36.

Elliot rushed from the living room to Olivia's bedroom. He'd heard a strangled cry and barged into her room without knocking. Olivia was sitting upright in bed, tears on her face and breathing heavily. He was by her side within a second. She'd slept so well the night before, but he should have known the nightmares wouldn't stay away for quite some time. Olivia wasn't responding to his presence and he wondered what the dream had been about. She looked at him then but he could tell she wasn't really seeing him. She turned away from him quickly, hiding her face and Elliot didn't know what to do. Touching her might make her anxiety worse so he tried talking softly to her.

"Liv, it's me. Elliot. You had a bad dream but you're safe now."

Olivia suppressed a sob and tried to breathe. It has just been too real and she couldn't look at Elliot right now. And she couldn't tell him either. She had dreamed that she was in bed with him and they were about to make love. When he'd pulled her shirt up over her head, her hands had suddenly been handcuffed to the bed and it had been Lewis on top of her, his hands everywhere on her body while she'd been powerless to stop him. She still saw his face, his satisfied grin as he continued to humiliate her.

Elliot got up to get her a glass of water and sat down on her other side as he handed it to her, so he could see her face. She still wouldn't look at him.

"You're safe Liv. It wasn't real," he said reassuringly.

Olivia nodded but didn't say anything. She took a sip of water.

"Do you want to tell me ..."

"No!"

Elliot raised his eyebrows in surprise and Olivia whispered 'sorry' before turning away from him again.

"I ... I'll be okay in a minute El. Just ..."

He stood up again and left her alone to recompose herself. He felt powerless and had the urge to hit something. He paced in the living room for a while but he had a hard time calming down. He couldn't help her with this and it was beyond frustrating. He was doing everything he could think of to let Olivia know she was safe and it still wasn't enough. He knew it was too soon. He knew that victims needed years to get over their trauma completely - if they ever did. He couldn't expect Olivia to shake it off after a month, no matter how strong she was. He was furious at the man who had made her this way, so she couldn't even look her best friend in the eye. He walked back to her door but changed his mind and walked back to the living room. Maybe he should go out for a run to get the anger out of his system but he couldn't leave Olivia alone. Not without telling her, and he needed to give her space to come out of her room on her own accord. He opened the sliding door and stood on the balcony, hands on the bannister and his head bowed. He would give anything just to take her pain away. He'd take it on himself if he could. But he couldn't.

"El?"

Elliot was back inside in a second. Olivia was standing next to the couch and he could see relief on her face. He felt guilty for going out on the balcony and making her think he had left, and walked over to her quickly.

"Are you back?" he asked, knowing she'd been in a completely different place earlier.

"More or less," she answered. "I'm beginning to think I shouldn't sleep during the day anymore."

Elliot nodded. That might not be a bad idea. She'd be more tired at night but maybe it would be better to find a normal rhythm again. He wanted to reach out to her but he wasn't sure if she could be touched right now. He looked into her sad eyes. Before he could decide what to do, Olivia closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around his waist, hiding her face in the crook of his neck. He put his arms around her gently as well and breathed out slowly. They didn't speak. He knew she wasn't going to tell him about her dream right now and he wouldn't ask again. He just held her for as long as she needed him to. When she finally lifted her head to look at him, he blinked away his own tears a little too late.

"Oh El," she said softly, placing a hand against his cheek.

He rested his forehead against hers and tried to smile.

"When you hurt, I hurt," he told her and she knew it was true. She could see it in his eyes and she could feel it when he held her close. She could see it in his outrage that someone had hurt her. Somehow, she could even hear it in his heartbeat.

She told herself not to think when she moved her hand to the back of his neck and pulled him down a little. She could hear his breath hitch and she closed her eyes when her lips touched his, ever so briefly. Elliot exhaled and his warm breath hit her lips. Lewis was not taking this away from her. She might have more terrifying dreams, but this was real. Elliot was real and he was here. He wasn't moving and she smiled slightly, realizing she had the power to make him freeze on the spot. She pressed her lips to his again, kissing him softly before releasing him.

Elliot's anger had seeped out of him and into the carpet and he stepped out of it, into a new feeling of peace and resolve. Of certainty that they were going to get through this. He had seen her determination just before that second kiss. He'd seen Olivia Benson who wanted her life back. And she wanted him to be in it. They were going to get through this.

...

Olivia was back in her room, putting on the red dress they had bought earlier. It was a nice summer dress with short sleeves, a tight top and a loose skirt that ended just below the knees. She had grabbed some makeup from her hotel bathroom when she packed her bag, and she decided to put some on. It had been over a month but she finally wanted to look nice again. She only put on some mascara and lipstick but it made a world of difference. She felt different. She noticed that it was becoming easier to put her disturbing dreams aside and return to the present. She was learning to separate what was not real from her real life. She wasn't denying she had a problem, but she was learning to focus on the here and now, and actually enjoy it. She needed more positive experiences to cancel out the negative ones, or at least feel like she was getting better gradually. Elliot had promised her they weren't going to a crowded place and he'd booked a table near the exit. That was all she really needed to know.

She slipped into the only pair of pumps she had with her and had to take a few steps to get used to the feeling of walking in heels again. She thought she looked nice and grinned at herself when she felt something bubbly in her stomach. She was actually a little excited about going out. On an actual date. With Elliot. She pushed the memory of her dream aside when it popped back into her head. She wasn't going to worry about anything just yet. They were just going to have a relaxing evening.

