Chapter 35 - And I don't deserve you

Quinn cried even harder when she realized it really was Rachel's arms around her. She held Rachel so tightly that she knew it would hurt her, but she couldn't take any chances on losing Rachel again. The doctor soon left the room, leaving the two of them alone, much for Quinn's relief.

After long minutes of incontrollable sobs, Quinn was able to begin to calm down. But then, she had to deal with the shame of having Rachel seen her like that - while she was completely broken down. She had seen Rachel in the same situation several times, but when it was her turn, she was much more insecure than she should be. She had always been taught that people would admire her for her strength, and she wished Rachel wouldn't have seen that so weak side of her.

"Hey..." Rachel's sweet voice called her, bringing her back from her thoughts. It was just as if Rachel knew she needed to be reassured. "Are you feeling better?" She asked in a murmur, with her lips brushing gently against Quinn's hair. Quinn kept her face hidden on the girl's neck, still too shy to look up.

"Yeah." Quinn answered after gathering up courage. She was suddenly much more conscious that she still didn't know how much time had passed since the last time she saw Rachel, or the last time she showered, for what mattered. "Mhm- Could you perhaps help me get to the bathroom?" She asked timidly. Her legs still didn't feel as steady as she wished, and she made a mental note to eat something as soon as she was done showering.

"Of course I can! C'mere!" Rachel said, propping herself on the bed to support both of them and getting up, bringing Quinn along. She shoved Quinn's arm around her neck, and wrapped Quinn's waist, helping her to walk slowly towards the bathroom. "Do you wanna take a shower? I can help you." Rachel offered kindly.

"You don't have to, I- It's okay. I got it." Quinn acted overly confident, trying to maintain the rest of dignity she had. But just as usual, Rachel saw right through her. Time apart wouldn't be enough take this ability away from Rachel.

"Quinn, that's nonsense. You're still weak, let me help you. It's not like we haven't done this before. And you have helped me, too. It's fine, baby!" Rachel reassured her, stroking her cheek softly and dropping a kiss there.

Quinn had always been there for Rachel, but she had never had anyone being there for her. She learned to go through all of her problems alone, and although she didn't have exactly the best coping skills, it's how she dealt with it. She felt slightly uncomfortable being taken care of, because she had always been the done taking care of others. But when Rachel looked at her with so much concern and endearment in her eyes, Quinn couldn't say no.

Once she was clean again, the nurses changed her sheets so that she could lay down. The bedroom was already smelling much better, and Quinn felt almost clean from the heavy medicines. She just had to eat and she would be fine. Luckily, her food was brought to her room, as well as Rachel's. She wouldn't admit, but she was glad to see how the staff was being kind to her.

It was magical to see how her stomach suddenly stopped complaining about the food, just because of Rachel's company. They went through dinner almost in silence, being broken only by talking about nothing particularly important. They didn't need to talk to enjoy each other's presence. Being there was enough, for both of them.

When Rachel laid down next to her, Quinn felt a sudden urge to cry. But it was a good kind of crying. A crying of deep relief, of coming back to where she belonged. However, none of them could deny the air was different since they last saw each other. There was too much mystery about the days they were apart, and Quinn knew for sure she wasn't the only one the therapist tried to convince that a separation would be the best way of dealing with their cases. Just as every other time, Rachel sensed Quinn's anxiety and started the so needed conversation.

"I missed sleeping with you..." Rachel whispered, cuddling up against Quinn's side. "My fathers aren't even near as comfortable as you are."

"I missed you too." Quinn said, smiling lightly. Her cheeks hurt. She probably had spent so many days without smiling that her muscles forgot how it felt. "But is nice that you got to spend time with them." Quinn tried to see the bright side, which was just one of the so many things Rachel had taught her. "How was it?" Quinn didn't have to be any more specific. She knew Rachel would know exactly what to answer.

"Scary, at first." Rachel sighed, and Quinn watched as she licked her trembling lip. "They wouldn't tell me exactly what was happening until they contacted my fathers. I slept there alone the first night, and I just didn't knew what was wrong with me, and I wanted you to be there..." Quinn wrapped her arm around Rachel protectively. It was good to know she wasn't alone in her feelings. "I thought that if I asked for you they would bring you, like they did in that exam. But they told me you were already asleep, and once they gave me the sleeping pill I was knocked down for hours."

"I wasn't." Quinn said, as serious as she could. "Just so you know."

"What?" Rachel asked, in a small frown of confusion.

"I didn't sleep at all that night." Quinn confessed, and Rachel smiled shyly. "I was dead worried. They told me you had to be transferred to an E.R. but didn't gave me any more details and I just…" She sighed, trying not to let her eyes tear up again. "I mean, you could have been dead and I wouldn't know. It was horrible, to say the least." Rachel nodded in comprehension, and Quinn chuckled lightly before nodding towards the closet. "I slept there. To feel closer to you."

