Chapter 34
Disclaimer – I do not own Harry Potter
TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE ATTEMPT, usual warning in chapter.
Be careful
Don't let them know
You must be hidden to be safe
She's sick
They'll think you're a monster
You kept me because you love me
GET AWAY FROM MY SON YOU MONSTER!
…what have we done?
The first full moon of the year is a tough one, Moony being impossible for anyone to calm down as he attacks himself despite his initial euphoria at his mate having returned to him.
Apart from some of the worst cycles he's had since first year, their first term of sixth year goes relatively well. Aside from Severus' defection that is. It was quiet, there was no real uproar, except when they discovered Narcissa didn't have the dark mark and made them believe Severus had done this on his own. So aside from monthly mutilation and the betrayal of a close friend…okay, their first term is literal shit.
They end up on minus 150 points after a pretty spectacular argument between Remus, Binns, Avery, and McGonagall. To everyone's surprise, Avery was agreeing with Remus, but no one could really deny the stupidity of what they were looking at. That was followed up by a rather spectacular prank in which any time anyone tried to speak, they'd sing instead. It took a month for it to be reversed and only happened after Narcissa and Lucius got engaged in the middle of the Great Hall and Lucius proceeded to dob the four Marauders in as the culprits to make them lift the spell. Then Sirius attempted to flirt with Dumbledore to get out of detention, and nearly succeeded, until McGonagall showed up and took twenty-five points from both of them. That began a war in which teachers were taking points from each other and only ended when Narcissa, as Slytherin's prefect, said they were all behaving like teenagers and took ten points off of all of them. All the teachers were eager to have their houses earn the points back, but all except Hufflepuff ended up in the negatives. None are as far behind as Gryffindor, all of them decided to blame that on Remus and Binns and so decided to teach Remus how to react when annoyed by annoying the crap out of him and having points taken every time he snaps at someone.
None were expecting him to go into a total zen mode and remain calm about everything causing the others to get annoyed and lose points themselves.
By the time holidays comes around, all of the school is annoyed at Remus for one thing or another. He practically prances off the train as he goes over to the group's parents.
"Hello, have a good few months?" Remus asks them all, they notice the glares he's getting from everyone around him and seem amused.
"Rem, what did you do?" He shrugs.
"I did nothing, I even remained calm."
"Arsehole," James mutters, Del looks at him unhappily, "Well he is!"
"There is no need to be so rude."
"You are such a damned Hufflepuff."
"This is why we're the only house without house points in the negatives."
"You-what?" Harlene asks in surprise, Sirius laughs.
"It was the most glorious thing I've ever accidentally set off."
"All hail Narc though," Remus comments, Narcissa rolls her eyes at the name but doesn't object, she's used to it by now.
"Come on Bella, Sirius, we should go meet Aunt Walburga."
"Don't forget Christmas, Dear," Euphemia reminds her, she and Lucius had been surprised to get the invitation to attend their Christmas lunch but had happily accepted.
Severus walks over to the group, none missing that he'd been with Regulus beforehand. The group goes awkwardly silent as he gets there, James taking Lily's hand in support.
"Well, we should all probably be going, right?" Peter asks, his parents nod.
"Yes, of course. We'll see you all at Christmas." They leave, the Black's also going, Lucius nods at Severus and at Remus before he too leaves.
"It's good to see you Sev," Remus tells him honestly before the Lupin's leave too.
"If things get bad, Lily, take Petunia and go to Remus'," James whispers to her as he hugs her, she nods as they separate, "It'll be Christmas before you know it." The Potters leave followed by everyone else but the Evans family.
"Is everything all right?" Kyle asks his youngest daughter and the boy he thinks of as a Son. He and Laura had talked about legally adopting Severus, but things had taken a romantic turn between Severus and Lily and they hadn't wanted to interfere with that.
"Of course Dad, let's just go home," Lily requests, Kyle and Laura exchange looks but agree.
The five of them leave the station and get into the car, Lily sitting in the middle in the back seat between Severus and Petunia.
"I wasn't sure you'd come," Lily says quietly to Severus after a few minutes, with the music playing only Severus heard her.
"Lucius invited me to stay with him but, with you or not, they're my family too. Where else would I go?"
"Your family yet you'd join someone who would happily kill or enslave them?"
"I don't want to have this argument all holidays Lily," Severus tells her, speaking louder than they had been before so that now all occupants of the car can hear them.
"Then maybe you should have accepted the invitation and stayed with Malfoy," Lily replies, Petunia and Laura exchanging surprised looks, Kyle just as surprised but keeping his eyes on the road as he drives.
