I Learned to Love You by Tamyalways

translated from Spanish by ebfiddler

Good morning everyone. I want to thank you for reading my fic. I've got high hopes, and though I know it's hard to believe now, in the end I think you will like it ... I know I won't fail you. But that doesn't mean that I won't make you suffer a lot, because that's the nature of this illness that they have to get through, and I've tried to make it as realistic as possible but ... I'm no expert, and likewise my inspiration asks me to do what it asks me to do. I promise there will be good moments in between the drama.

Don't be hasty. And, well, so long as you tell me when your birthday is, I will attempt to congratulate you, so that you see that I do read (and like to read) your comments. I've been busy, but nevertheless I want to congratulate JessTELLOBO who on Wednesday had a birthday, and I forgot. Belated congratulations, and this chapter is dedicated especially for you ... I think it will be a good chapter to dedicate to you. I hope you had a good day.

The characters are not mine …

Idea from Lizcecilia6CECIFILLION

Chapter 34

RICK'S POV

I woke up in a cold sweat. I was having a nightmare, and when I opened my eyes I didn't remember where I was—until I understood. What I was seeing was no nightmare, it was reality. I had returned to this damn hospital room. I pulled the covers off, with the intention of getting up. I was already sick of being here, lying in a hospital bed. But I didn't even have time to get up, because at that instant, the door flew open, and Kate came running up to me and prevented me from moving.

"Castle, what are you doing?"

"Trying to get up," I said sulkily.

"You have to rest. You need to recover."

"I'm fine. I just need to get out of here," I explained.

"Okay, wait a moment. I'll get an aide to bring us a wheelchair."

"Seriously?" I asked, surprised. "Why? Kate, I have leukemia, my feet work just fine." I was pretty angry, but not with Kate. After all, she had done what anyone would have done in like circumstances. I was angry with my body, for not responding to my will, for not allowing me live in peace for a little while longer.

"It's the only way you're getting out of this room. You make the choice," she explained resolutely.

"Okay, fine," I conceded, seeing the look on her face. I knew I couldn't win when she entered 'boss' mode.

She left the room and I put my butt back in bed, completely resigned and defeated. I knew she did it because she was worried about me, but ... sometimes I still felt that I ought to be doing this alone, so that no one else had to suffer besides me. But I had chosen to have her by my side. I had been selfish and decided to be happy with her, even though she didn't want me and wasn't in love with me. I had forced her to live in my hell with me, and now I couldn't do anything to distance her from all the pain.

Maybe I should have thought all of this through long before, but the desire to have her superseded everything, my need for her company trumped the need to keep her far away from all the bad things that were going to happen. I didn't regret anything we had experienced or done together. She had told me once that she was happy, and that was something that I could take with me from this world. But from now on, I knew that she'd want to erase the memories of what was about to pass, or really, I'd prefer that she didn't have to live it with me in the first place. The sad thing is that she knew it, and yet there she was beside me, more than ever.

"Hey!" she announced as she entered the room. "I got you the best wheels," she said, smilingly showing me a wheelchair she must have acquired somewhere. She helped me get up so I could sit in it, and just that little effort made me feel exhausted. Maybe she was right; I really needed to rest.

We went out into the hall and made a couple of laps. I thought we were wandering with no final destination in mind, but it seemed that Kate knew exactly where she was taking me. We went to a kind of inner courtyard that was surrounded by a forest of planters filled with green things, and had a few benches where a person could sit and breathe some air that didn't smell like hospital. We sat on the far bench, and again I needed Kate's help. We sat close together, as we had done almost everything recently, almost without realizing it. We both kept silent for a while, quietly holding hands, until Kate began to speak of what was evidently gnawing at her inside.

"I need to tell you something." She took a deep breath and continued, as if making a great effort. "I've been talking to someone who opened my eyes." She measured her words, she studied them before saying them, as if it were of primordial import to both of us. "There's something I must tell you, and I can't—don't want to—remain silent. I thought that if I hid it—"

"Kate," I grabbed her face and lifted it so that she met my look. She was making me very anxious. I was afraid, and I saw the same fear in her eyes. "What is it?"

