You've Got Something
Special thanks to BatedBreath for your kind comment!
Sanzo learns and must decide how to apply a very important lesson.
TRUST ARC - PART 7
Warning: This chapter includes an explicit mention of sexual activity, as well as acts that may be considered child abuse, including gaslighting.
36: No Idea
Something felt off. Sanzo couldn't place what it was, but stepping out of the bakery that evening under an overcast sky, walking towards his car, lighting up his first smoke of the night, it all felt wrong. He had this constant, nagging, itchy sensation that he'd missed something, like some small cog had come loose in the clockwork framing of the universe and now the whole thing was ticking wrong. He knew he'd done everything he was supposed to, what could possibly be wrong?
He tried to mull it over as he walked the block towards where he'd parked today, tried to think of some task forgotten, some habit skipped, some favor he'd promised Koumyou (or that Koumyou had forced him to agree to, one or the other), but nothing came to mind. Perhaps it was the slight sense of wrongness he'd been feeling off of Hakkai, but he hadn't talked to Hakkai today. Perhaps that was it. He paused and took his cell out (ignoring the messages of happy emoticons he'd gotten from Goku) and went to text Hakkai the evening numbers, but just as he pulled up the POS system, he got a text message from an unfamiliar number – no text, just an attachment. It was morbid curiosity that convinced him to check this message first.
His phone displayed a photograph of Hakkai, on his knees on his sofa, wrists bound with a belt, naked, skin flushed red, and with obvious handprints on his bare backside and thighs and a stream of ejaculate running down his back. Sanzo choked on his smoke. "Son of a bitch!" He dialed the number, and the other end picked up on the first ring. "What the fuck, Gojyo, that's not fucking–"
"Oh, has Gojyo shared his treasure with you before?" All of Sanzo's heat and bluster was smothered in an instant, as Nii answered instead. "It's a shame for you, then, since I'm fairly certain Hakkai won't be sharing any of that ever again."
Sanzo's cigarette fell from his mouth, and he superheated from cold shock to his temper boiling over. "You son of a bastard, what did you do?!"
"I decided to close up my unfinished business with my ex." Sanzo's shoulders tensed, the bones in his back and spine all tensing up. How could Nii sound so fucking nonchalant?! The very thought of Hakkai going back to Nii was pure insanity!
"What the fuck does that mean?!"
"I wasn't done with him. Now, I am." Nii chuckled, as if any of this were funny. "One last lesson in muichimotsu."
Sanzo's insides roiled with rage, but he tempered his fury enough to merely growl, "You're a bastard," rather than screaming it. "I have no idea how you convinced Hakkai to sleep with you again, but what the fuck are you talking about, muichimotsu? You're terrible at letting go. You obviously nursed your stupid grudge long enough to come back and fuck with him one more time, who the fuck are you to talk about holding nothing?"
"Ah, I don't need lectures from you, little Kouryuu." Nii sounded as bored with him as one might listening to a discussion of one's own fingernails. "After all, I'm not the one wasting my time thinking about things like committing." Sanzo felt like his collar had been jerked, hard. "Thinking about your future, Kouryuu? Thinking about setting down roots here and setting up to just coast 'til you croak?" Nii laughed through his nose, and Christ, Sanzo could just picture him sneering into his collar. He stomped hard, imagining Nii's smirking mug was underfoot.
"How the fuck do you know what I'm thinking?" His voice was hardly a hiss, and he hoped others walking nearby couldn't hear him.
"What does it matter? You haven't learned yet, baby brother, nothing turns out the way you think it will. I tried to teach you, in a much gentler way than I'd been taught, little Kouryuu. Nothing works the way you think, and oh, how quickly things change."
Sanzo ground his teeth together at the sound of his name, because he still remembered, still loathed every time Nii said it…
"Kouryuu, come here." Kouryuu had followed Ken'yuu into the kitchen, toddling knee-high to his nearly-grown big brother, stumbling in the wake of his long strides. Ken'yuu whistled and beckoned Kouryuu as he opened the refrigerator. Kouryuu scampered over to join him, then pointed at the bottle of soda.