"You want to kick me out of my home here too? You already banished me from Gryffindor tower, where I have lived for five years."
"Me? You're the one who ruined things Sev, not me. Perhaps you should have thought of that first."
"All right you two! That's enough. No one is getting kicked out of anywhere," Laura tells them both sternly as they pull into the driveway, Lily gets out as soon as Petunia has moved.
"I'm going to Remy's," Lily declares before walking off down the driveway.
There's a full moon two days before Christmas, after the usual screaming of the transformation, Moony blinks and looks around the place. He'd hurt the Cub in this place. Moony sinks into a corner of the room, as far from the door as he can manage, and whimpers.
It's not long before his thoughts spiral and he's punishing himself, attacking himself, thrashing about and howling his grief.
Remus is fairly quiet and non-moving at Christmas, then Andromeda arrives with Ted and Dora.
"Remus. Bloody. Lupin. You and I need to have a conversation." Remus raises his head from his hand enough to look at her questioningly, she turns Dora around to look at him.
"Re-Re!" Remus gives the child a tired smile, hauling himself up and walking over to kneel in front of the small child who is now sitting at her mother's feet. The girl gets Remus' help to pull herself up and then collapses against him, holding on like she's wants to be picked up. He summons his Werewolf strength, even though it hurts a lot, and lifts the child up.
"Hi Dora."
"Why is it my child will say your name but not Mama or Dada?"
"Because your child is following in the footsteps of her Mother by betraying people's expectations and making her own way in life as a strong and independent woman," Remus replies as he makes faces at the young girl who giggles at him.
"Mother always did say you were a charmer," Andromeda tells him, he winks at her, she ruffles his hair before moving in and greeting people. Remus returns to his chair, Dora still in his arms.
A few minutes later Andromeda looks over to see both teenager and toddler asleep.
It's third term, Lily's beginning to believe that save for first term, Severus may have been wrong, maybe they would have a quiet year. Then Sirius comes sprinting into the common room.
"Lily, oh fuck I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, it was stupid, he'll never forgive me, they could of died, or worse I'm so sorry I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt it was just a joke and now I'm going to be expelled, Remus is gonna go to Azkaban and James is going to hate me and I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," He tells her, tears streaming down his face as he paces and looks completely mad.
"Sirius, stop! What is happening, what did you do?" Lily asks in alarm, the entire group now watching the scene warily, Sirius just looks at her like he wishes he were dead.
"They're in the hospital wing, all alive and-and human…with the one obvious exception but…"
"But?" Mary asks him, Sirius starts hyperventilating as he backs up slightly before shaking his head and looking back to them.
"I tricked Severus, sent him to Moony last night." The full magnitude of his words takes a second and then hits Lily like a ton of bricks, she turns and sprints out of the common room, the group running after her.
"James!" Lily calls as she runs into the hospital wing, only to find him in a hospital bed without a shirt on, bandages across his chest, as he watches the next bed silently. He barely reacts to her calling his name, when he does look round, he sees Sirius and glares.
"You shouldn't be here."
"Prongs, I…"
"Don't Sirius. Whatever you have to say I don't care to hear it."
"Where's Severus?" Lily asks as everyone makes themselves comfortable around the room, pulling over chairs and even a hospital bed so that everyone can sit in the immediate area.
"He was threatening to tell everyone about Moony if Sirius, Remus, and I aren't expelled. He's been in with Dumbledore for the last ten minutes," James tells them, gesturing to Pomfrey's office, Sirius gets up and leaves without a word.
"Does he know what happened?" Marlene asks, James shrugs before wincing at the movement.
"I don't know."
"Where's Peter?"
"Dealing with McGonagall."
"What the hell happened, seriously, Sirius was talking a mile a minute and all I really got was that a bunch of people nearly died, something about Remy in Azkaban and Severus seeing Moony." James sighs, looking exhausted.
"Sirius came looking for me, said he'd told Severus how to get to Moony. I think he must have tricked him somehow because Severus knows Moony isn't exactly safe at the moment. Moony attacked, I had just gotten in to stop Severus, I pulled him back behind me but Moony's claws got me, obviously. Anyways, no one got bit or died so…there's that I guess."
"Sirius loves Remus, why would he do this?"
"Same reason you once said he's just like every other Black. Same reason Severus tried to kill everyone. Same reason Phia left Remy to come here alone. Same reason Reg abandoned us. Anger. We all do stupid things when we're angry." Lily scoffs.
"'Anger only excuses so much,' isn't that our saying?"
"Yeah our other saying is 'always waiting', remember?"
