Thirty-six.

Sprawled across the floor, draped over a few toys and using the elephant for a pillow, Noah slept soundly even though the television sound had not been muted and his mother and Ed were laughing, chatting, and not making much of an attempt to hush their voices. A few faint smears of ketchup and mustard streaked Noah's cheeks and collected in the corners of his mouth. He was facing the sofa. Olivia was certain he was smiling in his sleep.

Or, maybe, she was merely projecting her own joy onto her son. She hadn't stopped smiling since they left the pier.

Ed was...fun.

Funny.

A natural with Noah. So at ease was he with the little boy that Olivia felt a twinge of jealousy. Sometimes she still felt as if she were below novice level at motherhood. Ed took everything from mild temper tantrums to boisterous play in stride.

"Well, should we start the movie?" Olivia asked.

"Sure." Ed glanced back at the kitchen. "I'll clean things up out there."

Noah was still fully dressed. "I'll put his PJs on and get him in bed," Olivia said, "You don't have to clean up, I can get it later, unless," she bit her lip, "Are you...you're a neat freak, aren't you?"

He grinned. "Nah. I'm a polite guest."

Olivia cocked an eyebrow and considered this. "Well, that's not unexpected…"

Ed stood up and took a step toward her. As he had been doing since their first kiss, he moved slowly as if he were concerned about scaring her off. He held her hands. She leaned in. She. Leaned. In! He knew the day had gone well. He saw her become this whole different person-Olivia Benson at ease, at play, laughing...with him.

And Noah of course.

The kiss was quick. Too quick for his liking, but, after Noah was in bed and the kitchen in order, Olivia sat beside him, curling her legs under her body, and settled in against his chest. Instinctively yet gingerly, Ed put his arm across her shoulders, glad she couldn't see his nervous smirk. He felt like he was back in high school.

Should he say something?

Before he could overthink any more, Olivia pressed play and the two of them became absorbed in the movie. It was odd-the filming had taken place practically in their backyards-but the story, one of two unlikely lovers, mirrored their own.

"Good movie," Ed said as soon as the end credits started rolling. He didn't move. Olivia didn't either. In fact, he swore he felt her get even closer, as close as she could get without sitting in his lap. Ed's eyes scanned the room-book titles, some readable from his vantage point, lamps with low wattage light bulbs casting frosty yellowish light throughout the space, Noah's toys and books strewn around the floor. It was cozy, warm, inviting, and Ed never wanted to leave.

"You really liked it?"

"Yeah I did."

"Why?" She boldly asked.

Picking up on the fact she was reading his mind, Ed answered, albeit evasively. "It was funny, cute story, made...a lot of sense."

"Made a lot of sense?"

"Yeah."

"How so?"

With a pained expression, Ed elaborated. Olivia wasn't letting him off the hook. "Reminded me of us. Except, of course, I'm not a millionaire and I don't have a boat, but, the general concept…"

"That's not why I suggested it," Olivia said. She sat up and created space between the two of them, "The fair really did remind me, but...half way through, I realized that too." They sat in silence until it got uncomfortable. "Ed?"

"Yeah?"

"What's...happening here? With us?" There. The questions had been on her mind for a few weeks, right around the time they shared their first real kiss. Due to work constraints, they'd seen one another sporadically, but called and sent texts back and forth. They were clearly more-than-friends, but Olivia needed some sort of confirmation, validation, that what she was feeling was not only real but was also reciprocal.

"I, uh…" He broke into an abashed grin, "I was gonna say I don't know, but I do know. Every time we see each other, it's just good, ya know?"

"I know."

"So is there another fair next weekend?"

She fell into him and they laughed together for a moment. "No, I don't think so."

"I'll find one."

"It was so fun today," Olivia said, sounding dejected, as if no more fun times were to be had now or ever again.

"Was nice seein you...like that, bein a mom, havin' fun." He touched her cheek with a fingertip, "You're so beautiful when you smile like you smiled today." He grinned as she flushed and ducked her eyes, "And when you're embarrassed...like right now." He lowered his head and made eye contact. "Still feel weird? The two of us? Like this?"

"No...it feels...comfortable."

