"Have you heard from her?" is the first thing I say when Paula opens the door.

It's been a week since Sochi and, except for a few texts, I haven't heard from Mac. Paula and I have only sent texts or emails too so I need to talk to someone who has connected with Mac. I'm desperate to know how she is, what she's doing, if she needs anything. I've been crazy trying to get in touch with her. I wanted to fly directly to Toronto from Sochi when I heard about her dad but we had practice and then games. Of course I needed to get home to Lizzy too.

"How are you Sid?" Paula asks me.

"Crazy" I respond and walk through the open door. "Have you talked to Mac? How is she?"

I follow Paula to the living room area of the hotel room. She sits in her usual chair but I can't stay still so I pace the room.

"I've spoken with her a few times" Paula says.

Desperate for any scrap of information, I sit facing Paula and ask "How is she? How is she doing? Does she need anything?"

"She's coping Sid. Her father's status hasn't changed. He's hasn't regained consciousness and there is a ventilator breathing for him. Her aunt and cousins, as well as her friends, have been there for her. I was able to get a lengthy layover in Toronto as I was flying here from Montreal and spent some time with her."

She's seen Mac? Why didn't she tell me?

"How is she Paula? Really?"

"She's a mess Sid. As you'd expect. Her relationship with her father is complicated, to say the least, and she's already lost one parent. She doesn't have siblings so she's feeling a little like an orphan."

It's killing me that I can't talk to Mac myself or go to her when she needs help. She must feel so alone even with her friends and family. Unconsciously, I rub my chest over my heart. I don't notice what I'm doing until I see Paula's eyes drop down my hand.

"Tell me about that" she says and nods to my hand on my chest.

"What do you mean?"

"You rub your chest because you're itchy, have a pulled muscle or are trying to rub an ache in your heart. So, tell me about it Sid."

"I don't know about all that but I'm worried about Mac. I haven't talked to her since before the last game in Sochi. We've messaged back and forth but our schedules don't match up. I've tried to call, a lot, but have never reached her. I'm really worried."

"Ok, but that's about her. What about you?"

"Now I really don't know what you mean?"

"Do you have a pulled muscle in your chest?"

"No" I answer.

"Are you itchy?"

"No" I answer again.

"So, why does your heart hurt?"

"Why does my heart have to hurt?"

"Sidney, at some point you are go going to have to stop answering my questions with another question? If not, this is going to be a very long and tedious hour for both of us."

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"I have never wanted you to say anything but what you want to say, what you feel or want to talk about."

"I still don't know what to say."

"Sid, you sent me an urgent text two days ago begging me to come see you. I was able to move my office hours at the university and here I am. You had a reason to bring me hear and it wasn't to ask me how Mac is doing. Why am I here?"

I feel the panic rise from my stomach, through my chest and up further until I blurt out "she said she loved me and now she's just gone!"

Paula sits back in her chair now and sips her water. Isn't she going to say anything? Doesn't she have a question to ask me now?

"Well?" I ask her.

"When did this happen?"

"It was our last night in Sochi. Mac thought I was asleep when she said it, but I heard her."

"You didn't tell her that you heard her."

She doesn't say it as a question. She knows that I didn't tell Mac that I heard her.

"How did you feel when you heard those words Sid?"

"She used my full name" I whisper thinking back to that moment.

"What do you mean?"

"She said 'I love you Sidney'. She used my full name."

"That's what you thought, what went through your head; but, what did you feel?"

"Panic" I answer honestly and think back to the exact moment. "Confused. We're friends."

"What were you doing before she thought you were asleep and she said it?"

I guess I need to confess. "We were having sex while we were in Sochi."

"So you just had sex, Mac thought you were asleep, and she told you that she loves you?"

"Yeah."

"Why do you think she said that to you?"

"Fuck if I know Paula."

"Does she love you?"

"She said it."

"That's not what I asked you Sid. Does she love you?"

"How would I know?"

"You've been in love before, at least once with Cat. Why did she say it?"

"She's confusing friendship and great sex with love" I say. Even to my ears it sounds weak.

"You haven't known Mac very long but does she seem like someone who would be confused about her feelings."

I have to admit "no."

"Then why did she say she loves you?"

"She can't really love me."

"Why not Sid? Why do you think that she couldn't love you?"

I don't have an answer.

Paula continues "sometimes people think that they aren't worth loving."

"That's not me" I tell her.

"I know that's not you; but, it's a reason. What is yours? Why don't you think Mac could love you?"

"I don't know."

"Think about it."

Paula sits there and looks at me in her non-judgemental, abundantly patient way that drives me nuts. She will sit there and wait for me to answer.

"Can someone fall in love that fast?" I ask unable to think of anything else.

"How long did it take with you and Cat?"

Oh. Yeah, we weren't together long at all.

"It was quick."

"Ok, so it can happen quickly. Why do you think it couldn't happen quickly with Mac? What happens if she loves you?"

I don't answer. I really don't know what to say.

"What are you afraid could happen if she loves you Sid?"

"She could get hurt. I've already hurt her."

"Yeah, if she feels that way then you probably have. What else are you afraid of?"

