Hey remember in chapter six when Leaftail turned into a zombie and then immediately re-died and no one really cared? That was fucking weird.

"I'll take the world on my own terms. I want disease but not the germs. I want the moon to cling to me, so let your silence to sing to me an endless, endless symphony 'till all I lost instinctively returns."

-Let Your Silence Sing, ThouShaltNot

Chapter 29:: Let Your Silence Sing to Me

"I love Nigel," Whisper said quietly.

"Hardly a ground-shattering confession," Sorrelspot scoffed. "There's nothing wrong with loving someone."

Whisper shook her head insistently. "But he's... a murderer. I love a murderer and a part of me doesn't even care! I came in here to kill you because he asked me to, because he said if I do this, then we'll be happy and no one will ever threaten us again." She took a few breaths, trying to articulate herself. "But I don't see how this can ever make me happy."

Sorrelspot was silent, eyes downcast.

"A part of me knows that I'm a murderer too, just like him. I've made mistakes in my life, I've done terrible things, but at least I know that they were mistakes. At least I don't feel good about those things."

She blinked rapidly, fighting tears. "Do I even deserve to love?"

"Everyone deserves to love."

"Even you?"

"Especially me." When Whisper's gaze reflected nothing but confusion back at him, he elaborated. "Since when has love brought me anything but pain?"

"Oh." Whisper looked away. She could understand that. "So is this my punishment, then? To love? To hurt, and inflict that hurt on others?"

Sorrelspot shrugged. "Is that what you choose to do?"

Whisper was surprised at his question. "I don't know," she answered. She'd always chosen the selfish path before. Why would this time be any different? Was it even possible? Could she take the selfless path this time? Leave this den at that moment, leaving Sorrelspot alive?

But then she remembered what Nigel had said to her that morning.

"If I stop now, then all of those deaths will have been for nothing," she recited to herself. "Every single one of those cats will have died for a cause that wasn't even fulfilled."

She looked up to Sorrelspot, to his expression of sorrowful understanding.

"If that's what you truly believe, then do what you came here to do." It wasn't a challenge, just an invitation.

"And what do you truly believe?" Her voice was close to a shout now, ridden with frustration, with pain.

Sorrelspot shrugged, a casual action that was so out of place here. "My belief is that everyone's actions affect everyone else's. We all sin, whether it be because of someone else or our own hearts." His voice grew quiet then; broken. "And all of our sins must be repaid in pain."

"And you think that your death will absolve you of your sins?" Whisper thought of Nigel's words, how Sorrelspot had allegedly killed another cat, how he had enjoyed it. How, according to Nigel, he was a cat who only considered death the most extreme of solutions.

Again Sorrelspot shrugged, a casual action that was by no means casual in the way he executed it. "Death is only the beginning." His eyes, solemn and pale in the darkness, were steady as they met Whisper's. "Only agony is an adequate punishment for what I have done. For all that I have allowed others to do."

Whisper had never seen anyone speak about their own impending pain so calmly.

He doesn't have anything else to live for, she realised with a start.

She took a deep breath. She knew he was right. If she truly believed in Nigel's ideology, if she really loved him the way she claimed to, she'd kill Sorrelspot here. She'd kill this suffering cat, and he'd probably thank her for it. This entire conversation was probably had in an effort to goad her further into killing him.

Maybe that was the reason she just couldn't bring herself to do it.

Even during the worst of her times, even when she was ordered to kill without hesitation, she'd still believed in moral. She had a code of her own to follow. This action, killing a helpless cat (because he was helpless within his misery, lying himself down to die) for her own gain certainly went against that code. At least, these days it did.

She took a deep breath, tried to steel her nerves.

"If it would make you feel better if I fought back, I'll do that."

"No," she rasped out. Her claws gripped the ground, her body fighting between her duty that was to kill him and her heart which called for her to walk away. "I can't..."

She exhaled heavily, relaxing her muscles and sheathing her claws. "I choose... not to kill you, Sorrelspot. Not to kill another cat in the name of my own selfishness."

Sorrelspot cocked his head, seeming intrigiued in his interaction with her for the first time. "What will you do then?"

Whisper knew exactly what she was going to do, but she wasn't ready to admit it just yet.

"I don't know."

Sorrelspot continued to smile that sad smile. "If you say so."

They both already knew, really, that she had made up her mind.

(POV: Digger)

"Digger."

The medicine cat turned around, surprised. "...Trickface?"

The ShadowClan warrior looked unusually vacant, shoulders slouched and eyes dilated. Digger was unsure of how to respond with the venomous way his name was uttered. He could only stutter Trickface's name and wait for an explanation.

