Amy left my room, pulling the door shut behind her and I closed my eyes, trying to steady my nerves. Derek was outside, waiting for me. I didn't even know what I was going to say to him. I just knew he couldn't find out we had Negan.

I climbed over Negan to get out of bed and took the knitted white blanket with me, wrapping it around my naked form. Surprisingly, Negan didn't say anything as I picked up my bra from the floor. Grabbing my jeans and a clean shirt, I rushed out to the bathroom to clean myself up.

Once I was decent and dressed, I went back to my room and grabbed a hairbrush to fix my tussled hair. Negan watched me in silence. I took a deep breath and then turned to him.

"Stay here," I ordered as I slipped on my shoes. Negan grinned at me.

"Want me to hide under the bed?" he teased.

I shook my head. I knew he was just joking, but I planned on keeping Derek outside, if I could. Negan appeared to be very calm about the situation and not in a least bit fazed that Derek was looking for him. I glanced over to where Negan was laying in my bed and at the gauze covering his gunshot wound. We'd been able to escape for a little bit, getting lost in each other, but now reality was crashing down again. If I wanted to protect him, I needed to get Derek to leave.

As I headed for the door, Negan's voice made me freeze in my tracks.

"You could solve a lot of fucking problems if you would just shoot the bastard."

Turning back to face him, I gave him a stern look.

"I could solve a lot of problems if I shot you too."

"Touché." Negan chuckled and then leaned back on the pillow, stretching.

Before he could say anything else, I pulled my door closed and headed down the hall towards the front doors of the school. Hurrying outside, I made my way over to the gate. It was dark out, and the only light that was shining was from a flashlight in Derek's hand.

I noticed Derek was standing on the threshold of the gate and Eric and Amy were with him. I smiled warmly at them as I approached, noting that I hadn't grabbed my gun or knife. I hoped I wouldn't need them.

"Hello, Elle," Derek said. He had a serious expression on his face, but I could barely see it from the way the flashlight was aimed.

"Hey, Derek." I nodded at him and then placed a hand on Eric's shoulder. "Why don't you guys go back to bed," I suggested, gesturing to the school with my head.

Eric glanced over to me and gave me a wary look, but I smiled wider at him. This would go so much smoother if Eric and Amy went inside. Fortunately for me, Eric nodded and after they said goodnight to Derek, they both went inside. Derek and I didn't speak until the doors to the school closed, and then we were completely alone.

"It's a little late, isn't it, Derek?" I asked, laughing a bit and leaning against the gate nonchalantly. I hoped I didn't sound as nervous as I felt.

"I'm looking for Negan."

A chill ran through me, but I maintained my composure. I furrowed my brow in confusion, and then pulled the gate open more.

"Why don't you come in?" I asked, gesturing for him to enter the yard. Derek shook his head and then pointed at the gate.

"What happened here?" His eyes were locked on mine like he was trying to read my facial expressions. I glanced over at the broken gate and remembered the sight of Negan's damaged truck.

"Oh, that? Eric crashed our car a few days ago. He wasn't paying attention to what gear the car was shifted into." I watched as Derek's eyes went from the gate to the dented car that was parked behind me a ways. He shined the flashlight towards it to examine the damaged front and cracked windshield. I turned to look at it myself and then faced him again, watching to see if he was buying our lie. Eric had crashed the car into our back wall to make it look like it had run into the gate.

"It made a loud sound and attracted a ton of walkers," I continued to explain, grateful that it wasn't a total lie. Derek glanced around him to where Doveport had stood its ground against the horde of walkers. There was still blood soaking into the dirt and grass, and he stared at it while shining the light. "Eric feels really guilty about the whole thing. He's worked so hard on that car, and then made such a silly mistake. Do me a favor and don't tell him I told you, yeah?"

Derek shined the light towards me and right at my face, making me squint and raise a hand up. I twisted my head away and winced as he shined the light in my eyes.

"Have you seen Negan?" he asked, unsmiling.

