I just realized that it really is Friday. (It's also my birthday!)
It's Friday.
James and I haven't spoken all week; in fact, we've barely even seen each other. There is a dull ache in my chest and I know it's because James is no longer a part of my life. No words were said, but when we hugged the last time, there was a sense of ending. I don't think we'll ever be the same.
Jo arrived an hour ago to help me get ready for the dance. I tried to seem enthusiastic as she and Carlos did my makeup and hair, but my heart just wasn't in it.
I miss him. There, I said it.
Now I'm looking into the mirror, silently admiring their work. I swear that Jo and Carlos could be Hollywood's hottest makeup team.
They left me a while ago, to let me get my dress on, and so Jo could change into her gown. I think that they could tell that I didn't want company, that I wanted to be alone. But I constantly want to be alone these days. My whole world has crashed down around me, been set fire to, and paraded over by a brigade of occurrences that will leave me permanently altered. In other words, I don't feel like having a group of people around, asking if I'm all right when I'm clearly not.
I touch my cheek in the spot where Zack first hit me, and a thousand memories flood into my brain, knocking casually aside all the good things that have happened in my life. It's been a good month since the final beating, but the pain is still fresh in my mind. I still can't believe that I ever trusted him, that I would ever stay with such a monster; but I was in love, and love makes you do insane, stupid things that will just leave you sad and alone.
There is a knock on the door, and I jump slightly. I still haven't changed into the dress, which is hanging on the doorknob. I quickly grab it and hear Carlos call, "Are you ready yet?"
"Almost!" I exclaim, unzipping the brown dress and stepping swiftly into it. I hurriedly pull it up around my chest and slip my feet into the dark brown, sparkly flats. He calls through the door again, and I open it, turning my back towards him so he can zip me up. He rolls his eyes and obliges.
I notice for the first time the suit he has on. I cock an eyebrow.
"What?" he asks defensively. "Gustavo thinks we should take it in a more mature direction for tonight!"
"At a dance for teenagers?" I inquire doubtfully. He just shakes his head at me, smiling a little.
Jo pops out of nowhere, grinning brightly at me, oblivious to the fact that I'm miserable inside. "Wow, Katie!" she exclaims, her eyes shining. "You look stunning!"
"Thanks," I mutter. I don't care what I look like.
Carlos gives me a concerned look. We haven't been talking as much lately, but he's still my best friend, and he still knows when something's bothering me.
"You okay?" he murmurs out of the corner of his mouth when Jo turns to greet Kendall, while shooting a furtive glance around the room. I nod, a quick twitch of the head. He gives me an uncertain look, but I ignore it.
I note with little surprise that James is nowhere to be seen, even though Kendall and Logan are standing in the living room. I think about asking, and then decide against it.
"Where's James?" Carlos asks, and I nearly roll my eyes.
Kendall shrugs, looking quickly at me and then away. "I don't know. I think he's already headed down." I sigh somewhat in relief, and Carlos looks at me. Thankfully, this year the dance is at the Palm Woods, and therefore I won't have to sit in a car with him asking me questions. I can't deal with his inquiries right now.
"So," Logan begins, shoving his hands in the pockets of his slacks. Everyone stands in silence, the tension in the air tangible. Then Jo walks over to Kendall.
"Let's go, babe." He holds out an arm to her, which she takes and proceeds to pull him out the door. He grins at her and pecks her cheek, making me want to vomit at their display of affection.
Carlos steps toward me and holds out an arm, making me giggle lightly, despite how bad I feel inside. I take it and we walk out the door, where Haile waits expectantly for Logan. I figured that she would want to come, since he was performing, but she and Jo (and me, pretty much) are just going to stand and watch until they get a break.
This thought makes panic curl in my stomach; that's all I'm going to do, isn't it? Just stand by the punch bowl like someone out of a cheesy John Hughes movie and think wistfully of what could've been.
The dance is being held in the newly converted conference room on the first floor, and the ride down the elevator is silent. Jo occasionally takes a glimpse around the group of people bunched together, but remains mute.