He glanced back at Whitepaw, who shrugged.

"My father wishes to speak to you, Digger." Trickface's usually snarky, inflective voice was monotone and dark. "Please follow me."

He whirled around and stalked away. Digger looked meaningfully at Fallpaw, who nodded dutifully. Satisfied that Whitepaw would be protected, Digger followed Trickface out of the den.

He was surprised when instead of leading him to Jaunestar's den, Trickface strode directly to the entrance of the camp. Digger hesitated for only a second, looking back at Jaunestar's den, before following Trickface.

As soon as he was outside, he found himself pinned to the ground, claws digging into his back and his jaw forced against the ground.

"Who the hell is Red Ash?" The demand was shouted above him before he could make any demands of his own, and he growled.

"How the hell do you know about Red Ash," he shot back. He didn't know a lot about Red Ash, not anything really besides that one encounter he'd had with him, but what he did know, he wasn't eager to tell Trickface of all cats.

"It's none of your business how I know!" Trickface lifted him by his neck only to slam him down again, and the air left his lungs in a painful huff. "Tell me! Tell me what he did to me!"

(POV: Nigel)

It was sunlight when she came back. But of course, it didn't take until morning for Nigel to figure out that Sorrelspot wasn't dead.

That... that bitch! So she really was just a liar. He should have known better; he should have killed her!

He paced the confines of his own den, Sergei watching him with impassive pale eyes.

Suddenly he stopped.

"Sergei, what do you think I should do?" He looked to his best friend hopefully, but the black-furred tom only cocked his head to the side.

Oh, right. The guy was a fucking mute.

Nigel sighed, and continued pacing.

"Should I kill her or just exile her? Maybe just hurt her a little...?" He thought about it, but the image immediately produced a wave of nausea from him. No, torture was never his thing. That was Dominique's area. He shook his head violently. "No." He turned to Sergei again, about to ask him for a second time what he should do about her, and then remembered again.

He stamped his paw on the ground in frustration. Fuck! Why does my only friend have to be a goddamnm mute?

He growled and faced him. "Do you think I should kill her for being a traitor, Sergei? I mean, it'd be favoritism if I didn't. But I... She is a favorite is the thing."

Sergei's expression remained as emotionless as ever, as he gave his leader a minute nod.

(POV: Trickface/Digger)

Fucking asshole! Why won't the little piece of scum just tell him?

"Who is he? Who's Red Ash? Tell me! I know that you know him!"

"Fuck-" Digger was forced into the ground again and he cussed in exasperation. "I don't fucking know him! I've only spoken to him once. No one will ever tell me anything about him."

Trickface's claws tightened. "Liar," he hissed.

"Trickface!"

Both cats looked up.

"F-father." Trickface stammered and removed his weight from Digger. Digger sat up immediately, ignoring the pain from the pricks of the claws and glaring at Trickface. Trickface sensed this immediately, wasting no time in glaring back.

But it was nothing like the challenging, childish expression that Trickface usually wore. His lips were curled back into a feral snarl, golden eyes darkened and manic.

Fuck. Digger quickly looked away. He felt he would become just as insane as Trickface appeared to be if he looked at him any longer.

"Digger, I apologise for my son," Jaunestar said venomously. Digger wasn't fooled by his words; he knew that sympathy was artificial, extended to him only under ther ceremony of wartime niceties. "His actions will not go unpunished. But know-" And suddenly his eyes darkened too, became slits of shadow in a challenge. "-that they were not unjustified."

And he whirled around, stalking into the forest. Trickface gave one last, hateful look to Digger, and then followed.

That was his place, after all. Forever trailing behind his father, lost in his shadow and following his pawsteps one by one into darkness.

The difference between Dominique and Nigel is that Nigel, in a twisted, primal, dark way, is still able to feel love, and that the lighter side of him still comes through. It's not in his actions, so much as in his inner character. Of course, since he is ultimately the same kind of character that Dominique is, someone who drowns in his own darkness far too easily than he should, that light doesn't seem to be coming through a sufficient amount. Perhaps the only one that could make that happen is Whisper, but he's not her reason for living anymore. She's given up, and made her mind.

In terms of inner character, Sorrelspot and Red Ash are the same, both eaten away by guilt but each dealing with it in different ways. Sorrelspot takes it all out on himself, but Red Ash is afraid of his own self-loathing and denies the guilt completely. He takes it out on anyone else he can think of and replaces it with determination to make things right again. How naïve, I think, for someone to truly believe it could ever be right again.