I shook my head, still holding my hand up to shield the blinding light.

"No, I haven't. Why?" I wondered if Derek could smell Negan's scent on me. I had just been as close as I could possibly get with him and became paranoid he was onto me. "Derek, you're scaring me." At least that wasn't a lie.

After staring me down for what felt like an eternity, Derek let out a long sigh. He moved the light away so it was no longer in my eyes.

"I almost had him, Elle." He shook his head as if he was remembering what happened. "He came by the mall a week ago and we made our move. I killed four of his men, and shot at him, but he got away. We've been at war with the Saviors ever since. They've been attacking us nonstop. I've got a guy watching the factory, and he said Negan never went back. I figured he's either holed up in one of his communities or he bled out somewhere. I hope it's the latter."

So Negan was right; Derek did have a man watching the Sanctuary. I tried my best to appear surprised and concerned.

"Is Charlotte okay?" I asked, actually curious to know if his sister was alright. I did care about her and had noticed she hadn't accompanied him. Derek nodded quickly and spoke.

"She's at the mall and doesn't know I'm here."

If Charlotte didn't know he had come to Doveport, there was a reason for that. If they suspected Negan went to one of his communities, Doveport would have come up in conversation. I could only imagine Charlotte defended us, but Derek was standing before me for one simple reason.

"You think he's here." We held gazes for a few moments and I noticed he seemed nervous too.

"Is he?" Derek asked flat out.

I continued to look him in the eye.

"No."

He had been peering at me so intensely when suddenly a growl came from our right. We both jumped at the sound, and then Derek shined the flashlight on an approaching walker. It was dragging itself towards us, but moving slow.

I hadn't brought a weapon and began to back up further into the school yard when I watched Derek pull out a hunting knife. Holding the flashlight in his left hand and the knife in his right, Derek walked up to the creature and stabbed it through the top of its head. It fell down onto the ground, and he kicked it away with his boot. Once the threat was disposed, Derek returned to where he had been standing and sheathed his knife.

"I trust you, Elle. You guys are our friends, but I just had to be sure. I haven't been able to sleep all week, and Charlotte said you wouldn't betray us, but I needed to know."

My heart hurt hearing him say that. I considered Derek a friend too, and lying to him wasn't easy. I cared about Charlotte and everyone else from Greenbrier; I just couldn't let them kill Negan.

Derek stared at the school behind me for a few brief seconds and then turned his attention back on me.

"If you see him, kill him for me." Derek's determined look returned to his face; he had such a confidence in himself and was unwavering. It was almost similar to Negan's cocky demeanor.

As Derek turned from me to go to his car, I took the opportunity to swallow the lump that had formed in my throat and tried to find my voice.

"Okay," I finally answered, but I could hear the uncertainty in my voice.

Derek didn't seem to notice my fickleness and started the car's engine. I grabbed the gate and pulled it closed, quickly locking it. Placing my back to the metal frame, I waited until the sound of the car's engine disappeared down the road. Once it was gone, I let out a huge sigh; I felt both relieved and anxious. Derek didn't go into the school, but I had just lied to someone I called my friend.

Heading back into the school, I found Eric and Amy waiting for me by the front door. It didn't surprise me that they hadn't returned to bed, and I figured they both were as nervous as I was about Derek showing up.

"What did he want?" Amy asked, looking at me with frightened eyes. I leaned against the wall and brought a hand up to my forehead.

"He's looking for Negan," I admitted.

"So what did you tell him?" Eric asked, sounding worried. He had one hand on his hip and the other around Amy. Eric was still dressed, but Amy was wearing a huge t-shirt we had found for her large belly that she used as a nightgown. We all looked exhausted. In the moment, I wondered if we would ever truly have a moment of peace in this world.

"I told him we haven't seen him. Derek said if we do we're supposed to kill him," I explained. Amy glanced out the window at the gate as if she expected Derek to be there again.

"He believed you?" she asked.

