During my deployment, I stew in my feelings about Gale. The sniper squad is stationed in a small District 2 settlement and shipped into the main city each day. Our job is to guard what remains of their main military center, picking off any lingering threats. What I see disgusts me: the grief of the families, the sheer number of casualties, and the knowledge that many of the people inside were just living their lives and trying to stay safe.
Trout is on leave for the first few days I'm back, so I have plenty of time to lie in our empty tent and think. When Prim's medic unit meets up with mine, she joins me each night, barely functioning in her grief.
"Where do you and Gale stand?" she asks one night, lying on Trout's cot. A light snow has begun falling outside, and we're both cranky from being damp and cold day and night.
I answer honestly, "I don't know, Duck. I think we need to be away from all of this to figure it out."
"I'm not sure Rory and I can stay together after this." She sniffles in the darkness. "I always thought nothing could change us...but he's so angry, so blind...I feel like all of this broke him."
"You can't go back to him if he's going to act how he's been acting. The way he grabbed you..." There were a few families in District 12 where the men pushed around the women and the peacekeepers looked the other way. The wives would come to my mother with dislocated shoulders, bloody lips...sometimes worse.
That's not going to be Prim, not while I can help it.
"He's not the same person," she agrees, her voice breaking. "I'm so stupid, Katniss. How could we be so stupid? We're too young, there was too much going on. I thought being married was just like we were before, only we got to live together. But there's so much more, and now his decisions are my decisions..." she trails off, sobbing.
"This is not your fault." And thank goodness you're not really married, I add in my mind.
"I should have done more, I should have tried harder to help him see..."
"You can't save him or fix him, Prim. You can't carry that burden around. Terrible things have happened to Rory, and you can't change what that's done to him."
There are sobs from the other cot, and Prim eventually crawls into my bed. "I just wish I could love him enough so he was less angry," she hiccups.
"That's not how it works," I remind her as I stroke her hair, thinking of Gale. Gale will have to figure out for himself what's right and wrong. I know in my heart what's right; I won't back down from that. I will fight for my family, but I won't put innocent people in harm's way if I can help it. I just hope my husband comes to the same conclusion.
The days stretch on, each one the same as the last. Trout comes back from her leave and immediately picks up on my mood. I explain the basics of what's going on, but I otherwise leave it alone.
It feels as if the war is at a standstill. District 2 remains unstable; even with the military base destroyed, there are loyalists in many settlements, and we're constantly on guard for ambushes and outbreaks of fighting.
When I get back to District 13, the tension in the air is different, but just as thick. Gale and I barely speak for the 3 days we have together, and I count myself lucky that Rory is out on deployment.
After Gale leaves again, I collapse into our bed and bury my face in his pillow. It smells like him. Like the woods and coal...it smells safe and familiar. I battle my need to have him around and the feeling of loss. He's different than the person I thought he was, his goals are different than mine. And I'm not sure where that leaves us.
One night, Posy crawls into my bed and catches me clinging to Gale's pillow with tears in my eyes.
"Do you miss Gale, Katniss? I miss him, too." She sniffles a bit as I take her in my arms. "And Rory. But even when they're here, they're mad all the time."
"I know sweetie. There's a lot going on and they don't know what to do."
"Are you and Prim mad, too?" Her voice shakes, and I realize how hard this must be on her. She lost her mother, and the only other parental figures she knows are a mess.
"We're scared and confused, but not mad. And never at you." I snuggle her more closely into my side.
Gale and I trade off deployments again, careful in our 3 days together to present a cheerful, confident face to the kids. Vick is chosen for an advanced school program, and he's hoping to become a hovercraft pilot. Posy makes friends and spends her evenings telling us about the fun they have.
Gale and I sleep in separate beds. I join Prim when he's around, and Rory storms off to sleep in the singles barracks. Haymitch is busy in Command, and the rest of the Star Squad is subdued. The whole district is stuck waiting for whatever will happen next.