Elliot was pacing again in the living room. He grinned at himself. He was pacing for a very different reason than earlier that day. He was actually a little nervous about the evening. He had dressed up a little, wearing a casual black summer suit with a white shirt but no tie. He'd left the top two buttons of his shirt undone, knowing Olivia liked that and was now waiting for her to come out of her room. When she finally emerged, his stomach clenched. He didn't know where to look first, her beautiful face with the red lips, her wavy short hair, the red dress they had picked out together, her long legs of her black high heels. After taking her in from head to toe, he settled on her eyes and he took a deep breath when he saw that her smile was reaching her eyes this time. He blew out his breath and smiled at her.

"Wow Liv," he sighed. "You look amazing."

She smiled shyly.

"You're not so bad yourself."

...

Dinner was nice and relaxed. Almost like old times they both agreed, and they talked about the happier memories of their time together on the job. The restaurant had a very romantic ambiance and Olivia had relaxed as soon as she had been seated, her back to a wall and the exit in plain view. Elliot's broad physique shielded her from most of the other guests and she felt safe there.

Elliot enjoyed just looking at Olivia and listening to her voice as she talked about the good old days with Munch and Fin. He really missed the guys, and the job. They talked about his family and hers, and how she hoped that her niece Olivia would become a bigger part of her life one day. They avoided sensitive topics like Kathy or Olivia's therapy and nightmares but Elliot didn't feel like that was creating a distance between them. It was like a silent understanding they shared. When he mentioned wanting to become a cop again, Olivia was a little worried. She didn't want him to relive his own trauma again and he just shook his head at her.

"Do you even hear yourself talking?" he asked, winking at her.

She smiled, told him 'point taken' and after that, she tried to steal some food off his plate. She even had a decent dessert and they were both completely full after that. But Olivia didn't feel like leaving yet. The evening had been so nice and she wanted to hang on to it just a little longer.

"Coffee?" Elliot asked, and she nodded.

"That sounds great."

She'd had two glasses of wine and wanted to clear her head.

"You won't sleep for a while. Are you sure?" Elliot asked.

"Yeah, just a small one will be fine El. I just want to stay here a bit longer."

He was glad she was enjoying their evening so much. He was too. When they finally strolled back to his apartment he put an arm around her. It was getting a little chilly and she put an arm around him as well. Someone kicked over a garbage can in an alley and Olivia didn't jump at the sudden sound. He pulled her a little closer and she smiled at him. Her cheeks were a little rosy from the wine and her eyes were shining. It took a lot of restraint not to kiss her right there in the middle of the street. They were going home to his place and he wondered how their first date would end. He wanted to kiss her again but he wasn't sure she was ready. It would be up to her.

They both kicked off their shoes simultaneously at the door and laughed out loud. Totally in sync, even now.

"You want a nightcap Liv? Or are you turning in right away?"

"A nightcap after a first date? Jee, I don't know El," she joked and Elliot laughed again.

"If you're having a drink, I'll join you. But I'm going to change into something a little more comfortable first, okay?"

Olivia had rushed off to her room before he could answer her and he took off his jacket and poured himself a small glass of scotch while he waited for her to return. He made her a cup of tea, knowing she wouldn't want any more alcohol. Olivia didn't take long and Elliot swallowed hard when she came back, wearing one of her new silk nightgowns and her new silk robe. The cream colored nightgown had spaghetti straps and ended an inch above her knees. The cream colored robe spilled all the way down to her ankles but it was only held together by a sash around the waist so he could see most of her long legs when she walked. Or when she sat down, like she was doing now.

Elliot quickly joined her on the couch and set her hot tea down on the coffee table. Olivia draped her robe over her knees and picked up her glass. They drank in silence and Olivia thanked him for the tea. It was just what she needed, warm and relaxing. When she'd finished her tea, she looked at her handsome companion. How do you end a date with your best friend? Elliot seemed to pick up on her thoughts and stood up, holding out his arm.

"Allow me to escort you home," he said formally, and she laughed, getting up as well and accepting his arm. He walked her to the door of her bedroom and stopped there.

"I had a great time tonight Liv," he said honestly. "I hope we can do this again soon."

"Me too El," she replied. "Thank you so much. For everything."

She looked into his eyes, hoping he would know what she meant. He was being so considerate and so patient with her and she didn't feel any pressure from him. Elliot placed his hands on her waist and looked at her, and she finally allowed herself to see the tenderness in his eyes, and his love for her. She placed her hands on his hips and smiled.

"It's okay El. You can kiss me after the first date."

"Your pace Liv. You set the pace, okay?"

His voice was soft but intense and she knew this was difficult for him. It was difficult for her as well. Her dream from that afternoon flashed through her mind again but she pushed it aside, focusing on Elliot's blue eyes in stead.

"Okay," she whispered, and Elliot leaned in to kiss her softly on the lips.

She kissed him back, and sighed when Elliot pulled her lower lip between his before kissing her again. Her arms moved to his back on their own accord and Elliot pulled her close to him as well as their kiss deepened, their tongues touching for the first time ever. Olivia closed her eyes and felt like her heart was going to explode. She kissed him harder, and Elliot let out a low moan. The sound made her open her eyes and she pulled back a little, ending their kiss with a soft plop as she released his lip. Elliot took a few deep breaths and she placed her trembling hands on his chest.

"You okay?" Elliot asked, his voice low and hoarse.

"Yeah. I'm okay," she said softly. "Very much so."

They both smiled and Elliot took a small step back. His body was reeling but he had to stop now or he might go too far. She should set the pace, not him. Olivia let her hands glide down his chest and then off his body. He knew it was her stop sign and he accepted it in his heart, although his body was still protesting a little.

"Goodnight Liv."

"Goodnight El."

"Call me if you need anything."

"I will."

...