood spreads over her shoulder. I blink, and the violent red stains the inside of my eyelids. I blink again, and I see her smile as she sweeps my hair trimmings into a pile.
She falls, first to her knees, her hands limp at her sides, and then to the pavement, slumped to the side like a rag doll. She is motionless and without breath.
"Oh no," gasps Shauna. Tears starting to fall down her face. Shauna is really close to her mum and I'm sure she couldn't imagine losing her the way Tris is having to witness this.
Zeke pulls Shauna closer to him. I take a look around the room and there are looks of horror and sadness around. I am wondering who will shed a tear first, Uriah or Marlene. It is too close to call. Lynn and Tori are actually holding hands, both have tears welling in their eyes.
Christina has a look of shock on her face. Maybe this will bring Tris and Christina's friendship back to where it once was. Will looks uncomfortable. Max and Eric are both sitting here stone faced, just like I imagined that they would be through all of this. Ultimately they have put us in this position. No chance that they will show that they know what they did was wrong.
I clamp my hand over my mouth and scream into my palm. My cheeks are hot and wet with tears I didn't feel beginning. My blood cries out that it belongs to her, and struggles to return to her, and I hear her words in my mind as I run, telling me to be brave.
"Breath Tris," I whisper. I know better than to ask her how she feels. Telling her everything will be alright is useless and untrue. Nothing will be right.
Pain stabs through me as everything I am made of collapses, my entire world dismantled in a moment. The pavement scrapes my knees. If I lie down now, this can all be done. Maybe Eric was right, and choosing death is like exploring an unknown, uncertain place.
I feel Tobias brushing my hair back before the first simulation. I hear him telling me to be brave. I hear my mother telling me to be brave.
The Dauntless soldiers turn as if moved by the same mind. Somehow I get up and start running.
I am brave.
"Chapter over," Eric says.
Tris moves in her seat and straddles me, wrapping her arms around me she sobs loudly into my chest. I hold her as tight as I can without squashing her. I see Shauna move to come over but I shake my head. Tris needs to get this out. In a few minutes I know she will calm down a bit and then the others can have their moment with her.
Although I don't know how she will cope with that. She doesn't like the attention to be centred around her and this is such a personal grief that she is going through.
"I can't tell you that everything will be okay. But I will hold you and take care of you for as long as you need me to Tris," I whisper to her.
I can feel her smile even between her sobs. "Thank you," she whispers into my shirt, but it was just loud enough that I could hear her.
"Can we stop reading for a little bit?" she asks me. She hasn't taken her face out from my chest yet. I know she isn't going to want everyone to see her this way.
"Yeah, we can," I say to her. I pick her up and start walking towards the stairs.
"We are gonna take a break," I say to the rest of the room.
I lock our door and walk over and sit on our bed. Tris has hardly moved even with me walking us up the stairs.
"I never thought anything could hurt this much," Tris says pulling slightly away from me. "Was it like that when you thought your mother had died."
"Yeah, it was," I say.
"Did it get better?"
"No. But I think Marcus beating me from the moment that she was gone didn't help. I couldn't talk about her or ask questions or he would beat me within an inch of my life. I think that was one of the last days I ever cried."
This makes Tris start to cry again. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to make you cry more."
"It just breaks my heart that he would do that to you. Especially when you were missing your mum so much. I can't imagine what that must have been like. You were so little."
"Do you want to lie down?" I am sure all this crying and the emotion behind it has exhausted her.
"Yeah. I think I want a shower first."
"I will go and get us something to eat while you are in the shower. I'll tell the others that we will go back down there only when you are ready."
"Tobias do you think I'm being stupid? I mean this hasn't happened yet."
"No. I think that if we weren't stuck in this place then it probably would have already happened. And it still may happen. I think your reaction is normal under the circumstances."
Tris gets up and walks into the bathroom.
Before I have reached the bottom step I am inundated with questions. I put my hands up to try and stop the barrage.
"She's okay, sort of. She is having a shower and then is going to have a nap," I say.
"She shouldn't be alone," Christina scolds me.