"Remus has been through so much horror in his life, surely he'll forgive Sirius this?" Mary looks to Marlene in surprise.
"You think he should? After what he did?"
"He's Remy."
"I honestly can't tell if that's an affirmation or not," Peter says as he walks into the room, the group turns to look at him.
"Do you think he will though?" Frank asks, Peter tended to understand Remus more than any of them, Peter sighs as he sits on the edge of Remus' bed.
"Marls isn't wrong, he's been through a lot of horror, but I think that this may be one horror too many. I mean really, how much can one person take before they just accept that everyone will turn on them? We've nearly lost him to that before, but now it's…it's Sirius, of all people. His safety zone. The one to always bring him out of his panic, just one horror too many."
The door to Pomfrey's office opens, Dumbledore and Severus walking out.
"You going to live?" Severus asks James who nods, Severus gives a short nod back and then leaves.
"How did we end up here?" Alice asks when he's left, Frank wraps an arm around her, pressing a kiss to her head.
"I don't know, but we'll muddle through, together." Alice nods.
"Together."
Sirius comes back with Bellatrix and Lucius a few minutes after Pomfrey pronounces James fit to leave, not that any of them do, a black eye on Sirius' face that none of them feel the need to question.
"You all right James?" Lucius asks as Bellatrix goes immediately to Remus' side, though she does turn to look at James and hear the answer.
"Yes, thank you."
"What did he say?" Lucius asks Sirius, Sirius seems confused by the question, "Remy always says that when someone does something completely out of character, there's a damned good reason for it. Sadly, this isn't completely out of character, except that I really thought the equator would freeze over before you'd betray Remy likes this. So, what did Severus say?" Sirius looks down at his feet, shuffling slightly.
"Does it matter? The end result is the same." Lucius looks around the room and sees everyone pretty much in agreement, he rolls his eyes.
"You just put two very good friends of mine at immense risk, I want to know why. And after what you just pulled, you don't get to tell me no." The other boy sighs.
"It's stupid."
"I don't doubt it." Sirius glares at Lucius who raises an eyebrow at him.
"Ironically we were arguing about betraying your friends and stuff. Severus said we had no right to assume he had turned on us, dark mark or no. None of us had even tried to hear him out. Said he isn't Regulus and we should've given him a chance. I said fine, I'll get them to hear you out, and told him how to get to where Moony was. He's never been there before, he didn't know what would be at the other end."
"You what?" A voice croaked, everyone looked over to see Remus awake, Sirius' eyes widen.
"Remy, I…" Remus shuts his eyes against the tears filling them, he's just turned seventeen dammit! He will not cry!
"I did that?" Remus asks, looking at James who falters.
"No Remus, it was my fault," Sirius tells him, Remus looks at him sharply.
"Leave."
"Rem–"
"NO, LEAVE DAMMIT, GET OUT, ALL OF YOU!" Remus shouts, none of them have ever seen him so angry, except possibly after finding out Regulus had become a Death Eater, though he seemed even angrier than then.
"Remus! It wasn't their faults, they had nothing to do with it!" Sirius tells him, Remus glares, shaking with anger.
"Regulus, Severus, now you. If you think I'm just going to wait around for the next person to use this against me, you're wrong. Everyone, get. Out. I'm done with all of you."
"One horror too many," James says quietly as they all leave.
"I hope you realise I'm going nowhere," Bellatrix tells him, Remy takes her hand and nods, "Good."
"Lucius!" Remus calls as he jogs down the hall to catch up with the boy, three days after 'The Snape Incident'.
"Remy, hi," Lucius replies with a surprised but happy and, as usual, elegant smile.
"Hey, um, listen, I just wanted to say I'm sorry about what I said before. You had nothing to do with what happened, I'm sorry." Lucius shakes his head.
"Don't worry about it, if what Black pulled on you had happened to me I probably would have done a lot worse than shout at my friends." Remus smiles at him and nods.
"Thanks."
"Hey, while I've got you here. Pat's having trouble with Arithmancy and I cannot for the life of me work out where he's going wrong, can you take a look?" Pat Parkinson looks extremely nervous about Lucius asking Remus for help with his work but says nothing as Remus nods.
"Of course." Lucius hands the work over, Remus reads through it quickly, "You've gotten the significance of seven and thirteen the wrong way around. It's a similar background so a lot of people do it, but when it comes to predicting a more specific future, it makes all the difference. See the seven is just a sign of bad luck, but thirteen is a sign of bad luck that's been purposely caused. Usually by a jinx, hex, or curse, but it has been known to be completely non-magical and just someone interfering," Remus explains, Pat looks over the work.