Ed chuckled. "Not sure if that's good or bad."

"Oh it's good," Olivia replied, "I don't get to this place very easily."

"That's an extremely gratifying compliment."

Olivia had no idea what to say other than admit he was right and turn the tables so he received some of the spotlight. "You know, you're not someone who seems like he's been comfortable very often, either."

"Now what gave you that idea?" He deadpanned.

To his extreme delight, she laughed and dryly retorted, "The past twenty years."

"Twenty?"

"Okay, ten. Ish."

"For so long we had no clue about each other," Ed murmured.

"Neither of us thought we wanted to know."

"Now I wanna know everything about you, Olivia...Benson."

She furrowed her brow. "What was that?"

"What?"

"That pause."

"Oh, uh," Ed felt the heat and blood and shame rush to his face and nearly burst his pores wide open.

"Tell me," Olivia demanded.

"I, uh...I know your middle name...I...kinda like it."

"Margaret?"

"Yeah."

"You like it?"

"Yep."

"So say it."

She was as close as she could be to his lips without kissing them. Her eyes were intense, desirous, and full of playful sincerity.

"I wanna know everything about you, Olivia Margaret Benson."

"Sounds like you've said it before."

"May have rehearsed once or twice."

His face turned a deeper shade of crimson. If Olivia had wanted to stop herself from kissing him, she couldn't have. Indescribable yet addictive sensations coursed through her body as they locked lips. Ed's hands stayed around her head and shoulders; she was sure he would have taken her to bed if she asked, but he was patient and careful and, down the road, when she was certain she was in love with him, she would pinpoint Ed's patience as the one specific thing that won her over.

….

Olivia awoke to Ed kissing her face. Careful not to put too much of his weight on her, he leaned on a forearm, getting just enough leverage to hover an inch or two over her body. She had been whimpering softly in her sleep. The sound woke him from what was really an extended dozing session; sleep still did not come easily. He sat up, concerned, only to see her lips curled into a tiny smile, yet, she was thrashing her shoulders against the pillow.

"Mmmmm," she droned as her eyes fluttered open. "Hi there."

"Hi." He smiled sweetly at her. "Shoulders hurtin?"

"Yeah," she replied in a throaty voice and not sounding at all surprised he'd guessed the ailment, "Was I whining?"

"You were sayin' Ed, come closer." Smirking, he stretched out under the covers. He loved the feel of their sheets, cool and crisp against his skin. Olivia smiled sweetly when he brushed her cheek with the back of his fingers. "You want me to rub 'em?"

Olivia wasn't in a hurry to extract herself from the covers, but she agreed anyway, sat up so Ed could wedge himself behind her, and closed her eyes as his strong hands worked out the knots in her muscles. Ed kissed the back of her head periodically during the massage. He loved the closeness, he loved their bedroom, he loved how together they felt. In their four or so years together, they'd faced more than their share of harrowing experiences, yet, each time, their relationship emerged even stronger. Since Ed admitted how terrified he'd been after the shooting, he and Olivia habitually checked in with each other before falling asleep each night. The routine lifted them to an even higher level of trust, companionship, and love even though Ed and Olivia both admitted they didn't think it was possible to be any closer than they already were.

"Mmmm," Olivia moaned again, "I need you to follow me around all day and do this."

"Okay," Ed replied, sounding every bit like he was willing to rub her shoulders both constantly and indefinitely. He kissed the back of her head without disrupting the patterns her was making. "In a few weeks...you can have a massage any time ya want."

The comment was flirty and innocent, but it filled Olivia with unease. She had spent the downtime of the past two weeks sorting out what, exactly, retirement meant for her, and she still had no idea. She couldn't remember a time in her life when she wasn't a cop, or, at least, thinking like one, and, up until a few years ago, she had absolutely nothing to retire to. Now she had a husband, children, a beautiful Manhattan apartment and, gulp, a beach house. Living it was one thing; reflecting on it as one entity was overwhelming.

"Ed, I'm a little apprehensive about the whole thing."

The remark hit him like a gut punch. "You are?"