"I know that," I snap. "I came to get us something to eat. I'm sure she doesn't want me in the shower with her."
"Let us know if she needs anything," Shauna says.
"I will. Are they okay?" I nod my head towards Uriah and Marlene.
"Marlene lost it after you took Tris upstairs. Which then Uriah started to cry with her. I don't know how Marlene is going to cope reading these books. She has always been such a happy soul but is this fierce fighter underneath it all. But this, the whole war and people dying, she isn't coping very well with it," Shauna says.
"I'm just going to get us something to eat. I don't want to leave Tris alone for too long," I say. I don't even know how what to say about Marlene and Uriah. I'm glad I wasn't here to see Uriah start crying, that would just be uncomfortable.
I get back to our room and I can hear the shower still running. I look down and realise I need to change my shirt. It is soaking wet from Tris. I decide I may as well put some sweats on as well, if we are going to lie down I may as well be comfortable. I have just stripped down to my underwear when I hear it. Gut wrenching sobs coming from the bathroom.
I don't even think I just run straight in to the bathroom and see Tris is curled up in a ball on the floor crying her eyes out. I open the door and rush in, sitting on the floor and pulling Tris into my lap. I don't know how long we stay like this. But we need to get out of here.
"Tris," I nudge her shoulder. She has fallen asleep on me and we are still in the shower. I don't want to wake her but she is sitting on me naked and the water is starting to get cooler. "Tris, we need to get out of here," I say a little louder.
Tris opens her eyes and looks at me then at her surroundings. "Did I fall asleep?"
I nod. "We really need to get up before the water turns cold."
Tris looks down at herself and at me. I see the shock as her eyes widen. "I'm naked," she says.
"Yeah, I know," I say with a bit of a chuckle.
Tris puts her hand over my eyes. "Just keep them closed until I get out and find some towels," she says.
I do as she asks. I don't dare open them. "You can open them now," she says as she leans back into the shower stall and turns the water off and passes me a towel.
"Thanks," I say as I take the towel. I can see the blush rising on her cheeks, it really is adorable to see.
"I can't believe you saw me naked like that," Tris mumbles.
"Tris," I say but she walks, almost runs, out of the bathroom with a towel around her.
I walk into the bedroom and Tris is just standing in the middle of the room, red from embarrassment.
"Tris, I really couldn't see much," I say.
"That's because there isn't anything to see," she whispers. Going even redder.
"I didn't mean it like that. You were hugging my body. I didn't even think as I went in there. I heard your sobs and it broke my heart. I just knew I had to get to you."
Tris searches my face, like she is looking to see if I'm lying to her. But I'm not. Then she does something I wasn't expecting. She drops her towel.
My breath hitches. I try to just stare into her eyes but I can't. I've never seen anything as beautiful as she is.
I look back into her eyes and I can see the doubt in her eyes. She tries to cover herself with her hands.
"Don't," I whisper. She locks eyes with me and I can tell she is feeling so vulnerable. I take the two steps between us and hold onto her hands. I hold her hands out to her sides. I bend down and whisper in her ear, "You are absolutely beautiful to me."
Tris starts to shake her head. I let go of her hands and place my hands on either side of her face and kiss her and she starts to melt into me. I feel her arms wrap around my waist as we continue to kiss.
I pull away breathless, hugging her closely to me. Not wanting to ever let her go.
I finally pull away from her. "Turn around Tris," I say.
She looks at me questioningly as I bend down and grab her towel.
"I just want to dry your hair."
"I can do that."
"I know but I want to."
I stand there drying her hair. No words are spoken, no words are needed. Once I have her hair relatively dry I guide Tris over to our bed. I pull the sheet back, drop my towel and pull us both onto the bed.
I lie on my side and pull Tris towards me so that her back is to my chest. "Sleep Tris," I murmur. I feel so exhausted from all that has happened. I don't know how she is still awake.
A/N: A big thank you to Paula08 and Lunaschild2016. The support and encouragement you both gave me as I wrote this chapter means the world to me.