"Wan' that. Can I have it?"
"Dad'll be mad if I give you that, don't fuss." Ken'yuu winked and stuck his tongue out at Kouryuu as he whined, then rummaged through the refrigerator. "But he said to give you a snack. You wanna snack, little Kouryuu?"
"Mhm." Kouryuu nodded, his yellow hair bobbing, and Ken'yuu found a white box. Kouryuu's heart leapt. Papa's peach buns! "Gimme!"
"So impatient." Ken'yuu chuckled, but opened the box and picked one out. "These are special, okay? Don't tell Dad. Say 'ahh.'" Kouryuu opened his mouth wide, and Ken'yuu put something on his tongue. Kouryuu bit down and chewed, but something was immediately wrong. It wasn't the chewy, tasty mochi dough, there was no cloyingly sweet peach-paste middle. Instead, there was a crunch, waxy and crisp skin, and then, his mouth burned.
"AHH!" Kouryuu cried out and spat out something bright red and green, but his mouth and tongue were still on fire. Ken'yuu had half of a peach bun in his hand and laughed as Kouryuu screamed and wailed at the heat on his tongue.
"I never said you were going to have it. Dad likes you to have vegetables, right? That's one of Papa's jalapeno peppers. Can you say 'jalapeno,' little Kouryuu?" Kouryuu couldn't answer, still screaming and screaming…
Every time Ken'yuu had said his name.
Koumyou invited Ken'yuu along to help with shopping for Kouryuu's first grade uniform, though likely it was to help keep an eye on Kouryuu for when Koumyou inevitably met someone he knew and got absorbed into an unavoidable catch-up conversation. Ken'yuu and Kouryuu had been waiting outside of the shoe store next to one of the pillars for nearly twenty minutes while Koumyou chatted with some women he knew, Kouryuu dutifully holding the bags, and Ken'yuu flipping through a pocket-sized book. Out of nowhere, Ken'yuu slapped his own forehead, making Kouryuu jump.
"Kouryuu!" Ken'yuu spun around and bent over, still hovering over Kouryuu and close to his face. "Kouryuu, I just realized, I left my chocolate in the book store! I bought a bar of chocolate, and I was going to share it with you, but I left the bar in the shop."
Kouryuu felt a sting of suspicion, but he bit his lip. He did love chocolate, but… "What kind?"
"The one right by the cash register, with the almonds." Ken'yuu quickly grabbed the bags from Kouryuu then motioned for him to go with a flip of his fingers. "I'll hold the bags and stay here, can you run over and get it for me?"
Kouryuu nodded and hurriedly toddled off. The book store wasn't far, Dad probably wouldn't miss him, and, of course, chocolate was delicious. He shuffled right to the cash register past all of the books, took the chocolate bar and held it up for the cashier in her green apron to see, and said, "My brother forgot this." Then, he turned around and walked back out.
The cashier shouted after him, "Hey, wait!" Kouryuu hadn't wanted anything else, so he returned to Ken'yuu, but the woman kept shouting. Kouryuu ignored her, returning to Ken'yuu just as Koumyou came out of the shoe store, further bags in hand.
"I'm sorry that took so long!" Koumyou smiled and fluffed Kouryuu's hair. "I hope you boys didn't get bored without me?"
"No, of course not." Ken'yuu's nose was back in his book, and Kouryuu was about to offer him the chocolate, when he heard footsteps running towards them, and all three turned and saw a security guard approaching with the woman from the book store.
"That's him." She pointed directly at Kouryuu. "He said something, then walked off with a five-dollar chocolate bar."
Koumyou gasped, and crouched down. "Kouryuu, did you?" Kouryuu, with the chocolate bar still in hand, held it out, and was about to turn to Ken'yuu to tell him to explain, but Ken'yuu merely clicked his tongue.
"Ghirardelli, Kouryuu? You've got good taste for a kid with empty pockets."