"That I can't give her what she wants or needs."

"True, you may not be able to give her what she wants or needs. What else are you afraid of?"

"I could hurt her Paula. I never thought of that until, well, something happened before Christmas and I know that I can hurt her if I'm not careful."

"You've already said that you're afraid that you could hurt her. What else are you afraid of?"

She's unrelenting with the question. Over and over she asks me what else, what else am I afraid of? There's nothing else. What else would I be afraid of if not hurting Mac?

"Sid, think carefully, there has to be something else that you're afraid of doing or not doing. There are more to your panic attacks then being afraid that you'll hurt her. What else Sid? What else is there?"

"I could love her back!" I blurt out.

Paula tilts her head and gives me a soft, supportive smile.

"Yeah Sid, you could love her back."

Now I sit back in my chair. Is that why I panicked, why I keep panicking? Is this why I try to keep my distance but never can? Is this why I'm so tied up inside? I stare at my bottle of water for a long time. Shit, I lose track of how long. Finally I look up at Paula.

"So let's say that you do love her back. What's wrong with that?"

Is she really asking me that question? She has to know how I'm going to answer her. It's obvious.

"Paula, Cat hasn't been dead a year. I'm trying to raise a three year old without her mother. There's everything wrong with feeling that way about Mac."

"Why?"

Is she being dense or does she really not get it?

"The woman I loved and lost hasn't even been dead a year. There's no way that I could be in love again."

"Why not?"

"What the fuck Paula? Don't you get it? It's just wrong."

"Why?"

Now I'm getting pissed off.

"It's disrespectful to Cat and Lizzy."

"What does Lizzy think of Mac?"

I immediately remember all of the drawings posted on Mac's office wall.

"Lizzy adores her."

"So if it's not about Lizzy, how is it disrespectful to Cat?"

"How is it not Paula?"

"I don't understand Sid."

"If I was to fall in love then it would be like I'm disrespecting Cat's memory. I was going to spend the rest of my life with her. If she could be replaced so easily and so quickly, what does that say about our love?"

Oh my God. Oh my God.

"Something is happening right now Sid. What's going on inside your head?"

I can't say a word. I can't even put my feelings into thoughts never mind into words.

"Ok Sid, let's start here. What would Cat say to you if she was here, right now?"

"She'd probably call me an idiot" I blurt out.

I look at Paula and we both chuckle.

"Why would she call you an idiot?" she asks.

"Because I'm so worried about what she would think or if I'm hurting her and she's gone. She would call me an idiot for worrying so much."

"So why are you worrying?"

I can't come up with a good reason.

"Good question" I reply.

"Sid, we've talked about survivor's guilt and it doesn't really apply to you, but there are other types of guilt. Do you remember how guilty you felt about your parents moving to Pittsburgh to help you take care of Lizzy? When you talked to your parents at Christmas about it, what did they say?"

"Mom was hurt and dad got mad."

"Why?"

"They didn't like that I said they sacrificed anything to move to Pittsburgh and help me raise Lizzy. She's their first grandchild and they consider it a blessing to spend so much time with her and see her grow up."

"Do you remember how much guilt you felt before that conversation?"

"Yeah."

"And it was unfounded then, why do you feel guilt now?"

"I told you, it's about Cat."

"You've never mentioned any guilt about Cat before, why now?"

She's right that I never felt guilt about Cat before, so why now?

Maybe "is it because I'm having sex with Mac? Or that I could fall in love with her?"

Paula sits there looking at me. I know she does that when she wants me to figure something out myself but I really don't know the answer this time. Paula takes pity on me.

"You and Mac seem to have a strong chemistry."

The change in direction of the conversation catches me off guard.

"Yeah" I answer.

"Personally, you had a quick connection from the beginning?"

"Yeah."

"And physically, the connection was, and still is, strong too?"

"Oh yeah" I say and can't help seeing an image of Mac flash through my brain; mostly naked and mostly crying out my name as she cums.

"So why couldn't that turn into love Sid? If Cat weren't part of this, what would you think about your relationship with Mac?"

I've never considered that before. What if I met Mac a year ago before I ever met Cat?

"Process out loud Sid."

"I was considering exactly what you said. What if I met Mac a year ago before I met Cat? Mac and I are actually perfect for each other. She played hockey so she gets the schedule and the need to practice, work out and focus. She's independent so I wouldn't need to worry if she's alone for a week or more while I travel. We could even talk hockey, scout games together and dissect plays."

"So all you have in common is hockey?"

"No" I reply. I'm not explaining myself very well. "We laugh, a lot. We love the same stupid movies and making fun of people running who don't know how. She hates war movies but puts up with them for me and then makes fun of them at dinner afterward. She's incredibly insightful and thoughtful. She's really creative too. The idea to bring Alvin Law to a team event was inspired. There's nothing I can't talk to her about. She can help me with anything, any problem I'm having or shit I can't figure out. Mac can always break through the shit and help me find a solution."

"So, Mac does a lot for you. She helps you and you have a quite a bit in common."