When the elevator doors slides open with a whoosh, I step out quickly. The lobby isn't as crowded as I thought it'd be, and I look around. The door to the conference-room-turned-ballroom is already open, and once again, nervous dread makes itself known in my stomach.
I can see him.
He's just sitting on an amp that's been placed on the stage, his chin in his hands. He looks dashing in his suit, which is identical to the rest of the guys'. When I see him, something inside my chest begins hurting, for real. There's a lump in my throat, and my eyes feel prickly.
No, I scold myself. It's over, Katie, and there's no use crying about it. I wipe at my lids, hoping that none of my makeup smears. I take a quick peek into the reflective glass of the ballroom door, and see that I still look just as good.
Someone lays a hand on my shoulder, and I whirl to see Kendall. His glassy greens bore into my chocolate browns, worried.
"Don't worry," he tells me, a smile twitching at the corners of his mouth. "We've been through so much- don't let him break you." And with that, he kisses my forehead. I am shocked; he hasn't kissed me since I was maybe eight years old. He smiles full on and walks over to Jo. I realize then how lucky they are to have each other. They are both amazing people who deserve one another.
"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!" a voice that I recognize as Bitters calls through the crowd. "PROCEED INTO THE BALLROOM! You're clogging up my lobby!" I roll my eyes and walk forward, a new confidence bestowed in me by my brother's words. I promise that I will stay optimistic tonight.
Everyone is excited for Big Time Rush tonight, and of course they begin with "Shot In the Dark", which I find ironic, because James is full of words unspoken, as am I.
Optimistic, I think at myself, and sigh.
So that's how I end up standing alone by the punch bowl, looking (just as I predicted) like a lonely Molly Ringwald waiting for her Jake Ryan to sweep her off of her feet. I kick at the leg of the table I'm leaning against, wishing that everything would topple off. I take a swig of punch and listen to my brothers and him croon about love and other things that make me want to hit something. I eye Tyler's little brother and decide against it; it would look bad if I took a swing at a thirteen-year-old kid. I slump my shoulders, misery washing over me; this is the way I'll be for the rest of eternity, alone and pining after James. I know I'm being overly dramatic, but it's different this time; there's no do-overs, not more conversations that will make it all better.
I am looking down at my feet again, arms crossed and punch in hand, when Big Time Rush begins a new song. I look up, unable to keep from cocking my head in wonder. I distinctly remember Kendall informing me that Gustavo would kill them if they performed anything new.
But this new song isn't upbeat; it's slow and somber, telling the story of a heartbroken girl. It strikes a chord inside me, makes a familiar feeling course through my chest. I shift uncomfortably at some of the lyrics, because they sound familiar: "She sits in her room/ Won't let anyone in/ This girl's alone/ I'd do anythin'/ To find out what's on her mind." But I completely freeze when the chorus begins.
The only thing I can hear is them singing my name, calling out to me with music. It deeply touches me and a few people glance at me. That moment is the most I've ever loved my brothers, and I've never felt closer to them. Jo's got her thousand-watt smile going, clapping along with the slow tempo. They all look directly at me, except for James. His hard expression makes me feel strange inside; maybe we will never be the same.
The song finishes a minute later, and I'm smiling broadly, tears threatening to spill over my lashes. I still can't believe that they wrote a song for me and performed it. I smile up at Carlos and Kendall, who are looking at me, and I see tears in their eyes, also. I've never felt closer to them, I think again, and almost smile, until I see the look on James's face again.
A hand is suddenly held out to me, and my eyes trail up the arm to see an extremely attractive boy asking me to dance. His soft blue eyes remind me of Zack, making me flinch, but his hair is blonde and he's very muscular.
"Would you like to dance?" he asks. I consider that for a moment. Sure, I'd like to dance. But not with you, I think, but it's no use. I'm going to have to forget James soon enough, so I might as well get it over with. In the back of my mind I know that it won't do anything, but I should at least try. I give this boy a quick once-over, trying to judge his character in less than ten seconds.
He seems nice enough, so I nod. "I'd love to." I smile at him halfheartedly, trying my best to seem bright. He takes my hand and leads me to the dance floor, BTR kicking up "Any Kind of Guy". The guy and I dance, and I don't even ask his name. It feels wrong, dancing with him, but I don't care; I'll do anything to take my mind off of James.