Kouryuu's jaw fell, and Koumyou took the chocolate bar back from him and gave it to the woman.
"I'm terribly sorry, he's only six, I thought he understood that one needs to exchange money for goods and services," Koumyou began to explain, all while patronizingly patting Kouryuu's head, and Kouryuu seethed with embarrassment.
It was worse every time.
Kouryuu knew he was being obvious, but he couldn't help it. He didn't have a lot of friends, so when another boy in class who wasn't sullen, withdrawn Hakkai or his intensely sweet sister took interest in him as a friend, he found himself silently mooning over him. Even quiet afternoons studying were spent with his heart pounding in his chest, his heels bouncing under the table. His friend hadn't seemed to notice.
Ken'yuu had.
"Oh, Kouryuu." Ken'yuu stuck his head in the kitchen, and Kouryuu arched his back as Ken'yuu wagged an eyebrow at him and his school companion. "Studying? Mind if I join in?"
Kouryuu could only watch helplessly as Ken'yuu seated himself next to his school friend, as Ken'yuu smirked and winked and charmed him, and in what felt like an instant, his only friend was under his brother's spell. Sometimes Kouryuu wondered if Ken'yuu only saw him as a way to lure in guileless teenagers, as bait for a predator, or if he only enjoyed flirting Kouryuu's friends away from him so that they would never talk to him again.
Either way, Ken'yuu had soon distracted his friend into coming with him to get ice cream, and Kouryuu was left alone, and the next he spoke to his friend, he couldn't look Kouryuu in the eye. Now, he was just another faceless, nameless memory that Ken'yuu had tainted into shadow.
He couldn't even look at him without rage boiling through his lungs.
"Out here alone, little Kouryuu?" Kouryuu stewed when the sliding door opened and Ken'yuu emerged, grinning down at him where he crouched down against the wall. Kouryuu quickly smashed the cigarette he'd filched out of Toudai's jacket, hoping the dark sky and the scent of Koumyou's herb garden would hide the evidence of his crimes, but Ken'yuu smirked in such a way that Kouryuu knew he had seen. Kouryuu just scoffed, his lip curling, in a practiced expression that he'd picked up after sixteen years of exasperation, frustration, and annoyance at his older brother. Tonight, though, he had worse things swirling through his mind. Ken'yuu squatted down next to him, hunched over like a particularly devious frog examining a pond, and Kouryuu sniffed and pulled his knees tight to his chest. "Dad says you got a day's suspension for fighting. Lemme guess – the 'two dads' thing?"
"Like you care."
"Of course I care, little Kouryuu; you're my only little brother, after all."
"As if," Kouryuu muttered, and Ken'yuu flicked his shoulder.
"Louder; I'm an old man, remember?" He chuckled half-heartedly and jostled Kouryuu's shoulder, shaking him around roughly. "Mumbling is rude."
"Whatever." Kouryuu rolled his eyes and tried to pull his knees in tighter. Ken'yuu merely slung an unwelcome arm around his shoulders. It felt so heavy, too heavy, like one more anchor of gravity against him.
"Kouryuu, I've been there. The 'adopted' thing, the fact that we have two fathers, it makes us stand out, and in high school, where you're expected to conform, the nail that sticks out is the one that gets hammered down." Ken'yuu kept his arm around Kouryuu as he took out a cigarette and flipped it to his mouth, then lit it up. "And of course, kids are dumb, and they just keep hammering and hammering at'cha, 'til even they're sure you're flat. The good news is." Ken'yuu paused to drag on his cigarette, leaving Kouryuu hanging like so much drifting smoke. He blew a smoke ring to loop around the pair of them, and finished, "Eventually, they start ignoring you, if you ignore them long enough."
"Mm." Sometimes, it was easy to forget Ken'yuu had been raised by the same parents as him. He hadn't been with them when he was little, but they'd done what they could for him. "I guess you're right."
"Besides, they're not wrong."
