Genre: Humor
Rating: T
Characters: too many to name individually
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.
Seireitei message board 2
From: Hitsugaya-taichou
To: Everybody
I'd like everyone to remember that my name is Hitsugaya-taichou, not Hitsugaya kun, not Shiro-chan and HELL NO "sweet little cutie-pie Shiro-wiro." I refuse to be held responsible for what happens to people who cannot use my proper title.
From: Kotetsu Kiyone
To: Kotsubaki Sentarou
I'm really never, ever talking to you again, Ape-man. I mean it.
From: Soifon-taichou
To: Everybody
Did you see a black cat? If so, please tell me where did Yoruichi II go.
From: Yamamoto-sotaichou
To: Hitsugaya-taichou
You cannot freeze people just because you don't like the way they address you. If you do, I refuse to be held responsible for what happens to you. Oh, and before I forget, I'm sending somebody to examine your collection of life-sized, anatomically perfect ice statues.
From: Unohana-taichou
To: Eleventh Division
Please cease bullying my subordinates and beating them up. Otherwise the next time you beat each other bloody during your regular brawls there would be nobody to patch you up.
From: Kotsubaki Sentarou
To: Kotetsu Kiyone
I really don't care, Booger-Girl. Not even a tiny little bit.
From: Yamada Hanatarou
To: Anybody
Help! There are Hollows in the sewers! I was attacked by one that looked like a cat! I barely fought it off!
From: Zaraki-taichou
To: Aramaki Makizou
Take care of Yachiru. She's sick and we have to go on a mission.
From: Ukitake-taichou
To: Sweet Little Cutie-Pie Shiro-Wiro
Happy Birthday, Shiro-chan! Here are your presents and your favorite candy! I hope you like them!
From: Madarame Ikkaku
To: Unohana-taichou
It's not our fault your subordinates are such wimps. We're doing our best to toughen them up
From: Aramaki Makizou
To: Fourth Division
Help! What am I supposed to do with a sick kid? Yachiru sneezes and coughs all the time!
From: Hitsugaya-taichou
To: Ukitake-taichou
Thanks for the thought, but its not even my birthday. And what were the platform shoes supposed to mean? Are you deliberately goading me?
From: Soifon-taichou
To: Yamada Hanatarou
So it was you who hurt Yoruichi II! I'll get to you as soon as I finish with the ice statues.
From: Iemura Yasochika
To: Aramaki Makizou
Don't you Eleventh-Division types know anything? Give her some cough medicine and tea.
From: Ayasegawa Yumichika
To: Unohana-taichou
Being week isn't beautiful. As Ikkaku said, we're helping your subordinates.
From: Matsumoto-fukutaichou
To: Ukitake-taichou
What taichou meant to say was that he liked your gift a lot. He wore it in his room when he thought nobody could see him and pretended he was all grown-up. He looked so cute.
From: Ukitake-taichou
To: Everybody
Who took my cough medicine? Please give it back. It's a special mixture and available only on prescription. It's dangerous to take it, especially if you don't know the correct dose. You don't want to know what happens when you overdose.
From: Soifon-taichou
To: Yamamoto-sotaichou
Where did you say Hitsugaya's ice statues collection was again? I cannot find it anywhere.
From: Unohana-taichou
To: Kurotsuchi-taichou
I don't care what kind of research you do, but please keep it contained within your laboratory. If one of your experiments escapes again, I'm having you personally scrub every little drop of blood left in its trail.
From: Kotetsu Kiyone
To: Ukitake-taichou
I'm sorry I didn't guard your cough medicine properly! Punish me!
From: Yamamoto-sotaichou
To: Hitsugaya-taichou
Don't hide the evidence, or I'll consider it a confession of your guilt.
From: Sasakibe-fukutaichou
To: Everybody
Who took my tea? It was a special brand that costs a year's wage! I'm going to make you pay.
From: Unohana-taichou
To: Yamada Hanatarou
Where are you? You missed the last officer's meeting. That's not like you.
From: Kotsubaki Sentarou
To: Ukitake-taichou
I'm more sorry! Punish me more!
From: Yamamoto-sotaichou
To: Shiba Kuukaku
When you have to test your Kakaku Cannon, please don't aim it at Seireitei. Thought some of the younger shinigami enjoyed the fireworks, it disrupter the order of Seireitei. Your family might be disgraced if you keep it up.
From: Kuchiki-taichou
To: Zaraki-taichou
Do you even realize you are responsible for the actions of your subordinates? Today Kusajishi-fukutaichou ran into my estate, tore down the whole east wing, caught all the fish in my koi ponds and roasted them over the fire from my prized cherry-blossom trees. When my servants attempted to stop her, she chased them away using my priceless collection of antique weapons and threw roof tiles from the west wing after them. I'll send the repair bill to you the moment I finish evaluating the damage. I'm sure you'll be paying for the next three millennia, if you live that long. P.S.: Come and get that pink menace down from that tree. If you don't, I'm going to use Senbonzakura on her.
From: Hitsugaya-taichou
To: Yamamoto-sotaichou
I don't know what are you talking about. Despite what everybody thinks, my ice statues aren't the frozen bodies of people I didn't like. You can come look yourself.
From: Shirogane Mihane
To: Rikichi
Though your admiration of Abarai-fukutaichou is commendable, the new tattoos and bleached hair don't make you look like him, but like an idiot. You're embarrassing the entire division. Try buying the same sunglasses as Abarai-fukutaichou instead. We're having a sale.
From: Yamamoto-sotaichou
To: Zaraki-taichou and Kuchiki-taichou
You know captains aren't supposed to fight each other. You're both in trouble.
From: Kotetsu Kiyone
To: Kotsubaki Sentarou
Don't copy me, Monkey-Face!
From: Soifon-taichou
To: Yamamoto-sotaichou
I examined the statues. It's really just ice. I believe it's just a coincidence one of them looks like Matsumoto. They are very pretty statues. I especially appreciate the one that looks like Hanatarou.
From: Shiba Kuukaku
To: Yamamoto-sotaichou
My family was already disgraced, you senile old fart! I'll aim my cannon wherever I want! By the way, what are the coordinates to your house?
From: Unohana-taichou
To: Everybody
Please try not to get severely injured today. Between Kurotsuchi's runaway experiment, Yachiru's rampage and the fight between Kuchiki-taichou and Zaraki-taichou, the Fourth Division Relief Station is already bursting at the seams. We weren't so busy since the last war.
From: Yamamoto-sotaichou
To: Hitsugaya-taichou
That doesn't count as a proof of your innocence. You had enough time to switch them.
From: Kuchiki-taichou
To: Yamamoto-sotaichou
The barbarian attacked me. I was merely defending myself.
From: Kotsubaki Sentarou
To: Kotetsu Kiyone
Who would ever copy you, Shrimp?
From: Shiba Ganjuu
To: Yamamoto-sotaichou
Big sister can aim her cannon wherever she wants! And Seireitei is the perfect target. Lots of shinigami inside.
From: Zaraki-taichou
To: Yamamoto-sotaichou
Nobody gets away with threatening Yachiru. I had to put the flower-wielding pansy to his place.
From: Rikichi
To: Shirogane Mihane
Just how rich do you think I am? Even Renji cannot afford your goods. And I spent the last of my wages in the tattoo parlor.
From: Kuchiki Rukia
To: Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentarou
Why did you two have to start talking to each other again? It was so peaceful here while you didn't.