Broken
Chapter 34
He met her in the reception area, planning to escort her through the halls to Diana's room. As he saw her approaching the door though, he had a moment of doubt.
What if it blows up? What if this is all she ever knows of my family?
But his practical side took control of the situation, just as it had a few minutes ago. There were no guarantees in life, and especially not in the life of Diana Reid. There might not be any better days than this one. He had to go for it.
Clare was smiling at him as she approached the desk.
"Hi." Taking a moment to look him over. "You all right?"
"She took her meds, and she's oriented. So, yes, I'm all right."
"Ah. The low bar. I'm sorry, Spencer. But I'm happy she wanted to meet me."
"Um….it might have been my idea. But, yes, once I suggested it, she began to insist."
It caught her off guard, the idea that he'd wanted his mother to meet her. She anticipated the reactions of her friends, should she share it with them.
They'll think it was too soon, too presumptuous. Honestly, if this was a normal situation, I'd agree with them. But he knows his days with his mother are fleeting. Neither of us know where we're going with each other, but meeting his mother is hardly the same as making a commitment.
"Well, I'm happy to meet her, then." Following him down the hallway, a half-step behind.
He turned partially to her. "I can't predict how she'll react."
"Understood."
"She might not make any sense. Or she might even be hostile."
Clare stopped moving, prompting Reid to do so as well.
"Spencer, I know your mother is ill. Obviously, that's why she's here. I won't take anything personally."
Lord knows, I've had enough mentally ill clients.
But she didn't think he would enjoy hearing her putting his mother in the same company.
"All right. I just wanted to make sure you were prepared."
Because one of us probably should be.
They'd passed through several hallways, and now approached Diana's room. Reid stopped at the doorway, looking from Clare to his mother. He knocked again, to get Diana's attention, relieved that her pillow fortress hadn't been reconstructed.
"Hi, Mom. It's Spencer again. I brought a friend this time. Do you remember me telling you about Clare?" Ten minutes ago.
The young attorney stepped into the room after Reid.
"Hello, Mrs. Reid. I'm Clare. Well, Mary Clare. Ryan. They call me 'MC' for short."
Clare studied Diana for some semblance of Spencer.
She's tall, I think. Even sitting in bed, I can tell that. But there's also something about her eyes, and her mouth, even if...
Simultaneously, Diana studied Clare. Both younger people tried, without success, to read the older woman's expression. Clare was taken aback by the obvious scowl on Diana's face, but Spencer knew enough to look only at his mother's eyes. What he saw there touched him deeply.
She's wary, but not afraid. She's worried about me. But she's also pleading. If I didn't know better, I'd say she was praying.
If so, he knew what the prayer would be. According to his best friend, Diana had done the same with JJ. She'd wanted to secure a family for her son, so soon to be left all alone in the world.
"She probably would have made me promise, if I hadn't already been in the middle of telling her that you'll always be a part of my family, Spence. I meant that, when I told her, and, no, she didn't have to ask me. You're family because we love each other. That will always be true."
He knew his mother would have taken some comfort in that, because he had, too. Not that he'd needed to be told. It was a mutual thing, family. But what he saw in his mother's eyes now was a longing of another kind.
She wants me to have a family of my own. One that I start, grown out of love. He smiled to himself. So do I, Mom. I'm just sorry to think that you'll never know them.
Once upon a time, the idea of having a family of his own, biological children of his own, hadn't even been a pipe dream. Even if he'd thought himself capable of a relationship….and he hadn't….he'd been worried about the genetics of it. But two things had conspired to change his mind about the latter. Firstly, he'd made it into his mid thirties without showing signs of schizophrenia, so it was less likely he'd pass it on to any offspring. But, and perhaps more importantly, he'd matured. The mature version of Spencer Reid had been able to see past the illness and into the person.
Actually, it's more like I regained the ability to do that. I think I knew it once, as a young boy. I loved her. I felt protective of her. And then…..then, I fell prey to the need to fit in, and I became embarrassed by her. Fearful of her, at times. But mostly embarrassed. In our private moments, I pitied her. But, thank God, I grew up. She hates to be pitied, especially when she's aware of what it's doing to her. She fights though it. And I was finally able to see that. And I began to admire her. Not just a son's obligate admiration, but a true, mature respect for the battles she's fought, and the very fact that she's been willing to continue to fight them.
He'd also been humbled by the sacrifices she'd made for him, well into his adulthood.
How could I ever be afraid of passing along something like that?
Diana's dementia diagnosis had given him pause once again. It still did, if he was honest with himself. He couldn't know, at his age, whether it might also happen to him. He could only know that it was suspected her first diagnosis served as a predisposition to the second. So, if he'd escaped the first, maybe he'd escaped the last.
The last. The last thing that will happen to her. The last thing that will mark her life. I wish I could make something else be that 'last thing', Mom! I wish I could make it something happy. Something that tells you I'll be okay. Something that points toward a bright future. Something like a family.
But this moment was about meeting, not about starting a family. With effort, Reid brought himself back to the moment, cognizant of the fact that his reverie had been about having a family, but not about the person he might have that family with.
Does it work that way? Aren't we supposed to want the person first, and the family next?
He'd been so caught up in his thoughts that he'd almost missed Diana's response to Clare.
"Mary Clare. What an interesting name. Did you know that 'Clair' was considered a masculine name in medieval times?"
Clare smiled. "That makes sense, then. I have four brothers. Mom told me my name was supposed to be 'Francis', but then I surprised her by being a girl."
When Diana nodded knowingly, Reid was confused. "How does that make sense?"