"Oh, I see. So where I've assumed someone's got it out for him, it's actually just a bunch of bad shit happening to him?" Remus nods and chuckles.
"Exactly."
"Huh, Tom Riddle really can't catch a break," Pat says, tilting his head as he looks over his work again, "Uh, thanks Lupin, I guess."
"You're welcome Parkinson."
"You wouldn't happen to know anything about Animagi, would you? I've got my Transfiguration NEWT tomorrow and I cannot remember a thing about how someone becomes an Animagus," Evan Rosier asks, desperate enough at this point to risk his life. Remus hides his smile at the question and instead just nods.
That's how Remus found himself tutoring most of Slytherin house.
"Hey, Lupin!" Paul Goyle calls from Slytherin table as Remus walks in the Great Hall, Remus turns and walks over to him when beckoned, "Noticed you and the others are on the outs at the moment, want to sit with us?" It's been two weeks since the incident, and while Remus has apologised to his friends, except Sirius obviously, for snapping at them, he still hasn't stopped avoiding them.
"Uh, yeah, sure."
"Splendid, Oi, Knott, budge up."
A few minutes later Bellatrix, Narcissa, and Lucius walk in, Bellatrix about to go to Gryffindor table when Narcissa grabs her arm and points to where Remus is sitting and laughing with their peers.
"How did a few tutoring favours turn into this?" Bellatrix asks Lucius who shrugs.
"It's Remy, he attracts weird types."
"Oh the truth in that statement," Narcissa says, Bellatrix elbows her at the obvious insult. The three head over to Slytherin table, Bellatrix smiling and waving at her friends on in Gryffindor on the way and getting concerned and confused looks back, she shrugs at them.
"Remy, I must say I never thought I'd see you here for non-nefarious reasons," Narcissa tells him as they sit down.
"Nice to see you too, Narc."
A few days later, James and Lily walk into the library, or, to be more specific, Lily walks into the library and James trails behind her while complaining. They find Remus with an amused looking Lucius and a serious looking Patrick Parkinson, Paul Goyle, and Raymond Zabini. Lucius spots them and excuses himself, the four waving him off but otherwise ignoring him, he goes over to the two of them, chuckling when he reaches them.
"Hey, what's going on?" Lily asks him, he chuckles again.
"They're trying to convince Remy blood purity is right and just. Also that a bunch of bullshit pure-blood society eccentricities are fair and legitimate. It's not going well," He explains, wiping his eyes slightly.
"Of all the people to attempt to convince, they pick Remus bloody Lupin?" James asks, Lucius shrugs.
"How's he doing?" Lily asks him, Lucius sighs.
"Well, he managed to say Black's name without looking like a kicked puppy so…better?" James and Lily look worriedly at each other.
"And Severus?"
"He's still in a foul mood but he punched Regulus the other day for saying something about mud…le-borns."
"Muddleborns?" Lily asks looking both amused and unimpressed.
"What? That's totally a thing people say."
"Uh-huh, totally," She says with a roll of her eyes.
"Sorry, anyway, I don't know if that constitutes things getting better with him or worse. He's asking your parents if he can stay at my manor over the summer, said something about home being awkward and hellish at the moment?"
"Yeah that about sums it up."
"Guys, why does Remy have his thoughtful and considering look on his face?" James asks worriedly, the other two look over and see he seems to actually be considering whatever is being said.
"Oh my god, are they actually succeeding?" Lily asks, Lucius looks at the table in confusion.
"I think I'd better go back over there." The other two nod so he says good bye and walks over.
"You have a point about the inbreeding, but magic can fix most disabilities and abnormalities in utero, we know that for certain, so there isn't actually much of a risk of deformity for the children," Raymond Zabini tells him, Remus leans back in his chair.
"Huh." Lucius takes a seat, content to listen and try to catch up for a while before interrupting, "There's still no proof the magic will lessen."
"There's no proof it won't."
"Name the six most powerful wizards and witches you can think of," Remus tells him.
"Salazar Slytherin, The Dark Lord, Merlin, Albus Dumbledore, Minerva McGonagall,…probably you," Paul says, the other two nod, Lucius agreeing as well.
"McGonagall, Dumbledore, and I are all half-bloods. We've no proof Merlin and the Dark Lord aren't," Remus tells them, blushing a bit at being included on the list.
"Minerva McGonagall is a half-blood?" Pat asks, Remus nods, "Huh."
"Okay but, Rowena Ravenclaw, Helga Hufflepuff, Godric Gryffindor, Gellert Grindelwald, Salazar Slytherin, all of them are recognised as some of the most powerful wizards of all time. Think of how impossible it was to stop Grindelwald, all of them were purebloods."