"Yes." Declaring the massage over, she leaned back against him and sighed as he wrapped his arms around her. She articulated everything she was thinking without omitting any details or downplaying the enormity of the impending changes.

Ed took a few moments to respond. For once, he had quite a bit to say, but he settled on a simple statement. "Liv, no matter what, I'm on your side."

She folded her hands over his. "Thank you."

"And if I'm annoyin' ya...when we have all this time together, just tell me to leave or something."

"I don't think I could do that."

"It won't hurt my feelings."

"Me telling you to get lost?" Olivia asked incredulously, "I can't imagine it wouldn't."

"Well maybe it would...a little…"

She laughed. "Ed Tucker, I love you so much."

….

The night before they flew back to New York, Ed and Olivia had dinner at a pub close to the Duquesne Incline. The patio overlooked the city and the rivers; they had seen the view before, in the daylight. This time they arrived as the sun set and Pittsburgh gradually illuminated itself before their eyes.

"Well," Ed said, raising his pint glass, "Cheers to a successful trip."

"Cheers." Olivia grinned and, as she usually did, leaned over for a kiss before drinking. "You did a great job at the panel today."

"Think so?"

"Yeah. You actually slid back into that IAB persona a little too easily."

"Really? You mean the people there couldn't tell our six-year-old and two-year-old twins get and get away with whatever they want when they're with me?"

"Nope. Not at all."

Ed twisted his lips, "Well...I suppose that's good feedback."

"But not what you wanted?" Olivia grinned and sipped her drink all the while keeping her eyes on him. "You wanted me to say you looked sexy up there? Is that it?"

"Kinda."

She reached for his hand. "Captain, you looked irresistible...in fact, there were some women around me who said the same." She gazed at her husband who now seemed perpetually tanned, probably from the amount of time he spent outside at the park. She couldn't help but lament, albeit ever so slightly, that he rarely wore suits...he looked so good in them, but, then again, he also looked good in the polos and khaki shorts he wore on a regular basis. The shirts fit as if they'd been tailored to his physique. The shorts always hung a little low on his hips.

"Right."

"True." Olivia played with his fingers, "And your answers...were so smart...so informed...seriously, you haven't missed a beat. You could go back tomorrow and do the job."

"Do you think I did a good job?"

"Yes, I-"

"-No, not this weekend, I mean, my job...at IAB."

Olivia and Ed had hashed out almost every single instance of IAB-SVU conflict as their relationship progressed, but he had never asked her this particular question.

"I think…" Olivia drew the word into two syllables, "You were very good at your job. Probably too good, or...too dedicated."

He smirked. "Just sayin that?"

"Not at all. People wouldn't have hated you if you weren't good."

"You hated me?"

Olivia shot him a forgiving smile, "I never hated you," she said even though she'd given him this assurance at least a hundred times.

He nodded. "No one ever hated you."

"I'm sure some people did."

"Maybe," he said, "But for the right reasons." Ed's eyes met hers and he blurted out, "Liv, I'm worried this new gig is tougher on you than SVU."

Shocked, Olivia's jaw dropped. "Why?"

"You're there...a lot more than I thought you'd be," Ed replied, a little too ready to deliver his answer, "And...I'm wonderin' if having one sole focus…"

"...lends itself to obsession?" She finished for him.

Ed had been unsure about how she'd respond, so her smile soothed his nerves. He took a quick glance at the lights flickering in the city before training apologetic eyes on her. "You spent so long fighting for people who, a lot of times, had no one else on their side. I think the aftermath...it might be the hardest part...and hard for you because there's really no end, there's no one day a vic says 'I'm healed'."

"You sound like the SVU veteran," Olivia replied. "And you're right. There is no end. And you're right about obsession. I...I'm going to scale back the hours."

"Don't do that 'cause of me."

"No," Olivia said, "I was thinking about it before we left. This is becoming a second career rather than a retirement. I guess...I have trouble turning the switch off, you know?"

"Believe me, I know."

"And the show will start filming again, so I'll be putting in more hours there." She reached for his hands, "Is that okay? You knew I wasn't going to spend my days sitting around at home, right?"

"Oh yeah," he said, "But I...I guess I thought you would disconnect more than you have."

"I'm working on it."