"I … Rick ... I love you," she pronounced, spearing me with the most solemn look.

"What?" I frowned, not knowing, not understanding what she was trying to say.

"I'm in love with you."

When she said that I stared at her. Her eyes always told me what was going on inside that head of hers, and now they were practically screaming in confirmation of her declaration. I had to know if she was telling the truth, or if this was simply a new gift she was bestowing on me in order to make me feel better. She had changed in recent days; she was the one who was taking steps beyond ... but I never imagined … this.

"Rick—" but I didn't let her continue. I kissed her hard on the lips, surprising her at first, then she returned the kiss with passion and with … love?

"I love you," I whispered when our lips parted, leaving our heads together and our eyes closed in the feeling of the moment.

When I opened my eyes, she was smiling at me with such happiness. I could not help it, the same smile appeared on my face. Kate was in love with me. What more could I ask for? Time, that's what I wanted. Time to make her happy, time to live out our love, time to live happily together.

I kissed her again, and again, and again, and couldn't stop smiling. I was so happy that whatever they told me now, I wouldn't care, because Kate was in love with me. I was so elated, I didn't know how to keep still and quiet—when what I wanted was to shout to the whole world, jump up and dance like a lunatic.

"Rick ... I've never seen you like this ... you're so happy," she said between tears of emotion.

"Very happy. Kate ... this ... is ... the best thing you could have told me," I said, tucking behind her ear a lock of unruly hair that had fallen and obscured her perfect face.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you this before," she said looking down and swallowing.

"Since when? When did you realize?" She suddenly felt shy—and that seemed natural and normal. After all, she had just told me she loved me. It required a lot of willpower for a person like her to do that—and here I was demanding explanations. Poor thing ... "Kate, this is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I don't know how I can thank you for this. The time I have left is just insufficient. My God, Kate, do you know what this means to me? No ... you couldn't possibly know." I was so elated that I didn't let her get a word in edgewise.

"I ... I think that after the conversation we had on the beach, when you kissed me like that, you disarmed me, right before you had the briliant idea of swimming naked together," she said laughing. "I think that I realized then that my feelings were stronger than I had known."

"And why didn't you tell me this before, beautiful? Why, my love?" I asked touching her face. I wanted to see her eyes, watch her face as she explained, knowing that her eyes could never lie to me.

"It was just that ... I was afraid."

"Afraid?"

"All the people I love, I lose in one way or another. My mother, my father, even Josh, it was I who ended up pushing him away. I was afraid that if I told you out loud, I would lose you too."

"You'll never lose me, Kate. Nothing in this world can make that happen, except death—and that's not something I can control."

"But—" she was still scared, afraid to lose me.

"Yes, I know ... but nothing could make me leave you willingly. I love you, Kate," I repeated it again because now I could say it calmly. "Never forget that, my love. I love you more than anything in the world, and nothing will ever separate me from you voluntarily. Do you hear me?"

"Do you like saying it?" She laughed to hear my repeated affirmations and to see my enthusiastic face, animated by all the talk.

"I've had to restrain myself all these weeks not to tell you. Now that I can, let me say it. I'd shout it out loud, but it's five in the morning, and I think some people might take it the wrong way if I start shouting."

"Why didn't you say it?"

"I didn't want to make you uncomfortable with my feelings. I thought you'd get weary if I pestered you over and over again with what I feel."

"Well, now you can say anything you like," she said grabbing my shoulders to bring our mouths back together for a tender kiss.

"I love you … I love you…. I love you," I alternated words and kisses.

"It's getting late. Let's go in," she said rising. She helped me back into the wheelchair and when I was settled there, I tugged on her waist until she lost her balance a little and toppled onto my knees.

"Castle," she scolded me, but with a big smile on her face.

"I just I wanted to tell you one thing, dear wife," I said, kissing her passionately, our tongues jousting in a show of love. Gradually we slowed the kiss, and adored each other with our lips only. We slowly separated, embracing each other, and with a sigh in her ear, I again declared my love. "I love you."

