Tourism 36: Romance does not cross the cultural barrier well.

I thought, and thought, and somewhere within these thoughts I ended up thinking that there really should be a particular thought that I tackle first. In the end, that thought to be tackled turned out to be Tsukiyomi.

Or at least it was the first thought I made any headway with, despite my constant thinking.

I had been bed-confined in the medical room for nearly two weeks now and with each day that passed I grew more restless. Supposedly, according to various godly diagnoses, I would be able to leave within a few days. I would still have to take it easy but due to Thoth's quick application of the tonic and Yui's surprisingly proficient stitch work my recovery couldn't have been quicker. If I had been injured like that in the human world and treated with human remedies I surely would have either died or been in the healing process for many months (even years) longer.

It was on a Thursday afternoon that I asked Susanoo about Tsukiyomi. The sea god was the only one to visit me today. As much as everyone had expressed their desire to visit me and save me of my boredom, I understood they had their own business to take care of and could not spend every waking hour with me.

"So," I said, with no real focus on the conversation at hand. My mind was stuck on the image of Tsukiyomi – of Tsukiyomi's hand gripping my wrist, of Tsukiyomi's golden eyes on mine, of Tsukiyomi's confession exhaled so intimately, pitter-pattering against the skin of my lips. "How's everything?"

"That's a bit of a vague question." Susanoo responded, eyeing me with one brow raised. He knew I was acting strange. Stranger than usual. Of course, nothing could beat the strangeness of the night of the Christmas market. But he hadn't brought that up yet. I was dreading the moment he would.

"Uh-huh." I hadn't registered what he had said. I just assumed he had answered and so replied accordingly with an acknowledgement. "How's your class work?"

"Alice, are you even paying atten-"

"How's your brother?" It spilled out, in one breath. I felt a bit frazzled and lightheaded from the sudden emotional release. It was like I had just removed the plug from a bathtub. All my emotions and thoughts were slowly slipping away down the drain, straight into Susanoo's awaiting open palm.

"Ah-ha! So we get to the root of the problem. Finally." said Susanoo, throwing his hands up in the air, relieved. "I've been waiting for you to bring this up actually. I tried to talk about it before at the market but..." He trailed off. Now was not the time to talk about that night, not yet. He knew that. But it would be soon. For now he would just allude to it, but I knew in the near future some direct questions were on their way. Although, it wasn't like I would be able to respond to them anyway.

"Tsukiyomi has been weighing on my mind for some time." He and many other things included.

"I can tell. You've been avoiding him for such a long time now and nobody really knows why. I don't even know how your relationship with him became so complicated in the first place. It was so simple before."

"I know." I said miserably, dragging my hands across my sunken eyes. I was so tired. I guess being sliced through the gut with Balder's weird magical ray of light could do that to you. To be honest though, I think my exhaustion came more from mental duress. So, so much mental duress.

"Well, in answer to your question, he's been very withdrawn. Even from me. He doesn't make notes on anything, just kind of stares off into the distance, and frankly he looks a mess..." He heaved a sigh. "He's been having nightmares Alice. About you. I hear him mumbling in his sleep."

"Oh no..."

"Oh yes. Almost every night I hear him."

"That's bizarre!" I exclaimed, quite suddenly, surprising myself.

"That's my brother."

"No. No, it's not. He's bizarre in other ways – in subtle charming ways. It's the little things with him. But nightmares – about me? That's big. Real big. Just because I rejected his confession—"

"You what?" Susanoo thundered. I could tell it took all his will power not to throttle this poor injured girl that very moment. He flexed his fingers, as if stretching the rage from his joints, and said through gritted teeth, "He confessed to you? And you straight up reject him?"

"No! I didn't mean to reject him. Well, no, I mean, I would have rejected him anyway if I had only been in the right min—" I was stopped short. This was the point where I could say no more, the point where I was physically unable to spit the words out no matter how much my mind willed it. Besides, I was seeing Susanoo's face begin to boil an ugly shade of red as I spoke. "Listen, no matter the circumstances I would have rejected your brother. It's just the way things have to go, you know?"

Susanoo's seething look was set upon my bed sheets and nowhere near my face. He couldn't even bring himself to look me in the eye. He did not like me at this moment. That much was clear. He grumbled darkly, "No. I don't know." To be honest, I didn't know either. Was it really the way things had to go? My runaway mouth seemed to think so.

I spoke, rapidly, not really sure to what words came from my mouth, feeling rather like a puppet with twisted strings, "I never intended to hurt him. Why would I? It was just a surprise, that's all. He grabbed me from out of nowhere and pulled me aside. He said he had been researching romance in the library and apparently he had been talking to you..."

At the mention of his own presence in my explanation Susanoo's ire seemed to diminish somewhat. He scowled, now most likely directed towards himself. He kicked my bedside table and the flower-filled vase atop teetered dangerously. "I-I didn't mean for him to spring something like that on you. I had just been asking him about you and suddenly he comes out saying things like 'when I am around her my stomach quivers and strangely it does not feel altogether bad' or 'I must work out a way to get Alice to talk to me again but I fear I will scare her away'."

His impression of Tsukiyomi was uncanny and I felt myself jolt because of it. No doubt this was a word for word account of things Tsukiyomi had said. That made it all the worse.

"You can see why I would then start grilling him about you. It felt like, maybe, there was something there. It's hard to tell with him and I didn't want to lead him astray if he didn't feel anything towards you..."

There was a pregnant pause.

"I just want him to be happy."

"Yeah, I do too." I agreed. "But I still don't think he could be having nightmares because of a rejection." Then, I thought I might like to say "I'm somewhat of an expert when it comes to nightmares" but the words were barred at my lips and instead I told him, in a moment of inspiration, "We don't even know if he actually likes me like that."

"True. It's hard to know what goes on in his head."

"I have a hard time working out what goes on in anyone's head here."

"Also true." He gave me a pointed look which caused me to fall silent in a strange sort of guilt. I would have told him about that night. I would have told him about my complete lack of control over what I did. I would have told him about seeing Balder transform after a jealous fit, becoming something far too terrifying and powerful. I would have told him how horrid it was that I had liked it. But, as I have said, it was impossible. When I tried to speak of it my tongue went languid and my head began to pound. There were things at work that I did not understand. This was another of the thoughts that I needed to think about. Not that thinking about it had got me very far up till that point. My mind just ended up going in circles.

All I could manage to say to Susanoo, in any vague reference to what had happened, was "Keep an eye on Yui, will you?" And naturally he would watch her. I knew how he felt about her. But I said this as the image of Balder's deadly light flashed through my mind. "A close eye. Humans are brittle after all."

He stared – in confusion, in concern. He couldn't work me out and I was sorry for that, but I think he at least understood the importance I had placed upon my words.

We spoke some more (all topics were alleviating trivial things) and he left soon after.

Bleeeeehhhhhh! What is life? Well, I'm here and updating for the first time in ages. I had intended for this chapter to be a super cool, super long mega chapter but because my life is currently downward spiralling into some very important exams I thought I'd just get this out to you. For my sake and yours. Mostly for my sanity.

Next chapter (thatwasactuallysupposedtobeinthischapter): Alice thinks about magic, Alice thinks about Balder, Alice thinks about hurt trees and has a strange run in with Loki. So, yeah, look forward to that.

Thank you to all you internet tiddlypeeps!