Kouryuu felt a cold, sick sensation in the pit of his gut, one that was too terribly familiar by now. He tried to move a hand to plug his ears, but Ken'yuu wasn't letting him move his arm. "You know why they kick you around. Because you are strange. You are weird. Being adopted isn't normal. You can't imagine how many times I heard 'your parents didn't love you.' They didn't, of course. Why else would they have gotten rid of you the way they did?" Ken'yuu chuckled again, and the icy feeling in Kouryuu's stomach prickled, his intestines freezing solid and dying. "Perhaps that's more me than you. I actually got in touch with the people who threw me out. Once. Yours is dead, isn't she? No idea who one half of the equation is, but didn't Koumyou tell you about your mother?" Ken'yuu clicked his tongue a few times, and Kouryuu squeezed his eyes shut. "So, you are strange. Other people won't accept you. You could just accept that nobody outside of this house is going to accept you as you are and let it go, but you're going to have to be reminded of it every day, every time you walk out those front doors, that someone's going to be cruel to you. Just forget about them. There's no point in trying to get attached to people like that. You might as well get used to being alone." Ken'yuu slyly tipped his eyes back into the house, and Kouryuu shivered. "After all, someday, you will be." He patted Kouryuu's shoulder hard, in a failed facsimile of brotherly affection. It just made Kouryuu shake.
Then, abruptly, Ken'yuu hopped up and called into the house, "Toudai, I'm out of smokes, can you spot me one?" Kouryuu covered his ears as he faintly heard Toudai saying his pack was in his jacket, Koumyou starting to scold him, and Toudai discovering that his pack was gone, but God, all he wanted was quiet, quiet, not to hear it anymore, even as all three of them started to shout his name…
"Oh, Kouryuu." Nii sighed wistfully, clicking his tongue down the line, and Sanzo clenched his fist tight, tense down his hunched spine all the way to his heels rooted on the concrete. "Didn't you learn? I was only trying to teach you what you needed to know."
"That the world is a miserable place and life is terrible? Fucking hell, it was because you wanted it to be that way and made it that way! You're all twisted up over stupid shit like your fucking parents leaving you and foster care and shit, you didn't let go of that! Fuck you, you're just a bitter sociopath who likes fucking with people, the world is terrible because you make it that way!"
Nii didn't respond for a moment, and Sanzo heaved, his breathing so loud in his ear. The dim sky was darkening as the sun set, though the sky was beginning to clear as black ink crept up past the clouds. Then, Nii snickered. "Is that what you learned? Ah, well. So be it." Sanzo closed his eyes tight, gripping the phone so hard he couldn't feel his knuckles. "That's my truth. Life is pain, love is worthless, and nothing is worth holding on to. You know as well as anyone how fast love can vanish. How is Toudai, anyway?" Nii paused, and Sanzo braced himself, glaring at the blackening sky on the horizon and letting it mute any reaction he might have wanted to have. "Ah, and how about that boy you're seeing? Goku, isn't it?"
That could not stand. "Stay away from him."
"Oh, I make no promises." Nii chuckled again, and Sanzo seethed, grinding his heels down. "But really now, Kouryuu, if things are as you want to think they are, what do you have to be afraid of?"
"Sanzo?"
That voice wasn't on the phone. Sanzo pivoted around and found Goku on the sidewalk behind him, oil still smudging his cheek and his backpack in hand. Sanzo heard the other end of the line hang up and dropped his arm, then stared warily at Goku. Goku gawked at him – he could tell he was pale, his face felt like it had been dunked in ice water – but Sanzo tried to shake it off and approach him.
"What are you doing here?" He studied Goku's face as Goku, frowning, seemed to do the same in return.
"Um. I work that way –" He pointed behind him. "And the bus home is this way." He pointed down the sidewalk, then grinned. "I'm surprised you're here this late, though. Is something wrong?"
His smile was so innocent, Sanzo almost couldn't stand it right now. "Nii called me. Just to tell me Hakkai went back to him."