"I love you." It was all Rachel could say back, but they both knew it was more than enough. It was everything Quinn needed to hear after those last days. "I asked about you everyday, and they always told me you were fine. When they told me you were sedated and they would transfer me back to help to wake you up…" Rachel sighed, shaking her head quietly in disbelief. "I never felt so betrayed. They're my doctors. How can I trust them when they lied about this? They knew how important it was for me to know that you were okay..." Rachel completed, and Quinn nodded. She was glad to see Rachel felt the same way as she had always felt.

"I'm just glad this is over. It was worse than my worst nightmare." Quinn murmured, dropping a kiss on the top of Rachel's hair and tightening the embrace. Rachel looked up at her with a smile, and gave a peck on her lips before settling her head down on Quinn's chest.

"I can't believe you did this, Quinn..." Rachel sighed, running the tip of her finger on the stitches on Quinn's forehead. Quinn tensed up and bit her lip, knitting her eyebrows together. Rachel's touch had never been undesired, but there was something about the way she said it that made Quinn slightly uncomfortable.

"Don't judge me." Quinn said. She intended to have more authority in her voice, but it cracked and slipped out of her mouth sounding more as a plea.

"I'm not!" Rachel corrected, shaking her head. "I mean, who am I to judge anything..." She chuckled lightly, before completing. "But you can't do this. I know you were upset, but if anything, you should know already that I don't like it when you hurt yourself."

"Well, it worked, didn't it?" Quinn shrugged with a smile, trying to lighten up the mood. "You're back, and that's all that matters."

"I know, but..." Rachel chewed her cheeks, and Quinn could see she was thinking of how she would say what she wanted to. "What if I hadn't? I need to know that you would be okay, you know, in case it ever happens again. You need to be okay."

"It was our therapist, wasn't it?" Quinn shook her head, with a small nervous laugh. "She told you that. She said we're too dependent on each other."

"How did you-" Rachel asked, frowning. Quinn cut her short before she could end.

"She told me the same thing, Rachel. And I honestly hope you didn't believe her, specially now that you have seen how they are manipulating us to try and keep us apart." Quinn realized she sounded harsher than she intended, and swallowed hard waiting for Rachel to have any reaction.

"It's not like I fell for it but… Well, she does have a point, Quinn." Rachel said shyly, avoiding Quinn's eyes. "I mean, can I really say that I've made any progress? I can go out and eat and be alright when you're with me, but I can't do it alone. Am I really any better?" She questioned with a sigh, and Quinn closed her eyes tightly. It was like this nightmare wouldn't ever end. "It's not like I can expect you to be with me all the time… I need to be able to do things on my own."

"I don't mind being with you all the time. In fact, that's why I married you, remember?" Quinn forced a smile, trying to hide her fears and make Rachel forget everything she had been told.

"But what if you can't? Let's say we get out of here together, and we're married and happy. But then one day you get a cold and you're feeling very bad and I want to go and buy some medicines for you. I would need to be able to go out on my own. I can't rely on you forever." Rachel explained, searching for Quinn's eyes this time, trying to make her understand. "It's not that I don't want to be with you all the time, is that I need to be able to in an emergency."

"Okay." Quinn gave in. She could fight forever, but she knew Rachel had a point. She couldn't stop Rachel from getting better just because she liked the feeling of protecting her. "We can work on that." She sighed, but smiled to reassure Rachel. She would need to work on that with herself first, to then be able to think of it without getting anxious.

"So, on to that…" Rachel cleared her throat, giving back the smile she got. "They introduced me to a boy on E.R. He's here at the mental ward too, but he's younger than us. He's like 13, I think. His name is Joel. And he doesn't have any friends either, so they thought it would be nice for us to bond. I actually managed to get a small talk going with him, and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be."

Quinn felt her blood running thicker and her heart beating faster. She knew she shouldn't get intimidated by such a young boy, specially taken that Rachel was a lesbian, but she couldn't help it. She hadn't fought so hard to lose Rachel now. Although Rachel would probably not reciprocate anything, she knew this could not be enough to prevent the boy from trying. Quinn knew boys. And that's why she didn't like them.

"So you just talked? And that was it?" Quinn checked, swallowing dryly and rubbing a hand on her forehead. She didn't want Rachel to see how upset she had gotten over it, but she had never been able to hide anything from Rachel.

"Don't be jealous, Quinn. He's a kid!" Rachel replied playfully, poking Quinn's ribs and dropping a kiss on her cheek. "Besides, I'm married. To you."

"I'm not jealous." Quinn frowned. "I'm just curious, about the things you were doing. With him. And without me."

"That sounds a lot like jealously to me. But there's really no reason for it, okay? I'll tell you about everything we do." Rachel reassured her, brushing a thumb on Quinn's cheek. Rachel's touch had always have a magical calming effect on Quinn, but not this time.