His mother knew. "Clare was the soulmate of Francis of Assisi."
Her son's brows went up. "How do you know that?" Diana had eschewed anything even vaguely religious during his childhood.
"To be a good teacher of medieval literature, I had to also be a good student of medieval history."
Reid nodded, smiling. "You were never a good teacher of medieval literature, Mom. You were a great teacher."
Diana directed her responsive smile toward Clare. "Don't listen to him." Then, turning her gaze back to her son, she added, "I was an outstanding teacher."
Reid laughed outright. "Mom, did you just make a joke?"
Clare's face reflected her bemusement as she looked back and forth between mother and son.
I'm so glad I got to see this. When he told me about her, I formed such a different picture. But it makes sense, now. They love each other, the best way each of them knows how.
She spoke aloud to Diana. "I'll bet you were wonderful. I wish I could have had you in college. I only got to take American Lit, and it wasn't nearly as romantic as I'd hoped."
Diana sobered quickly, now that they were in familiar territory.
"American literature hasn't yet come of age. Give it time. Most modern authors don't understand the true nature of romance."
Clare was intrigued now. "Which is?"
"Nobility. Sacrifice. Heroism. Stong values. True romance literature involves a quest, which is not necessarily for the heart of another."
"You mean, they fall in love with one another because of the quest?"
"Because of the characteristics revealed by the quest, yes." Diana turned to her son. "She's very astute, Spencer."
It was his turn to look his bemusement at the women in the room.
"Indeed she is."
In the end, there had been nothing momentous about the meeting of Diana and Clare…which was, ironically, momentous in itself. But despite the pedestrian nature of it, Reid felt like some sort of barrier had fallen.
I guess because I just merged one part of my life with another.
Not that he had been looking for Diana's approval, but he sensed he had it anyway. He'd long since realized that her reactions could be unpredictable, and unsustained, driven by unreality as much as reality. But she'd seemed to approve of Clare, and whether she would remember it tomorrow or not, he would.
He'd left Clare rather abruptly, considering the nature of their day together. It hadn't exactly gone as planned, with the necessary detour to Mountain Laurel, and he hadn't quite been able to recoup enough to come up with a new idea for the rest of the day. So they'd said their goodbyes in the early afternoon, and Reid had gone back to his apartment alone, to ruminate. To his great surprise, he felt himself relaxing….really relaxing….into his favorite reading chair, for the first time in nearly a year.
I feel like I'm floating. Like there's nothing weighing me down. Nothing picking me apart.
Not even himself. In retrospect, it seemed obvious, though he hadn't realized it in process. But, not only had he spent the day decimating the walls within his personal life, he'd also allowed his personal armor to be penetrated. For, in introducing the three most important women in his life to each other, he'd opened himself to them, allowed them to see him through each other's eyes. He'd allowed himself to be flayed in a way that would have been anathema to him, just a short time ago. Now that he'd been opened up, and not found wanting, maybe it would be safe to rediscover the person within.
Maybe I can become whole again. Maybe.
There were still relationships to mend, still resentments to conquer. And he was too mature, and too experienced, not to know that wholeness and peace were transient at best. But he was feeling magnanimous just now.
Maybe I can forgive, one more time. Maybe.
He'd thought about calling JJ, about casually asking what she'd thought of Clare. But he knew he would be found out all too quickly, because JJ would know there was nothing casual about it. Besides, the newly integrated Spencer Reid didn't want to risk disintegration again so soon.
So he'd arrived to the BAU this morning still wondering. Well, almost. There had been that text.
SHE'S LOVELY. HOW DID IT GO WITH YOUR MOM?
Even though he'd purposely arranged their meeting, and despite his curiosity, it felt strange to discuss his girlfriend with his best friend. So he'd only responded to the question.
OKAY. I GOT HER TO TAKE HER MEDS.
As he unloaded his messenger bag at his desk, JJ entered the bullpen and approached her desk.
"Hey. Did you have a good weekend?"
As though she'd forgotten she'd spent part of hers with him. Which prompted him to ask about her own.
"Oh, it was fine, until it wasn't. Will got called in Saturday afternoon, and he hasn't been home since."
"Really? What's going on?"
JJ grabbed both of their mugs, planning a trip to the coffee bay.
"Apparently he could tell me, but then he'd have to kill me. Ever since he went on that DHS training two years ago, I've been hearing that."
Reid knew better than to remind her that she'd put Will in the same position, not so many years ago.
Another sign that I'm finding value in my life.
He accompanied her, so he could amend his own coffee.
"So…do you know when he'll be back?"
"Nope. I had to get Henry to school and Michael to Karen's, and it looks like I'll have to do the reverse tonight. Unless I ask Mom."
"I can get one of them. Well, I guess it would have to be Henry." He didn't have a car seat for Michael.
She gave him a tight smile as she poured into each mug. "Thanks, Spence, but it will probably be fine. As long as we don't get called out."
He thanked her for the pour. "I'm kind of hoping we don't get called out, too. I feel like we're close on both Scratch and the mole."
JJ was too distracted to notice Reid emptying three packets of sugar into his mug.
"Do we have Emily on board with this? Is she thinking like we are?"
He hadn't yet run his suspicions by their unit chief, not wanting to risk another confrontation.
"I guess I have to find out, don't I?"
JJ put a hand on his back as they returned to their desks.
"She's our friend, Spence. I know you know that."
"I do."
"So go. Talk to her. Want me to come with you?"
The newly integrated, magnanimous Spencer Reid shouted down his more resentful alter ego.
"No, that's all right. I'll do it."