That wiped that smile off. "Wh-what?!" Goku's jaw dropped. "But… he…" His wide eyes were nearly wet, gaze darting to and fro like a bird panicking in a cage. "I thought… he and Gojyo…" Goku motioned vaguely, then threw his hands up. "What about Gojyo?"
"Who knows? Hopefully he has sense enough to kick Hakkai to the curb when he finds out, nobody deserves that." Sanzo crossed his arms tight, stress tightening his jaw and making him grind his teeth. Goku shook his head with frantic horror.
"No, no way! Gojyo cares about him, a lot! Plus, Nii's a jerk, maybe he's lying."
"He's not lying." Even thinking about the proof he'd seen made Sanzo feel a little sick under his anger.
"But…" Goku swallowed. "They're supposed to be together."
"So what?" Sanzo dug out a cigarette, his fingers trembling through the practiced motions, and he shook his head to himself. The tension was in his knuckles, his knees, everything, and even Goku's presence was starting to erode at what was left of his energy. "Shit changes. Sometimes, something like that just isn't worth holding onto. If Gojyo's smart, he'll let go and get over it."
Goku bit his lip and let his gaze tip towards the ground. "No. Love changes with you. When you love someone, when you really love 'em, you change with 'em! The only reason you should stop is if they don't change with you, and I know Gojyo, I know he can do it for Hakkai!"
"What the fuck do you even know?" Sanzo hadn't meant for it to come out so harsh, but everything felt too raw. Even when Goku grabbed his chin and forced him to meet his eyes, knocking the cigarette from his mouth, his annoyance snapped straight to apoplexy, even as Goku said it:
"Because I'd do it for you. I love you, Sanzo."
Oh, fuck, Sanzo couldn't have heard that. Goku's eyes, so bright, so determined, were drilling into him, his lips set in a thin, serious line, confidence in his stance, and Sanzo wanted to melt. He should have known, he should have thought, but he didn't want to hear it. Everything that meant, everything that could have meant, his memories and conflicts swarmed up over him, it can't last, it won't last, it'll vanish, it'll be snatched away from me! And Sanzo locked up, jaw tight, shoulders back, joints tight like they'd been drilled in place. "You have no idea what that means."
"Yes I do!" Goku advanced another step, and Sanzo had to will himself against the urge to retreat, he couldn't show weakness, not now. "It means I wanna stay with you, no matter what, and–"
"You have no idea!" Sanzo shoved Goku back. Hurt flashed through Goku's expression, but Sanzo gritted his teeth. "Sure, it changes. It changes, it leaves, it dies."
"No, dammit! Maybe sometimes, but not all the time!" Goku held his hands out towards Sanzo. "Why don't you believe me? And if you didn't want love – if you didn't think you liked me like that, then why did you want to see me at all?"
Sanzo flinched, but he shook his head. "It doesn't matter."
"But… I care about you!" Despair tinged Goku's voice, his eyes going wide. "Does that mean anything to you?"
Sanzo felt an ache in him, accompanied by the sudden notion that this was his turning point. Either he accepted what Goku was offering, and all the risks that came with it, or he throw it away.
He hardened his heart and made the only smart decision.
"No."
Goku staggered back, as sure as if he'd taken a blow to the chest, but Sanzo held firm, as hard as the concrete under his shoes. Then, Goku sucked his lip in and tried to will the emotion from his face. "Fine." He lowered his head. "Tell Mr. Koumyou and Mr. Toudai I'll miss 'em. I won't bother you anymore." With that, he charged off in the direction he'd been heading, face down, arms crossed tight over his chest.
So much of Sanzo wanted to reach for him, to chase after him, to try to explain, "this is for your own good, you don't want to learn the hard way," but for Goku, this was probably hard enough. He wouldn't understand. He wouldn't want to.
His knees were shaking, his throat hurt. He wished the clouds would come back, blot out the moonless evening sky, and drown the rain that threatened to spill from his eyes and down his face, but he swallowed hard, pushed it all back, and tried to reassure himself: "Just let it go." He shook his head and tried to turn for his car, already feeling lost.
Maybe the world really had gone crazy.