"I think- I think I actually would rather not know." Quinn answered, scrunching up her nose and then shaking her head to try and shake off the thoughts that haunted her. "Can we go to sleep? I'm tired. It's been a long day."

"Yeah, okay." Rachel nodded. "Goodnight, Quinn. I love you, okay? I love you very much." Rachel whispered into her ear, dropping a kiss on her neck that made her whole body shiver.

She hated how she could never be mad at Rachel.

When they walked hand in hand into the cafeteria, and Quinn felt everyone's eyes on them, she felt different. It was relieving that they didn't have to hide it from everyone anymore. She felt proud to let people know Rachel was hers – especially considering Rachel would now start to try making friends, it was good to know people knew they shouldn't try any funny business with her girl. But most of all, Quinn was happy to have Rachel back. Their little routine was odd when compared to most couples, but they've found peace in it. Doing those little things together is what made hospital life feel less bad for them.

Quinn set her coat at the table they usually used and was moving to go grab her food when Rachel grabbed her by the arm, stopping her.

"Do you mind waiting a moment?" Rachel asked apprehensively. Quinn tilted her head in confusion, and Rachel cleared it up. "I wanted to try and go get my food alone. Could you wait here?" She said, bitting her lip.

"Oh, sure! Yeah! Go ahead!" Quinn replied with a vigorous nod, sitting down. She would always admire Rachel's courage. Besides, that didn't feel as bad as she expected the whole progress thing to be.

"But can you keep an eye on me? Like, anything happens..." Rachel asked, scrunching up her nose. Quinn could see that she was nervous, but that's what she loved the most about Rachel. She always faced her fears.

"Of course I can. I always will, love. But relax, nothing's gonna happen. You're fine!" Quinn reassured her, stroking her thumb on the back of Rachel's palm.

She blew Rachel a kiss and watched silently as Rachel went through all the stations. It was irrefutable that Rachel had everyone captivated by her at that institution. Quinn could see everyone of the lunch ladies smiling proudly as they disposed food in Rachel's tray, and Rachel always smiled back and gave them a small nod as a thank you. When Rachel came back, Quinn grinned excitedly and congratulated her from the bottom of her heart. It was baby steps, but she knew this is how it would be better for both of them.

Quinn couldn't ignore the effects of the mixed medication in her body. They had changed her previous medication, taking the fact that she freaked out without Rachel as evidence that the medicine isn't working. Starting a brand new medication always gave her bad days, but starting a new one after being completely sedated for only God knows how long, managed to be even worse.

She was having mood swings that even though she fought hard, were getting harder to keep under control. Quinn felt trapped in an endless PMSing week, so strong that not even she could stand herself and her moods. Rachel understood her. She always did. She had been through medication changes too, and she knew how awful those were. She was being extra patient with every whine or complaint Quinn did. But it was hard to be prepared when not even Quinn knew how sudden her mood could change.

Quinn and Rachel were happily hanging in their room after lunch. Again, routine did them well. Rachel drew while Quinn read, and as far as Quinn knew, they were both content. Even though they weren't chatting, Quinn thrived on knowing Rachel was just there. This was the only way she could concentrate enough to read. Knowing that if Rachel needed something she would be the first one to know was extremely comforting for her.

"Do you wanna go shower?" Quinn suggested, poking Rachel lightly with her feet. "I mean, since you have therapy in a few hours." It was such a small act, reminding Rachel of her few obligations. But it gave Quinn a sense of purpose, as if she were being useful for once.

"Actually, I had scheduled with Joel to meet at the arts and crafts room for half an hour before my therapy." Rachel said with a sigh, laying her head down on Quinn's legs. "The doctors said it would be good to schedule it like this, when I have something afterwards. Because knowing exactly how long it will last can help me stay less nervous."

"Oh..." Quinn mouthed, nodding her head with an annoyed pout, and pulling her legs to herself. Rachel's head fell on the mattress with a bump, and she frowned, rubbing the back of her head. Quinn wasn't sure what she hated more about all of this: the fact that Rachel was going to meet that boy, or the fact that she hadn't cared to tell Quinn before.

"But I mean… I can stay, I guess? If you want me to." Rachel answered with a small shrug and a forced smile. She had realized Quinn was unhappy, and was trying to cheer her up, as usual. But Quinn was finding it incredibly easier to resist to Rachel's tricks. And it scared her.

"No. Go." Quinn answered dryly, not lifting her eyes from the book. She had lost her ability to focus, and was just aimlessly skimming through the page to give the impression she was interested. Anything to avoid looking at Rachel's eyes.

"Quinn, I'm serious. I can stay if you need me." Rachel tried to soothe her, placing her hand carefully on top of Quinn's arm. Quinn had to stop herself from wincing in reflex. It was the kind of reflex Rachel had never triggered before, and it made Quinn swallow hard.