I glance up at the stage, to see Logan, Carlos, and Kendall giving me quizzical looks. James is staring forward again, that uncaring expression still settled on his handsome face. I flip my hair and turn back to my hottie, trying to seem indifferent; who cares what they think? But in my heart I know that I do care what they think.
The song comes to a close, and I see Big Time Rush get off of the stage. A DJ starts playing a slow song, one of my favorites. "Boston", by Augustana begins, slow and melancholy. I feel a twinge inside; I used to listen to this all the time before I told James I was in love with him, imagining him sweeping me into his arms as the chorus began. I cringe at the memory; I can't escape thoughts of him, can I?
The guys gather at the foot of the stage, peeking at me every few seconds. I know that nothing good can come of them all grouped together.
Twenty seconds into the first song, hottie-guy moves his hands slowly and inconspicuously lower down my back. My stomach turns uneasily- he seemed so nice a minute ago. I feel sick when his action cause vile recognition to stir in me, and I remember the night Zack reached a hand up my party dress.
"You wanna go upstairs?" he whispers in my ear. "My parents are in San Diego…" he trails off, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. He moves his hand even lower, onto my bottom, and I step away. Boy I sure know how to pick 'em, I think. His hand is still on my bottom, and I feel pressure gathering behind my eyes, my vision slightly blurring. I look around, seeing if Kendall and the guys are watching.
They are.
"Come on," he says. "Let's go have our own dance upstairs." He steps toward me and attempts to grab my arm, but I wrench it from his grasp. I will not have any more men grabbing me or touching me against my will.
"WHY DO YOU ALL HAVE TO BE JERKS?" I shout, on the verge of tears. I can only think about what great luck I have, to pick one that doesn't love me, one that hit me, and one that just wants to get me in bed. Shame and anger burn in my cheeks, and they darken even more when I notice all of the people staring at me. I turn and begin running toward the exit, to the doors that lead straight to the fresh air of the pool. The guy begins to shout something, and then decides I'm not worth it.
I hear Kendall call after me, and James ask what's wrong. But I keep running until I place a hand on the metal bar of the exit, opening the door and running out into the darkness. I am already crying, and on the inside I feel wretched. Tonight was supposed to be the night that I got over James and finally accepted the fact that he's never going to love me. But now I feel even worse than before. Why do things like this always happen to me?
I ponder all of the things that have happened in the past six months or so; I've been humiliated, tackled, harassed by photographers, heartbroken, and beaten, to name a few. The things that keep coming at me are not making me stronger, as you would think; I'm crumbling from the inside out, and I don't know how much more I can take.
I should've known not to come, I think bitterly. I cross my arms and face the pool. The outside speaker is spilling "Boston" into the night, and I can't help but once again think that dramatic music always follows me.
I turn briefly and see James staring at me through the door, looking as if debating something, while Kendall talks to him. I cock my head curiously, wondering what's going through his mind and feeling a sting when I look at his face; every time I see him I'm reminded again of what never was.
Then James seems to come to a decision and begins a full-out sprint towards the door, leaving Kendall to stare after him. I read Kendall's lips, and it looks like he says, Where're you going? I can't even register what's happening, my mind is so confused and jumbled; is he coming out here to talk to me?
James reaches the door and thrusts it open, and I am about to turn around. I don't want him out here, not after what just happened; he and the guys get in my business way to often. I wonder what the hell he's doing as he runs to me and does something that I don't even have time to think about.
He picks me up in his arms as the music swells and the main chorus of "Boston" begins, just like he did on the night of the scandal. His determined, lovely face is no longer uncaring, but focused, illuminated blue by the reflection of the lights in the pool. I don't think; just feel as he presses his soft, warm lips to mine. I don't think as I put my hands on either side of his face, feeling his smooth skin under my fingers. I don't think as he lifts me higher, running a hand through my hair. Tears run down my face, left over from my brief fit over the guy inside.
We are like that for a long time, and I'm thinking that I've never felt so happy, so right with the world, as I do now with James. I don't bother to ask questions. I think that inside I know that this is for real, not some impulsive action that will garner much attention.