"Yeah, I think we're good for now. We should all try and get some sleep." I gave her a smile in an attempt to be reassuring. They both seemed content with that, and Eric went to take Amy's hand, but she brushed it away.

"I'll be right there, honey," she said, not moving from her place. Eric nodded and then left us to head down the hall. Once he disappeared into their bedroom and pulled the door closed, Amy spun to face me. She looked furious; her face scrunched bitterly and her brows knotted together in anger.

"Are you insane?!" she asked in a harsh whisper. "You slept with him?!" Her voice rose accusingly, and I shushed her.

"Amy, please," I begged in a quiet voice. She stared at me like I was out of my mind. I looked away, feeling ashamed.

There is was. The inevitable guilt.

When I didn't say anything else, Amy let out a frustrated huff.

"What do you want me to say, Amy? I like him. I thought you knew that already."

"That was before we became friends with Derek and Charlotte. And this isn't just any guy, Elle. This is Negan. NEGAN." She put emphasis on his name. "If Derek knew you were fucking him, we'd be dead already."

"Derek doesn't need to know. No one else has to know about this, okay?" I didn't need Vivienne, Eric, and the others knowing I was sleeping with Negan. They wouldn't understand, especially if my best friend couldn't wrap her head around the concept.

"No, Elle. No more secrets. You need to be honest, remember?"

"My sex life isn't anyone's business!" I fired back, glaring at her. "Jesus Amy, you want me to tell you the details?!"

"I want you to THINK! I want us to stop LYING! You just lied to Derek. You are sleeping with his enemy! Every single time we lie it comes back to bite us in the ass, Elle." She began to appear less angry and more frightened and gestured outside. "What if he comes back? What if he wants to come into the school and search? What if he finds out Negan is here and we patched him up?" Amy's bottom lip quivered and a tear fell down her face. I stood speechless as I watched her try to fight the tears and she sniffled.

"I have a baby to think about. I know you care about Negan, but we are going to have to choose a side. You can't pick both. Derek and Charlotte are our friends. They've helped us out a lot. Negan makes us work and he… he hurts people, Elle…"

"I know," I whispered. The guilt felt like it was going to eat through me. Amy was right—sleeping with Negan was risky and foolish. I couldn't deny an allegiance to him if he was sharing my bed.

Amy stared at me for a long time before she brushed her red hair back and cleared her throat.

"I can't control you, Elle. Just… just be careful, okay? You're making decisions that affect all of us, and I don't think your head is in the right place. Negan's changed because of this world. He's adapted to deal with the bad things, but in doing so, he's become something bad. You haven't done that yet. You're still good."

Amy had never liked him from the start, but she couldn't try to tell me that he was bad and I was good after everything that had happened. This world wasn't black and white like that. I shook my head and closed my eyes.

"I beat Adam to death with a bat." My voice was cold as I pointed out that night as an example of my depravity, "And I keep lying."

"You are good, Elle." Her tone had changed from accusatory to gentle and she sighed while glancing down the hall. "And I know Negan cares about you. Going through all this crap is a hell of a lot easier when you have someone to share it with. Just… Did you really have to pick Negan of all people?" All seriousness was gone and she gave me an over-dramatic, judgmental look.

"Want me to see if Derek's single?" I rose an eyebrow and she narrowed her eyes at me. "I could sleep with him too and reallycomplicate things."

"That is NOT funny." She playfully punched my arm and I grinned. "Besides, I don't wanna see what Negan would do to Derek if you slept with him. I have a feeling Negan isn't gonna want to share you."

"If he can have wives, why can't I have husbands?" I pursed my lips out in a big pout and gave Amy a coquettish look. She burst out into a fit of giggles and threw her head back.

I felt better about things—maybe Amy didn't like that I was getting so close with Negan, but at least she was honest with me about it. Her disdain for it came from the fact that it would make things with Greenbrier that more difficult.

We both finished laughing and then Amy became serious again.