"And a half-blood stopped Grindelwald."
"Merlin's beard, did Remy Lupin just say something nice about Albus Dumbledore?" Lucius asks in fake shock, Remus rolls his eyes.
"Just because I hate the man doesn't mean I can't acknowledge that in his youth he managed to do something right."
"You don't like Dumbledore?" Raymond asks, surprised, Remus raises an eyebrow at him.
"You do?"
"Well no, I just assumed every Gryffindor was as Dumbledore loving as the others."
"You'd be surprised how many people think little of Dumbledore. Though, admittedly, my opinion of the man tends to be more negative than most. Hardly my fault he's a manipulative git who is simply too fun to mess with."
"Ah, yes, Bella told me about your first introduction to her parents," Lucius tells him, Remus chuckles at the memory.
"Horrible people, good times though."
"What happened?" Paul asks, Remus sighs.
"Dumbledick was trying to break Trixie and I up, I refused to give in. He brought her parents in and planned it so that I would enter his office while they were here, introduced me as the half-blood their daughter is taken with. By the end of it the three of us were just purposely pissing our illustrious Headmaster off, it was pretty glorious."
A month later Remus enters the Gryffindor common room, ignoring the room and heading straight for his dormitory.
"Okay, no, I've been patient, I've had enough," Sirius declares, heading up after Remus, the rest of the group sighs.
"Someone alert Pomfrey?" James suggests.
"You can't ignore us forever you know." Remus ignores him, "Yes, I know you're pissed, I know I deserve it. Yell at me, curse me, anything, just stop ignoring me." Remus continues ignoring him as he finally finds the book he was looking for, he tries to leave but Sirius grabs his arm, Remus stops and looks down at the hand.
"Let. Go."
"Not until you talk to me!"
"You want me to talk to you? Fine, I don't care that you used my biggest fear against Severus and me. We both know I understand anger, I could forgive that. In fact, I have, I don't care anymore Sirius."
"THEN WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!"
"MY PROBLEM? MY PROBLEM, YOU GIANT BACK OF FLACCID DICKS, IS THAT YOU NEARLY GOT SOMEONE I CARE ABOUT KILLED! MY PROBLEM IS THAT YOU NEARLY SUCCEEDED! MY PROBLEM IS THAT YOU TRIED TO USE ME TO DO IT! MY PROBLEM…my problem is that you'd have made me a murderer." Sirius looks at Remus, rather horrified, he hadn't considered that, "I've managed that on my own, and I swore it would never happen again, and thanks to you it almost did. That is my problem. Not that you did it, but that it would have worked. My problem is that time and time again you've tried to convince me I'm not a monster, and time and time again it's proven that that isn't fucking true. I can't do it anymore Sirius, I can't act like I'm some caring and harmless little human. I'm not, I'm a predator, a lycanthrope, and I'm sick of putting in so much damned effort to protect humans, a species that doesn't care about its own people and will constantly throw every bit of good I've tried to do back in my face the moment it's suits them. It's disgusting, and I am done protecting you, all of you, your entire damned species. I'm not one of you and for once in my life I'm fucking glad about that. Maybe you are right after all, maybe I'm not the monster, maybe that's all of you." With that he storms out, leaving Sirius gaping at the spot where he'd stood.
"Oops."
"Lucius, have you seen Remy?" Tom asks, grabbing his arm as he walks by, a frantic James beside him. Lucius shakes off the hand as he shakes his head.
"No, why?"
"He and Sirius had an argument, Remus called him a giant bag of flaccid dicks and…said a few other rather worrying things and now we're worried he's about to do something stupid." Lucius raises an eyebrow at James, crossing his arms and looking at him expectantly.
"So, Black pissed him off and he stormed away, now you want me to help you find him? He clearly doesn't want to see any of you or he wouldn't have left."
"Okay, when I say do something stupid, I mean homicidally stupid, and I'm not exaggerating." Lucius sighs.
"Get Black to check the Astronomy tower, he gets one last chance to fix this or he leaves Remy the hell alone until Remy decides otherwise, and I will make sure he sticks to that, am I understood?" James nods.
"Thank you, Lucius." Lucius nods before he continues walking, now looking for Bellatrix.
WARNING
Sirius skips a bunch of stairs as he runs up to the astronomy tower as fast as he can, which, given that he'd run the length of most of the castle now, wasn't particularly fast. He finds Remus standing on the wrong side of the railing, but the slump in his shoulders he recognises, it isn't Remus, it's Moony.