Finally, after 2 more rounds of deployments and awkward days together, I'm with one of the first groups shipped to the outskirts of the Capitol. As we flop down in our new tent (centered around heaters since the weather is well below freezing), Trout tells me what she's heard: a few squads will be left to watch over District 2, but everyone else will be shipped to the Capitol. They're hoping to amass the majority of 13's military, along with much of the district rebellion, to finally overtake the Capitol. Soldiers are pouring in from everywhere. The fishermen from District 4 and techies from District 3 shiver in awe at the snow. The District 1 soldiers have fur-lined mittens. Districts 10 and 11 dress in leather and bring with them increased rations and loud, unrelenting chatter. District 12 provides next to nothing; most of us were decimated months ago, and those who have survived are shipped in with District 13's soldiers.
Each day, Trout and I (along with the rest of our squad) perch atop abandoned buildings or on the edge of mountain ridges. Our job at this point is simply to watch the scouts, taking out any threats to their survival.
By the end of the week, I've managed to shoot a mountain lion and nothing else.
We grow bored and begin making lists of what we miss from home.
"Fresh seafood." Trout breaks a 20 minute silence one morning as we shiver in our lookout.
"The woods." I blow into my hands.
"The sun back when it was WARM!" She yells, as if the sun can hear her.
"Hunting."
"Fishing."
"Boots that fit me."
"Clothes that had color."
"Gale." We rarely share much about the people we miss. I know the basics. Trout lost her family during the uprising and just barely escaped when the Capitol bombed. She has a leg full of scars to prove it.
Trout puts an arm around me, padded with layers and layers of dull gray fabric. "You'll figure it out," she says, eyes still on the valley we're defending. "The war has to end someday, then you can rebuild."
I hope so.
Our camp is the largest of several, scattered among the abandoned villages on the outskirts of the Capitol. Luckily, the "Star Squad" is also stationed here, which means Peeta and I can huddle by the giant heaters in the evenings. He grumbles about the too-rehearsed propo shoots and frets over Delly (who is back in 13, and wants nothing to do with mandatory military training). I grumble about Gale and Rory, and fret over Prim (who seems to be sent into the field much too often for my comfort). We clutch mugs of hot tea and watch the regulated chaos of the military camp.
It strikes me one evening that Peeta has easily become my best friend, and I his. Our parents are dead. We have our siblings, but they have their own lives. He has Delly, I have Gale...but without Madge around, the only other close relationship we have is with one another. I can't determine whether that's a lonely or comforting thought.
Of course, sometimes we spend our evenings with Trout, or with the rest of the Star Squad (minus Rory, who has the good sense to avoid me). I soon learn to appreciate Finnick for who he is, rather than who the Capitol made him be. I even reach some sort of understanding with Johanna. Yes, she's crude and loud, but that's one of her many defenses. If I understand anything, it's the need for a shell.
A couple of weeks in, as Peeta and I huddle beside the heater in comfortable silence, a quiet figure sits down beside me. He doesn't say a word, just stares at the artificial warmth.
Peeta pats me on the arm, stands, and walks away, leaving me with our new visitor.
"Catnip." Gale's voice is cautious.
"Who's with the kids?" I ask, knowing that the original arrangement had us on opposite deployments. Surely District 13 wouldn't send them to the Community Home, right?
"They said Prim could stay with Vick and Posy...they needed as many people out here for the siege. And you know...Star Squad," he gestures to his uniform.
I lean my head on his shoulder. "I miss you." I say it quietly, unsure of what else to broach where we are. Too much is unsaid.
His arm slips around me and he kisses my forehead. "Me, too, Catnip."
We sit like that long after camp settles into the quiet hum of nighttime. This isn't an apology. I'm not sure it's even a truce. It's a simple acknowledgement that we're in over our heads, and we don't know what tomorrow will bring. And, as we have for 8 years, we need one another.
This becomes our new routine. We don't talk much. We don't kiss or make love...but every evening we sit by the heaters together, alone in our thoughts, but present together until we retire to our separate tents. For now, it's enough.
The Rebel forces advance on the Capitol, inch by inch, day by day. Soon, I find myself roosting on top of recently-inhabited buildings just inside the limits of the Capitol. The residents have been driven slowly toward the city center.
