Right now, I really hated Ponyboy Curtis. Why the FUCK did he have to make me see Johnny and Dallas right now?! I mean, sure.....I wanted to see them earlier....but now I fear how everythin' will end. Jesus....just seein' Johnnykid like the way he was killed me enough!

I'm tryin' my hardest not to break out into tears right here in public....even though none of the boys'll see me right now. That's right....I ain't even in the hospital right now. Johnny wanted me to buy him another copy of Gone with the Wind from the drugstore and bring it to him. Of course....I'm a little low on cash and I rarely "buy" things anymore, anyways.

So.....you can figure I'll probably steal it in a minute. But not right now....I needed to cool off a bit before I went back there. Seein' the kid like that.....it made me wanna die. It could've been anybody else BUT him....but it was him all right.

I mean....me, Darry, Dally, Tim Shepard and Steve could survive through somethin' like that. Yeah, I'd be an emotional wreck if it had been Dally.....but he could manage somethin' that major better than Johnny could. Even people as weak as Sodapop and Ponyboy could handle themselves better than Johnny could. Now, I ain't sayin' Sodapop wasn't strong....I'm just sayin' that if he were the one dyin' here, he'd struggle a lot and nearly lose.

And Ponyboy.....shoot....the kid could barely even fight let alone survive a serious injury! I know I ain't supposed to bag on him like that, but it's fuckin' true! There's a reason Darry's always on his ass, you know. If he weren't so strict on Pony, then Pony'd probably be dead by now.

Dead.....ugh.....I don't hear that word ever again. Especially since Johnny was in such bad shape. Okay, enough of this; I'm just gonna steal the goddamn book and leave. So, I did just that (boy, I'm surprised they ain't put any signs with my face on it with a bright red "X" over it yet!).

Once I was outta sight from the store, I freed the thick, paperback book from under my shirt and headed straight back for the hospital. When I was there earlier, Johnny was just very weakly commentin' on how tuff it was that he was in the paper. He also mentioned that Tim Shepard had come by to visit Dally. They'd always been great friends....no matter how much Dally claimed he hated him.

Now, upon enterin' the hallway.....I saw a rather short woman waitin' in the hallway, shootin' me the look of murder. She scared me to death.....and nothin' usually scares me unless it's about my friends, family, or Dally. She's probably a mental patient....I might just wanna get outta her way before she uses her pathetically attained telekinetic powers to guess that I'm a fag and throw holy water in my eyes in hopes of castin' the demons out. After all, everybody around here assumes that just because you're gay, Satan is inside your body...pissin' on your organs and touchin' blood veins...causin' them to burn and rot (I've been to church with Mom and Kim once before after dad left....most horrifyin' experience in my entire life. It even beats the night that I found out that I was truly queer and believe me....havin' to get pressured by a bunch of drunk Brumly boys to screw one of them's sister and end up gettin' so frightened by the situation that I was cryin' as the bitch tried to get me hard (but utterly failed) is VERY terrifyin'. As much as I wanted to run....I was terrified that people would catch on to my new discovery. But enough about that. As for church....the only time I ever go to anymore is if my friends wanna go and I actually have an excuse not to listen to anythin' that might offend me).

Whenever I finally made it back to Johnny's room, I bumped into Ponyboy...who was apparently just leavin'. I lifted my head up to face the nurse. "You can't see him right now." I squinted my eyes enough to see why exactly.

Johnny was unconscious.......shit.....no... Please tell me he ain't d-....d-..... Desperate not to finish my thought, I handed the book over to her. "Make sure he can it when he comes around."

She didn't say a thing afterward. She just took the book and closed the door behind her. Why didn't she at least say "okay" or somethin' like that? Was Johnny really....no.

He can't be. Not yet. And if he were, Pony'd be in a confused haze. So far, the only thing I could feel he was interested in was starin' at my back as I stared Johnny's door down.

And that's all I did for the longest time....I could no longer give a rat's ass if Ponyboy was watchin' me or not. Johnny, my best friend.....he was dyin'. Dally, my boyfriend......he was gonna have a heart attack after I told him. And the worst part about this is.....there ain't nothin' I can do to help things get better.

All the times Johnny had either stayed at my house or hung around Dally to keep safe.....they were all for nothin'. Neither me nor Dally could do anythin' to help him now. I guess you can say that me and Dally kinda played as Johnny's foster parents. Hell, the lord knows that I'd adopt Johnny as my own and take Dally's hand in marriage.

Me and Dally were a way better team than Johnny's parents. At least we weren't violent with him. Sure, we'd sometimes horse around each other....but nothin' that would leave scars and emotional baggage. Guh....why'm I thinkin' 'bout everythin' in past tense?!

"I wish it was any one of us except Johnny." I meant it, too. I'd be happy to die for my buddies....Johnny has more to live for than I do. At least the gang would still like him if he and Ponyboy ever came outta the closet. "We could get along without anyone but Johnny."

Then under my breath, I added in, "Ya'll could live without Dally and Johnny....but I couldn't." I was sure to say it so quietly that Ponyboy couldn't hear me. And it was true. Outta everybody in the group, Dally and Johnny were the only two people that I could honestly say I'd be lost without if they were to leave.

Johnny's gonna be okay.....he's gonna be okay.....he's gonna be just fine....just fine. He was gonna live.....he was gonna get outta this place. Me and Dally....we'll take him away from that hell he should be able to call a home....we'll find a place of our own and live as one, big, happy family. Even if gay marriage never gets legalized, me and Dally'll still see each other as spouses.

Hell.....I already see Dally as my husband. I've felt this way about him for a very long time....before all this shit....before my dad left for the first time....before Mr. and Mrs. Curtis died....before everythin', just about. I love him with all the romantic feelin's in my heart. And i know that I'm gonna have to tell him the truth....even if it hurts him.

So, as I turned to see Ponyboy still lookin' at me....I finally said, "Let's go see Dallas."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Hope ya'll are enjoying this ridiculously long story so far!! :)