"Moony?" Moony turns to look at him, heart break on his face. He knows what I've done, I put that look on his face.
"Siri bad. Y-You hurt me, why?" Sirius can't help but be proud of how far Moony had come with his speech, though that's hardly what he's focused on at the moment.
"I know I did, I'm sorry."
"No!" He looks to the ground far below him causing Sirius to really begin to panic.
"Moony, Moony just step back from the edge!" Sirius pleads, tears streaming down his face as he looks from Moony to the astronomy tower railing that he's on the other side of.
"I TRUSTED YOU! AND YOU BETRAYED ME!"
"I know, I know, and I fucked up, so badly, I'm sorry Moons, I'm so sorry." Moony looks at him, heartbroken.
"I don't believe you." With that he let's go of the railing, and steps off the edge.
"NO!" Sirius screams, jumping over the edge as well to grab his friend, holding onto the edge at the same time and crying out at the pain of what he's pretty sure is his shoulder dislocating. IT'S OVER.
"Ah! S-Sirius? WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?!" Sirius lets out a breath of relief despite his pounding heart, adrenaline pumping through him, and extreme pain he feels radiating through his body.
"REMUS, REMUS YOU FLEW ONCE, PLEASE TELL ME YOU REMEMBER HOW TO DO IT!" Sirius looks down at him and sees his terrified face along with the drop below, he looks back up.
"I…I DON'T KNOW!" Sirius feels his grip slipping, they jolt a bit.
"FUCK! REMUS I CAN'T HOLD ON FOREVER!"
"SIRIUS, IF WE'RE ABOUT TO DIE THEN YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I'M STILL FUCKING PISSED AT YOU –"
"I JUST JUMPED OFF A TOWER TO SAVE YOUR LIFE."
"CONSIDERING EVERYTHING I THINK THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS SHUT UP AND LISTEN!" Sirius shuts up, closing his eyes and clenching his teeth as he struggles to hold on, "I'M PISSED AT YOU, FOR ALL THE REASONS I SAID, BUT THERE'S ONE I DIDN'T MENTION." Sirius looks down at him, worse position for holding on or no, he had to see him, "YOU TALKED ME DOWN FROM EVERY PANIC ATTACK. YOU WERE THE FIRST PERSON MOONY ACCEPTED AS HIS PACK, HE MAY HAVE REALISED TRIXIE IS HIS MATE, BUT YOU WERE HIS FIRST TRUE PACK MEMBER. YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR ME, YOU'RE MY SAFETY NET, THE ONE PERSON I TRUST ABOVE ALL ELSE. MY FATHER LEFT US AFTER I GOT BIT, MY MOTHER WAS TERRIFIED, AND MY SISTER RESENTED EVERYTHING. YOU WERE THE FIRST PERSON TO THINK IT WAS COOL. YOU'RE THE ONE I LOOK TO FOR HELP AND SUPPORT, WHEN I'M SCARED OR FEEL ALONE OR WHEN I'M JUST REALLY BORED. OF EVERYONE, YOU WERE THE ONE I THOUGHT WOULD HAVE MY BACK. I CALL PETER MY BEST FRIEND, AND HE IS, BUT OF EVERYONE, YOU'RE…YOU'RE MY BEST FAMILY. I HAVE MY DOUBTS ABOUT EVERYONE STANDING BY ME, BUT YOU I NEVER QUESTIONED. I never questioned…" He tells him strongly.
"I'm sorry," Sirius tells him, and it's more true than it ever has been, "REMUS I'M SORRY. I HAVE NO DEFENCE FOR WHAT I DID AND BELIEVE ME I HATE MYSELF FOR IT. YOU ARE ALL OF THAT TO ME AND THE FIRST PERSON TO REALLY MAKE ME BELIEVE I'M DIFFERENT FROM WHAT EVERYONE EXPECTS FROM A BLACK. THE ONLY ONE TO MAKE ME REALISE BELLA AND NARCISSA MIGHT BE DIFFERENT TOO. YOU GAVE ME MY FAMILY BACK REMUS AND I THREW ALL OF THAT IN YOUR FACE. I STABBED YOU IN THE BACK AND I AM SO FUCKING SORRY. I…I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU AND I NEARLY ENDED YOUR LIFE IN WAY MORE WAYS THAN ONE. I-I…MERLIN, I'M JUST SORRY!" Remus smiles up at him sadly, tears in his eyes but he looks relatively content.
"I forgive you." Sirius blinks at him through his own tears.
"You do?" Remus smiles wider.