"Just be careful, okay?" she held her arms open, offering me a hug. "You're like my sister, and I don't want you to get hurt."

I nodded. "I won't. I promise. It's gonna be okay." I accepted her hug and felt her extended belly press into me. I loved her like she was my sister too, and I was glad we were able to talk about things.

Once we finished hugging, Amy headed down the hall to go back to bed. I watched as she disappeared into her room and then went to my own.

I found Negan was still in the same spot, laying in my bed; his boxers were still on the floor and in his hands was my book that he had picked up from my nightstand. He actually appeared to be reading it, but looked up as I entered the bedroom.

"And?" he asked.

I pulled my shirt off over my head to reveal my bra, but kept it on, deciding I would return to bed in my underwear. "You owe me," I muttered, unzipping my jeans.

"Oh, do I now?" Negan set the book down on my nightstand and watched as I pulled off my pants.

"Yes. I convinced Derek you're not hiding out here."

"But I owe you?" Negan put emphasis on the word and I looked up at him. I realized it was the same thing he had said to me when he had saved us from Caleb and brought us back to the Sanctuary—the same thing that had pissed me off bad enough that I had stripped in front of his men in an attempt to get revenge.

Twisting my face into a sour look, I narrowed my eyes, earning me a laugh from him.

"After all I've fuckin' done for you, I'm pretty sure I've more than earned my keep." His tone was teasing and as I put my clothes away, and I shook my head.

"Negan, this is serious. Derek wants to finish you off."

"I'd like to see him fuckin' try."

I rolled my eyes as I kicked off my shoes. He was being arrogant about things, and it was exhausting me, but I was too tired to argue with him anymore. I headed over to the end of the bed and crawled over the mattress to the spot next to Negan. I flopped down onto my pillow and buried my face into it. I was beat and just wanted to sleep, but had too much on my mind.

I heard the click of my lamp as Negan turned it off and rid the room of light. As he settled in next to me, I turned on my side to face him. He was on his side looking at me, but I could barely see his features in the dark room.

"Was this a mistake?" I whispered, grateful he couldn't see the worry on my face. Amy's disapproval at finding me with Negan had me feeling uncertain about my decision, and I almost wished he would get up and go back to his own room.

"What?" Negan's voice was husky and I took a deep breath before answering him.

"This," I said, referring to him and me. "All of it. You coming here. To the school. To my room. I just…" I trailed off, not knowing how to finish what I was trying to say.

Negan closed the short distance between us and wrapped his arms around me. He nuzzled his nose against mine, gauging where my features were, and then his lips found mine. I kissed him back, melting into his gentle touch. It was a soft kiss—an almost innocent one.

How could someone so cruel be so tender with me?

I thought about what Amy said about Negan being bad. I knew he wasn't a saint, but I couldn't see him as a monster anymore. Not after everything we'd been through. Not when he was holding me this way.

When Negan broke the kiss and sat back, I immediately missed the sensation. Being with him made me forget all of my problems, but the second we stopped, it all came flooding back in my mind.

"You worry too fucking much," he said, relaxing back onto the pillow. He kept an arm around me and rubbed up and down my back soothingly. "One day at a time, babe. One day at a time."

My heart fluttered.

Babe.

I couldn't help but smile as he used the pet-name. My cheeks heated up and I was glad he couldn't see my reaction in the dark. I liked hearing him call me that. God I felt like a schoolgirl. Part of me hated how he made butterflies form inside my stomach, and another never wanted any of it to end.

Negan was right—there was a lot I needed to take care of the next day, but in that moment I needed to allow myself to relax. Derek was gone, and there was no sense in losing precious sleep.

And sure, maybe Amy didn't like that I was with Negan, but just because I couldn't explain my feelings for him didn't mean that they weren't there. Maybe it was wrong of me to enjoy laying with him, but I could return to my guilt trip later.

For now, as I nuzzled into him and closed my eyes, I was right where I wanted to be.