"Yeah, whenever something happens, I always look for her. She can always make stuff easier to figure out. I can talk to her about anything."

"What about Cat? What were you like together? Tell me more about her."

"Cat was an incredibly mom. I think that's the first thing that I noticed about her. She loved Lizzy so much and always knew exactly what to do. Now that I'm a dad, I don't know how she did it. The first time we broke up was because I disappointed Lizzy. Cat really got pissed at that and wasn't sure she wanted me to be around Lizzy. When we got back together, we did so without involving Lizzy until we were sure that it was serious. When we knew, we told Lizzy and became a family."

"Sid, have you noticed that when you talk about Cat, it's always about her as a mom?"

"What do you mean?"

"When you talked about Mac, you said what you have in common, her attributes like being a great listener, independent and creative. When you talk about Cat, it's almost exclusively about her as a mom."

That can't be right. Cat was much more than a good mom. She was … hmm.

"Let's go back to the guilt you feel about Cat. Where does that come from?"

"I still don't know Paula."

"Think about it again."

"She never got to see Lizzy grow up Paula."

"Right, but that's not where the guilt comes from, is it?"

"No, I guess not."

"If we go back a year again, and pretend that you met Mac and you never met Cat, what would your future be? What do you see when you think about a future with her?"

"I don't think about her that way Paula. How would I know what a future would be like with her?"

"Think about it now Sid."

What the fuck? I get up and pace the room. What is this going to get us?

"Why?" I ask.

"Play a game of 'what if' with me Sid. What if you and Mac had met? What might your future be?"

I try to think about it but all I can see is Cat.

"Paula, I didn't have a future planned with Mac. My future was with Cat and Lizzy. I was going to spend my life with Cat."

"So what did you image for your future with Cat?"

I think about it and can't help but smile.

"I see Lizzy growing up and Cat and I sending her off to her first day of school. The summers would be spent at home and mostly on the water. Lizzy loves the boat. Cat and I would wait at home for Lizzy to come home from her first date – when she's thirty years old of course."

"That's a nice future Sid."

"Yeah" I answer wistfully.

"It's a nice future with Lizzy. I asked about Cat."

Confused, I turn to her and say "I told you."

"You told me about Lizzy's future, Cat's there, but it's your future with Lizzy."

"Of course I talked about Lizzy. She's our daughter."

"Yeah, but what about Cat? Take Lizzy out of the picture. What is the future like between you and Cat?"

I try to imagine it and I can't. There's no future, no imagining that doesn't include Lizzy.

"What is that future like between you and Cat?"

I still can't see it. I try, hard, but can't see it. I feel my heart beat faster and feel a little dizzy. Why can't I see it? Why the hell can't I see the future I was going to have with Cat? I loved her. Why can't I see it?

"Sid, why don't you sit down? You're very pale."

I hear Paula talking and the words but I don't move.

"Please Sid, sit down and have a drink of water."

I still can't move. When I feel her hand on my arm, I snap my head to look at her.

"I can't see it Paula. I can't see the future we would have had."

"Why Sid?"

I feel sweat break out over my entire body. My vision blurs again. Over and over in my head, chants why? Why? Why?

"Think about it Sid. Why?"

"I don't know. It should be so simple. It should be right in front of me. Why can't I see it?"

"Try Sid. Think about Cat and what your future would be like."

"I can't" I shout.

"Why Sid?"

"Because without Lizzy, we wouldn't have had a future!"

My vision completely blurs and I feel Paula guide me to the sofa to sit down. She pushes my head down between my legs and I can feel her hand stroking my back. That's not going to help so I run to the washroom.

I lose everything that's in my stomach and maybe some stomach lining too. I sit on the floor beside the toilet and try to catch my breath. Slowly, my heart rate returns to normal. My vision clears. I manage to get up and look at myself in the mirror. I'm sweaty and pale.

Splashing water on my face helps. I see the travel sized hotel mouthwash and take a couple of swigs. I feel almost normal.

I find Paula sitting in her chair and a fresh bottle of water on the coffee table for me. I drop into the chair and take a swig.

"Better?" Paula asks.

I can only nod.

"I'd say that's been coming for a while Sid."

"Yeah."

"Sid, let's talk for just a few minutes more. I don't like to leave a session with puking."

That makes me chuckle.

"Ok" I reply. "I did love her Paula."

"Of course you did Sid" she says with a small smile. "Ok, given everything we discussed today, consider this: you don't believe that you and Cat would have been together without Lizzy and then Mac tells you that she loves you. Let's go back to why you feel guilty and have been panicking."

There's no more guilt or panic. Instead I feel a complete sadness wash over me. I know how to answer the question now.

"Cat and I would never have stayed together if it wasn't for Lizzy. Even with Lizzy, we may never have lasted. We really had nothing in common as a couple."

"And?" Paula asks

"And Mac and I have everything in common as a couple."

"And?"

"And, I could fall in love with her."

"And?"

"And I can see a future with her."

I feel the sadness pressing down on my shoulders and squeezing my heart. What the fuck do I do now?

"Ok, why don't we leave this there for now Sid?"

Leave it there for now? Where else is there to go?