"Always waiting, right?" Sirius' grip slips again, suddenly a few fingers being all that's left between the two boys and certain death.
"WELL, IF WE'RE GOING TO DIE, THERE'S NO ONE I'D RATHER DIE WITH THAN YOU!" Remus frowns.
"I DON'T WANT TO DIE TODAY PADFOOT! I REFUSE TO." Sirius looks up again, needing to to hold on.
"THEN I HOPE YOU HAVE A PLAN!" Remus looks around desperately, he has a plan but he can't execute it like this, he needs a wand.
"JUST HOLD ON!"
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I'M DOING?!" Remus grits his teeth against the strain on his arm and reaches into his pocket with the other one, pulling out his cinnamon stick. He looks at it in his hand before closing his eyes and focusing on it.
"Come on, come on," He whispers, "I know what transformation feels like, I know how it works, I need this to work." He feels power going through his arm and into the wand, and it is a wand, he knows it is, he just needs to remind it of that. He feels it lengthen in his hand, the texture changing, it's presence altering and when he opens his eyes, he sees his wand. "WOOHOO, YES!"
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU CELEBRATING?!" Sirius screams incredulously, Remus laughs as he focuses the spell, using his wand for the first time in years. Suddenly the two are being flung upwards, "AHHH!", Remus grabs the railing as they go up and pulls them round to the other side as he cancels the spell making them drop to the ground, panting. Remus looks to his wand in his hand and sees it spark, cracks forming all along it before it disintegrates into splinters, he sighs, chucking it all to the ground.
"Was that what I think it was?" Sirius asks, still panting, as he looks to the pile, Remus grimaces and nods, "I don't suppose a simple repairo would work on that?"
"No, I uh, I doubt it."
"What did you do?"
"Remember that time we altered gravity?" Sirius nods, Remus flings his hand out to the side, "I altered gravity."
"Out here?"
"In a localised fashion, I needed to be able to channel it specifically, that's why I needed the wand." Sirius chuckles.
"You just fucking altered gravity." Remus chuckles, then they're both laughing hysterically.
"Is everyone okay?! We heard screaming!" Remus and Sirius look over to see Pomona Sprout and Horace Slughorn, both boys just laugh again.
"Ow, ow, fuck," Sirius says, gritting his teeth and grabbing his arm after rolling onto his shoulder.
"So, you completely dislocate your shoulder, sprain both wrists, and have multiple grazes on your hands, knees, and elbows. And you, sprain one wrist and the same arm's shoulder, have destroyed your wand, and also have multiple grazes, all from walking into a door?" McGonagall asks, Remus and Sirius are sat on a bed in the hospital wing, James and Peter standing at the door and snickering at them, Sirius smiles innocently.
"That's exactly right, Professor."
"One of these days, you're going to get yourselves killed." Remus smiles and shrugs.
"We might get close, but the way I see it, no way is one of us going to let the other die," Remus tells her, "So long as we all stick together, we'll be fine," He continues, nodding at James and Peter before turning and smiling at Sirius.
"Marauders first, right lads?" James asks, the four smile at each other and nod.
"You four will be the death of me, honestly."
"You love us Minnie, really," Sirius tells her, she shakes her head, muttering as she walks out of the room.
"Ten points to Gryffindor for managing to save each other from whatever it is that actually happened." The four boys grin at each other.
As Remus and Sirius get up, Sirius putting his shirt back on now that his shoulder has been healed, James scratches the back of his head.
"You know, the others and I, we really thought this might have been one horror too many, ya know?" Remus looks between the other three boys and can see on their faces that they all thought so. Remus chuckles, throwing an arm around Sirius and then James, Sirius throwing one around Peter's shoulders as well as they leave the hospital wing.
"A lot of shit is unpredictable in this life Mates, but if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's this. There's no such thing as one horror too many when it comes to the people you love," He tells them, then he grins, "Besides, always waiting, right lads?" The other three laugh, Sirius nods.
"Always waiting."
"Are we going to talk about the fact that Moony is apparently suicidal?" Sirius asks Remus in concern, "Or about the fact he was somehow the forefront of your mind in the middle of the day? No moon in sight?" Remus sighs, burying his face in his hands.
"I don't know Sirius, I don't remember what happened."
"Well what do you remember?"
"I remember our argument, and I remember storming out, and then suddenly I'm dangling off the astronomy tower!" Sirius groans, flopping back onto Remus' bed.
"I'm just concerned, you've said before that sometimes when Moony's feelings are different from your own they leak through and affect your own actions. What if this does too?" Remus rubs at the bridge of his nose.