"I know you are. I don't mean to put pressure on ya, Liv."

"You're looking out for me," she said with a soft smile, "And I love when you do that. And I told you to remind me to relax…"

"You did."

They leaned over the table for a kiss.

"How about we get dinner to go? We have one last night in the hotel…"

Ed grinned and waved the server over to the table, "Definitely don't want to waste that."

…

After a morning of shopping for Kindergarten graduation attire, Olivia and Noah parked themselves on the patio of a neighborhood Italian restaurant for lunch. A garment bag containing a new, light gray suit, was draped over the back of one free chair, and two other shopping bags sat at their feet. Noah had chosen a coral-colored tie and convinced Olivia to buy him a pair of shiny black wingtips which she purchased knowing he could also wear them for the wedding which was coming up in a couple of weeks.

"You are going to look sharp, Noah," Olivia said. "Has your teacher told you if you're giving a speech again?"

"I dunno," Noah answered with a mouth full of bread. "Probably Mia's gonna sing."

Olivia nodded. It was a bit early to think about end-of-year activities, but she wanted to take Noah shopping herself and the Tuckers' social calendar was filling up quickly. She, Brooke, and Sarah were meeting regularly about the wedding, Noah was finishing up his soccer season only to start t-ball, and the twins had been invited to daycare friends' birthday parties even though they were down to twice-a-week visits.

Had Ed been there, he would have been proud of Noah's secrecy. He had already started writing the speech for the retirement celebration and managed to remain tight-lipped.

"How is Mia?" Olivia asked, "We haven't seen her in a while."

"She's good," Noah replied, "She's friends with Karen and Grace now."

"Who are Karen and Grace?"

"Girls in da class."

Noah's tone was matter-of-fact and free of emotion, but Olivia's heart broke. She imagined Noah, abandoned by his best friend, sitting by himself at lunch and playing alone at recess. "But you're still friends with her, right?"

"Yep!"

"So, are you friends with Karen and Grace, too?"

Noah's nose crinkled. "No. They don't like ta draw or do da balance beam. I play with Hunter and Nicholas and Remy."

Olivia pictured the boys' faces. She remembered them from afternoon pickups, and Noah had been to Hunter's apartment to play a few times before. The other two played in Noah's soccer league but weren't on his team.

"Maybe we should invite Mia over sometime to play?"

Noah shrugged. "Maybe. But she's always goin' to ride the horses. That's what she say when we have Monday morning meeting. Mr. B. tells us to say what we did on da weekend and Mia always say 'I went to the stables and helped my Mommy with the horsies' and she never says she did anything else!"

"I'll call her Dad and see if maybe they'll be in the city one weekend. You always have so much fun riding scooters in the park together."

"Yeah! And I wanna take Mia up on da big hill! 'Member? When Daddy was in Ireland?"

"I remember. That was a fun day."

"Uh-huh. Mommy?"

"Yes, sweet boy?"

"I wanna go to Ireland."

"We will sweetie. Someday we'll all go as a family."

"Takin' da babies, too?" Noah's eyes were wide.

"Sure. You were about their age when Daddy took us to Paris."

Noah smiled. "I like dose pictures. I don't 'member Paris, though! But I know I was there b'cause of the pictures!"

"You were. And you were such a good boy on the plane and there...so I think Maggie and Wyatt will be able to handle it."

"Yeah...and if they get tired we'll jus' take 'em to da hotel and Daddy can watch 'em sleep and you and me and go swim in da pool!"

Olivia laughed and nodded.

"We gotta get a hotel with a pool, Mommy," Noah added, his tone gravely serious.

"Of course, sweet boy. Where else would you like to go?"

"Texas."

"Texas?"

Noah spread his arms wide, "It's dis big! And they wear cowboy hats and boots there! I wanna see those cowboys!"

"Did you learn about Texas in school?"

"Yep! I saw it on da map and Mr. B. gave me a book that has all da states in it and I like da Texas pages da best!"

"I'm sure we can arrange a trip to Texas."

"And Cal'fornia. Cause you and Daddy went and I LOVE dose pictures!"