Back in the hospital room, we spent a while cuddling like two lovers. We never stopped smiling, touching, kissing. It was open season now, and I couldn't help but tell her I loved her every five minutes. It made her laugh. I loved seeing her so smiley, tranquil, and relaxed. Although I knew it would not last long—soon the doctor would come in to give us news about my status. But until then I wanted to enjoy every second I could get with Kate.

Suddenly she got serious, and put her hands to her head. No doubt she had remembered something.

"What is it?"

"We should have called your mother already."

"It's okay, there's always time to worry her later."

"No, you can't put it off. You have to call her. I wanted to do it last night when we got here, but I thought she would be happier if you did the talking."

"Well, okay, I'll do it," I said, kissing the frown off her forehead.

I picked up the phone, found her number in my contacts, and listened for her voice. I took a deep breath and held it as long as possible. I didn't think I was going to have to go through this again, telling my mother what was going on. I knew what she was doing, and I knew it was hard on her. She would rather be here with me, but the idea that she could save my life trumped any fear or difficulty. I didn't agree, because I knew how much it cost her, but I appreciated it because it made me feel special and loved. I would not have changed a minute of my life with my mother, just to have met my father. He had abandoned her to her fate with a young child. She had raised me on her own and given me her love in her own unique way, and now, to save her son, she had to find him, this person who had done her so much harm. I couldn't imagine what she had to be going through right now. She had more or less some idea where she could find him, because when I turned twenty-one, money from my father had appeared in the bank. She never touched it. She always said that the money was mine, and I should be the one to make use of it. I didn't want to touch it, but my lawyers advised me to do something about it, because if I didn't, it could end up being a liability and causing me considerable trouble and expense, so eventually I did. I bought my house in the Hamptons with it, but little else.

Since I joined the police, after college, I always had a salary. I hadn't lived poorly, but I wasn't an extravagant person, and my needs were met by my mother, so ... that money grew, and now Kate could use it when I passed on.

I heard the ringing, and a part of me prayed that the call would go to voicemail. Yes, I was a coward, but having to tell your mother for the second time that you're dying is not something you do with any pleasure.

"Hello?" I heard through the telephone. I looked at Kate, she was there beside me, as always. I swallowed and let it all out at once.

"Mother, it's me. I'm back in New York, in the hospital. I'm fine, but—"

"I'm on my way, right now," she said just before hanging up.

I became aware that tears were running down my face, disappearing into the sheets. I knew that I was causing pain to my loved ones, and it hurt me, but at the same time, it made me feel so loved.

Looking at Kate, I knew that, no matter what happened, I would live forever in the hearts and memories of the people who loved me. That made me feel proud of the path I had walked, because it was on account of that, that these people were with me.

At that point, everything began to go dark again. I heard Kate call me, but had no strength to answer. Then I heard people talking around me, but I couldn't respond. That would have required almost superhuman strength, and so I let go, closed my eyes, and succumbed to sleep.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Thank you all for reading further, see you tomorrow [later] with a new chapter.

I'm feeling so inspired. Even though I've only just finished writing this story, I've already started to work on the next. I wanted to take a little break, but I feel the urge to write, and so I've already started my new story, where there'll be lots of drama and but also lots of Caskett moments. For now its name is Escondidos (Hidden) and I'll give you a little advance teaser about the new story.

Thank you all, and I wish you a good weekend XXOO

Twitter: tamyalways.

translator: I'd tell you that I'm planning to post the next chapter in three days, but there are those who are ready to hold my feet to the fire over promises like that, so … I'll just say that it will be posted when I have it ready! :) Dear Reviewer wishing for the next chapter to be posted already: I'm flattered (and I'm sure Tamy is as well) that you're so eager to read the next chapter. I'll take it as a great compliment to the story. But until writing and translating fanfiction seems like a more viable career option than the work I actually get paid to do, I'm afraid it has to take a back seat to real life. See you all in a few days!