"I don't need you to pity me, Rachel. Just go. I'll be fine." Quinn breathed deeply. She didn't want to snap at Rachel, but she felt her insides burning with utter rage. She knew she was overreacting. She knew it was the medicine's fault. She knew she couldn't take it off on Rachel.

"Quinn, don't be like that…" Rachel pouted quietly, taking a streak of Quinn's hair and placing it behind her ear. "I came back for you. You should be supporting me!"

"Don't throw that on me. You came back because you missed me too. I'm not alone in this. You weren't doing me a favor." Quinn said harshly, looking deeply in Rachel's eyes. She saw Rachel shivering and her reflection in Rachel's eyes made herself shiver too. Rachel was scared. She wanted to stop. She didn't want to argue. But something kept pushing her further. "I supported you at lunch. You don't have to change everything about you on the same day."

"Of course I wanted to come back! I missed you, I love you. You don't need to lash out on me." Rachel whispered. Hearing her say she loved Quinn always made Quinn's heart melt. But in that day, Quinn didn't feel like it was enough. If she really did love Quinn, she wouldn't need other people. Or so Quinn thought. "You know, I'm not doing anything absurd. I'm just trying to make friends..."

"Yeah, it's easy to make friends when everyone is happy and laughing." Quinn said, sarcastically. "But when you have your meltdowns, I'm the one who's there for you. None of your new friends will. They won't help you like I do." Quinn's voice was getting louder, although she tried to stop herself. She hated people yelling. It reminded her too much of her father, and she really didn't want to become him. She was about to apologize, when Rachel cut her.

"You don't have to. If it's so hard for you." Rachel deadpanned with a serious nod, and Quinn felt her heart shattering. She had pushed Rachel too far. Even Rachel, the most patient human being Quinn had ever known, wasn't able to stand her. She knew this day would come sooner or later.

"You just- You don't understand..." Quinn sighed when her voice faltered. "It's not that I don't try, Rachel. I try, and I try so fucking hard, because I want to be worth of your love and your time. I wanna be funny and I wanna be smart and I wanna be pretty because I want you- I need you to love me. I need to deserve your love. But I do my best and still, I'm not enough. You feel like you need to get away, and you need friends. I wanted to be your friend." Quinn said, fluttering her eyes to avoid the tears from escaping. "I wanted to be everything for you." She whispered, almost apologetically.

"Quinn, this is not what this is about!" Rachel whined, shaking her head. "Come on, we've talked about this already! You are more than enough! I don't need anyone else to love! I couldn't love anyone as much as I love you. But I need to make friends as a part of my treatment! You can't be jealous-" But Quinn didn't let her continue, interrupting once more.

"I'm not jealous!" Quinn argued, chewing her inner cheek nervously.

"Quinn, you're crazy jealous!" Rachel laughed nervously.

"I'm not crazy!" Quinn yelled, and Rachel took a step back and swallowed dry in startle. And right there, Quinn saw it again. Her image in Rachel's eyes. The fear in Rachel's eyes. And she couldn't stand knowing she was the monster that was scaring Rachel this time. Quinn fell on her knees and buried her head within her arms. "I'm not crazy..." She whispered between sobs.

Rachel watched as Quinn broke down in front of her once more. Quinn hated herself. She hated that although this was the last thing she wanted to happen in front of Rachel, she wasn't strong enough to hold herself up. She hated she couldn't be as supportive as Rachel needed. And Quinn hated how Rachel could still kneel on the floor by her side, wrap her arms around her and look at her as if she was the best thing to ever happen in her life.

"You're not. You're not crazy." Rachel whispered, placing a kiss on the top of Quinn's head and running her fingers gently along Quinn's back. Quinn wanted to get herself up. She wanted to stand up by herself. But the moment Rachel's arms wrapped her, she melted completely into them. "I'm sorry, baby." Rachel whispered, and Quinn could do nothing but nod.

"I need help." Quinn stated, licking the tears off of her lips. "Those meds- I- I'm not okay." She cried, shaking her head. She was completely out of control of herself, and she absolutely hated it.

"You'll be okay. I know you will." Rachel whispered.

But this time, Quinn didn't know if she believed it.

A/N: Wow, this was a hard chapter to write and edit. My poor babies!

I just want to let you guys know that this will be the last chapter I'll be posting this year! I'll try to get off the computer and actually enjoy my Winter Break with people I love and haven't seen in a long time, so I won't be updating until next year. I hope you will all be waiting for me when I come back!

I plan on posting a Christmas ficlet on Monday though, and I would really appreciate it if you guys read it! I promise it will be sweet!

But most of all, I wanted to wish you all Happy Holidays! I know this time of the year can be hard on a lot of us, but just know that it will be over in a blink and we will all be back together next year :)

And as usual, don't forget to review!

xx