"I know you do," Olivia grinned. The photographs of Santa Monica pier were frequent subjects of Noah's iPad-flipping, "Next time we go, we'll take you. They have a Disneyland there, too. We can go to that one and see if it's like the one in Florida."

Noah's jaw dropped. "Another Disney?"

"Yessir."

"Wow…"

The waiter came over for their orders and patiently waited as Noah navigated the children's menu. According to his most recent test scores, he was reading at a second-grade level and he had little problem with the simple entree descriptions. "I like rav'oli," he murmured to himself, "But we have rav'oli a lot...Mommy?"

"Yes?"

"Is al-fre-do da white sauce?"

"Yes."

Noah handed the menu to the waiter, "Alfredo, please."

"What kind of pasta, sir?"

"Da curly ones," Noah replied.

The waiter apparently understood, because he dictated the orders back perfectly. "Eggplant parm and rotini with alfredo sauce. Got it."

"Yummy," Noah half-growled and rubbed his hands together, "I'm hungry!"

"Me too," Olivia simpered at her son, "I'm so glad we got to go shopping and have lunch today, Noah, just the two of us."

Noah nodded vigorously. "Yep! It's a good day for a date! A Mommy-Noah date!"

"Sure is."

"After dis we can go look at da boats?"

"Sure. Let's drop off the bags first, though."

"Kay. And...well, we gotta prolly bring small sister. She love da boats, too!"

"That's so nice, honey...but then it's not a Mommy-Noah date anymore."

Noah shrugged. "Dat's okay. Itsa Mommy-Noah-Maggs date! Small sister hasta see da boats! And maybe Wyatt too...and prolly Daddy...so I guess we all go."

Olivia chuckled softly. She wasn't sure if she was heartened or hurt by Noah's willingness to include his siblings in almost everything he did. The only off-limits activity seemed to be Wednesdays with Sarah; otherwise, he was always cognizant of Maggie's and Wyatt's interests and feelings. At mealtime, he always kept an eye on their portions and gave the twins food from his plate if they were running low on something. At bedtime, Noah made sure to read the twins two stories of their choosing before he selected his own books.

Olivia bit her lip.

Was there such a thing as being too selfless?

Would she ever stop second guessing her parenting? Or worrying about her kids?

"WHOA!"

Noah's exclamation snapped her out of the daydream. The waiter delivered the pasta and the portions were huge.

"Anything else right now?" The waiter asked.

Noah grabbed his fork. "No, thank you," he said. "Mommy? You need something?"

"I'm good," Olivia said.

Before the waiter left the table, he patted Olivia on the shoulder. "I don't think I've ever met a more polite kid," he said.

"Thank you," Olivia replied. Noah was happily chewing his first bite and watching the action on the street. Through the glass table she saw the napkin he'd placed in his lap and his legs swinging back and forth. In that moment, everything in her son's life was perfect.

Maybe she was doing something right.

…..

Ed watched the late evening news as Olivia scoured the internet for shoes matching Noah's but in Wyatt's size. Noah was adamant that he, Ed, and Wyatt have matching footwear for the wedding, especially since Maggie already had shiny silver flats similar to the bridesmaids' heels.

"Findin' anything?" Ed asked. He scratched the back of her head and gave her a kiss.

"Yes. I have three different carts going on."

"Three?"

"These shoes are all so cute…"

Ed chuckled and kissed her again.

"Are you getting excited for the wedding?" Olivia asked.

"It's comin' up soon, right?" He joked.

"Ed…"

"I'm happy for them," he said, "Feels like they've been together a long time, like they're already married. I hope...sounds horrible...but I hope it lasts."

"I think it will," Olivia said.

"Well then," he smirked at her, "I'm no longer concerned."

"I am worried about Brooke and Sonny, though."

"I know you are, Liv, but there's nothin' we can do...all marriages go through a funk-"

"-they do?"

"Except ours, of course."

"I keep wanting to say something to Carisi at work, but...I've done such a good job drawing the line...and it's really not my business, I guess, but...then again…"

"It is your business if you're worried about her. But you can't make Carisi a good husband, Liv."

"Do you think he's a bad one?"

"I think he's...not been present."