Gale and Peeta's squad trails just behind the leading front, shooting propos. Haymitch and Beetee have been moved to a temporary command center in the main encampment, and from there they are often able to break into the Capitol feed. They supplement the "combat propos" with Prim's narration. I'm uncomfortable with the amount of attention Prim is getting, as I worry she could become a target for assassination. But her story seems to have captured the attention of the Capitol and Rebellion alike.
It also means that she and Rory frequently appear together on screen, regardless of their private stalemate.
Finally, in the last cold weeks before spring breaks through, our commanders gather us around and plan for the final overthrow of Snow's government. We've been deployed for well over 2 months by now, but no one is allowed to return to 13. Every person is needed.
Peeta frequently brings up his concern: civilian casualties. I'm sure there are soldiers (well, "soldiers," it still feels like many of us are playing at being in combat) all over the camps raising the same concerns. But Peeta's voice is more likely to be heard. Eventually, just after dinner one night, the argument comes to a head.
Peeta has been discussing his worries with Boggs and Coin. My attempts to support him were met with scorn or ignored outright, so he's been spending most of his evenings talking to them himself. Tonight he's meeting with a group that also contains Haymitch, Plutarch and Beetee. Beetee's presenting some population projections regarding the importance of preserving life. Finnick and I are hanging in the perimeter of the meeting, evesdropping. And Peeta is arguing impassionedly about the importance of protecting innocent civilians.
At this point, Coin bites back, "President Snow's M.O. has been to target innocents specifically and repeatedly. We will not show them the mercy they have refused to show others."
Beetee protests, "but we will need to have a population high enough for long-term survival..."
"I've heard your arguments and taken them into account. As I've said before, we will not specifically target innocents unless necessary. However, we will not slow our advance or avoid certain areas simply to protect them. If we show weakness, if we slow down, we may not prevail." She gives another wave of her hand to dismiss Peeta and Beetee.
"With all due respect, President Coin, many people might think that makes us no better than them." Peeta fixes Coin with a hard gaze.
From behind me, Rory bursts into the meeting, pushing Finnick and I aside. Gale appears at my shoulder and murmurs, "I tried to keep him out of it..."
"Stop being such a pussy, Mellark. Who cares if we kill some Capitol stooges? Do you remember what they did to you? To me? Do you remember the Hunger Games, Peeta? Remember when you killed? Remember what you told me before I went into the arena?" He takes a deep breath and does his best Peeta impression, "'whatever happens out there, Rory, it's not your fault. It's the Capitol's fault. The only way home is to stay alive,' and guess what Peeta? It's still the Capitol's fault. So no, we're no better than them, but it doesn't matter. They all have to burn." Rory's voice cracks a bit at the end of his tirade and his eyes are wild. I'm not sure if he's going to cry or tackle Peeta. Instead he marches back into the maze of tents.
Coin appraises the Victors. "You'd be wise to follow Soldier Hawthorne's example, Peeta, and support the decisions we've made. Your life will be much easier when we win."
My blood runs cold at her words, and even Gale's arm around me doesn't bring warmth. She's threatening him.
Beetee and Haymitch avoid eye contact and retreat into the temporary shelter. Coin fixes Peeta with a stern gaze and follows.
The Rebellion continues to advance on the Capitol, slowly tightening the noose we've formed around the city. From our rooftop roosts, Trout and I watch the exodus of innocent people, ever mindful to look for peacekeepers or threats to our troops.
"I don't like this," she mutters one day as we watch a family wander down the street in the cold. The smallest member, who can't be more than 2 years old, toddles along crying. She wears no coat, and her lips are blue.
"Me neither," I agree.
That night as we return to our tent, Coin announces that she's brought in all the reserve troops for the final push to the city center. Once there, we will capture the president, take over the mansion, and put an end to this war. A mix of dread and relief floods my system.
The dread only gets worse when my sister appears at dinner.
So, that didn't turn out how I planned/expected, but I'm content with it. Let me know what you think!