A/N: Thanks for the reviews. Hope to have more for this chapter. Enjoy and answer my poll please.

Chapter 36: Pain

The darkness was consuming. Even though I no longer had anything blocking me from seeing, I could not see. The air around me was tense and for a few minutes after I was done sobbing, my chest was tight and I couldn't breathe. I was positive I would have a panic attack and no one would find me in time. Not like Victor would care. He was a monster, a murderer just like Happy.

It was strange how I contrasted these two, knowing full well that what they did had no justifications and yet I let my mind ignore the fact that Happy was a killer. I never wanted to think of Happy as a cold blooded killer but I knew he was one. I lived around crime, death, and pain all because my father was apart of SamCro. Many times I wondered how life would be like with no SamCro in the way. Would I still have my mother? Would I be living with less burdens than I did now?

I couldn't breathe still, my head hurt and my chest was tight. "...please..." I pleaded with the darkness to come save me. "...help..." This feeling of suffocation was horrendous. I was clawing at the wooden floor trying to get air through but it was no use. The tense darkness and the memories were too strong for me to handle.

In this darkness, I never knew there could be more darkness...

"Mommy let's go." I heard a little girl whine, tugging at the sleeve of her mother. The woman looked down at the young girl, a smile on her face as she laughed lightly at her daughter's impatient tugging.

"Okay, okay." She grabbed the little girl's hand and led her out the door, sighing for a second, sighing so sadly it made the little girl and me feel something. I had an ache in my chest as I noticed the flicker of sadness on the woman's face. The look of a woman who had been through so much and each time ended up hurt.

"Momma?" The little girl squeezed her mother's hand with a worried look. She noticed her mother's change of emotions and it scared her, just like it did to me.

And just as the sadness had flickered in her eyes, it vanished. She smiled at her daughter trying to show her everything was fine when it clearly wasn't. The child was no fool, she knew her mother was sad but she had no idea how to help her mother. So the little girl did what she knew. She put on the same forced smile her mother did.

"Come on Angel."

I had been so young then, but not naive to what was happening around me. I may not have known everything but I knew nothing was as it seemed.

When I look back at all the memories I shared with my mother, I came to realize that the signs of her sadness, the stress and the problems were always there. The sudden death of my mother wasn't as sudden as I had seen. Victor truly wanted my mother dead and so that night, he let his anger out.

Anger doesn't lie.

We may hide behind masks but when we become so enraged, the mask comes off and the truth is revealed. The anger lets out what people refused to. Maybe that's why I had so many outbursts, I refused to let people know how I feel but then I get to the edge and I let out everything.

"...She's coming around..." I heard a voice say, a cool hand touching my burning forehead. There was hand on my shoulder too, squeezing gently.

"Damn kid is trouble." It was Victor, his voice the only one I was able to recognize in a second. I had no strength to open my eyes to see where I was. I felt sick and not the usual sick but more of tired sick. I just wanted to cry and I knew that was not a good sign seeing as I had been through much more than any kid my age should have. I remained still, wanting to sleep for a long while, not wanting to be faced with knowing I wasn't at home or safe.

"Get her in the spare room. Don't need her dying on me now." I flinched at his harsh words. I wasn't going to die on him. I felt arms lift me up, strong arms that reminded me of Happy's hugs and safety. Oh how I wanted him to get me out of here...

A door was open and I was placed on a soft bed and then it was quiet again. The door shut and I knew I was finally alone. So I did what I wanted.

I cried again.

Cried for my daddy to come save me and get rid of the pain I was feeling. Cried because I had no energy to fight the man who took away my loving mother and replaced her with a hole in my heart.

Please...

-o-o-o-o-o-

A little while later I finally woke up. I sat up on the bed in the dark room and hitched my knees up to my chest and hugged myself. I noticed a tray of food beside the bed along with a glass of water. I was neither hungry nor thirsty. I just wanted to go home.

I was home sick.

I laid my head on my knees and sat still for the longest, staring into the darkness at what I assumed was a wall. There was nothing going on outside my door, no light or noise or voices. Was everyone asleep? Guess it was better that way. I finally got to be alone.

Yet I wanted to be around everyone. I wanted my family. I wanted to see Gemma, laugh with James, hug my dad, get angry with the others. I just wanted that.

Why couldn't I have it? What had I done wrong?

Would things have been different if I was never apart of SamCro? I bet they were. SamCro was the downfall of my mother and soon me.

Words passed through my mind. Words I never thought I would think but I did. Words that would forever create the whole between me and those who cared for me.

I hate SamCro...