Olivia tossed the laptop aside and faced Ed. "You do?"

"Why else is she comin' to me and you to talk? Well, she's not exactly coming to us but she's puttin' herself out there and making us extract everything out of her. That's what she does. And, I dunno, in a relationship, she probably does the same thing but he doesn't notice, or he's not there to notice she's struggling."

Brow furrowed, Olivia mumbled, "He's a cop...how does he not notice…"

"You and I both know things are different when it comes to our personal lives."

"Yeah...maybe...I'll find a way to talk to him…I have to." She rose to her knees and scooted closer for a kiss. "Sorry...this is too heavy a conversation for a Saturday night."

"You never have to apologize for talking," Ed said, "I always want you to talk to me, Liv." He rubbed her injured arm, "How's this today?"

"Doesn't hurt at all."

"Not at all?"

"Maybe I'm getting used to the dull pain just being there…"

Ed shook his head, "Not somethin' you should get used to, baby."

"I think I want it to be a memory, now," Olivia said, "I want to forget it."

"I do too, but...in a way, I guess, Liv, all that fear...afterwards...I think in a way it's a good thing. If we're not terrified of losing each other, what's the point?"

Olivia considered this. She held Ed's hands and slid his wedding ring around and around. "I wonder if Brooke and Sonny are terrified of losing each other," Olivia murmured, "I bet Sarah and Justin are…" She saw the semi-disappointed expression on his face and smiled, "Okay, Captain, enough worrying about everyone else for the night."

"C'mere." He laid her down on the cushions and tossed one of Wyatt's toy airplanes onto the rug below. It hit with a dull thud and skidded onto the hardwood.

"Ed," Olivia gasped at the noise.

"It's fine."

"Okay."

Trusting him, Olivia didn't object when he slid a hand inside her shirt and began massaging her breasts while keeping his mouth fused to hers. Olivia felt him get harder and harder and held him by the hips, keeping him close, gyrating her own lower body against his until it was absolutely necessary they move to the bedroom.

"Not here," she said as Ed started to shove her pants down.

He smirked, knowing she was still nervous about Noah walking in on them. "Okay."

Ed lifted her off the couch and kissed her on the way to their room. He made sure to lock the door behind them and, seconds later, he and Olivia were devoid of clothing and playfully making love on top of the covers. Even though it wasn't necessarily needed, Ed grabbed for a bottle he had in his nightstand.

"What's that?" Olivia asked, panting and pawing at him.

"Lube," he replied. He saw her frown and explained, "Saw it in an article...want to try?"

"Okay…"

"Nothin's wrong, baby…"

"Okay," Olivia said again.

Ed applied a few drops. Seconds later, Olivia was moaning and writhing beneath him. The product created sensations neither Ed nor Olivia had experienced before. Ed experimented with the pace. Careful not to smother her with his weight, he propped himself on his palms. Olivia held his biceps and thrashed her head around. Sweat beaded on Ed's forehead as he heeded Olivia's requests to go faster and harder. She released one arm and frantically reached for a pillow. The addition of something other than their bodies or the spiced bourbon cultivated some doubt at first, but, by the time Ed collapsed and rolled over with Olivia in his arms, the skepticism had been permanently cast aside.

"Oh my God…" Olivia mumbled.

"Goddam…"

"What the hell...was that?"

"Fucking magic."

They laughed together at the double meaning of the phrase.

"Called Uberlube," Ed reported, "And...it wasn't cheap...and I don't care."

"Worth every penny."

"You feel okay? It's not botherin' ya?"

"Not at all."

They traded a few kisses and smiled at each other. Olivia ran her fingertips up and down the side of his torso; it was a suggestive move, telling Ed she wasn't finished with intimacy for the night.

"Want me to get the bourbon this time?" He asked, grinning devilishly.

"I do...but I don't want you to leave."

Ed stretched out, reaching for the nightstand, and produced the small bottle from the nightstand.

Olivia laughed and mumbled, "We have a sex drawer…"

Ed rolled Olivia onto her back, straddled her, and opened the bottle. Before he drizzled the liquor onto her skin, he rasped, "Everyone needs a sex drawer."

…

#Tuckson