"It is Sirius. It has been since the accident. Apart from my drinking increasing again, nothing's happened. Not until Moony was running the show."
"And we still don't know how that happened!"
"I know, I know. Do you think we should tell the others?" Remus asks, then the door opens.
"Tell us what?" James asks, coming in with his quidditch gear, clearly having just got back from practice. Sirius looks to Remus who shrugs.
"Remus faded."
"What?! Why did he faint?" James asks, dropping his stuff and rushing over, putting a hand to Remus' forehead to check his temperature. Remus rolls his eyes and pushes his hand away.
"Faded not fainted."
"Faded? As in the way Moony does when he says goodbye?" Remus nods, "Why?"
"Well I didn't do it on purpose. I don't even know how. It's sort of an in-between phase of Moony and I where we are completely separated, I've never done it before." James frowns, thinking, then he claps his hands together, rubbing them against each other.
"Well then boys, I think we've found a new phenomenon to research for the book. Wait, no one noticed, did they?" Remus shook his head, James nods, "Good, come on, let's stop Wormy from snogging Mary and go plan an epic prank to end the year!" As the three start leaving the room, Remus grabs Sirius' arm.
"Pads, what you said…before, I just wanted to say, I know you love me, I love you too Mate." Sirius smiles at him and claps him on the shoulder before they both leave, Remus loudly questioning when the hell Peter and Mary got together as they go.
Sirius thinks he's getting pretty good at holding back tears.
"Sirius, we've let you get away with a lot, but you're seventeen now. It's time for you to take your place as the Black heir, and take the Dark Mark." Sirius looks between his parents and his little brother, honestly believing they are joking.
"You're serious?" Sirius thinks Regulus is going to make a pun for a moment, that is until he looks at his parents out of the corner of his eyes and immediately does his best to be invisible. Regulus never speaks when their parents are in the room, never. They don't tend to acknowledge him either, won't even look at him. Sirius wonders what it has to do with Jonathan Cleary, he's pretty sure he's got bigger things to worry about right now though.
"Very, you've let us down long enough." Sirius rolls his eyes, chuckling without humour.
"You're an idiot Orion Black. I will never be the heir you want. I will never be the Son you want, and I would rather die a most horrible and painful death than join that fucking psychopath you bow down to like a fucking peasant." Orion's face darkens.
"Have it your way then, Regulus, do it." Sirius looks to Reg in panic, months of not acknowledging him, something is very wrong. Regulus looks from their father to his brother, wand in his hand, "If you want us to forget, if you want to retake your place as a Black and become the heir, then do it." Regulus looks at his brother, heart break on his face, he opens his mouth to say something Sirius thinks will be a refusal, so he beats him to it.
"Do it Reg, whatever they want. I forgive you, always waiting, right Little Marauder?" Regulus smiles, just slightly, but it's more than Sirius has seen in over a year.
"Crucio."
Sirius isn't sure how long it lasts, he screams and screams and doesn't black out until the spell has finished.
When he comes to, he's laying in a comfy bed. Sirius opens his eyes and sees James, Remus, Peter, Euphemia, and Andromeda sitting by his bedside. It's only after seeing his cousin that he notices Remus has a sleeping two-year-old on his lap.
"Morning sleeping beauty," James says when he notices Sirius is awake, the noise grates on his over sensitive eardrums, but Sirius smiles anyway.
"I wouldn't suggest talking at the moment Sirius, but don't worry. You're safe now." Sirius frowns at Euphemia.
"Reg," He croaks out, Euphemia smiles a sad smile as Remus grabs a piece of paper from his bedside table and hands it to him.
"You showed up with this."
Siri,
You lot say when someone does something totally out of character there's a reason for it, well here's mine. Bella isn't the only one who's been imperio'd, only they let me go after making me act. I killed Jonathan, apparently their last hope for an heir isn't allowed to be gay, guess I missed that memo.
You once said that to love someone is to care about them more than anyone else, at the time I didn't understand if you meant more than anyone else cares for them or more than you care for anyone else, but now I know it's both. I also know that I love you too, so for once, let me protect you. I know we say always waiting, but don't waste time waiting for me, not this time. You and the others need to fight him Sirius, even if you're scared. I've met him, he must be stopped.
I promise, I'll keep fighting too. Can't let you, James, Peter, and Remy fight alone, Marauders first, right?
Little Marauder
Sirius lays back in the bed, staring at the ceiling. He hates this war, and his family, and most everything. But not his brother, he could never hate his brother, and he can't believe he ever thought he could. Regulus is right after all, Marauders first. Little Marauder included, always.
I'll never stop waiting for you.