I suddenly do hear noise, but it's not the unwelcome click of cameras or fast-talking reporters. It's whistling, and when I glance out of the corner of my eye I see the guys, Carlos being the whistler. Kendall has his arms folded over his chest, but a small smile is on his face. Logan looks ecstatic also, and I notice that the girls aren't with them. So it's just us five, the end piano part of "Boston" slowly tapering off into nothingness.
James releases me and sets me down, his face serious but not cold. I am immensely relieved at this.
"Wh-" I begin, but he stops me.
"Katie," he begins. He laughs lightly and looks around. I think that it's nice to hear him laugh again, my mind still spinning about what just happened. "Wow, I don't even know how to say this, but…since the night you told me you loved me, I had thought that your crush was annoying and stupid, and completely weird." I raise an eyebrow.
"Fantastic beginning," I say, sarcasm marring my tone. Despite my less than enthusiastic tone, elation is running through me, kicking my adrenaline into high-gear.
"Let me finish," he says, holding up a hand. "But then, the night of the scandal, something changed. I didn't know what it was, I just felt so different about you. That's probably why I kissed you." He smiles a small smile and continues. "And I didn't realize what it was until I saw you with Zack. Hell, I didn't even realize it then. But I was jealous, I think." He laughs shakily and runs a hand through his hair. "And when I found Zack beating you…Katie, I…I fell in love with you. But still, I didn't pay any attention to what I was feeling."
My heart flutters inside my chest. Can he really be saying what I've yearned for all these past months? Can he really be saying that he loves me? I don't really believe it; after all that I've been through- all that we've been through- I can't find it in myself to hope. It will hurt too much if he breaks me again.
"And when I told you that I loved you like a sister…it felt completely wrong, and I finally figured it out- I'm in love with you, Katie." My heart actually explodes this time, and I think that I've never been so joyful.
"You know what?" I ask quietly, suddenly looking down. "Even when I was with Zack, and even though I was in love with him…you were still there in the back of my mind. I've loved you since I was fourteen years old, James, and you don't know how bad I've wanted you to love me." A tear slips down my cheek and I reach up to wipe it off. I can't believe this is happening, can't believe that James actually loves me. I am soaring, and I think that if I wanted to I could fly over the moon.
"AWWW!" someone beside us explodes, and I see that the someone is Carlos. I roll my eyes and James laughs. Jo rushes out of the door, followed closely by Haile, and asks urgently, "What'd I miss?" Her eyes widen when she sees James and I smiling, and she puts a hand over her mouth.
Kendall steps forward, walking up to James. He stops and looks between the two of us. I love my brother, and know that he only wants to keep me safe; but I'm worried about what he's planning to say to James.
"You break her heart, I'll break your face," he says. James stands stock-still for a moment, and then Kendall claps him on the back, breaking out into a huge smile.
"Gee, thanks, Watts," I say to him sarcastically. Kendall nods at me.
"Anytime."
I turn to James, and wrap my arms around his neck.
He looks at me, shocked. "So, you still love me, Katie? I want to make up for all the pain I've caused you, but I'll understand if you-" I cut him off by pressing a finger to his lips. He grins cockily.
He snakes his arms around my waist and I get on my tiptoes. I kiss his lips again, and I hear Kendall groan. I pull away.
"Please tell me you guys won't be doing that all the time," he says, closing his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his nose. I laugh and turn back to James, who is smiling crazily. He grabs my hand, making my stomach flip. How can this beautiful person want to hold my hand?
"Hey, guys, could we have some privacy?" he asks them, and they nod. Carlos gives me a thumbs up on his way out the door, and I roll my eyes.
When they are gone, James puts his arm around my back and leads me over to the pool. I sit on the edge, slipping off my flats and dipping my feet in the cool water, my mind racing. He slips his legs around me and I lean back on his chest, sighing happily.
"So," I begin, biting my lip, trying to think of where to start. "Where do we go from here?"
He smiles.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Yeah, I know, it's corny. But continue reading (thataway) and you'll see the epilogue. And I really encourage you to read the author's note, for important info and thanks :)
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